The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Are Wii Having Fun Yet? by Peony

A few weeks back, Tee did a great job of breaking down some of the fat-friendly online dating sites, and you girls chimed in with your experiences. I’d like to continue that conversation with some tips on building an online dating profile that will get you noticed. As with resumes, it can be frustrating trying to sum up everything that’s great about us in a single, flimsy document. Let’s face it, girls: tooting our own horns is hard, and we all struggle at least a little when it’s time to talk about ourselves and pick photos that capture our fully adorable selves – all in the hope of finding true love.

As for writing about yourself, each dating site has different sections with prompts. I’m not here to tell you exactly what to put in those little white boxes, but I can give you some help beyond the classic (and excellent) advice to “be yourself.” To help boost your confidence, enlist the help of a trusted friend who will be honest and share your positive qualities. Avoid complaining about your past heartbreaks with cheaters and other jerks; so many women sound off about this, and it only drowns out their good qualities. It’s kind of a given that most of us have had our hearts stomped on, so focus on sounding hopeful and enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting someone. Start by mentioning things you enjoy doing–not only does this give someone things to talk about with you, but it can offer prospects some great date ideas.

Finally, under no circumstances should you say that you don’t know what to put here or that talking about yourself is hard. Everyone else on the site managed to do it, and you can, too. Just be positive and don’t put too much pressure on yourself–you can always edit and refine your profile later. (Don’t forget to check your profile every few months to make sure it’s still accurate).

Next you’ll need a portrait, and this is one thing I can tell you all about. I’ve worked as a semi-professional photographer and still pursue it as one of my favorite hobbies. I did a year-long self-portraiture project AND I’ve worked with curvaceous brides, so I know a thing or two about looking good in pictures when you don’t have a model’s body. OkCupid released an interesting study they did on how user pics affected interest in their dating profiles. Check it out here. You absolutely must have recent pictures. I have been on a date (twice) where the guy used old pictures and had become significantly less attractive in the meantime. Relying on old photos of a thinner you starts things off disingenuously, and it’s very tough to recover from that and move on into a relationship.

Find a friend to help you take good pictures. Make a day of it — change outfits a few times or go to the park. Wear something you feel pretty in, wear the amount of makeup you would for a normal workday, and have fun with it. Just relax and let yourself get used to your personal paparazzi. The great thing about digital photography is that you can easily take two hundred pictures to get three or four good ones. Natural light is best, but you can stay inside if it’s gross outdoors; look for soft, flattering light from a window. Also, if you photograph yourself at home or at a friend’s place, make sure whatever is showing behind you is tidy! Your sink full of dishes or overflowing dirty laundry basket shouldn’t be someone’s first impression of you.

You’ll look best if the pics are taken from slightly above you to minimize a double chin. Stand up straight and tall, shoulders back, chin up. You’ll get the best pictures if your photographer gets in close (3-4 ft for the average point and shoot camera) to fill the frame with you. Turning 3/4 rather than straight on gives a flattering silhouette that’s pleasing to the eye. You should have a couple of good face shots and something that gives an idea of what your body is like. If you don’t have a friend to take pictures, set the camera on something sturdy, use the self timer, and be patient – remember, you can easily delete any non-keepers as you practice.

A word about photo editing: don’t Photoshop things too much. Covering up a blemish is okay, but heavy editing is best left to the pros. If you have the software and tools, fixing technical things (exposure, contrast, etc.) is a good idea. Flickr offers the Picnik photo editing service, which has basic free features and additional tools available for a low price.

These tips should get your online dating adventure off to a good start. Feel free to ask questions in the comments, and I’ll see if I can’t answer them or point you to a good resource!

Charlie’s pre-op glamor shot

As an adult, I’ve never been overly concerned about what I put into my body. For one thing, I was a fall-down drunk for 15 years—which meant that my four food groups were beer, whiskey, potato chips, and Alka-Seltzer. I did not eat breakfast from 1981 to 1996, unless you count the daily ritual of Coca-Cola, aspirin, Tums, and a multivitamin. In those days, my weight fluctuations depended more on the type of job I had (or didn’t have) than on my eating habits.

Even when I got sober, I didn’t really watch what I ate, figuring that giving up alcohol was my lifetime deposit in the Karma Bank. (I also believed life owed me a pass on the felony of my choice.) So if you held up a food item and asked me how many grams of fat it contained, I’d shrug and ask, “Why should I care?”

Then, last March, I had a stomach pain unlike any I’d experienced before. And considering I’d been a blood-puking drunk 14 years earlier, that’s saying something. There was no nausea, just pain. Lots of pain. I tried conventional therapies: antacids, acid-reducers, and anti-gas pills. Nothing worked. I lay down, stood up, curled into a ball. Still nothing. I even drove myself to the nearest emergency room, but it was a busy night for automotive stupidity, so I decided not to wait and drove home. Then, about 3 hours after the pain had started, it subsided.

Believing it to be an isolated incident, I made no dietary changes and went on as before: take-out, fast food, etc. Then, 3 weeks later, the pain returned. This time, I decided to ignore it, and went out for tacos. That attack lasted 5 hours. Fast forward 3 weeks to yet another attack. Then, on the night following my wife’s birthday cook-out, I awoke with a knifing pain so bad I had to consider for a moment whether I was having a heart attack. After an hour the pain stopped, and I wasn’t dead. So I ruled out a coronary.

I decided to consult that bastion of medical information—the Internet. After wading through miscellaneous anecdotal reports and discounting the extra-horrible diagnoses, I arrived at “biliary colic,” a condition resulting from a gallstone, blocked duct, or otherwise faulty gallbladder. “Hmmm,” I thought. “I should see a doctor.”

My doc examined me and ordered an ultrasound, which showed a stubborn gallstone lodged in the neck of the gallbladder, which (appropriately for me) is shaped like a wine skin. So, it was off to a surgical consult. As you may have guessed, the surgeon recommended surgery, sort of the way mechanics recommend brake jobs. Being a coward, I asked about alternatives. Being a surgeon at heart, he said there were none. The only problem was, the next available slot for elective cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) was 6 months away, in October. I asked what I should do in the meantime to prevent further attacks. “Eat low fat,” he said.

Fear of excruciating pain is a great motivator. And in this case it served as a wake-up call that I was no longer 22 years old, and that I had to pay at least some attention to what my body was telling me. So I was faced with the choice of counting fat grams or risking another 5-hour attack of stabbing gut pain. Since I had no idea what my daily fat intake was, given a totally unrestricted diet, I figured I should find out. Short answer: 110 grams. I had (and still have) no idea if that’s high or low. But, to be safe, I figured I’d cut that number in half.

I eliminated all fast food and take-out (except for Vietnamese and Indian food) and then took a whack at my home eating habits. No more peanut butter. Peanut butter, when it comes to fat calories, is Satan in a candy-apple red Caddy. And Satan’s girlfriend is mayonnaise. So out they went. Then I just substituted low-fat versions of everything else I ate: low-fat sausage, low-fat waffles, light bread, 2% cheese, pretzels instead of potato chips, Fig Newtons instead of Chips Ahoy, etc. Then I took a recount: 45 grams. I’d actually cut my intake by 60%.

Best of all: it worked. The 45 g/day low(er) fat diet kept me attack-free for 6 months, right until my surgery date in October. As a bonus, I lost 23 pounds, going from about 208 to about 185 lbs, and I dropped a pants size.

The surgery itself was done laparoscopically at an outpatient surgical center. I was in by 1pm and out by 7pm, and my recovery was swift and uneventful. I was off painkillers 4 days post-surgery and was able to eat normally within 2 weeks. Having lost the luxury of willful ignorance, I remain at least partially aware of my fat intake, even if I allow myself the occasional éclair, and I’ve managed to keep 20 of the 23 pounds off. And while it certainly worked for me, I don’t recommend a stubborn gallstone as a weight-loss program.

Charlie O’Hay is a poet whose work has appeared in over 100 literary magazines, including Gargoyle, The New York Quarterly, and West Branch. He currently works as a freelance advertising copywriter and manuscript editor, and blogs at It Ain’t All Pizzas and Cream.

Mirror Love, by Peony

Valentine’s Day is a big deal for a lot of people. Some of you out there started panicking on Monday because there were only two short weeks until the big day. And you’re in a new relationship! And what do you do without making it a big Valentiney deal!?

I’m here to tell you one thing: bold acts of romance inspired by the pressure of the day will not be your friend. This goes double if there isn’t a precedent for the great big thing you’ve thought up.

There are a few classic pitfalls we often fall into in the excitement of new relationships, regardless of whether or not it’s Valentine’s Day – a high-pressure holiday just makes them that much more tempting. Don’t freak out! Get smart and enjoy the day with your new lover in a comfortable, low-pressure environment that will let you relax and be your charming, beautiful self.

Pitfall #1 — The Fancy Dinner

You don’t need reservations for a $200-a-plate candlelit feast. Instead, you’re gonna take the day off work, get out your cookbooks, and put all your new love-energy into whipping up a five-course meal that no restaurant could top. Who needs French chefs when you’ve got l’amour, right? No, wrong. Very, very wrong.

This situation begs for dishes to fail, for you to be exhausted and frazzled, and for the evening to be a whole lot of pressure and very little fun. A better idea? Make something you know you can ace with your eyes closed, like grandma’s famous lasagna, and invite him over for a taste of get-to-know-you. Tell him he can bring the wine. The food is satisfying, you’re relaxed, the kitchen isn’t a wreck, and you get to be the cool girlfriend who didn’t make some weird Valentine’s dinner with heart-shaped toast points smeared with foie gras.

Pitfall #2 — The Fascinating Conversationalist

What will you talk about? It’s way too early to sit there together and play the “No, I love YOU more” game. And it’s a really bad night to pick to have one of those where-is-this-going or “next level” conversations. Maybe you’re planning on spending the next week researching the things he likes so that you can be a super interesting person to talk to. Oh, the fun you’ll have throwing around hockey stats or your matching opinions on political referendums!

Don’t. If you’re not actually into it, it’s going to be obvious, and worse, you’ll only know enough for a conversation or two and then what? If his interest in you grows based on what he thinks you share as interests, you’re setting yourself up for failure later (or exhausting, after months of trying to pretend).

You’d be better off spending that research time learning just enough about him to ask him some really interesting questions. We all like to talk about the things we enjoy, and I’ve yet to meet a man who wasn’t interested in teaching me about his passions when he can tell I’m seriously interested. Not only will you get to learn about the way his mind works and what he likes, but you may stumble on something you two really do share and can enjoy together.

Pitfall #3 — The Sex Appeal

I like lingerie, and I love to buy it and wear it just for me. If someone else gets to enjoy it, too? That’s just a bonus. While sexy, lacey things on romantic evenings is always a tempting option, the pressure of big dates or the first time you plan to sleep together can make it hard to resist. But do resist. It’s  unnecessary, and creates false pressure for what the evening should be about, even if sex will be a part of it.

The same goes for exciting new adventures in bikini waxing and studying up on sexual positions that make you glad you made that New Year’s resolution about going back to yoga. If you haven’t slept together, prancing out in a hot pink satin negligee with a copy of Kama Sutra is quite the opening salvo. How will you top that? It’s all downhill from there.

Go with your gut here, but if you’re not sure what to do or are only doing something because it’s Valentine’s Day, forget spending energy on something just to impress your new guy (or girl). Instead, just do something for yourself. A new pair of cotton panties with a punchy print and matching bra, for example, will make you happy and comfy (and relaxed, and sassy, both of which your new lover is likely to notice and appreciate). The better you feel, the more fun everyone will have, and that’s what your day, and night, should ultimately be about.

Best wishes for a happy, stress-free Valentine’s Day, no matter how you spend it!

- Peony

He wasn’t kidding about ’70s fashion for boys

We’re excited to announce the debut of “It’s a Guy Thing,” featuring our new columnist, Charlie O’Hay. Each month, Charlie will address everything from how guys perceive the feminine form to the weight-related struggles many men face to raising confident daughters. Please give him a warm welcome!

Until I was 10 years old, words like “diet” or “calorie” were rarely if ever heard in our house. Then my dad had a heart attack. At the age of 39. And everything changed. There were strict rules and forbidden foods, plus calorie-wheels, and bookmarked low-cal recipes everywhere. It was the 1970s, so there was no shortage of self-help or health-guru books. And my parents used them, liberally.

I watched as my dad struggled, truly struggled, to drop the weight. After all, he was a man for whom food was his only excess. He worked at a bank, didn’t drink, didn’t gamble, and he and my mom had slept separately since I could remember. Yes, he smoked. But it was the 1970s. Even the cat smoked. But food was his pleasure, his refuge, his sex, his toy, his love.

My dad and I were a lot alike. Looking back at the curled, sepia-toned photos of his teen years, it was easy to see myself in him. I was chubby, what they then called “husky” (a term that still brings a twinge of shame and a sprinkling of rage when I see it in the context of body size). I was also hopelessly un-athletic, owing in part to a severe birth injury to my right arm, suffered when my mom’s obstetrician attempted to deliver me using hot dog tongs. Being both un-athletic and unpopular at school, the focus of pleasure for me was food. The after-school box of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups was something of a standard. Back in the day (mid-1970s), Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups came 24 to a box, 12 to a layer, and separated by a sheet of brown cardboard. Making it to level 2 meant I’d eaten over a dozen. If I stopped halfway through the box, my mom thought I was coming down with the flu.

So while my dad shrank, I grew. And for those of you who may not remember the fashions of the 1970s, it was NOT a good decade to be either a teenager or chubby. Someone decided that loud plaids, corduroy pants, and broad collars were the epitome of beauty. Going to a department store was an exercise in hopelessness. The clerk would grin, and gently nudge me toward the “Husky” section where the loudest plaids and most deeply ridged corduroys awaited. Someone clearly thought that nobody would notice I was fat if they were blinded by an orange and yellow plaid shirt hovering ominously above brown cords.

So somewhere between the pages of Dad’s diet books, the “Husky” department at Wanamaker’s, and the Hall of Shame that was phys-ed class, my body image was forged.  In 1979, my dad had another heart attack and died. That same year, I sprouted and discovered I liked whiskey better than food. In my adult life, despite a bit of middle-aged dough around the middle, I’ve been what some would even call thin. I’ve been blessed to have loved (and been loved by) some exceptional women in my life, each of whom in her own way assured me that the lions and tigers they’ve faced in the arena of body self-image would make my demons look like the Easter Bunny.

I’m honored that Tee and Toni have asked me to write a regular column for TFGGL and hope it will be a long and mutually beneficial relationship.

Charlie O’Hay is a published poet whose work has appeared in over 100 literary magazines, including Gargoyle, The New York Quarterly, and West Branch. He was awarded a fellowship in poetry and literature from the Pennsylvania Council on the Arts in 1995. He currently works as a freelance advertising copywriter and manuscript editor. He is married to Cecily Kellogg of Uppercasewoman.com and they are parents to a dynamic and beautiful daughter.

Sugar lips, by Peony

In one way or another, 2009 was a rough year for most of us. It certainly goes on record as the year I made a stunningly impressive string of bad decisions regarding men. The worst I’ve ever made, every single time. When three of my best girlfriends independently suggested that maybe I should take a little time out from the dating pool to remember what I’m actually looking for, I knew I was overdue for a hiatus.

In that spirit, I turned the whole month of December into what I called The Great Manbreak Experiment. Two of those three friends decided to join me, and the break from guys has been good for all of us. We’ve seen bad habits and patterns that repeat themselves. And because the list of what you want in a man shifts over time, we were all sorely in need of an update.

My favorite part of this whole experiment? A guy friend served as our guru. He’s broken down the kinds of guys I go for, how they run their games, and what to watch out for. I’m pretty sure he could take this on the road and make a lot of money telling women the things they were too close to see for themselves. One particularly valuable lesson came up in conversation one night, and I want to share it with you, because the friends I’ve mentioned it to have all made the “epiphany face” when they realized they had all dated a guy who did this. Tell me if you have, too:

So you’ve met this guy, and he looks GREAT on the “datability” resume. You’re psyched because you think things should definitely work out, but then he slowly (or in some cases, not-so-slowly) turns out to be really different than you thought he was going to be. Maybe the chemistry is great, but there’s just something that’s not feeling quite right.

It’s the blow jobs. Think about it. It’s not the act itself, but it’s in the timing in which he brings it up. This is a big thing to watch out for. Guys who bring it up early on may be broadcasting that they’re selfish and not really respecting you. Reasonable people are on their best behavior the first couple of times they go out on a date. It’s important to most of us to put our best foot forward so that the person we like will like us back. If broaching the subject of blow jobs right away is his very best, most gentlemanly way to treat you on an early date, things are not going to get better with time. Just a couple of these guys can end up souring our whole dating experience.

We all expect men to feel out the possibility of sex at least a little bit. It’s human nature, and let’s face it, sexual attraction is a big part of dating. But there’s an ocean of difference between a guy feeling things out without the expectation of immediate fulfillment, and one using a respectable facade to fly under your radar and go straight for what he wants. If he’s enough of a gentleman to say he’s happy to hold off on sex until you’re comfortable and the two of you know each other better, he should be enough of one to never suggest, even through masked  questions, that you service him in the interim. The blue balls excuse was already old in high school.

Therefore, in 2010, getting head from me will require a waiting period to make sure that only the genuinely deserving are treated to it. I’m going to do a better job of respecting myself and my body, and I’m going to find men who are not only a great match for me, but who also make my pleasure their priority every bit as much as their own. That’s my dating resolution. And I wish all you sexy, single, beautiful fat girls out there a 2010 graced with handsome men who not only adore you, but who are worth of having every bit of their affection returned. Above and below the belt.

-Peony

We are thrilled to introduce our newest columnist, Charlie O’Hay, who will be writing from a guy’s point of view each month starting in January.

Charlie is a published poet whose work has appeared in over 100 literary magazines, including Gargoyle, The New York Quarterly, and West Branch. He was awarded a fellowship in poetry and literature from the Pennsylvania Council on the Arts in 1995. He currently works as a freelance advertising copywriter and manuscript editor. He is married to Cecily Kellogg of Uppercase Woman and dad to a dynamic, beautiful daughter. Charlie blogs at It Ain’t All Pizzas and Cream.

Let’s extend a warm FGG welcome to Charlie! If you’ve got any questions for him ask away in the comments.

FGG’s Toni reaches for mind-body awareness

The human body is home to both our mind and our muscles, and if you’re on the road to a healthier lifestyle, getting the two in touch with, and ultimately in sync with, one another is an important step. We all know that our mind controls our muscles in daily activities like moving our arms and legs for walking, but what many don’t know is that the conscious mind is not required for those processes. That means most of us need to focus specifically on connecting them.

One of the easiest ways to train a mind-body connection is by doing simple, daily stretches in front of a mirror. The key here is to focus on and visualize each muscle, or group of muscles, during every stretch. For each of these, focus on keeping the abdominal muscles gently contracted at all times.

:: Stand in the center of a room with adequate space around you. Keep your feet flat on the floor and raise both arms over your head, reaching high to the ceiling. Hold for eight seconds.

:: Keeping both arms up, reach to the ceiling with one arm at a time, feeling the stretch from the shoulder. Pay attention to the feeling of your muscles as they stretch from your arm down your back.

:: With feet firmly planted about shoulder width apart, keep your arms stretched to the ceiling and slowly twist at the waist, to the right and then to the left. SLOW is always the key to proper stretching, as quick movement can result in injury. Be sure your twist stops at a comfortable position, gently testing your flexibility. You should be able to feel the upper muscles in your back flex from the shoulder to your waist. Focus on how each muscle feels as you stretch. Even better: try to count the number of muscles that are moving as you stretch.

:: To add the legs, resume your original stance with your arms stretched to the ceiling, and roll slowly up on the balls of your feet as you continue to stretch each arm independently upward. You should be able to feel the hamstrings in the back of the thigh and the calf muscles in the lower leg. You should also feel the stretch in the smaller muscles of your feet. Be aware of your rib cage and abdominal area as you reach upward. Hold this stretch for about 20 seconds.

:: Very slowly bend at the waist, stretching both arms down and toward the floor. Feel your hamstrings (back of the thigh) stretch and the quadriceps (front of the thigh) slightly contract. Don’t force the arms down, but instead let them hang limply, along with your head, allowing your body weight to pull you down. Pull your abdominal muscles in toward the spine and feel the stretch in your back muscles. Hold this position for about 15 seconds. The abdomen is the center of the body and provides tremendous strength for the back. This stretch can be a great stress reliever, one that’s easy to do any time of the day.

:: Slowly roll your body back up to a standing position by contracting the abdominal muscles and feeling each vertebra in the spine move into place until you are fully upright. Once up, stretch both arms straight out to the side of your body and slowly rotate them in a small circles from the shoulder – ten times forward and ten times backward. This simple “mini-stretch” is a great start to preparing the muscles for daily activity.

Whether you’re sedentary or moderately active or an athlete, consistent basic stretching is a good way to start and end each day. Getting in tune with your muscles is critical in establishing good posture, health, and both mental and physical strength at any size – and for overweight women can become one more step to increasing strength, mobility, flexibility, protecting yourself from injury and preparing your mind and body to enjoy years of active companionship.

Lynda Lee Smith is the author of “Playing the Hand You Were Dealt…And Achieving the Body You Were Meant to Have.” Her book is available at online bookstores now.