The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Sometimes the answer is obvious: Cut your losses and move on.
(image by stevenvanwel)

Dear FGG,

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We’re not exclusive or anything, and he’s kind of fun to be with. But almost from the beginning of our relationship, he’s been critical of my appearance, particularly my weight. He’s always making little comments about how thin people behave or remarking on how much better my clothes would fit if I’d join a gym and shed a few pounds. What’s really funny is that he has a bit of a belly and love handles, but I don’t mind stuff like that. The other night at dinner, he actually asked if I should be eating a salad instead of hamburger! I really liked him at first, but these comments are getting old fast. Should I stick it out and let him get to know me and see if he’ll accept me the way that I am?

No.

Reunions call for writing your own Cinderella story.
(Image by Molmanik)

Dear FGG,

I have two reunions coming up this summer: a family reunion, and my 15th high-school reunion. Most of the people that will be at both of those remember me as a cute, slim girl just out of high school/college. Now I’m pushing 300 lbs and am DREADING the shocked and embarrassed-for-me looks I’m sure I’ll get. I don’t want to cancel, I’m excited to see a lot of the friends and family I’ve been missing, but it’s making me sick. Any advice?

This is a tough one. We’ve all known someone who starved or took diuretics in order to squeeze herself into a dress for a high school reunion–behavior we at FGG would definitely place in the “Don’t” column. Or perhaps you helped a friend decide whether she really can go home again when facing an extended family gathering. There’s a reason for this sort of anxiety: fear of the unknown. What will people think of us? Will we be judged–or worse, will people gawk and laugh, or gloat? No matter how far these worries may be from reality, they feel real in our minds. But in my experience, our fears over how we’ll be perceived because of our size often don’t come to life. Here are some quick tips to help you push past that anxiety and attend these milestone events with your head held high:

* Grab a girlfriend or two and make a day of finding an event-appropriate outfit that looks and feels fantastic on you. Bring pals who will give an honest assessment on whether that cocktail dress really does make your ass look fat without making you feel deflated but will also whoop and holler when you’ve found The One in the dressing room. Even if you’re attending a casual family picnic three states away, find a cute summer dress or flattering tee and skort. Why? Clothing that fits and flatters not only makes you look great, but if you feel comfortable and confident, you’ll feel less worried.

* Make an appointment at a salon or spa and sign on for every beauty treatment that you’ve been putting off: hair, nails, wax–the works. Yes, you’re beautiful just the way you are, but being made-over makes us feel special, and the fresh look will give you a boost of self-confidence that can make a big difference when you greet everyone. Don’t go for anything too drastic (or at least untested) here; the key is to feel beautiful, not regret that brassy color that seemed like a good idea at the time or fret over too-short bangs.

* Decide whether to bring a date. My husband and I didn’t attend each other’s high school reunions; with all that “remember when” talk, we figured it would be merciful to each other to go solo. While not everyone feels that way, it’s up to you to decide whether having someone who’s 100% in your corner will help you feel more comfortable. Family reunions are a different story, dependent upon how (dys)functional your particular clan is likely to be and how well a date or spouse will fit into that mix.

* Don’t mention your weight. Period. Odds are nobody will comment on it, at least not to your face. And if they dish behind your back, you likely won’t hear it anyway, and what you don’t hear can’t hurt you. I attended my 20th high school reunion weighing 100 pounds more than the year I graduated. I’d just had my third son, my hair was another color and texture (what can I say? I fell prey to the unfortunate ’80s perm trend), and nobody recognized me until they read my name beside my yearbook photo. And you know what? I survived. It wasn’t easy, but people were every bit as excited to see me whether I looked like I did then or a supermodel, and not a single person remarked on my appearance.

* Don’t do the “fat girl who makes jokes about herself to deflect from her appearance” thing. Follow the “if you can’t say something nice about yourself” rule at all times. Why? I’m the queen of using humor in any situation, from uncomfortable to cozy, but here’s an important distinction: I make fun of my actions, not my essence. I believe we take away from ourselves if we tear ourselves down, even in jest. And most people are aware that self-deprecating fat jokes are usually used to mask some deep insecurities. It only makes you and everyone else more uncomfortable deep down.

* Prepare a response to any intrusive or rude remarks before attending. Some people don’t have an internal filter, some people are just blunt, or insensitive, or just plain rude. This is often the case with family, where people sometimes feel they can throw down the “You’d be so pretty if . . . ” chestnut unchallenged, all under the guise of being “helpful.” Of course, this is a case-by-case situation, but if you know (or are afraid) a high school bully hasn’t changed and is likely to say something hurtful or your Aunt Betty will be pushing you to join Weight Watchers, have a response planned. Keep it neutral, calm, and don’t leave it open to argument; this keeps you from feeding any potential drama. To send a subtle message, try ignoring the comment and changing the subject. If you’re feeling bold, try, “I’d rather focus on enjoying myself and the reunion than sit and pick apart how we’ve all gone downhill.” If you’re dealing with someone who’s not good with subtleties then a flat, “Thanks for your opinion, but I didn’t ask for it” ought to do the trick.

Everyone wants to look and feel their best when seeing friends or loved ones after several years or even decades have passed, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But underneath that surface anxiety about our appearance, what truly matters is the sense of connection we feel with the people in attendance–whether you had dozens of besties or a carefully chosen inner circle. Chances are you’d regret not going more than you’ll end up regretting going, and as we all know, life doesn’t hand out very many do-overs.

Girls, have you attended (or skipped) a reunion recently that kicked up feelings of anxiety about your weight? Tells us about it in the comments.

image by eriwst

Dear FGG,

I’ve worn thongs since HS (big fan of no panty line), but it’s time for a reboot for me and my Target doesn’t sell my tried and true thongs anymore. I’ve worn other types of thongs and now understand what most people say re: thongs and uncomfortable. But regular panties feel weird on my used-to-no-fabric cheeks. Can we have a roundup on the best knickers out there? Thongs, boy shorts, panties – meant for women who might be carrying a little extra behind or in their tummy?

Oh, do I feel your pain. A few years ago, Target stopped carrying my favorite panties (I prefer a hipster style for coverage where I’m widest) and I still don’t think I’ve completely recovered. I think it’s common to become accustomed to a certain style, fabric, or cut, making everything else feel anywhere from alien and annoying to downright uncomfortable. You don’t mention a price range, but I did some digging and found some more affordable styles. For specialty boutiques that offer sweet nothings on the more frilly side, check out our Ask FGG column on plus-size lingerie.

If comfort is your first priority over the thong style, I’ll start with a few words about fabric. Avoid nylon and look for cotton paired with Lycra or Spandex (cotton keeps you cooler and Lycra®/Spandex adds stretch so your panties move with you comfortably). For a bump in cost, seek out performance, sports, or microfiber panties made with fabrics designed to wick moisture away from your body while you sweat while also moving with your body as effortlessly during workouts as everyday activities. (Junonia’s QuikCool™ fabric is a good example).

Keep in mind that these are just suggestions and, sadly, our staff hasn’t taken the opportunity to test these brands ourselves (but that would be a fun outing!). For a basic necessity, underwear is a finely honed personal preference and it might take some trial and error before you find a style or brand that suits you.

Comfy plus size bikinis, hipsters, and briefs

I hit the websites for many major big box and department stores and frequently recoiled in horror as I discovered that white and beige granny panties are still alive and well in the 21st century. So it took some digging, but I knew that Old Navy is a popular resource for affordable casual clothing, and while their plus size offerings are now available online only (what’s up with that, Old Navy?), their selection isn’t bad. These cotton/Spandex plus-size hipster 3-packs look great and the price is right at 3/$12 (also available in a bikini cut). These silky-smooth Hips and Curves microfiber bikini briefs ($9.99; sizes 1X-4X) come in fun colors and is also available in a boy short and thong style.

Plus size boy shorts and boxer briefs that fit like a second skin

Lane Bryant has a decent selection of boy short panties in plus sizes, but their lace trim microfiber boy shorts look super-comfy (3 for $29; up to size 26/28). Avenue has a utilitarian but super-sleek looking seamless boy short panty ($9.90/buy 2 get 1 free; up to size 26/28; also in a cute stripe pattern), and Just My Size (also available at Walmart) sells super-cheap ($9.98/4-pack) cotton boy shorts (watch their sizing, which goes from 9 to 14 but those correspond to 44-45″ and 61-64″ hips). I offer up these seamless plus-size boxer briefs for women by Junonia (cotton/Lycra® blend, $24.95, up to size 6X) as neither as a cheap-and-easy or adorable find, but a style I’d love to see more of out there.

Plus size Thongs with some stretch for comfort

These lace-trim Old Navy thongs (up to size 4X, they also come in stretch lace singles and cotton 3-packs–remember, sold online only) look perfect: stretchy, comfy, generously sized (some reader reviews suggest buying a size down, which means better odds that they’ll fit bigger girls) and they’re on sale as of this writing. Lane Bryant Cacique stretch cotton thongs look comfortable (sizes 12 – 26/28; 5 for $29); check their in-store sale tables for seasonal markdowns. I like the fuller coverage at the sides of this Woman Within stretch thong; they’re also tag-free for even more comfort (sized by hip width up to 68″). Avenue’s stretch lace thongs are also on sale now, come in vibrant colors and look super-comfy (sizes 14/16-30/32).

Good luck in your search for the perfect panties!

C’mon girls: tell us about your underwear. What’s your preferred style, brand, and/or retailer, and how do they best fit your body type?

relaxing moment courtesy of ximenacab

Some “Ask FGG” questions apply on any day of the year. Others, like this week’s reader inquiry, seem custom-made for hot and steamy July days.

There’s a spot on my back deck that would look great with a hammock, but I don’t want to spend a lot of money on something that might not hold me. Are hammocks one size fits all? If not, where should I look?

Few objects in this world say “relaxation” more completely than hammocks — they might as well work a good book and a refreshing drink into the purchase price. For overweight women, however, hammocks tend to fall into the category of “Items We Feel Compelled to Approach With Caution,” for fear they may not support our weight. (Other objects on that list: Camping chairs. Spindle-legged chairs. Men with runners’ builds.)

Choosing a fat-girl-friendly hammock

For the kind of portable hammock that’s popular for camping or use in the space you’re describing (i.e. sets up and relocates easily onto a deck or lawn, no trees or hardware required), a weight capacity of 225-250 pounds is pretty common. Most big box stores or sporting/outdoor goods retailers seem to offer at least one comparable model, in addition to styles with more of a sling factor.

Since you’ll be giving the hammock a home on your deck and likely won’t need to move it around, you’ll do better with a stand-and-hammock combo. To ensure reliable support, choose a hammock bed with a higher weight capacity (the Island Bay XL rope hammock accommodates 450 pounds) and mount it on a heavy-duty hammock frame; even better: buy both pieces as a kit ($174.98, Hammocks.com). Unless you’re specifically shopping through a site like LivingXL or My Size USA, look for hammocks that are geared toward multiple people; the weight limit, width and often the length will be higher than your standard one-person hammock.

If you prefer your hammock bed to feel more solid beneath you than rope weave, try a fabric or quilted style, instead. Girls who like more substantial-feeling hammocks will also want to choose a design with spreader bars, which hold the hammock open to create a flat surface rather than a slack sling. On the other hand, hammocks without spreader bars (350-pound capacity with adjustable frame, $169.98) offer a more cocoon-like feeling as you sink into them — though climbing back out may prove tricky. The frame we’d buy if money were no object? The Hatteras Hammocks® Roman Arc® hammock stand (450-pound capacity, $499.95). And then we’d put it on the dreamy beach scene in the photo and we’d swing on that puppy.

Installing your hammock securely

Whatever design you choose, be sure to buy a frame that’s compatible (some frames won’t accommodate hammocks with spreader bars), as well as any additional hardware your specific model indicates. Once installed, unoccupied hammocks without spreader bars should hang parallel to the ground without sagging. The hammock will sink once your weight is in it, but shouldn’t sag much — if at all — before that point. Detach and stretch the hammock tighter if necessary.

Readers who’ve had one eye sizing up the backyard trees as they read this post (13-16 feet apart is ideal) should keep in mind that they’ll need hardware secure enough to bear the same weight as their hammocks. Using hardware is preferable to tying rope around the trees for permanent installations because rope can be more harmful to trees in the long run. For temporary hammock placement, such as while on vacation, try easy-to-use tree straps.

Once everything is securely fastened, it’s time to take your new toy for a test swing, taking care to keep your weight evenly distributed (especially as you climb in) so the hammock doesn’t flip. All that’s left to do now is sway (okay, nap) for hours on end without a care. Isn’t summer grand?

Speaking of relaxing naps: I’m off to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine on the beach of Lake Huron. Look for fabulous posts by Toni & Tee while I’m gone, and I’ll see you all in August!

We’re curious: Do you prefer a flatter hammock bed or one that cocoons you? And what setup (frame, trees, portable) has worked best for your hammocking needs? Tell us in the comments.

The mission: To blend in here (image by YoTut)

One of the best parts of receiving FGG reader mail is that it gives us a glimpse into how diverse your lives and interests are. In recent weeks, we’ve fielded questions on everything from cycling to sundresses to tennis clothes. And this week it’s all about Vegas, baby!

I have a bachelorette party coming up for my good friend, and it is going to be at Wet Republic at MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I have nothing but thinner friends who can walk around in bikinis and heels . . . . I’m a size 16 and I can’t seem to find a suit and a cover-up that makes me feel sexy like my friends look in their bikinis. Any tips on where to shop? I want to look stylish and be comfortable in a [swim]suit in a public place like that.

Before launching into shopping suggestions, let’s take a moment to acknowledge your decision to attend the bachelorette party with your friends, despite the concerns you’re having. Publicly wearing a swimsuit as an overweight woman can be enough of a mental challenge even before factoring in the club vibe of Wet Republic. Your decision not to let your weight dictate whether you attend, but rather to seek a way to rock your own killer curves at the celebration is what FGG is all about. Good for you, girl!

Sexy full-figured swimwear

Now the fun part: shopping! If you haven’t already read through our recent Guide to Figure-Flattering Swimwear, it’s a great place to begin getting ideas for fun, trendy swimwear in plus sizes (including some sexy swim dress looks). We also recently answered another reader’s question about plus-size sarongs.

Both posts offer a mixed bag of finds, both practical and sexy. With your specific goal of blending into bikini-land in mind, what about a one-shoulder design from Monif C.? The single-shoulder look is hot this season, and the suit still provides plenty of coverage, as well as the option to show more or less leg, depending on your mood. (For more secure bust support, you can add the optional second shoulder strap.)

For a bikini-like feel with more stomach coverage, check out the plus-size offerings from Bikini Sunshine. Their two-piece suits are ordered as separates, so you can mix and match for the best size combination of top (cup sizes A/B through DDD) and bottom (sizes up to 18). We were drawn to both the black matte and purple babydoll tankini styles, in particular.

FGG editorial also admits to an ongoing love affair with the suits from Pinup Girl Clothing. Several of their styles come in plus sizes (up to size 20) and they’re bold, colorful and sexy in ways that celebrate the curves not all bikini bods can boast. Frankly, should you opt for the new vintage-inspired sheath suit (in red, black or gold), it wouldn’t shock us if your bikini-clad friends envied you.

Choosing a stylish cover-up to match

The cover-up you reach for will likely depend on the cut of your suit, but there’s just enough flounce and movement in this bandeau, waterfall-style design (sizes 1X-3X, Always For Me) to help you feel sexy without being over-exposed. If that’s not your style, the same site offers plenty of other options, including flirty skirts with tummy control (1X-3X) to babydoll dresses in multiple colors (2X-3X). Or, you could go for sexy and simple by pairing a georgette sarong (1X-2X, Swimsuits Just For Us) with the Rio De Janeiro Twist Bandeau suit from Always For Me. Available in four colors and sizes ranging from 16W-26W, this gorgeous, curve-hugging suit is just begging for a trip to Vegas.

Whatever look you choose, be sure to read Peony’s thoughts on swimsuit socializing before hitting the pool, and remember that confidence is the sexiest accessory of all. Have fun and keep us posted!

Ladies: What fat-girl phobias have you conquered so far this summer? Tell us about the activity or social gathering you braved — or suggest another great pool-party fashion for this reader.

Padded bike shorts protect you where it counts. (Image by L. Marie)

Summer is prime cycling time, so it seems only fitting that FGG’s very own Tee posed this week’s question in the comments of a recent Guide:

I’ve got an Ask FGG question of my own. Are there any padded plus-size bike shorts? I’m taking a spinning class that hurts my rear end, and I can’t seem to find those.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? Despite the padding many of us carry in that area, it often still hurts like crazy to sit on a bike and pedal. I’ll be honest — when I saw this question, I fully expected the answer to be “nope!” But it turns out my inner skeptic was only half right; padded shorts do exist in extended sizes (thanks, athletic apparel manufacturers!), but you shouldn’t expect to find the pads in the buttocks of your shorts.

The primary functions of chamois padding in bike shorts are 1) to wick moisture away from the body and 2) to provide a buffer between seams and stitching and your skin, thereby protecting delicate body parts and minimizing chafing. For this reason, the placement of the pad runs from the crotch area back through the tailbone — in short, the shape of the pad mirrors that of an extended bike seat.

Designed for women by women, the Shebeest Triple S Shorts ($80) are available in plus sizes 1X-3X. In addition to offering extended sizes, Shebeest equips these shorts with SheLastic^TM Chamois Plus pads, which are customized to accommodate the size and pressure of a bigger biker. The company’s Pedal Pusher Tights are also offered in the same sizes, with the same padding.

For a less expensive ($44.95), more colorful ride, Aero Tech Designs offers women’s Pro Bike Shorts in sizes 3X (22/24) and 4X (26/28) and in five different colors. Aero Tech’s sizable catalog of plus-size cycling gear includes triathlon shorts, a wrap-around skirt and jerseys. But for our money, the  maximum padding comes in the form of Aero Tech’s thick-padded Century Short, designed with extra “butt pillow” (sold!) cushioning for long-distance bike rides.

Whether you’re planning a leisurely ride along the bike path or on sweating through a spinning class, be sure to follow the accompanying care instructions on your new pair of padded shorts to ensure maximum garment life and moisture-wicking properties. And check out our Guide to Cycling for tips on finding a comfy seat and ride. Happy riding!

Any cyclists or spinners in the readership? How do you stay comfortable in the saddle during long rides?

image by sopues

We love hearing from our FGG readers. You girls help keep us tuned in to the questions and issues that are real and relevant in your diverse lives right now. This week’s reader question is a great example:

“Hello! I love to go snorkeling, jet skiing, etc., but find my time in the sun causes more than the occasional sunburn. I’d like to get one of those rash guard shirts that offer sun protection, but can’t seem to find one to fit me. I wear a size 20-22 top and I know they’re supposed to be slim fitting, but I end up looking like an over-stuffed sausage! Have you guys had any experience finding any in plus sizes?”

Worn during all types of watersports from surfing to kayaking, or just while swimming, rash guard athletic shirts (so named because they protect the skin while sliding on and off a surfboard) are made of spandex and nylon or polyester. In addition to providing protection from UV rays (shirts are given UPF ratings, similar to the SPF ratings seen on sunscreens), these shirts can be worn snugly over a swimsuit or layered under a wetsuit to minimize skin chafing.

The ideal fit is close against the body without making anyone resemble breakfast meats. Choosing a plus-size rash guard with the correct fit is important because UPF drops as a shirt stretches and the material thins out over your skin. The largest selection of extended sizes comes from Solartex Sun Gear, which offers women’s rash guard shirts in sizes as large as 5XL, which fits 52″-54″ chests. In addition to short-sleeve and long-sleeve shirts, Solartex also sells plus-size, unisex rash guard shorts, tights and loose-fitting swim shirts (up to size 6X), as well as a ladies’ rash guard swimsuit.

For a less pricey alternative (approximately $20 cheaper than the Solartex shirts), consider a short- or long-sleeved Lands’ End AquaTerra™ rash guard if you can comfortably wear sizes 1X-3X (16W/18W – 24W/26W). We like Junonia’s sporty, color-blocked rash guard with a zip-front style, but as of this writing every single size and color combination is on backorder.

Finally, the least expensive rash guard we found was from SunGrubbies.com: The short-sleeve version costs just $29.95 and is available in sizes up to 4X, which claims to provide “skin-tight” fit on women weighing 230-250 pounds, or a looser, “t-shirt fit” that’s comparable to a ladies’ 2X. Our only issue? A 5’2 woman weighing 250 pounds is likely to carry her weight much differently than a 5’11 woman of the same weight. Using weight as a sizing guideline sometimes makes things more confusing when the intent is to be clear.

Rash guards and swim shirts are gaining popularity, especially for their sun protection properties. Are you a fan? Tell us which brand and fit you prefer, and share your experiences about sizing in the comments.