Guest Post: A New Voice
Photo: Swimsuits on the Line by Ed Yourdon.
Today’s guest post is an essay by Jill Long, an artist and married mom of two who lives near Madison, Wisconsin. You can see some of her work at beaulahblue.etsy.com.
A New Voice
I wore a swimsuit today. A swimsuit. My swimsuit. One layer of clothes was removed and I stood practically bare in front of seven strangers, 5 a.m. and ready for laps. I’d removed more than clothes. I stood naked, layers and layers and layers of what removed? Shame? Something has changed in me.
I know when I started getting fat. We moved. Far away. My husband had a wonderful job that he loved, but it kept him at work until seven or eight or later every night. I had a wonderful job that I loved, but it kept me at home all day with two small kids and a pantry full of food. And I thought I had to be perfect, my kids had to be perfect, my house had to be perfect. And then I had to have another job, too, because people always asked, “What do you do?” and then they got that look on their face that said, “Oh.” Back then, when I was always alone and so young, I thought it mattered, what they thought. So I got up at six and took care of my kids all day and then stayed up until two or three trying to build an art business, slept for a few hours and then ate to keep myself awake during the day. As I started to gain weight and lose sleep, a voice in my head started to tell me some awful things.
And then, we moved and we moved and we moved. I always had plans to lose weight or exercise or make some change, but the change was always pack, or paint, or set up our lives, or dismantle our lives. It didn’t matter, because that voice, that voice that had started to tell me those awful things, had already convinced me that I had no value. It convinced me that I would never be successful at anything. It convinced me that I am not worth getting to know. It convinced me that I am dumb and ugly and uninteresting and illiterate and a million other things. It even convinced me that chocolate made me feel better than anything.
I haven’t worn shorts in seven years. I never wear short sleeves. It’s not so much because I think I look hideous; I do think I look hideous. But before today, I would never have considered subjecting others to my hideous body. I know that’s not such a crazy idea because I’ve heard what people say: why don’t they just f%cking lose weight, “fat ass” this and “fat ass” that, and a million other awful things said about fat people. Heck, I’ve probably laughed at some of them. I just happen to know why they haven’t f%cking lost weight: it isn’t always f%cking easy.
But something has changed in me: I think that voice might be a liar.
I put on a bathing suit last year for the first time in about 15 years (for the same reasons). It was awful and wonderful at the same time. I put on a sheer cover up and walked down the road, across a busy street, far down a public beach, then stripped off the cover-up and jumped in the lake. I did it again the next day. After that, the world seemed a whole lot bigger. No pun intended.
Did the water feel magical? I can only imagine that it felt incredible! As a former swimmer – I say former because it was before I got fat – I have thought about doing the exact same thing many times. I am very excited and proud of you for taking the plunge! I hope the time in the water was fantastic, and that you’ll be back day after day!
I wear a swimsuit every summer, ’cause my kids love to go swimming. Sure, I’m aware I’m bigger than everyone else, but I love to swim, too. And fuck ‘em – I worked too hard to be comfortable in my own skin to care what someone else thinks. Good for you, that you are trying something new and working on loving yourself.
I wore my swimsuit in July the last time I wore one was When I was in high school…..i looked pretty damn good too…..it felt like i had on spanx it sucked me in pretty good….i just hate my thighs…..looks like a bumpy concrete road but hey I embrace it!
Spanx needs to be in the bathing suit business. You might be onto something, there! I say there’s nothing that a sheer sarong can’t take care of when you’re AT the pool, but not IN the pool.
Jill, I’m so glad that you’re calling that hateful voice a liar! Shame on It. If It ever comes back and tries to bully you or say awful things, just give me a call and I’m there to make It understand how wonderful you are!
I live in a beach town in Florida, and have a pool, so swimsuits are my uniform from May through October. I throw shorts and a tank top over them until I get to the beach. Of all my self-conscious body issues, a swimsuit was never one of them. Probably because you see all shapes and sizes at the beach here.
Oh Jill, I am so sorry that you feel that way about your body!
But it is such a common thing to be afraid of bathing suits in particular that I made an illustration just on this topic.
It’s posted on my blog http://tiny.cc/fl6SI
and YES! that voice IS a liar! (and HOORAY! for moms who can keep their art alive!(
Ugh I feel this pain. Ever since I suddenly put on lots of weight, 10 years ago, I no longer wear shorts. Don’t own a pair! I’ll see a ton of cute sexy, summer tops in the stores but I won’t buy them if they’re sleeveless. I feel that exact same way – I don’t want to subject others to my fat.
My husband is wonderful, but my mother? Not so much. She is always telling me when things don’t look right, or that I need to wear a girdle. A girdle! *sigh*
Last month I had to go buy a new swimsuit because I started physical therapy in the pool. The first place was a big fitness center. This second place is just in a regular PT place, but the walls to the teeny pool room are all glass. I hate being seen as I get in and out of the pool. My first two sessions were in a suit that was shamefully too small for me. After that, the new suit was better fitting and bonus! Exposed a good amount of (still tasteful) cleavage! At least one little part of me feels sexy when I’m in the water. In the water, in that suit, I have FABULOUS boobs! LOL
[...] Note: this photo was published in the Oct 21, 2008 issue of "Green Behavior" blog, in an article entitled "Line Drying Clothes – A Green Initiative." It was also published in an Apr 22, 2009 blog titled " Swimsuits and School Reform." And more recently, it was published in an Aug 27, 2009 blog titled " What Kind of Swimsuit Should You Use?" And it was published in Sep 23, 2009 blog titled Guest Post: A New Voice." [...]
[...] Note: thіѕ photo wаѕ published іn thе Oct 21, 2008 issue οf "Green Behavior" blog, іn аn article entitled "Line Drying Clothes – A Green Initiative." It wаѕ аlѕο published іn аn Apr 22, 2009 blog titled " Swimsuits аnd School Reform." And more recently, іt wаѕ published іn аn Aug 27, 2009 blog titled " Whаt Kind οf Swimsuit Shουld Yου Uѕе?" And іt wаѕ published іn Sep 23, 2009 blog titled Guest Post: A Nеw Voice." [...]
[...] Note: this photo was published in the Oct 21, 2008 issue of "Green Behavior" blog, in an article entitled "Line Drying Clothes – A Green Initiative." It was also published in an Apr 22, 2009 blog titled " Swimsuits and School Reform." And more recently, it was published in an Aug 27, 2009 blog titled " What Kind of Swimsuit Should You Use?" And it was published in Sep 23, 2009 blog titled Guest Post: A New Voice." [...]
[...] Note: this photo was published in the Oct 21, 2008 issue of "Green Behavior" blog, in an article entitled "Line Drying Clothes – A Green Initiative." It was also published in an Apr 22, 2009 blog titled " Swimsuits and School Reform." And more recently, it was published in an Aug 27, 2009 blog titled " What Kind of Swimsuit Should You Use?" And it was published in Sep 23, 2009 blog titled Guest Post: A New Voice." [...]
[...] Note: this photo was published in the Oct 21, 2008 issue of "Green Behavior" blog, in an article entitled "Line Drying Clothes – A Green Initiative." It was also published in an Apr 22, 2009 blog titled " Swimsuits and School Reform." And more recently, it was published in an Aug 27, 2009 blog titled " What Kind of Swimsuit Should You Use?" And it was published in Sep 23, 2009 blog titled Guest Post: A New Voice." [...]
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