The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

The gorgeous Dyanna on Flickr

Last week we poked around in the married sex lives of FGG’s editors to offer advice on keeping the fire lit down below after you’ve been married for awhile, post-childbearing belly and all. And while lots of advice on married and single sex can certainly be interchangeable, both have unique challenges – we knew a separate feature on sex and the single fat girl was in order.

Unlike married women (who ostensibly already have them), single women have the added challenge of finding men who are attracted to curvier, more ample bodies – or who are at least curious and open to trying something new. You’d be surprised how many of those guys are out there. Unfortunately, they don’t come with signage. Or instructions.

That’s okay, we’ve got you covered. So to speak.

Give your brain a makeover

Whether you’re single by choice or looking high and low for The One, whether you’re free and casual about sex or more reserved, it all starts with you. Sexiness is born in the brain and propagates throughout the body until you’re practically vibrating with it. It doesn’t come from anywhere else – not your perfume, your clothes, your friends or the guy you’re talking to. The sexiest clothes can look awkward on a woman who is ashamed of herself or trying too hard, and a woman who loves her body and respects herself can turn heads in an old t-shirt and jeans.

Even if you have to fake it until you truly believe it (even thin women often do), self-confidence is a turn-on no matter what size you are. If you’re in the habit of negative self-talk, you’re not only unlikely to score a guy worth having, you’re probably not going to enjoy it very much even if you do.

Don’t focus on the fat

Whatever you’re focused on, a guy just getting to know you in the bar or in the bedroom will be focused on the same thing. If you’re constantly adjusting your clothes or lingerie to hide this bulge or that dimple, he’ll be distracted and you’ll seem distant and uncomfortable. Go with choices that accentuate your assets, but that you’re familiar with so you know what they cover when you’re sitting/standing/walking, so you can forget about babysitting your wardrobe and focus on more important things. If you’re worried about him seeing your belly in bed (or just want to tease a little with a peek of your rear-end – guys love this) a t-shirt or baby doll with nothing underneath is a great option, and a sexy balance between modest and daring.

Whatever you do, don’t bring the fat into the conversation. Even guys who like larger women are turned off by those who keep apologizing for their weight or disparaging themselves.

If that doesn’t convince you, remember this: it’s hard to relax when you’re obsessing. It’s hard to orgasm when you’re not relaxed. Enough said.

Let the real you out to play

When you’re uncomfortable with yourself, temptation is high to pretend you’re anyone else but you. Maybe it’s as subtle as a different laugh or tone, or as obvious as listening in horror as things come out of your mouth that you would never say. Even nervous or exaggerated body language can betray who we really are.

Slipping into a modified identity might feel less vulnerable in the short term, but that’s a tough act to keep up. Sex is so much more satisfying when you can let go and know it’s 100% you that’s turning him on. Besides, how will he ever know you share his geeky fascination with backyard weather stations or his love of albino bulldogs if you’re busy channeling Anna Nicole?

Prime your body

Did you know that Kegel exercises not only strengthen and tone your vaginal muscles, but also help to condition your abdominal muscles as well? Talk about a two-fer!

If you’ve been diligent about Kegels, you already know the sexual benefits they bestow. You feel more sensitive, he feels more snug and stimulated, and chances are the intensity of your orgasms will be kicked up a few notches. Any guy will tell you that they can’t get enough of a woman that’s clearly getting a lot out of their sexual experience together.

Also: stretch. Especially if you’ve got a particularly large belly or thighs, you may have to make some modifications to favorite positions. Being limber can mean the difference between fun, playful, satisfying sex and feeling awkward or defeated.

Make use of props

In darkness or very dim light, curb shy feelings by surrounding yourself and your lover with lots of luxurious pillows. It helps a soft, curvy (or let’s face it, often lumpy) body blend in instead of feeling like it sticks out like a sore thumb. Though remember: he still probably doesn’t think so.

If you’re braving the bright light but feel a little too exposed, tangle yourself up in a decadent sheet, leaving the good bits exposed for playing.

Get creative with positions

The positions that will be most satisfying for you and your partner will vary depending on each of your body shapes and preferences, but with a few modifications, large women can make any position hot. Below are the ones we hear the collective, fat-girl rrowr from most often.

Doggie-style: Women say this helps them feel less vulnerable, men say it lets them get in deep. Win/win.

You on top: Make this easier by having him sit in an armless chair, or, better yet, laying on a weight bench. Afraid of your belly bouncing around? Wear a tight t-shirt, or straddle him in a short skirt with nothing underneath. That’s both a tease and a girdle. Another win/win.

If you go missionary: Put a pillow under your butt. It helps him have easy access, and it funnels belly fat away from your pelvic area where all the action is happening, making you feel less self-conscious.

Stand up and bend over something: The bed, the back of the couch, the counter. You can press your belly against the surface and make it disappear, and the rest of you is less prone to the spreading effects of gravity that can happen in bed.

Need more? Check out what some FGG Twitter followers had to say on the subject:

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Don’t be afraid to try something new. Sex is frequently funny and bodies are weird, so it’s not a big deal if the position doesn’t work. It’s about feeling good, which doesn’t always mean that you look your very best. So what? I don’t like the way I look when I’m on top, but it feels AMAZING and guys are fond of the fact that your boobs are in their face, their hands are free, and they get to watch your face. You won’t break him. I swear. Even if he’s shorter than you or half your weight (I’ve done both).

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

As counter-productive as it might sound, I have a huge appreciation for the female form and I found that when I point out women I think are sexy while we’re out or even in pictures on chat or email, it’s a huge turn-on for him (and if he’s a new date, he’s caught completely off guard). And that turn-on instantly translates into his pursuit of me, and lots of exciting sex.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

If you have any inclination toward the alternative lifestyles and are shy about checking it out because you don’t look like a porn star, you’re doing yourself a disservice. These are some of the most accepting, positive groups of people you can find. Their ideas and choices fall outside of the mainstream, and their definitions of what makes a person desirable encompass more than how you look in a bikini. Seeing women of all ages and sizes in various stages of undress being happy in their bodies while in public was a very liberating thing.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

If I’m afraid I’ll be too nervous or shy to orgasm during sex, I like to get myself off while he lays next to me. By the time I’m done, he can barely stand to wait a second more and we have some intense, wild episodes (albeit short sometimes), and I don’t have to worry about whether I’ll get there if I’m too focused on my body and what he thinks.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

The biggest enemy is your anxiety. Potential lovers are far less judgmental than we think. I have yet to meet one who wasn’t into confident, clever, sensual women who are enthusiastic and responsive when it’s naked time.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

What did we miss? Share your thoughts about shameless sex for the single fat girl in comments!

A guest post by Kira Nerusskaya

Hello, fellow fat girls!

My name is Kira Nerusskaya, and I am a fat girl with a dream. A dream so simple, that it seems completely reckless and ridiculous: I would like people of all sizes to be treated with the same respect as everyone else. We seem to feel our “non-fat” counterparts achieve respect simply by breathing, even though we’re sharing the same air!

The most honest, humblest words are usually—the truth. Like Dr. Martin King, I think people should be judged by the content of their character not by the color of their skin. But, I have often said that I would like to further extend his definition to add “nor their size.”

People may call my simple dream reckless because everyone seems to think that you not only cannot be fat, but you shouldn’t be. And if you are, well, tough—deal with it—as if fatness equals and demands deservedly poor treatment.

Yet up until now, that’s exactly what we have been doing. But we are a little tired—tired of cruel fat jokes, glares, stares, and uncalled-for shouts on the streets, denial of possible romantic partners and proper health care, unequal professional treatment and/or discrimination in the workplace. Programmed weight stigma is alive and well in our society, we face it daily, and it’s come to be regarded as the norm. Yet somehow I am always surprised. I remember reading about curvy girls in the UK. One person commented that she didn’t understand how these plus-sized women could be pretty since they “must sit around on the couch eating Bon-Bons all day.” I remember thinking, “Are you for real?” I hardly think I am the exception: I have been fat all of my life, and have never eaten a Bon-Bon, and haven’t owned a couch in 10 years.

Fat stigma and negative stereotypes continue-even when our culture says they’re trying to embrace it.

Clearly, we still need a voice, and better yet, a voice attached to women on film, happy women who are happy in their bodies, out living and loving life, and themselves. What an important thing for the world – not just Americans – to witness.

I was introduced to the BBW (Big, Beautiful Women) community years ago by a male stranger on a railroad platform at New York City’s Grand Central terminal. He approached me, asking if we had met at Goddesses –  New York’s premier dance party for BBW singles and the men who admire them. I checked it out, and immediately knew that I was among friends. I had finally found my people.

I’ve always thought that we as a group should be documented, but from the inside, and thought that film would be the most powerful venue way capture the fat acceptance movement. I had been kicking around the idea for years, and now I just wanted to get on the street with a camera. As I sat alone on the bus thinking people must think, as Kim Brittingham has said, that “fat must be contagious,” I knew it was time to roll up my sleeves and get started.

So, despite a very demanding full-time job, I went down the block, had a t-shirt made, took a ten-minute “this is how you use the camera” lesson, took a picture with my deli guy, then pointed my radar and my camera toward the 2006 BBW Vegas Bash in 2006—and I haven’t looked back.

I didn’t stop with the U.S. Fat shame knows no boundaries—not gender, age, color, creed, economic status, profession, level of education, or nationality. So I turned to what I knew best, Russian literature, and thought about a book that was dear to me: Voices from the Chorus by Andrei Sinyavski. A collection of thoughts, overheard conversations and letters Sinyavski had written and received while imprisoned in the Russian Gulag, this book was the inspiration for my framework on how I would present the conversations in my film. I wanted to collect voices from the fat chorus, the voices of and about women living and working and playing every day.  Here’s what I found:

In England we had some good laughs, despite that there are many differences of opinion, and there’s definitely a need to bring better plus-size sources and clothing to the country.

France was familiar, I lived there in the early 1990s, and why I never had a problem with language, culture or how I was received by the French, I was heartbroken to watch the way they would be cruel to a fat person buying vegetables in the market. Because we don’t eat vegetables, right? Just Bon-Bons. And on the couch.

In Russia, it was like being home. Actually, it’s my second home. I loved meeting women from both Moscow and St. Petersburg. Talking about culture, we laughed together when I told them that I related more to the Russian Matriyoshka doll (the Russian nesting doll) than Barbie, even if she became a feisty brunette. And impromptu discovery on the way to the bus was one of my favorites: I met two other fat women. We smiled at each other as we sized each other up. They liked my clothes, I liked their honesty. We became friends, and, it turns out, they were plus-size clothing retailers with a booming business!

As I visited these countries, it was clear that their size acceptance movements were in a different place than ours, but still growing, and very grass roots—like any socio-political movement. They’re on their way, and seem happy to move in a positive direction, toward loving their bodies and themselves—and helping others to do the same. In all cases, the it was the warm sense of support we all received from each other, as we do here, that stuck with me most. Twelve thousand dollars and many hundreds of hours later, and I am left awed, grateful and honored for the many people who have shared their thoughts, hearts, and lives with me during the production of my documentary, Fat Girls Float.

Worldwide, plus-sized men and women are fighting for a very basic need: to be accepted. Our story needs to be told, and I thought who better to tell it than one of our own? Someone who knows what it means and how it feels, physically and psychologically, to walk down the street carrying 300 pounds. and so I have produced this documentary virtually by myself, from holding the camera, losing audio, making connections and tracking down people to talk with, promoting, asking, setting up travel, blogging, logging, cataloging and everything else under the sun necessary to tell this important story. It was worth it.

But I’m not finished, yet. I want Fat Girls Float to have an international audience, and I could use your help. Please check out and then pass along the film trailer to everyone you know, and if you’d like to help push this project over the top, consider a donation through Kickstarter.com, an organization dedicated to helping spread important messages through art.

‘In a culture where fat can weigh you down, the only thing that keeps you from sinking is the size of your heart.”

—KIRA

2009 Love Your Body poster contest winner

Artistically-inclined FGG readers, take note: the NOW Foundation is sponsoring a poster design contest for its 2010 Love Your Body Day event. Here’s your opportunity to lend your talent to the international campaign for real beauty! Check out the poster design guidelines here.

We’d love to see your work. If you participate in the contest, come on back here and post your work in comments so we can all be inspired and cheer you on. Good luck!

Interested in other things you can do for Love Your Body Day? Take a look.

White Stag Woman “Stretch”, size 22 average

I’m a size 20 with a lot of junk in the trunk, so to speak, and a post-baby belly, but my waist in back curves in a little bit. Pants that fit my hips, belly and butt well end up gaping in the back at the waistline. Do you know if any nice, zip-up pants made to fit this kind of body shape?”

I can hear the collective whoosh of the plus-size community nodding in unison. I’m sure our readers will have their favorites to suggest, but I can tell you that White Stag Woman definitely gets that we aren’t shaped like cardboard boxes – uniform from the bottom up. Several White Stag styles are nice because they can double as a work or casual pant, and their shape minimizes the post-baby belly outline.

Unfortunately I don’t see them around often, but at last check Walmart still carried these, and there’s an array of styles and sizes to be found on eBay as well.

What about our readers? What’s your favorite fitted pant?

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Have a question for FGG editors? Let us know!

Playing in the leaves, from happywalks

This is one of my favorite parts of fall – the blankets of leaves swirling at my feet and hugging the ground. I especially love when they start getting tinges of frost in the mornings. It’s not that far off here in the northern Nevada foothills.

We’ve got one more Sunday to go in our October fall photo challenge. Who’ll be next? At the end of the month, Toni and I will choose an October winner to receive a gorgeous, handmade book thong of their choice from Lonna’s Etsy shop.

Psst…need some self-portrait inspiration?

It’s no secret that adding whole grains to our diets is important. But did you know that you can also work them into your baked goods? Oh yes… and no one will even notice. The secret to putting a healthy spin on even your most guilty pleasures is simple: white whole wheat flour (my personal favorite is King Arthur White Whole Wheat).

White whole wheat is an albino variety of wheat that is not only lighter in color but has a lighter texture and a milder flavor. Although it’s different in both taste and texture than standard red wheat (what we would recognize as standard whole wheat), it still carries the fiber and nutrients of a whole grain.

I typically substitute up to 50% of the flour used in a recipe with white whole wheat flour and, I promise, no one has ever discovered my secret. This is also a great way to get your pecan pie fix (it’s another favorite fall food, after all) in smaller, more manageable portions over the holidays. Not overly sweet, wonderfully crunchy, perfect for sharing, and packing whole grains… who can argue with that?

Pecan Pie Bars
(adapted from Magnolia Mom)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup white whole wheat flour
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups chopped, plus 1/2 cup whole pecans
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk (NOT evaporated milk — lowfat works fine)
3 eggs, beaten
2 tablespoons lemon juice (from concentrate is fine)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a medium bowl, combine flours and brown sugar; cut in butter until crumbly.

Press mixture into the bottom of an ungreased 13×9-inch baking pan. Bake for 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine chopped pecans, condensed milk, eggs and lemon juice. Pour over baked crust and place whole pecans on top in a decorative pattern. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until filling is set.

Remove pan from the oven and allow to cool completely. Cut into bars and store covered at room temperature.

Yield: 36 squares

Looking for more great recipes? Visit my blog at
http://culinography.wordpress.com

Above: FGG editor Tee and her husband still enjoy a playful sex life after eight years together, and two kids from a previous marriage

This year my husband and I celebrated twelve years of marriage. Together, we’ve weathered financial and medical disasters, taken epic road trips to wild places  and celebrated milestone birthdays, including the arrival of our three sons. I’ve also had to cope with the changes to my body over those 12 years, like the natural changes that come with turning 40 (almost two years ago), developing a new set of stretch marks with each pregnancy, and probably the tackiest baby gift a girl can receive: the belly apron. To make matters worse, my husband, who had also gained weight over the years, recently lost most of it after several weeks of regular exercise and a few tweaks in his diet. I, however, have not. I’d be lying if I said that the collective effects of all of these things hasn’t tainted how I feel about romping around the bedroom.

Yet all relationships need nurturing in order to thrive, and when you’re in a committed relationship for the long haul, that includes nurturing your sex life. But for those of us with body image barriers, showing up for that kind of nurturing means first nurturing our bruised psyches. Because it’s not our bodies that are truly the problem – it’s how much we let them get in the way.

We’ll cover sex for the single fat girl in an upcoming post, but this week Tee and I have pulled together a list of what’s worked for us over the years in turning that around, both from our own experience and through our many conversations with my friends facing the same challenges in their own marriages and long-term relationships.

Toni: TALK

Sounds like a big, fat “duh,” right? But talking about sex doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Our upbringing and our varied (be they sordid, dull, embarrassing…) pre-committed-relationship love lives can make complicated conversation starters. My husband is my best friend and he makes me laugh every single day, and yet I still feel embarrassed sometimes bringing up the subject with him because . . . he’s my best friend. Who makes me laugh every single day. What if he cracks a joke when I’m trying to be serious about being sexy? What if something I say reminds him that I’m just fat and undesirable?

Forget about it. Connecting with your husband or lover (who, it’s important to remember, has chosen you out of near limitless possibilities) in conversation about and even during sex is a good way to turn the focus back to all the things that were magnetic to both of you about each other. Besides, we all know where the sensual center of the body really lies: the brain.

Tee: TRUST HIS INSTINCT

When Tee and her husband first met and started dating, she was constantly preoccupied with how she thought he — a fit, active, quintessential outdoor guy — would respond physically to her body, which was larger and lumpier than his “type” had been in the past. That hesitation and embarrassment nearly cost them their relationship, but she slowly realized that he was a grown man capable of making that decision for himself…and if he was attracted enough to take the plunge she had to get over herself. Once she let go, she says their sex life took off, and it’s been hot-and-steady ever since.

Toni: DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL YUMMY

Humans are social creatures, with an innate need to belong and feel like a part of our own tribes. Despite what Hollywood, gossip blogs and many women’s magazines want us to believe, our physical appearance shouldn’t be our most important attribute. But let’s be realistic: it does matter to us, and it’s okay to want to feel desired and desirable, no matter our age or size, and no matter how long we’ve been with our partners.

So go ahead and splurge on sexy, feminine, silky lingerie, flattering (even daring) clothes and yummy, scented lotions and bath oils. Find a few things that make you feel absolutely fantastic, and integrate them into your sex life. And if you haven’t tried this in a while, consider the benefits of sex by candlelight; we all look glamorous in it, and I’m able to forget about those stretch marks for a while, which boosts my own libido, which he then picks up on…starting a frisky feedback loop.

Tee: BE TACTILE

Touching is underrated, and Tee picks this out as the number one turn-on she and her husband share. It’s hard to feel undesirable and unsexy when your husband or lover can’t stop touching you. Invite it, let him know you love being touched even in non-sexual ways. A run-of-the-hands down your body when you’re at the sink doing dishes. A thigh squeeze in the car on the way to an event. Be sure to do it in return, because guys love to feel desired, too. Even just making a point to brush against each other when you’re passing in the hall can yield a little electricity.

If you’re like many of us with body image issues, though, there may be parts of you you’d prefer his hands don’t wander – like your belly, or the part of your back where chubby rolls of fat that gather under your bra strap. That’s okay. Rather than be fearful or ashamed, catch his hand and guide it to the places you do want to be touched. He’ll get the idea.

Toni: GIVE AND TAKE. YES, TAKE.

Never has the phrase “law of attraction” been more poignant when applied to our sex lives. All cheekiness (ahem!) aside, there is something very freeing about being generous and giving to our partners without expecting anything in return. I’m not talking about being subservient, but being generous. And then let yourself be open to that generosity in return.

A good friend recently confessed that the bedroom is the one place where she allows herself to be totally selfish, since the rest of her life involves nurturing and giving, giving, giving. It’s okay to receive and it’s okay to be selfish so long as it’s balanced for you and your partner. My husband knows I’m a sucker for a massage, and often just letting him caress my shoulders, back, arms and legs relaxes me enough to forget about all of the stress and preoccupations that keep me from giving myself up to the mood. And don’t be shy: make sure he knows what drives you crazy. Because honestly, with a lover trained at giving us mind-blowing orgasms, who would be thinking about whether we’ll ever fit into a size six again?

Tee: GET A LITTLE FREAKY

Different trumps just about everything. Particularly for guys, the unique and unexpected are instant turn-ons that make the bearer of those irresistible. To distract yourself from your imperfections and inject some fresh, sexy playfulness into your sex life, Tee suggests reading erotic stories together, or better yet – writing each other into one and sharing it at an unexpected moment (though she adds to clear your schedule first and be prepared, as it’s not likely to end there). Sexy movies and photos work for many couples, but if these exacerbate your negative self-perceptions, ditch those in favor of your own costumes, photo sessions (even if it’s you taking sexy photos of him), role playing and other games. Making sex light and playful eases the gravity we assign to it, and, by extension, our place in it when we don’t feel great about ourselves.

Toni: KNOW THYSELF

It took me a few years to figure this out, but I’ve found that my desire tends to peak in the afternoon, when my husband is usually at work and it’s lowest by the time we both collapse after wrangling the kids to bed. And I tend to really want it when I’m ovulating and less so when my menstrual cycle begins. And if the kids are awake? Forget it! I just can’t get in the mood if I think my five-year-old might burst into our room at any moment. My husband, on the other hand, has none of these exceptions (go figure).

Take the time to know your cycles, your moods and preferences, and then share this with your husband or lover. He might be turned on to know that you’re at home feeling sexy when he’s at work, or that a middle-of-the-night tryst when the kids are sleeping could be a great time to get some. Bonus: it’s extra dark at 2am! And you’ll likely make up for the wake up with the deep sleep of a post-coital crash.

No matter what you try, remember this: the more sexy we feel on the inside, the more desirable and magnetic we are naturally. And the more our lovers and husbands express that desire, the more sexy we’ll feel. Pretty soon, the habit is formed and our sex lives are changed.

So… why are you still here? GO!