The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

FGG welcomes a new, regular contributor – our very own sex columnist, Peony Benoir. She’ll be here each month to feed us a fun, entertaining, thoughtful and ultimately inspiring column on her experiences with sex and dating as a single, fat girl. Enjoy!

When the topic of fat girls comes up, it’s often about fetishists or rude things that men say or psycho-social body politics. I’d like to talk straight from the trenches with honest conversation about the joys and perils of being a sexy, single fat chick. I was mostly single for a long time, then suddenly I found myself madly in love. I ended the relationship about a year later and found myself single again. And dating is different this time — really different.

Before The Ex, I was an alpha bitch, and I worked hard at it. I was determined to not get hurt, and refusing to be vulnerable is a good way to do that. It’s an even better way to never get what you want out of love. The Ex managed to breach my defenses – broke me wide open – and it remains one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. Putting that protective shell back on hasn’t been easy or particularly desirable.

Since I’m lauding The Ex instead of hating him, you might be wondering what he taught me. He’s the first man who, from the beginning, loved me because of my body rather than in spite of it. Big difference. He helped me connect my hidden, mental temptress to my body and taught me to use it skillfully and boldly. I have learned to become a seductress, and it’s a lot of fun.

Once, I could have made you a two-page list of the qualities I have and things I would do for people to try and make up for the fact that I’m fat. If I am perfectly groomed and well-dressed and charming and funny and cook well and don’t make demands, surely this will make up for me not looking like a swimsuit model. I focused primarily on his pleasure, feeling that if he worked to give me any, it would be one more thing I’d have to make up for.

This was all completely ridiculous, of course. I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t feel enthusiastically entitled to getting plenty of head, regardless of how attractive, successful, or blessed by the penis fairy he may (or may not) be. I no longer have any interest in anyone who doesn’t see my body for the soft, creamy, sensual playground that it is. And I have no time for anyone who isn’t enthralled by the prospect of sharing in my nearly insatiable and wildly creative sex drive.

Being equally sexually demanding and voracious is something women still aren’t really permitted to be, regardless of size, but it’s especially true for fat chicks. The prevailing assumption is that we’re supposed to be grateful for any attention we get, and we have no right to be picky and demanding about it.

Screw that.

If you haven’t gotten out of your own way and just let people be into you, try it…pronto. The truth is that men like sensual, smart women of many sizes. They like variety and intrigue. The ones that only like pneumatic fembots aren’t worth a second glance, even if you are magazine cover material. Once I stopped putting out the protective vibes of frigid wrath, men came out of the woodwork. Most of them were men any girl would be thrilled to have interest and attention from. Yet the only difference between the old me and this one is my attitude about myself and my own value. That kind of attitude adjustment is one we all need from time to time–I dare you try it on for size and let me know how it goes.

I’ll be here every month to talk about my experiences and challenges with sex as a single, fat girl. Got questions? Ask me anything.

- Peony