Ask FGG: Should I Keep Dating Someone Who Criticizes My Body?
Know when to hold on and when to walk away.
Sometimes the answer is obvious: Cut your losses and move on.
(image by stevenvanwel)
Dear FGG,
I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We’re not exclusive or anything, and he’s kind of fun to be with. But almost from the beginning of our relationship, he’s been critical of my appearance, particularly my weight. He’s always making little comments about how thin people behave or remarking on how much better my clothes would fit if I’d join a gym and shed a few pounds. What’s really funny is that he has a bit of a belly and love handles, but I don’t mind stuff like that. The other night at dinner, he actually asked if I should be eating a salad instead of hamburger! I really liked him at first, but these comments are getting old fast. Should I stick it out and let him get to know me and see if he’ll accept me the way that I am?
No.
I’m sorry, can I interject here with a HELL NO?
I’d use the stronger language that is wont to come rolling off my tongue but I’ll refrain here.
Anecdote to round things out: A cousin of mine, who’s always been various degrees of overweight, settled for a d-bag about oh, 18 years ago. I have not spoken to her or said d-bag in 10 years for various family feud reasons but one reason is my lack of respect for her. Why? Because she married him. Because she did not stand up for herself against his comments about her weight. his comments started out similar to the asker’s here, and culminated in this stellar comment in front of ALL of her family one night:
“Yeah I saw photos of her from high school. Musta been crowned Queen of the Stick-Your-Face-In-The-Pig-Trough every year!”
It still makes my blood boil.
Dating a man who behaves like that will do nothing good for you. It will kill your self-esteem and it will degrade others’ opinions of you because you stayed with him.
I kind-of hope you’ll post this to myfaultimfemale.wordpress.com, because I don’t think this is just a fat issue.
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No, no, NO. If he’s criticizing you in the beginning, when everyone’s on their best behavior, just imagine what it will be like down the road.
You deserve someone who loves and adores you. ALL of you.
Dump him.
In short, DTMF.
Maybe I’m just paranoid, but persistent put-downs like that are a part of a pick-up artist’s playbook — I think the idea is to make you feel inadequate so you’ll work for his approval more?
So maybe the guy’s a manipulative douchebag instead of a shallow and callous douchebag. Dump him, either way.
He already isn’t accepting you the way you are, so why would you think his behavior is going to change? This guy needs to be explained how inappropriate that kind of behavior is. Gah I’m angry.
Here’s what I’ve learned over about a million years of dealing with fat phobic peeps who are often creeps –We teach people how to treat us. Taking that into consideration, give this guy a break and look at him as a blank canvas.
Just like an untrained puppy, if you don’t teach him that pissing on your sofa is not okay, he’ll go ahead and do it because he knows he can. If you haven’t actually stepped up and told this guy that you’re not okay with his comments, and you don’t appreciate having him piss all over you, then consider giving him the benefit of the doubt.
If you’re comfortable lovin’ the skin you’re in, then you’ve just got to make it clear to him, that this is who you are. No apologies. No excuses. No regrets–just you lovin’ yourself as you are.
As with all of us, he’s developed his beliefs by what he’s learned from his experience. His behavior is most likely the product of a man who was raised to value women based on how they look. Whether that comes from hearing sisters or mom hating on themselves for being overweight, or being a guy who is just insecure around women, or just does not like curvy women in general, that’s up to you to find out if he’s worth the time and trouble to retrain.
My suggestion is to take the bull by the horns and initiate a conversation letting him know immediately how you feel, what you expect from him and what you are willing to accept and what your deal breakers are. Then based on how that conversation goes, and then what follows, that will tell you everything you need to know.
I’ve got to tell you when I made the decision to love my thighs at any size, and stop dieting everything changed in my life. That’s when my confidence really started to soar, and yours can too.
Much love,
Andrea
I love Andrea’s comment and think there’s a lot of merit to it. That being said, I have a friend who is currently going through a divorce, ending a 10 year marriage to a guy that walked into her life with a negative attitude towards her body. Since my friend shared his attitude, and basically thought she might never do better, she accepted his criticisms, and lived with them far longer than anyone should. Of course, his attitudes towards her come from his own securities, a lot of which are based on his shorter stature, and probably the same is true about the guy in the letter. I wouldn’t go into any relationship expecting the other person to change, but the idea of trying to open his eyes through how you view yourself is an interesting idea, as long as you have a no-tolerance attitude towards the negative comments he — or anyone in your life — may make regarding your body.
I definitely think you need to find someone who likes and loves you the way you are. Plus sized women are beautiful. The comments he’s making likely won’t change, so if you don’t feel comfortable with them now, either confront the situation or move on.
Andrea -
Wow, what do you think the guy is, 14? Trying to change a guy usually doesn’t work.
This isn’t a friend. This is a new person she met on a dating site. If he doesn’t like how her clothes fit, or doesn’t like what she eats, or thinks she should join a gym — then he doesn’t like HER, and she has no reason to hang around.
(One time a guy slipped in “I’ve been going to a great gym, you should join” while trying to chat me up. I pointed out I’d been going to [Expensive Gym paid by employer] 3 times a week and could now leg-press 350lbs. Then I excused myself because my friends were waiting. He didn’t seem to mind — if anything, he looked a little pale.)
I have dated “this guy” in the past; in fact, I’m currently trying to determine if I’m dating “this guy” in the present. It’s not so blatant– rather, his comments seem to only reinforce and support me when I’ve just been at the gym; he withholds all compliments and admitted he does so in order to help “motivate” me. This blog post and the brilliant comments that followed remind me that I never need to (or should) wait for anyone else to “learn to accept” me as I am. Because I am fabulous, thighs and all.
If he’s generally a good guy and you enjoy being with him, then I’d say stick it out and maybe even take his advice. I’m a fat girl, and my best friend (a guy) is always giving me these little bits of advice. And thats what it is, advice. You can take it or leave it, the choice is yours. When my very fit friend would make those comments I ignored them at first, but they started to piss me off. We had a very long, deep conversation about my weight issues and my self esteem, and with his help and support, I’ve already lost 70 lbs this year. He didn’t force me into it, I made that decision on my own, and he has supported me every step of the way. Talking to him about it changed it from a source of negativity in my life, because I realized he is just blunt in what he says, but he wants me to be healthy and happy. He makes it so I’m not alone: we plan our meals together, go to the gym together, and work off of each others positivity to continue.
Robin, no disrespect but you are 360 degrees worth of wrong. “should take his advice” whatever. He doesn’t LIKE HER BODY means he doesn’t like her, and that is his problem. He should date someone whose body he likes. She should move on.
Stick with him. He might shame you into losing a few pounds. Or a few stone, ideally.
Hugh, what a d-bag comment. Go troll somewhere else. When I look at the way the world accepts big men as opposed to big women, it makes me ill. It’s reinforced by people who think it’s okay, and not totally beyond the mores of decent, polite society to criticize women’s bodies. How many people would openly tell a man that he really should exercise more so he looks better in his clothes? Why do we girls continue to take this kind of crap off people? My guess is that a lot of it goes back to society valuing a certain ideal of “hotness” above all other qualities a woman might possess — qualities we women value highly in men already, like intelligence, wit, a sense of adventure, kindness, etc.
Hugh also sounds like the kind of guy who can’t get a date, is unemployed, and lives in his “mum’s” basement where the interwebs provides his only companionship. There…this successful, cute, CHUBBY girl feels MUCH better. >:)
Why is he dating you? he wants a thin girl so dump him. He will critique everything you do or eat.. Pass him to Twiggy or Hugh … <3
Andrea! That was brilliantly put!!
I would add a little further….this guy already sounds like an abuser…fast forward 10 years down the road and he’ll be putting you down with his fist rather than his mouth!
These type of men always start out this way–slowly beating a woman emotionally down until she’s wearing her self esteem on the bottom of her shoes! Gotcha!!!!!
I just broke up with this guy. He picked me off a dating site, and then started telling me ‘you would be the perfect girlfriend if only you weren’t fat.’ Then he blew me off for a week because he ‘couldn’t deal with how you look [naked].” He saw me again… to make a case for me losing weight, so I would be acceptable to him physically.
So I sent him an email saying look, this is just going to make us both unhappy. Best wishes.
His response? I’ll monitor your dating site photos (for weight loss!) and get back to you later.
Any guy that doesnt love you for what you are…get rid of them. Some of us love big gals http://generationexpatblog.com/2011/08/01/confessions-of-a-chubby-chaser-in-china/
I almost settled for someone who was mostly okay, because I was terrified of being alone forever (I’m very fat and not pretty).
Then one day I met the perfect person who I felt was way out of my league. But this perfect person thought I was way out of their league.
We’re now engaged, and I’ve never been more grateful that I didn’t settle for someone who makes jokes at my expense, or doesn’t love my body as it is.
I do believe in finding someone who will love you whole-heartedly and unconditionally (body and all!), and that you will love them back just as much.
To they guy that doesn’t accept you for who you are: he’s not worth your self-esteem and future heart-ache.