Sex and the Single Fat Girl: When Opposites Attract
Can people who look drastically different still date? Absolutely!
Vive la difference!
Wouldn’t it be great if all of our dating-related anxiety evaporated once we met someone great? I think it should. After all the craziness often required to get to “great,” I don’t think anyone should be lying awake worrying about what other people think. But it’s hard not to worry at least a little when big differences loom between you like an elephant in the room — especially when those differences are physical. A potentially great pairing can wind up in peril if insecurity keeps you from enjoying each other, which can happen regardless of your size, age, or gender.
We all have an idea about how couples are “supposed” to look. They should probably be of a similar level of attractiveness, the archetypal big, strong man protecting the delicate, little (yet curvaceous) woman. That’s what pops into my mind, anyway. When you and your chosen one don’t fit into that mold, it can add another layer of anxiety to what’s already there.
What do you do when you’re dating someone who is really physically different from you or from that idea of what a couple should look like? Maybe they’re shorter or half your weight or absurdly fit and handsome or disabled or from a radically different cultural or ethnic background. No matter what the big difference is, it can be scary to confront. Unfortunately, you have to confront it in one way or another if you’re going to get comfortable with it. You must come to terms with the difference in your own mind, and you might even (gulp!) have to talk about it together.
Here’s the first thing you need to know: They wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place if they weren’t attracted to you — and I mean attracted physically. This is especially hard to believe if you feel like the guy is out of your league. I was with a guy for a while who was drop-dead gorgeous, had abs like Brad Pitt, was really nice, and was very successful. 99% of women would be seriously intimidated by him and be wondering why he had asked them out. I couldn’t help wondering why this guy who could have any girl wanted a fat girl like me. Turns out he was into my looks, my personality, my brain, and my big butt. It’s easy to forget that for many men, offering bigger versions of their favorite female body parts is a very nice perk. It’s even easier to forget that men are much less judgmental and far more appreciative of our bodies than we tend to be.
Here’s the second thing you need to know: They might feel physically inferior to you and fear that you won’t find them attractive. There’s a lot of pressure on men to be the big, strong Alpha male. But of course, just as most of us don’t resemble supermodels, many guys don’t fit that hunky he-man mold. I’ve dated men who were short and guys who were very thin and one who was so overweight and out of shape that he couldn’t walk a city block without getting winded and needing a break. While I was worried they would think my body was too big, they were even more worried that their bodies didn’t measure up to my standards. It’s easy to put those fears to rest if he asks whether or not it’s an issue. If it doesn’t come up, you can be stealthily reassuring and mention the things you like about his body.
Ultimately, you have to stop fretting over your differences and find the bonuses that they bring to your relationship. Do you get to enjoy the eye candy and enthusiastic attentions of someone with the body of an underwear model? Lucky, lucky girl. There are great things about kissing someone who’s about your height, and there are even greater things about how other parts of you line up. A big guy will make you feel especially feminine and delicate. Not only will you not break a skinny guy if you’re on top, but you might find that a whole new range of positions are available.
Having doubts and insecurities is inevitable–if it’s not looks, then it’s going to be something else. It’s human nature. The important thing is to not let those doubts or worries get in the way of enjoying each other. Just as we big girls should hold our heads high and feel comfortable in our own skin wherever we go, we should feel just as proud stepping out with our partners, because variety can be deliciously spicy.
Have you dated a guy (or girl) who was vastly different from you physically? How did you handle it (or not)? Share your experiences in the comments.
I not only dated men who were very different from me physically, I married one of them! Isn’t it funny that the expression “opposites attract” doesn’t refer to physical opposites? I’ve always felt deeply attracted to those who are nothing like me: I’ve got enough of me. I’m tired of me. I want someone who comes from a completely different place. Only then can I see the world from another perspective. Only then can I learn and unlearn things. Deep down, my husband and I hold very similar values, but we differ in our appearances, our cultures, our personalities. Born many years and miles apart, we’re well-suited to one another. Cliche as it sounds, love is never where you think you’ll find it.
>> absurdly fit
That’s my husband. He’s a cyclist and mountaineer and search and rescue technician and you can bounce a quarter off his quads.
I was a size 24 when we met, and I spent a lot of awkward years quietly obsessing over that (we’ve been together for almost 10). But despite that his type before me was athletic/trim, he barely seemed to notice it, and it definitely never impacted our sex life or his expression of love and affection.
I hate to use the cliche that love is blind — because even for the most altruistic of us it really isn’t always — but it IS testament to the fact that for a lot of men, and women, the package is worth much more than the sum (or size) of its parts.
So to speak
I’m dating a guy who’s super hot (to me anyway- he’s SO my type) and I’m a size 18 right now, down from a 24. I’ve been losing weight for my own reasons, but damn is he into my butt and boobs. Still, I’m always feeling a little self-conscious when we go out, like people are wondering what he sees in me. I’m smart and cute and funny dammit! CATCH UP self esteem!
Cat – no kidding! Same here. When I started losing weight – I’m hovering b/w 18 and 20 now – I noticed I was waiting, cringing, for some change in him to go along with it. Like a shoe to drop in something he did or said that would make me realize that it HAD been impacting those things and I just didn’t notice. (i.e., more affection, comments)
But thus far, the only difference has been the big wide smile he gets when he tells me he loves how I let him grab/touch/feel me up more now than I used to when I was more shy about my body. I think he (and maybe a lot of guys) just had no idea they loved the softness of women with curves until they tried it. Seriously.
I have an absurdly fit one, too.
I actually gained weight from when we met, going from still technically overweight but kinda normal size 10 to my more typical size 16.
When I was single, I went through a good long phase of self punishing gym workouts and dieting and it was “easy” to do when I was on my own. But then I met him, got happy, and a lot of my obsessive habits dropped off and I gained 60 pounds.
He says he likes my body still, but I do worry.
I let myself down, and I let him down, too. I don’t really understand how he can be so into his own fitness and athleticism, but not be bothered about my lack thereof.
But he’s so supportive and loving… I got really lucky on that front.
What a great read. I wish I could feel this confident. I usually date men who are fit or in way better shape than I am. I’m happy for the women here who have found a good man and here’s to those of use who haven’t but hopefully some day will!
I think I have only dated guys who are drastically different physically than me. Usually skinny or fit guys. They seem to always be the most into me. And always incredibly goodlooking. I’m usually the object of dismay and scorn fro skinnier girls who think that being thin=more attractive. Guys say they are attracted to my confidence, my ability to engage total strangers in lively discussions, etc. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t occasionally plagued with insecurities….
….I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t get an absolute thrill from having such an amazingly handsome and thoughtful, considerate total catch of a man that I attracted just by being me. I’ve got it all, a great relationship, a successful career and a future ripe with options. And I didn’t have to lose a single pound to get any of it!!!!
I’ve always had some pretty big self esteem issues, which prevented me from dating through high school and college. But after graduating this year, I decided to take a chance. I met a guy who’s ridiculously fit. He’s incredibly nerdy (like me) and we get along really well, but I keep worrying that he’ll suddenly reveal that he’s not into fat women. But at this point, he’s seen every inch of me and isn’t shying away yet.
It’s amazing to hear that so many of you ladies have had the same experience. It’s a relief to know that some men actually do love my curves and that he’s not hiding some sort of disdain.
By the way, I follow a lot of fat blogs and today is the first I’ve seen yours. Why wasn’t I following you earlier?!? Amazing work here!!!
I am just a tender 19 years of age. I am 5’1 and wear a size 20/22. I have always had body and self esteem issues especially when it comes to attracting guys that i will also be attracted to, which in my case is the more fit ones who take care of themselves. I havent dated at all yet simply due to lack of confidence, self worth and self esteem issues! HELP ladies! I am so inspired by all of the above comments!!!:)
sincerely,
Axia