The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Image by Chelsea Ruth

Recently I saw a photo a friend captured of me during a weekend away in Chicago, and I was struck by how happy I looked. Joyful, with a side helping of silly and a dash of “probably about to crack wise.” I think we all need to have photos of ourselves that take us by surprise like this, that show our inner beauty reflected outward. This week’s image captures that spirit of joy we should each attain for ourselves. It’s contagious–I dare you to look at this vibrant smile and not want to smile yourself. Another cherished photo of mine features my parents and brother meeting my first son for the very first time; I’ve never seen my family look more beautiful than in that moment. When a dear friend’s son welcomed his first child into the world last week, his mom captured the palpable love and happiness on his face as he greeted his new daughter.

From our most memorable to our tiniest bits of silliness, seeing ourselves happy makes our burdens that much lighter. So we have a challenge for you camera-shy girls, because we all know how some of us carrying extra weight avoid being photographed. Take your camera out with a good friend who makes you giggle and get some great photos of yourself. Or at your next big event, take a chance and make sure you’re part of the photographs from that day instead of being the one behind or hiding from the camera, to firmly ground yourself in the happiness of that moment. I can tell you that as a big girl with a few more years under her belt than some of you reading now, you’ll look back on those joyful moments from decades ago, feel that happiness shining through and wonder why you ever felt the need to hide.

Tell us: what brings you joy? What does your happiest photo, memory, or both, look like?

Spring has sprung! The weather in many parts of the world is finally beginning to warm up, and with the sunny days and warm breezes comes my craving for summery mixed drinks on the patio. Though it’s not quite warm enough to justify pulling out the blender for slushy drinks like frozen mojitos, the weather’s perfect for a pitcher of something over ice.

I really enjoy stirring up a pitcher of cocktails. It feels a little more luxurious than mixing them drink by drink, and it’s more efficient! And don’t worry–this punch doesn’t require a multitude of liquors you’ve never heard of and may never use again. In fact, it’s just rum and fruit – which makes it one step removed from health food, right?

Celebrate spring with a pitcher of punch this weekend! Enjoy!

Pineapple-Rum Punch
(recipe courtesy of Martha Stewart)
1 can (46 ounces) pineapple juice
2 cups spiced rum
1/2 cup fresh lime juice (6-8 limes)
Lime slices, for garnish

In a large pitcher, stir together pineapple juice, rum and lime juice. Refrigerate until chilled. Serve over ice and garnish with lime slices.

Even for weddings, my brothers and I don’t really do “traditional”

Chances are it’s happened to you already. Perhaps it was your sister, your best friend or your college roommate. You may have been over-the-moon excited, or you may have agreed with a pasted-on smile and a sinking stomach. Regardless of the circumstances, almost every fat girl will eventually face the question, “Will you stand up in our wedding?”

Having answered “yes” three times so far (2002, 2005 & 2008), I found myself saying “I wish I’d known back then…” several times as this Guide came together. Weddings can bring all kinds of emotions — both happy and bittersweet — to the surface, but for fat girls they also bring the potential stresses of conforming to a dress code, standing for long hours, and appearing in photos that will be kept forever. If that last sentence has you wanting to throw in the taffeta, hold onto your garters and see if our Guide gives you other ideas.

Make the best of your dress

Let’s get this out of the way: Unless you’re attending the Coolest, Most Laid-Back Bride in the History of Time, you’ll likely be asked to wear a dress that wouldn’t be your first choice, or possibly even something you’d wish on your worst enemy. For better or worse, brides sometimes begin planning their weddings with very specific mental images about how everything will look, and bridal party attire often plays a large role. Accept that fact. The sooner you do, the less painful everything else will be.

So, while you may not be determining fashions for the entire wedding party (more power to you if you are – go buy that awesome bride a drink!), some brides will be amenable to a request or suggestion if it’s approached just right. We recommend whittling your bridesmaid dress wish list (Remember: Not. Your. Wedding.) to the one item that’s your absolute deal breaker–and then avoiding the phrase “deal breaker” when you offer feedback. Maybe you know from experience that you’re too busty to pull off strapless without an NC-17 rating. Maybe skirt-and-top separates don’t provide enough coverage in back for you to move comfortably without exposing skin. Or maybe you’re just hoping and praying for a cut that doesn’t wrap your tummy or hips in a death grip. Part of signing on for bridesmaid duty is agreeing to be flexible, but your bride likely wants her ‘maids not to hate her — or at least to look good in photos.

Although the rule of thumb is to begin with a style that flatters the largest bridal party member(s), if your bride’s not a fat girl herself, she may not be hip to this idea… yet. Try to be as honest as possible with her while respecting her role as decision maker. (This part is especially important if she’s leaning toward a dress that doesn’t come in your size.) Offer to shop or pore over endless bridal mags with her (either in person or online). Show her some fabulous options that are fat-girl friendly and non-frumpy (see below). Share photos from a gorgeous wedding you attended where each bridesmaid selected her own dress in a color of the bride’s choosing.

If, despite your best efforts, the mandate is a dress you just can’t live with, the decision becomes yours. You can grin and bear it (and never, ever look at the photos) or politely decline. Both choices have their repercussions; follow your gut to decide which one is right for you in the long run.

Beyond the butt bow

Let’s assume that you’ve snagged some level of control over your fashion fate — where do you turn now? Fortunately, the world of plus-sized fashion continues to expand by the season, giving prospective bridal parties more flattering options than ever before. Superstores like David’s Bridal offer many dress styles (including separates, which allow you to mix different sizes for top and bottom) in sizes to 26, with some options extending to size 30. Sizes at online retailer Sydney’s Closet range from 0-44, though you’ll pay extra for sizes above 26. Other suggestions include inweddingdress.com (creative styles in sizes 2-26W), PS Bridal (discount online retailer specializing in plus-sized dresses and guaranteed fits, sizes 0-32+), designer Alfred Angelo (carries sizes 0-30W) and TheRoseDress.com (sizes ranging from 0-28 or small-6X, depending on designer). When my brother got married in 2008, my sister-in-law gave us free reign on dress selection. I thanked her profusely, then fell in love with a tea-length green number from IGIGI (see photo), although their bridal party pickings are currently a little slim.

When it comes to fabrics and cuts, remember that stiffer fabrics (satin, taffeta, velvet) don’t drape as nicely as more fluid options (crepe, chiffon, silk) and may add the illusion of more weight to your hips, waistline, etc. Ruffles and excessive pleating will do the same thing. A-line cuts generally flatter most figures and are more forgiving of larger hips and thighs, while interesting necklines or details draw the eye upward and away from your lower half. If you’re busty, be sure the top and straps offer enough support to keep you from spilling out.

Alter before altar

As we learned previously here at FGG, tailors can do wonders for your finished silhouette with a few nips and tucks. Consider enlisting a professional to help you look your best in bridesmaid couture — whether it’s a simple hem job for short girls or something more elaborate like contouring the waist, moving the straps or taking in the bust. The second time I was a bridesmaid (2005), the bride and all three of her attendants were plus-sized. Sizing for the burgundy dress she selected stopped at 24 back then, so we three ‘maids took our gowns to a local seamstress to have them sized more appropriately. In addition to hiking up the skirt a solid five inches for the shortest bridesmaid (yours truly), for two of us that meant adding a panel of fabric to the skirt, which we had wisely included with our purchase. It’s always better to purchase extra fabric at the same time you buy the dress; the odds are better that the color and sheen will more closely match your existing palette. Fair warning: The additional fabric and alterations tacked about $100 onto the price of the dress (thankfully, ours were purchased on sale).

A strong foundation

All the gown-selection care in the world won’t matter if you don’t dress the part underneath. For big girls like us, that may well mean taking one for the team and making peace with your Spanx. In addition to smoothing the line of your hips, tummy and thighs (which will help the fabric drape more smoothly and improve your silhouette for photos), the control provided by shapewear can give you a bit more confidence as you move down the aisle or shake it on the dance floor. I’ve fought a lifelong battle with shapewear but have had genuinely good results with the Spanx Super Power Panties. The top portion comes high enough to enclose my tummy without rolling down, and the legs don’t pinch, chafe or leave impressions, which is a huge relief. They’re pricey ($32) but they smooth the lumps that show on my hips otherwise.

Equally important is a good bra, especially if your dress is strapless or sleeveless. Both Lane Bryant and The Avenue offer convertible bras that can accommodate numerous strap configurations. If you plan to have your dress fitted, be sure to take and wear your convertible bra for the fitting so the tailor can adjust accordingly.

Accessorize your assets

If you get to select your own shoes for the big day, choose a pair that work with your dress but also won’t lead you to cursing under your breath two minutes into the ceremony. Chunkier heels provide more support and stability but don’t always look as cute with formal dresses. Heels make your legs look great, of course, but they also increase the weight-bearing pressure on the balls of your feet and the toes (good time as any to try gel inserts?). Even if you’ve hand-picked your shoes (and especially if you haven’t and are wearing bride-issued heels, sandals, etc.) consider packing a pair of ballet flats to change into for the dancing portion of the reception.

Some brides choose wedding jewelry as the “thank you” gift for their attendants; this is another area where it pays to be respectful but open with your bride; standard necklaces or bracelets may not fit a plus-sized girl’s neck, wrist, etc. My sister-in-law gave us knockoff pashmina shawls in 2008, which I loved. Even if your bridesmaid dress doesn’t include a wrap or shrug, arm-conscious girls can always bring one of their own to don after pictures (or before, with bride’s blessing).

Finally, if you’ve got the cash for it, say “yes” to any pre-wedding mani/pedi or massage pampering. It’s a great way to bond with the other members of the wedding party and the bride (especially if you live far apart), and it will help make you feel pretty, primped and sexy for the day of the wedding. Hair and makeup can be another glamorous treat (sometimes the bride pays, sometimes you do), but be sure you’re using a stylist that your group trusts. I’ll never be able to create the amazing makeup job done by the stylist from my Bridesmaid ’05 stint, but I’ve also seen friends horrified and bawling after a pro makeup job produced drag queen results.

Through it all, a little perspective

Years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of one of my best high school friends. Things were chaotic from the start: She lived in Denver, I lived in Chicago, and the wedding was in Detroit. Truthfully, I had no business holding the MOH title, since her sister did most (okay, all) of the work. I was young, broke, recently un-engaged, and a train wreck of epic proportions. On the morning of the wedding, we all had our hair done at a local salon, and I foolishly turned myself (and my ultra-long, willful hair) over to the care of the stylist without much direction. She suggested an updo that involved knots of some sort; I deferred to her and zoned out. Ninety minutes later, I was sobbing on my mother’s shoulder because my lifeless hair was skinned back from my head, emphasizing all the wrong things about my heaviest-weight-ever features.

Looking back on it now, I wish I could relive that day. Not because I’d do my own hair (though I have ever since) or because I’d ditch the ridiculous white nylons I wore under the dress (yeah, I don’t know), but because my attitude was all wrong. Being asked to stand with someone as they take their vows is an honor and a privilege. True, it often costs us an arm, a leg and a few shreds of our dignity, but it means we’re loved and cherished enough to be in the innermost circle. We’re flattering ourselves if we think all of those eyes are on us during the wedding instead of on the bride and groom. And as a bridesmaid, you only have to “ooh” and “aah” over the photos once or twice, not mount them on your wall.

So I had knots on my head for one day out of my life…who cares? When I look at the one photo I hung from that day, I don’t see the stupid knots or the remains of my tear stains — I see how much Rebekah cared about me and wanted me to be by her side. I’m reminded about how much she still means to me. And I see a friendship worth wearing Spanx for. Hopefully, each of us is lucky enough to have at least one of those friendships in our lifetime.

What are your best bridal party tips and tricks, or your “oh, hell — never again!” bridesmaid stories? Share all the juicy details in comments.

Holding Hands by Chinogypsie

You know your relationship needs help when you get cold shouldered by Dixie Carter’s death. Nothing against Ms. Carter, but when a two-inch celebrity obit is enough to kill your partner’s mood, it might be time to ask what’s going on. In our case, it’s one of those Mars-Venus things.

Ordinarily, my wife and I are an excellent team. Whether we’re camping in a state park, planning a holiday party, or co-parenting our fierce and willful four-year-old daughter, we’ve learned to anticipate each others’ needs, to communicate effectively, and to work with the skill and efficiency of a NASCAR pit crew within a schedule that’s often jam-packed with obligations. When one of us needs an afternoon off from parenting, the other picks up the slack. When one goes to the store, (s)he always considers what the other might need, without having to ask. In short, we know how to put the other person first. Which, to me, is the very definition of love. So, all would seem idyllic.

Well, not quite. As I’ve learned, all these things, while necessary and good, fall under the rubric of “support and partnership” but leave something to be desired when it comes to “cherishment.” Now cherishment is a word you may not have heard recently, probably because the last person to use it was likely Chaucer. But in essence, it encompasses all those little loving behaviors that one person displays to show physical affection: holding hands across the dinner table, playing idly with your partner’s hair, looking soulfully into your partner’s eyes, kissing deeply and passionately without the expectation of anything more.

As my wife explained it, “As a big woman, it’s easy for me to slip into thinking that ‘he won’t touch me unless he wants sex, so he must think I’m gross.’” Of course, being a bit of a beef-wit, I hadn’t thought of that. And I should have, because my wife’s been more than frank about her history before we got together. In those days, when her self-esteem was low, it was not unusual for her to be, shall we say, less than particular about her choice of partners—her logic being: “Well, he wants me. Good enough. I guess I’ll go home with him.”

Problem is, I’m just not a touchy-feely guy, and as such, I forget that those little caresses are so important to her. More importantly, I forget that their absence carries a negative subtext. So while I excel at support and partnership, I fail miserably at cherishment. Which is why something like Dixie Carter’s death can derail date night, even after seeing the movie “Date Night.” And while I’m not naïve enough to believe that remembering an extra quart of milk at the market is going to make my wife want to blow me (really, I’m not), I do believe all the times I put her needs before my own should count for something.

This is the part of the column where you might expect to find some pithy insight that solves the problem I’ve just described. Well, you can sit back in your chairs…no such luck. After another slogging late-night argument, my wife and I went to sleep, only narrowly averting a scenario where one of us bunks on the couch. We’ve discussed marriage counseling–I was in favor, she was against. We’ve each done a lot of work on ourselves, both in recovery from substance abuse and in individual psychotherapy. So I do understand her reluctance to embark on yet another soul-scouring enterprise.

So rather than tie this all together with some flip, clever, or pat answer that might get a laugh but solves nothing, I’ll put the question to you, dear readers: How do you practice “cherishment” in your relationship? And how do you encourage it in your partner?

PS – To Ms. Carter’s family, no disrespect intended. Dixie was kick-ass.

image by marco sickofgoodbyes

What are some good at-home workouts for beginners?

Whether your goal is weight loss, stress relief, improved flexibility or just stronger muscles and more energy to keep up with household chores/kids/the demands of an average day, the fact is our bodies need to move. Here at FGG, we’ve presented fat-girl-friendly exercise options as diverse as hiking, dance lessons, health club memberships, yoga, indoor rock climbing and – most recently – water aerobics. But what about those of us who aren’t ready to (or interested in) working out in public? Fortunately, the list of at-home workout options is miles long; unfortunately, it can be tricky to find the right starting point, especially if you want to ease your way into becoming more active. That’s why we’re glad to help narrow the search.

(We probably don’t need to say this, but just in case: always get the green light from your health care provider before beginning any new exercise routine, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve worked out).

As always, the best place to start is by understanding your goals. Are you looking for a cardio workout to get the blood flowing? Movements to increase your strength and flexibility? A fun way to get yourself up and off the couch? Or maybe there’s a particular genre of fitness you’ve always wanted to try — something like hip-hop dance or aerobic striptease? Opt for an activity that holds interest for you or risk throwing away your money on DVDs that will only gather dust on your shelf.

For one of the most basic at-home activities, walking,  Leslie Sansone’s “Walk Away the Pounds” series is a tried-and-true fat-girl staple, thanks to easy movements, Sansone’s focus on low-intensity variations, and a perfect-for-rookies one-mile workout that includes a warm-up and cool-down all in 20 minutes. (Note: Don’t sweat the water-filled, two-pound weights Sansone recommends; you can replace them with any hand-held or wrist-worn substitute, grab a couple of soup cans, or just complete the movements sans weights.) Sansone also offers several toning videos that are great for beginners, and her style is upbeat and motivational (if a little chirpy for me some days).

Two examples of routines for plus-sized women by plus-sized women are “Just My Size Yoga with Megan Garcia” and “Look Great, Feel Great: Plus-Sized Pilates.” Both videos feature real-sized hosts most fat girls will identify with, leading viewers through a range of beginning movements with thorough instructions. User reviews absolutely rave about “Just My Size Yoga” and Garcia’s approach, while indicating that “Plus-Sized Pilates” may be for ultra-beginners, as it moves very slowly and features more instruction than continued movement. While this may not provide the start-to-finish workout some desire, it could be helpful for those who are unsure of Pilates and want to try some moves before upgrading to a full routine.

For more ideas and reviews from both real users and the pros, check out Exercise Videos Reviews or Collage Video. And, in addition to tell-it-like-it-is user experiences, you can also find sample clips for many videos on Amazon.com. Your local library may also have some titles for check-out, so take a test drive before investing if you’re skeptical.

Don’t be afraid to think outside the DVD box. Today’s at-home exercise options are (thankfully) far more diverse than in the aerobics-and-crunches days of yore. Nintendo’s Wii Fit Plus alone has revolutionized the concept of working out in your living room by pairing video game fun with moves that promote cardio, strength and balance benefits. With options to customize your workouts and track your progress while choosing activities ranging from hula hooping to snowball fighting to juggling, Wii Fit works hard to take the boredom out of becoming more active.

Another at-home option may even been at your fingertips right now: ExerciseTV is carried by many cable providers, including Comcast, AT&T and Tivo, and the On Demand menu offers dozens of programs each month that you can complete whenever you like. Typical programming includes beginning yoga, 20-minute cardio, walking for diabetics, and sculpting workouts with Kim Kardashian (no, seriously). Workout levels range from beginner to the very advanced. The ExerciseTV Web site also provides training clips and full workout videos available for download. I liked the real body shapes (tummies! hips! arms!) represented by the “Make Me Over 40-Minute Workout,” but the range of motion was more demanding than I expected (a ton of squats), so consider this more of an more intermediate video.

Help add to our list by sharing your favorite at-home exercise routines in comments.

Truffles by David Leggett

Over the past year, I’ve made some gradual but fairly significant changes to the way I eat, with the main theme being “quality over quantity.” I felt the impact of these changes after sampling some pastel M&Ms from my kids’ Easter baskets (um, mostly with permission). I was surprised at how disappointing they tasted compared to the dark chocolate squares I’d been enjoying occasionally after lunch, when my sweet tooth seems to kick in.

There’s an astonishing number of ways to achieve a good chocolate fix, from handmade works of art like these Christopher Elbow Chocolates to a grocery store quick-grab Snickers bar. But if you haven’t gone out of your way to sample some fine chocolates, consider trying a few to note the difference. Sure, it might cost more, but that’s what makes indulgences feel so decadent and worthwhile. Torture, I know! You can make your own chocolate truffles, or perhaps peanut butter cup drinking chocolate from a recent Foodie Fridays entry is more your speed. Recent faves of mine include Ghirardelli Luxe Milk and Lindt – one square usually does the trick under my “quality” rule. There’s even Chocolate News, a site dedicated to finding the best artisan chocolates. If you have any unique and tasty chocolate sources you’d like to share, please do so in the comments.

Sweet tooth. Most of us have one. Some of us (okay, it’s me) have an insatiable one. This is why I’m always on the lookout for sweet treats that I can make in small portions, individual servings, or that keep well so I can stash the leftovers away for future sweet tooth moments. And this is why I love to freeze cookie dough.

I’ve learned enough over the years to know that if I bake a big batch of yummy cookies that they’re as good as gone if I don’t shuffle them off to work, dole them out to the neighbors, or find some other way to get them out of the house. If I know they’re in the kitchen, I’ll find any excuse to go in and snag one after another until there’s nothing left but crumbs (and I just may snag those, too). Makes for a happy sweet tooth, but not such a happy waistline. Enter the sage compromise of freezing cookie dough. Whip up a full batch, bake enough to make the sweet tooth happy, freeze the rest of the dough on a cookie sheet until solid, and then remove to a freezer bag. Throw the bag into the deep freeze and you’ve got cookies ready to bake anytime you want them! Bake them from frozen at the regular temp — just adjust your cooking time by a few minutes to allow for the defrosting process.

For those of you who love the sweet-salty flavor combination, this one’s for you. Sweet butterscotch and flaky sea salt is a marriage made in heaven and the oats back it up by delivering a nice, chewy texture.  Bake the whole batch and share with your family and friends, or bake just a few and freeze the remaining dough for future cravings or drop-in guests!

Salted Butterscotch Oatmeal Cookies
(adapted from Poppytalk)
1 cup butter, room temperature
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup skim milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cup wheat or white-wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups oats (regular or quick cooking)
2 cups butterscotch chips
flaky sea salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Combine flours, baking soda, and the first salt measurement in a medium bowl.
In a second bowl, beat together butter and sugar until fluffy. Add milk and vanilla until combined. Slowly add in flour mixture and mix until just blended. Add oats and butterscotch chips until incorporated.

Spoon large tablespoons of dough onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or a Silpat, leaving about 2 inches of space between each cookie. Lightly press down on each cookie to slightly flatten and sprinkle a flake or two of salt on each cookie. Bake for 12 – 14 minutes, or until cookies are golden brown. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

Yield: 24 – 30 cookies

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