The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Try something that looks fun but makes you nervous. We dare you.
(image by Lori Greig)

This summer, I tried something that terrified me. And I loved it.

Something about surrendering my body to a dark, narrow tube, hurtling downward through twists and turns, only to be unceremoniously ejected and swiftly deposited into the chilly water below freaked me out. Go figure. “I’ll stick to the slower slide, thankyouverymuch,” became my mantra. But my desire for comfort made me uncomfortable; what was I modeling to my kids about trying new things, what would the 18-year-old me have done, and was I missing out on something I’d probably find thrilling? Knowing my battle with desire vs. hesitancy, my husband kept nudging me to try it, then the kids joined in (“If I can do it, you can, Mom!”). I climbed the two flights of stairs to the platform, waved to my family far below, then took a deep breath and pushed off into the darkness.

Was it scary? Yep. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I spent the rest of the afternoon hurrying up the stairs to hit that slide again and again. Nobody pointed and laughed at the big mama behaving like a kid; if anything, I think my joy was infectious. Maybe some other women watching were inspired. Or maybe nobody cared at all and my worries over what others might think were unfounded. (Nobody even noticed me surreptitiously correcting my massive, post-splashdown water wedgie.)

The comfort zone for us bigger girls (remaining indoors with the AC blasting, telling ourselves we can’t do certain activities or wear certain things) can start out as a sacred space where firm boundaries are drawn. But as that zone expands, it can also become an overstuffed cushion ready to absorb our every excuse, the well-worn collection of stories we tell ourselves, like “fat girls can’t ride a horse,” stories that hold us back from really living our lives to the fullest. Think back to the last time you successfully pushed beyond your comfort zone (tango lessons? speed dating? aqua aerobics?) and came out the other side perfectly okay. Sure, there may have been missteps or embarrassing moments, but you lived to tell the tale, right? This guide to summer fun offers suggestions for getting out and trying something new, and we encourage you to come back and tell us how your new experiences went – stumbles, triumphs, wedgies, and all.

Hiking–which is essentially walking in a more rugged, natural setting–is a great activity because it can be as easy or as challenging as you decide to make it and it’s a great beginner’s adventure. Our two-part guide to hot weather hiking (Part 1 here and Part 2 here), plus our guide to hiking in challenging conditions like sand dunes or muddy areas are great starting points. I know heat and humidity, combined with the need to expose more skin, can feel like insurmountable hurdles here. Look for plus-sized workout wear, carry plenty of water, expect to sweat (it’s okay; really!) and start small at first if you’re nervous–many city parks offer plenty of green space for beginners to test their trail legs, and plenty of park and recreation districts offer guided hikes geared toward beginners.

Speaking of city parks, I’ve been taking advantage of our sizable park to ride my bike either early in the morning or after dinner, when the sunlight isn’t as unforgiving (either way, I still wear sweatproof sunscreen). Our guide to cycling, mad love for cruiser bikes and tips on finding plus-size padded bike shorts are helpful starting points if you’ve been itching to travel on two wheels but not sure where to start. If you’re worried about deflating the tires on your bike, we’ve tackled this issue, too (you won’t).

If getting on the water is on your life list, our guides to kayaking, canoeing and surfing should prove tempting. Or maybe taking a cruise is more your speed; you can be as chill and comfortable as you wish, or you can embark on new adventures on board (rock climbing walls, dance lessons) or off (rainforest zipline tours, island exploration). Of course, if you’ve read the FGG About page, you know my suggestion will be to opt for at least one adventure. Perhaps being in the water is your goal but you’ve been avoiding swimsuit shopping; you’ll want to consult our guide to figure-flattering swimwear and best places to find a plus-sized sarong to wrap around your suit, and we recently helped a reader with some ideas on attending a poolside bachelorette party in Vegas (we also have some insights into the daunting prospect of socializing in swimwear).

I know we cover a lot of active ground here at FGG, but I also understand that rest and relaxation are an integral part of enjoying the summer season. I suggest striking a balance between stepping outside of your usual routine and rewarding yourself for doing so. Perhaps a girlfriend getaway is in order (you are TOO worth it!), or it’s time to finally find a hammock that feels comfy and supportive while you swing lazily reading some great fiction featuring plus-sized protagonists. Just remember: too much comfort can be as detrimental to mind, body, and spirit as too much stress. Use the rest of these summer days to push yourself a little bit and try something you think would be fun.

We’ve packed a ton of summer fun into this guide, but we’re always eager to hear your suggestions for guides to activities you’ve been longing to try but aren’t sure where to begin – share your “life list” ideas in comments.

Charlie’s daughter strikes a pose as a “sailor boy”

If I may say so, my four-year-old daughter is a well-rounded kid. She loves trains (courtesy of my love for them), cars, tools (the toy ones), and squirt guns. (Unlike a lot of parents, we’re not anti-water gun, we just make sure she understands that there exists a world of difference between water and bullets.) While she loves foam pirate swords, the hard plastic variety hold no interest because they can actually hurt someone. Tori also adores old cars, mostly because she loves Ruby, my 1972 Ford Maverick (yes, it’s got a child safety seat aboard) and can’t wait till she’s old enough to sit up front.

When it comes to toys, games, and activities, we try to balance the passive (TV watching and online games) with the active (swimming, biking, hiking, and climbing) and imaginative (pretending, role-playing, reading, and puzzle-solving). We’ve limited the overtly commercial franchises where possible, but the “princess phase” is perhaps unavoidable in little girls, and suppressing it seems as gender-biased as forcing it. Disney’s prices have done a great job of keeping our supply of DVDs to a minimum, but even the casual observer will find that Tori likes magic wands, Hello Kitty, and Tinkerbell. Again, telling her this stuff is too passive or girly seems just as silly as strapping boxing gloves on her, so we let her enjoy it.

My only reservation about her ideas on gender roles lies in some of the “rules” she recites once in awhile. She’s fond of saying “girls like pink and boys don’t” or “boys can’t have long hair.” We’re quick in every case to point out clear examples in her life where these rules don’t apply. She knows several boys with long curly hair and others who like pink better than blue. I’m not sure if she’s getting these stereotypes from school or TV, but they don’t go unchallenged around here. In fact, at age 4, Tori’s already been to a gay pride parade so she could meet some “princesses” (i.e., full-on drag queens) first-hand, which was more a shock to them than to her.

My most deeply held dreams for my daughter have little to do with gender-based ideals or roles, however.

Be fierce. Be strong, Be compassionate. Be curious.

These are the things I want for my daughter. Other fathers likely have similar lists. Like many dads, I wonder how I’ll handle the various milestones in my daughter’s life: her first date, her first time driving solo, the day she sets out on her own. Then there’s all the body image issues that begin early and seem to challenge a woman’s self-image throughout her lifetime: How do I protect her from the shame and self-loathing so common among women in our society? Can I? Should I?

Above all, I want Tori to have a strong sense of self, a trust for her own gut instinct, and enough confidence to resist measuring herself against someone else’s yardstick. But the power of the media is strong: fashion magazines, diet plan come-ons, and “reality” programming are tough to avoid. I’ve always believed that the fashion industry is one of the biggest cons ever perpetrated upon humanity, and while many disagree, I’m not afraid to say so. My motto: dress comfortably, wear what makes you happy, and screw what others think or say. Of course, regardless of what I think, people do measure each other by fashion. But I want Tori to know a few things when she makes her fashion choices:

1. Barbie is NOT a rational beauty standard,

2. All those photos in fashion magazines and on billboards are Photoshopped,

3. Every culture views physical beauty differently,

4. Your peers are just as frightened and confused as you are, and

5. You may not always be proud of everything you’ve done, but never be ashamed of who you are.

As for internal beauty, she doesn’t need any help from me. She is a warrior princess with enough self-confidence to scare a bear. She knows she is beautiful, and I hope that she can carry that feeling with her forever.

Without a doubt, my daughter’s best guide to a future of self-acceptance and self-confidence is her mother. In her, Tori has a living example of what it means to be active and confident at any size—to be equally at home hiking a mountain, canoeing a river, or biking along a beach-side trail. She is learning that being a bigger woman does not mean being passive or unhealthy. She is learning that what matters in your life is what you do, not how others see you. Of course, I am a realist and I know there will be times of insecurity and self-doubt. Everyone experiences them. But as my dad used to say, “It’s not the cards you’re dealt, it’s how you play them.”

I hope through all of this that Tori will grow to see life in terms of choices rather than limitations, and that neither her gender nor her body size should be a barrier to her desires, whether in personal style, career, recreation, or choice of friends or partners.

Lessons learned: You don’t need to cook with edible flowers to call yourself a foodie

Fact: To be a fat girl of any shape or size, for any portion of your life, is to have some kind of a love/hate relationship with food. Sometimes the conflict is as benign as a lighthearted “Why can’t french fries have the same nutritional value as spinach?” For many of us, the relationship with food (food as friend, food as love, food as boredom deterrent, food as source of guilt, etc.) is a complicated one that we’re still seeking to unravel or make peace with. And yet. . . food is an undeniable, often enjoyable, part of our lives. We deserve the chance to embrace cooking, or fine dining, or trying new foods if that’s our passion.

Fueled by this idea, as well my own recent stint playing foodie-for-a-day (truly a marvel when you understand I don’t like foods that touch), I wanted to explore the concept of fat girl as foodie. With the shame that overweight women sometimes feel about food — or a habit of eating repetitive meals, or eating in secret — can the two coexist? Since I’m the farthest thing from an expert on the matter, I enlisted help from a source who knows her foodstuffs and the kind of tips our FGG readers want to hear — our very own Foodie Friday blogger, Michelle Laffler! Michelle patiently addressed each of my neophyte questions, and the result is a must-read for any plus-sized girl who wants to relish her meals without guilt.

What does it mean to be a “foodie”?

Might as well start with the basics, right? I don’t know about you, but when I hear the term “foodie,” it calls to mind meals/foods/ingredients that are non-mainstream, indulgent, rich, expensive, exotic, complicated, or difficult to prepare/use. It also makes me assume a self-proclaimed foodie will judge me for occasionally loving the Olive Garden. So how about it, Michelle? Where am I right, where am I wrong, and what am I missing?

ML: I don’t see the term “foodie” as being nearly so limited. Sure, there are people in the world who believe that unless you’re cooking with exotic, high-priced ingredients and preparing them in unconventional ways you’re not truly a “foodie,” but I beg to differ. I think if you take joy in food — whether by preparing it, eating it, or both — you’re at least a little bit of a foodie.  And don’t worry — most of us aren’t judging you… we’re wondering if we can grab a seat at your table! (P.S. We all have our food-related vices. You may remember that I wrote recently about my love for boneless wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, which are culinary brilliance to me but maybe not so much to someone else.)

Dealing with the stigma of overweight women and food

For some of us, the idea of openly embracing our desire to create, learn about and love food is deeply terrifying. As an example of how we sometimes internalize the stigma — and how painful and challenging the subject of food can be — one friend shared with me that she feels like “fat girls shouldn’t talk about food — because we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves in that way. We shouldn’t love food because that’s how we got fat.”

So I asked Michelle, an overweight woman who’s blogged about food for over two years, whether she’s ever felt judged because of her weight. Did she feel the urge to “apologize” for her love of food, and how has she dealt with that, both in her own mind and through actions and attitude?

ML: I think I’m more prone to judge myself and worry what other people are thinking than to actually be judged. Coming to terms with that nagging little voice in our heads is often a big step for curvy girls, and no doubt many of us have wondered what the people around the table were thinking as we ordered that piece of chocolate cake for dessert. I’d be lying if I said I never gave it a second thought, even after many years of self-discovery and lots of work toward self-acceptance.

However, I also know that I love a great salad just as much as I love a good slice of pie and that food, just like so many other things in life, is about balance and moderation, not denial. Sure, the voice is still there at times, but when I look around the table at my dear friends or family, I realize they love me just the way I am and there’s no need whatsoever for me to feel bad or apologize for a little bit of indulgence. If it happens that I feel like I’ve overdone it at some point during the day, I find that just a little bit of moderate or brisk activity (even if it’s just cleaning the house at warp speed while dancing to 80′s rock) goes a long way toward putting those feelings out of my head.

Can I be health-conscious AND be a foodie?

What are some good tips for for girls who want to be more adventurous food-wise, but also seek a balanced, healthy lifestyle? In discussing this Guide, another friend said, “I’d assume that weight loss and foodism are mutually exclusive.” Is she wrong? Can we have both if we want them?

ML: Can we have it all? You bet! Like I said, balance and moderation is what makes it all work. There are so many great-tasting, fun foods to be experienced and there’s absolutely no reason anyone should deprive themselves of that adventure. If closing your eyes and just pointing at something on the menu makes you too nervous or you’re not sure whether you’ll like something, seek out the advice of a friend with similar food tastes or from the wait staff at your favorite restaurant. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t feel as though you have to go all out, either (I’ve been working on my taste for sushi for about five years now, but I started out with a California Roll – which isn’t really acknowledged as “sushi” by sushi snobs). And if you choose to order something on the more indulgent side of things, don’t think you have sabotage your waistline and eat it all in the same sitting. Split that chicken cordon bleu with a friend or take half home with you.

What are some good resources for a foodie newbie?

We’ve already established that I’m culinarily challenged. (And now we’ve established that I just made up the word “culinarily.”) Despite my ability to get sucked into food-related reality programming like “Chopped” or “Ace of Cakes” (and let’s not even discuss how happy a “Food Network Challenge” marathon makes me), I never find myself drawn to the kind of programs that would provide entry-level, real-world skills. (That would make too much sense, right?) In that spirit, I asked Michelle for some of her go-to resources — blogs, books, television shows, magazines, people — for solid, accessible culinary advice and trends for beginners.

ML: Here’s my confession: I’m a Food Network junkie. There are so many styles and skill levels represented among the Food Network chefs that there’s almost always something inspiring to be found there (I have personal soft spots for Rachael Ray and Paula Deen). The Food Network website includes difficulty levels and user reviews — both of which I find really valuable — and the Food Network Magazine brings that same great mix to print.

A few of my favorite food blogs from my overflowing blog reader are A Southern Grace (amazing recipes with fun, honest commentary), 101 Cookbooks (you’ve never seen natural, healthy food look so good), The Perfect Pantry (I’ve built a lot of knowledge about the items in my pantry thanks to Lydia), and Smitten Kitchen (danger: do not read while hungry!).

I’m a picky eater, but I want to learn about food

For some of us, trying new things doesn’t come easy. I was nearly laughed off Facebook recently when I shared that I’d be writing a restaurant review (“Do they serve peanut butter sandwiches and plain pasta?”), but the experience helped me realize that I enjoy more foods than I’m usually willing to try. So, on behalf of the non-adventurous eaters — and the currently hopeless cooks — among us, I asked Michelle for a few ideas about taking baby steps to broaden our horizons and skills.

ML: If you’re feeling skeptical about stretching your food boundaries, baby steps really can be huge. I think whether you’re cooking or you’re eating, if you choose a food or technique that has a similar element or ingredient to something you’re already familiar with it’s easier to make that leap of faith and begin gaining some foodie confidence.

When it’s time to get into the kitchen, seek out recipes from trusted friends or family or on websites that feature user reviews so that you can see what other people are saying about the recipe and the techniques, etc. Read the recipe all the way through (twice) before you even enter the kitchen. Measure out and stage your ingredients ahead of time if you’re not adept at doing all of that while also reading the next step in the cookbook and stirring something on the stove. Most importantly, though, go easy on yourself. Don’t feel as though you’re obligated to love (or to be good at) everything. Find your strengths and develop them into one or two “signature” dishes. . . once you’re confident about those, you’ll be much more inclined to keep pushing your food boundaries!

Stocking your kitchen: the basics

If you’re looking to build your confidence in the kitchen, check out Michelle’s list of five kitchen basics (tools or ingredients) she can’t live without:

Three food basics:

1. good chicken stock — Can be used to make a gravy, give extra flavor to veggies, and to make lower-cal but still wonderfully tasty mashed potatoes.
2. unsalted butter — I much prefer baking with butter to baking with margarine.
3. boneless-skinless chicken breasts — I keep about 6-10 pounds of diced, cooked chicken breast pieces which have been portioned out into four ounce servings in the freezer – perfect for grabbing for weekday lunches or for putting into pastas, salads, or stir-fry dishes after a quick trip through the microwave.

Two kitchen tool staples:

1. a good chef’s knife — Food prep is so much easier when you’re working with a decent knife that feels good in your hand. [FGG note: Try Rachael Ray's versatile 6" Santoku knife, which has a good grip and is easy to use even for beginners.]
2. a decent-quality blender — Crushes ice for slushy summer drinks, but also handy for blending soups, pasta sauces, etc.

One final thought from FGG: Whatever your current relationship with food, and whether you’re a kitchen newbie or a plus-sized girl with the most refined palate in town, hold your head high the next time you order a meal or step into a grocery store. One of the most important steps toward leading a full, rich, unapologetic life is to be intentional and fully present in every decision — including what we choose to eat. By giving real thought and consideration to the food we eat (be it healthy or indulgent), we prove that food doesn’t define us or rule us. It’s just one (delicious) part of our daily lives.

Huge, chocolate-covered thanks to Michelle for making this guide possible! For more of Michelle’s foodie wisdom (plus gorgeous photos and a wealth of recipes you can actually complete!), follow her journey at Culinography. And don’t forget to visit FGG each Friday for a brand new recipe from Michelle!

Readers, we’d love to hear your thoughts on curvy girls and food. How have you worked to reconcile food and weight? What challenges or questions do you still have? And what’s YOUR best in-the-kitchen tip you want to shout about from the rooftops (or the blog comments)?

Not feeling like “the fat friend” all comes down to attitude

A funny thing happened when I began brainstorming for this week’s Guide. I asked several of my fat-girl friends (FGF) what stressful situations they’ve encountered while out with thinner friends. The outpouring of ideas was great! They hit me with suggestion after suggestion, while I raced to get everything down. After telling them how awesome their lists were, I turned to the flip side of the question and asked how they’ve dealt with these challenges.

And. . . *crickets*

Okay, ladies, you’ve made yourselves clear. We have lots of insecurities and challenges when it comes to socializing with our skinny friends, and not a lot of ideas for how to deal. Hopefully, some of this week’s tips will help turn that around.

Scenario #1: Dining out

This topic definitely struck a nerve with my FGF posse. It seems when dining with skinny friends, we can feel embarrassed about squeezing between tables to take a seat. We worry about ordering without our friends commenting on (or just thinking to themselves) whether we are/aren’t/should be trying to lose weight. And when our dining partner wants to sit in a too-small booth, some of us squeeze into a space where we’re uncomfortable while others feel shame or embarrassment upon insisting on a table.

It’s worth noting that many of us wouldn’t think twice about these situations if we were out to dinner with overweight friends. Think about it: When you meet up with a fat-girl friend for dinner, do you feel embarrassed about requesting a seating arrangement that makes you comfortable? I don’t. I feel completely comfortable speaking up for my needs and just requesting a table (or a chair without arms) when the host seats us. I also notice that I think about what I order and how I eat it in a completely different way when I’m with thinner vs. overweight friends. I’m more self-conscious with skinny friends; I eat slower, more deliberately, lest they think to themselves, “Well no wonder she’s fat. . .”

So maybe the answer is to approach meals with friends — big and small — the same way. From a place of confidence, strength and openness. Offer to make the reservations at a restaurant that has food choices you feel good about. Simply tell your friend you’re more comfortable at a table. Or ask if she minds scooting into the chair that has to be reached by slithering next to another pair of diners. And if someone comments on your food in any way that makes you uncomfortable (even if they’re trying to be supportive), it’s okay to be polite but firm. “I’d rather catch up than talk about food,” or “I’m just ordering what feels right today” should be enough to end the questioning clearly and directly.

And in instances where none of the above suggestions sound like winners, try my best friend’s idea: “Skip the meal entirely and plan a non-food-related activity, instead.”

Scenario #2: Movies, concerts and sporting events

Ah, stadium seating. Always a wild card when it comes to bigger bodies finding a comfortable (or even tolerable) fit. While most newer theaters have made their chairs roomier and included armrests that can be raised, the default for most arenas and stadiums is still fixed armrests on narrow seats (Anyone who has ever attended a Cubs game or an event at Detroit’s Joe Louis Arena can vouch for their examples as confined spaces). Another good example is floor seating at some concerts, which consists of those little, armless, plastic folding chairs. As one of my friends said, “What do you do when you feel awkward about bleeding into your smaller friend’s seat?”

First of all, some of these situations offer ways to be proactive. Be the one to select where you sit in a movie theater, and pick a seat on an aisle where you can raise the armrest or lean toward the aisle if you feel squished. Or swallow your pride and simply ask your friend if s/he minds that you raise the armrest between you. I can almost guarantee that this is a bigger deal in our heads than it is for those we hang out with, so don’t be shy about asking for what you need to be comfortable.

Similar suggestions apply when choosing seating for a sporting event or concert; aisle seats always allow a little extra breathing room, although they might also include a fixed armrest even if others within the aisle raise. If you luck out and end up with an extra seat next to you, ask your friend if s/he’d mind you sitting next to the empty.

Beyond these little (and sometimes obvious) fixes, there aren’t any magic solutions here. If your body’s bigger than the tiny seats, you’re likely to spill a bit into one direction or another. This is a classic case of mind over matter. Rather than being embarrassed about whether you’re in your friend’s space, remind yourself that you’re both out enjoying your favorite band/team/actor and your friend wants to be there with you. Really, what’s a little hip rubbing between friends? So much better to have the body contact there than with the creepy guy next to you with his chest painted in the team’s colors.

I’d like to throw out a key “don’t” here, too: avoid the temptation to make self-deprecating or outright negative remarks when in these situations. It’s fine to keep it light, but there’s no need to tear yourself down in order to make yourself heard. People come in many shapes and sizes – that’s just part of life – and we each have a right to be comfortable and treated with dignity and respect wherever we go, and trusted and true friends will get behind that 100%.

Scenario #3: Girls’ Night Out

Whether it’s a bachelorette party or just a night out with the girls after a long work week, the GNO can be a double-edged sword for fat girls unless it’s approached in just the right way. On the plus side: Hello? Great times with your good friends! On the down side: Potential body image doubts raising their heads when faced with cute clubbing clothes or while perching on tiny-seated bar stools.

The best defense here is to put your most fabulous foot forward. Choose an outfit that makes you feel confident, sexy or drop-dead gorgeous. Play up your favorite asset with a top that flatters your cleavage, make up some seriously sultry eyes, or bust out your hottest pair of heels. This isn’t about comparing yourself to other friends — or party-goers — of different sizes; it’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, I’m hot!”

Once you look the part, it’s easier to feel the confidence — fake it ’til you make it, right? There are other small things you can do to make the night more comfortable. Offer to cruise direct the activities and choose a restaurant or bar that has seating and a layout that doesn’t put you on edge. Ask if you can reserve a table or a large booth for your group, then make sure to claim a comfortable seat upon arrival. And if the activities involved aren’t necessarily your thing (dancing, karaoke, etc.), you can either be the supportive one who cheers the others on while holding down the fort, or you can do the FGG thing and make a conscious choice to step outside the comfort zone and try something new for just one night. Get up and dance to your favorite song (no one is watching you, anyway — they’re all too busy with their own groove!) or hop on the mic with your BFF for a duet (trust us, no one expects karaoke to sound amazing).

The key is to keep yourself in the moment. Remind yourself that this is your chance to let loose and enjoy work-free, kids-free, responsibility-free bonding time with your friends. How often does that come around? And why in the world would you want to pass that up or talk yourself out of enjoying it?

Scenario #4: The shopping trip

For some fat girls I know (myself included), shopping can be a very emotional experience. Under the best circumstances, it can be tough to keep a positive attitude as you come face-to-face (-to-face, if there are three-way mirrors involved) with your body and the areas you feel less-than-confident about. But when a thin friend suggests shopping together, a whole new set of challenges come to light. Will it be embarrassing to tell her you can’t wear anything from her favorite store? Will trying on outfits together make you focus on your body in a negative way?

First and foremost, let’s get real for a moment: Your friend knows you’re overweight, so going to a traditional-sizes store with her won’t suddenly “out” you as a fat girl. She may not have a clue about what size jeans you wear or how you envy her ability to pull off pencil skirts, but she knows you’re not supermodel-skinny. . . because she sees you. In addition to knowing that you’re hilarious/sarcastic/a terrible driver/whip-smart/loyal/great at playing the drums on Rock Band, she also knows you’re overweight. And you know what? She doesn’t care. I truly believe that coming to terms with this fact is the key to maintaining open, healthy and supportive relationships with our skinny friends. And I say that from a “do as I say, not as I do” place — because God knows I’m still working on it myself.

So when your friend wants you to help blow her paycheck at Nordstrom, take the invitation at face value — she wants to spend time with you and she trusts you to help pick clothes that make her look her best. You can approach the situation from standpoint of fabulous personal shopper (keeping the focus on her purchases, and maybe just trying on some knock-out accessories for yourself), or you can suggest hitting a few stores that sell the clothes you love, as well. I’ll admit right now that it’s been years since I’ve dragged a “skinny” friend into Lane Bryant, but I’m wondering as I write this what’s taken me so long. Some of the most supportive and “Ang positive” people in my life are those who wear a size 6 or 10. They’re among the first to remind me of my best attributes (both physical and otherwise) when I’m feeling down, and they’re huge champions of me leading a confident, happy life.

Isn’t that really the bottom line? Our friends are our friends for a reason. They love us. They want the best for us. And they don’t care if we wear a size 2 or a 22, as long as we’re happy and healthy and we’ve got their back just as strong as they have ours. One of my dearest friends from high school — someone I’ve known for almost 20 years — recently thanked me for sharing my honest feelings about her wedding in a recent FGG post about being a bridesmaid. She said that article and this site have opened her eyes to some of the experiences by (and views about) overweight women that she never knew existed. I’m wondering why it took me 20 years to open up to this wonderful woman in my life, and I challenge each of you to take the smallest, single baby step this week to do something similar in your own lives.

How have you made peace with hanging out with friends of all sizes? Tell us about your logistical tips — or Jedi mind tricks — in comments.

Even for weddings, my brothers and I don’t really do “traditional”

Chances are it’s happened to you already. Perhaps it was your sister, your best friend or your college roommate. You may have been over-the-moon excited, or you may have agreed with a pasted-on smile and a sinking stomach. Regardless of the circumstances, almost every fat girl will eventually face the question, “Will you stand up in our wedding?”

Having answered “yes” three times so far (2002, 2005 & 2008), I found myself saying “I wish I’d known back then…” several times as this Guide came together. Weddings can bring all kinds of emotions — both happy and bittersweet — to the surface, but for fat girls they also bring the potential stresses of conforming to a dress code, standing for long hours, and appearing in photos that will be kept forever. If that last sentence has you wanting to throw in the taffeta, hold onto your garters and see if our Guide gives you other ideas.

Make the best of your dress

Let’s get this out of the way: Unless you’re attending the Coolest, Most Laid-Back Bride in the History of Time, you’ll likely be asked to wear a dress that wouldn’t be your first choice, or possibly even something you’d wish on your worst enemy. For better or worse, brides sometimes begin planning their weddings with very specific mental images about how everything will look, and bridal party attire often plays a large role. Accept that fact. The sooner you do, the less painful everything else will be.

So, while you may not be determining fashions for the entire wedding party (more power to you if you are – go buy that awesome bride a drink!), some brides will be amenable to a request or suggestion if it’s approached just right. We recommend whittling your bridesmaid dress wish list (Remember: Not. Your. Wedding.) to the one item that’s your absolute deal breaker–and then avoiding the phrase “deal breaker” when you offer feedback. Maybe you know from experience that you’re too busty to pull off strapless without an NC-17 rating. Maybe skirt-and-top separates don’t provide enough coverage in back for you to move comfortably without exposing skin. Or maybe you’re just hoping and praying for a cut that doesn’t wrap your tummy or hips in a death grip. Part of signing on for bridesmaid duty is agreeing to be flexible, but your bride likely wants her ‘maids not to hate her — or at least to look good in photos.

Although the rule of thumb is to begin with a style that flatters the largest bridal party member(s), if your bride’s not a fat girl herself, she may not be hip to this idea… yet. Try to be as honest as possible with her while respecting her role as decision maker. (This part is especially important if she’s leaning toward a dress that doesn’t come in your size.) Offer to shop or pore over endless bridal mags with her (either in person or online). Show her some fabulous options that are fat-girl friendly and non-frumpy (see below). Share photos from a gorgeous wedding you attended where each bridesmaid selected her own dress in a color of the bride’s choosing.

If, despite your best efforts, the mandate is a dress you just can’t live with, the decision becomes yours. You can grin and bear it (and never, ever look at the photos) or politely decline. Both choices have their repercussions; follow your gut to decide which one is right for you in the long run.

Beyond the butt bow

Let’s assume that you’ve snagged some level of control over your fashion fate — where do you turn now? Fortunately, the world of plus-sized fashion continues to expand by the season, giving prospective bridal parties more flattering options than ever before. Superstores like David’s Bridal offer many dress styles (including separates, which allow you to mix different sizes for top and bottom) in sizes to 26, with some options extending to size 30. Sizes at online retailer Sydney’s Closet range from 0-44, though you’ll pay extra for sizes above 26. Other suggestions include inweddingdress.com (creative styles in sizes 2-26W), PS Bridal (discount online retailer specializing in plus-sized dresses and guaranteed fits, sizes 0-32+), designer Alfred Angelo (carries sizes 0-30W) and TheRoseDress.com (sizes ranging from 0-28 or small-6X, depending on designer). When my brother got married in 2008, my sister-in-law gave us free reign on dress selection. I thanked her profusely, then fell in love with a tea-length green number from IGIGI (see photo), although their bridal party pickings are currently a little slim.

When it comes to fabrics and cuts, remember that stiffer fabrics (satin, taffeta, velvet) don’t drape as nicely as more fluid options (crepe, chiffon, silk) and may add the illusion of more weight to your hips, waistline, etc. Ruffles and excessive pleating will do the same thing. A-line cuts generally flatter most figures and are more forgiving of larger hips and thighs, while interesting necklines or details draw the eye upward and away from your lower half. If you’re busty, be sure the top and straps offer enough support to keep you from spilling out.

Alter before altar

As we learned previously here at FGG, tailors can do wonders for your finished silhouette with a few nips and tucks. Consider enlisting a professional to help you look your best in bridesmaid couture — whether it’s a simple hem job for short girls or something more elaborate like contouring the waist, moving the straps or taking in the bust. The second time I was a bridesmaid (2005), the bride and all three of her attendants were plus-sized. Sizing for the burgundy dress she selected stopped at 24 back then, so we three ‘maids took our gowns to a local seamstress to have them sized more appropriately. In addition to hiking up the skirt a solid five inches for the shortest bridesmaid (yours truly), for two of us that meant adding a panel of fabric to the skirt, which we had wisely included with our purchase. It’s always better to purchase extra fabric at the same time you buy the dress; the odds are better that the color and sheen will more closely match your existing palette. Fair warning: The additional fabric and alterations tacked about $100 onto the price of the dress (thankfully, ours were purchased on sale).

A strong foundation

All the gown-selection care in the world won’t matter if you don’t dress the part underneath. For big girls like us, that may well mean taking one for the team and making peace with your Spanx. In addition to smoothing the line of your hips, tummy and thighs (which will help the fabric drape more smoothly and improve your silhouette for photos), the control provided by shapewear can give you a bit more confidence as you move down the aisle or shake it on the dance floor. I’ve fought a lifelong battle with shapewear but have had genuinely good results with the Spanx Super Power Panties. The top portion comes high enough to enclose my tummy without rolling down, and the legs don’t pinch, chafe or leave impressions, which is a huge relief. They’re pricey ($32) but they smooth the lumps that show on my hips otherwise.

Equally important is a good bra, especially if your dress is strapless or sleeveless. Both Lane Bryant and The Avenue offer convertible bras that can accommodate numerous strap configurations. If you plan to have your dress fitted, be sure to take and wear your convertible bra for the fitting so the tailor can adjust accordingly.

Accessorize your assets

If you get to select your own shoes for the big day, choose a pair that work with your dress but also won’t lead you to cursing under your breath two minutes into the ceremony. Chunkier heels provide more support and stability but don’t always look as cute with formal dresses. Heels make your legs look great, of course, but they also increase the weight-bearing pressure on the balls of your feet and the toes (good time as any to try gel inserts?). Even if you’ve hand-picked your shoes (and especially if you haven’t and are wearing bride-issued heels, sandals, etc.) consider packing a pair of ballet flats to change into for the dancing portion of the reception.

Some brides choose wedding jewelry as the “thank you” gift for their attendants; this is another area where it pays to be respectful but open with your bride; standard necklaces or bracelets may not fit a plus-sized girl’s neck, wrist, etc. My sister-in-law gave us knockoff pashmina shawls in 2008, which I loved. Even if your bridesmaid dress doesn’t include a wrap or shrug, arm-conscious girls can always bring one of their own to don after pictures (or before, with bride’s blessing).

Finally, if you’ve got the cash for it, say “yes” to any pre-wedding mani/pedi or massage pampering. It’s a great way to bond with the other members of the wedding party and the bride (especially if you live far apart), and it will help make you feel pretty, primped and sexy for the day of the wedding. Hair and makeup can be another glamorous treat (sometimes the bride pays, sometimes you do), but be sure you’re using a stylist that your group trusts. I’ll never be able to create the amazing makeup job done by the stylist from my Bridesmaid ’05 stint, but I’ve also seen friends horrified and bawling after a pro makeup job produced drag queen results.

Through it all, a little perspective

Years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of one of my best high school friends. Things were chaotic from the start: She lived in Denver, I lived in Chicago, and the wedding was in Detroit. Truthfully, I had no business holding the MOH title, since her sister did most (okay, all) of the work. I was young, broke, recently un-engaged, and a train wreck of epic proportions. On the morning of the wedding, we all had our hair done at a local salon, and I foolishly turned myself (and my ultra-long, willful hair) over to the care of the stylist without much direction. She suggested an updo that involved knots of some sort; I deferred to her and zoned out. Ninety minutes later, I was sobbing on my mother’s shoulder because my lifeless hair was skinned back from my head, emphasizing all the wrong things about my heaviest-weight-ever features.

Looking back on it now, I wish I could relive that day. Not because I’d do my own hair (though I have ever since) or because I’d ditch the ridiculous white nylons I wore under the dress (yeah, I don’t know), but because my attitude was all wrong. Being asked to stand with someone as they take their vows is an honor and a privilege. True, it often costs us an arm, a leg and a few shreds of our dignity, but it means we’re loved and cherished enough to be in the innermost circle. We’re flattering ourselves if we think all of those eyes are on us during the wedding instead of on the bride and groom. And as a bridesmaid, you only have to “ooh” and “aah” over the photos once or twice, not mount them on your wall.

So I had knots on my head for one day out of my life…who cares? When I look at the one photo I hung from that day, I don’t see the stupid knots or the remains of my tear stains — I see how much Rebekah cared about me and wanted me to be by her side. I’m reminded about how much she still means to me. And I see a friendship worth wearing Spanx for. Hopefully, each of us is lucky enough to have at least one of those friendships in our lifetime.

What are your best bridal party tips and tricks, or your “oh, hell — never again!” bridesmaid stories? Share all the juicy details in comments.

My dating history probably looks like many of yours: some good, some bad, with a few twists, turns, and surprise endings. We’re all full of hope and idealism at the beginning — sometimes enough to smother the little voice whispering that this is a Very Bad Idea – while at the end, we usually vow to never make that mistake again. This is why, despite my long string of failed relationships, I don’t regret a single one.

The good guys and the good traits remind us of what we truly want, be it qualities in personality, looks, or relationship dynamics. This is incredibly important for a couple of reasons. First, it helps sustain our hope that our dreams will become a reality, even when things are bad. Second, it helps to keep us from becoming too cynical or bitter about the prospect of love. We all need a reminder that there are lovely, charming people out there who dig us.

When it comes to the failures, let me make one thing clear: a relationship isn’t a failure just because it doesn’t lead to marriage. The failures that make great war stories later on, the ones that become classic examples of what not to do – these grizzly tales have ultimately helped me find increasingly better relationships. My dating scenarios usually started out in one of two ways: I deliberately ignored my intuition, accumulated wisdom, and the array of red flags warning me to stay away, or after ending something with a bad guy or a bad relationship, I’d run toward guys with opposite qualities. If Mr. Wrong was an anti-intellectual who refused to read, the next guy I’d date was going to be a professor. If he was too controlling and selfish, the next guy would need to fall all over himself to make me happy. I knew all of these are pairings wouldn’t work from the start, but I’m stubborn that way.

Over the course of my twenties, I’m finding that the pendulum swings are less and less extreme. I’m finally able to identify people and potential relationships that strike a happy medium. By taking chances on guys who strongly exhibited certain qualities, I got an intensive course in whether or not I actually liked and wanted that quality in a partner, how much I’m willing to put up with, and which traits are necessary and which are optional. I was never inundated with such information when I dated men who were utterly safe, without even the merest hint of danger or fear of getting hurt.

A sneaky fact about those seductive qualities that attract us, even though we know it might be a bad idea? They’re often a hair’s breadth removed from the quality we really want in a person. Say you want someone who will be a good provider with a stable job. You might think an up-and-coming junior executive is the perfect guy–until you date him and discover you can’t have a relationship with someone who works 90+ hours a week. I did that, but now I’m dating someone who makes less money, but is really responsible with it and has a great work ethic. Rich and powerful is nice, but I’ll take stability and having a highly involved relationship over that any day.

If you haven’t done it in a while, I encourage you to look back on past disasters and make a list of “must haves” and deal-breakers in a potential partner. You might be surprised how experience and time has shifted your priorities and the qualities you’re looking for. Even though the relationships weren’t all good, having the wisdom of your own life refined and set down on paper in front of you is a very good thing indeed. By being willing to take a few calculated risks to move your ship out of the safe harbor of “good enough,” you might find yourself winning the dating game.

Tell me about your dating mistakes – what have they taught you, what qualities did you discover mattered to you as a result?

Closet reorganization by LizMarie

After a ridiculously long winter (even our southern readers had a rough one this year), the official arrival of spring this weekend offers a wealth of exciting possibilities. More daylight hours to lift our spirits. Green, lush life ready to burst forth from trees, lawns and flowerbeds. The return of sandals and a great excuse for frequent pedicures (check out our Guide to Spa Services for tips on getting a perfect pedi). And let’s not forget the annual emergence of cute boys who ride the bike path with their shirts off.

When the weather takes a turn for the awesome, one activity tends to get trampled amid the usual (and understandable) bum rush to get outdoors: the joy of spring cleaning your closet. Now, if you’re anything like me, you may be thinking that using the words “joy” and “cleaning” in the same sentence is crazy talk. And sure, it may seem like a painful and thankless task on the surface, but think about it — how often do you get a chance to redefine yourself by tossing some things that are holding you back and to set the tone for a new season, all in one afternoon? Besides, spring is a fickle time of year, and that first string of rainy days is perfect for some spring cleaning time.

Run a Google search for “closet organization” or “spring cleaning” and you’ll get a good handle on all the wardrobe-rotating basics: make “keep,” “trash,” “mend” and “donate” piles, neatly stow your winter clothes in airtight plastic containers, etc. However, we thought plus-sized girls and their closets might appreciate some tweaks to the standard approach, so grab your sorting bins and some courage and get ready to dive into the abyss.

Stop saying “Someday . . . ”

Dig through almost anyone’s closet and you’re bound to find some ill-fitting or out-of-date clothes. For most fat girls, however, the amount of unwearable items tends to be much higher. I call this the “Someday Syndrome”–how many of us have bought dresses or pants in a too-small size as incentive to lose weight, or held on to favorite clothes that once fit but are now too tight? These garments languish in our closets, staring us down every day as we repeat a “Someday” mantra: “Someday, this cocktail dress will fit.” “I’ll be a size X again someday.” “Someday, when I lose these 50 pounds and get back to my college/wedding/pre-baby weight . . .” “Someday, I’ll be able to zip my ‘skinny’ jeans.” While these intentions may be good, the reality of Someday Syndrome keeps us from feeling great about who we are today, and starts us on the road to a guest spot on “Hoarders.”

This spring, we’re issuing a dramatic challenge: get rid of your “someday” clothes. Do what the experts say and pull out every piece of clothing from your closet. Try on each article in front of a full-length mirror, and force yourself to make an honest assessment: is this a size/color/style/cut that looks flattering on you today? Would you wear this out of the house — as-is or with minimal tailoring — and feel comfortable and confident? Can you sit, walk, bend, reach and move around in the garment(s) comfortably and without need for constant adjustment or fidgeting? If the answer to any of the above is “no,” it’s time for that piece to go.

The flip side of “Someday Syndrome” is the emotional challenge of parting with clothes that are now too big, thanks to successful weight loss. I’ve watched many friends contemplate this situation after shedding 20, 40, 100 pounds. Even if the items haven’t been worn in months or years, there’s often such a reluctance to part with them for good; they’re a security blanket of sorts in case of a backslide that causes the weight to return. But whether you’ve packed the “fat” clothes away or are still drowning in sweaters two sizes too big, spring cleaning is the perfect time to pare down to the clothes that fit you today.

Letting go is a good thing

Very possibly, the rationalizations are kicking in already: Those suits were expensive. You’ve been losing weight and you really are almost ready to zip those jeans. You don’t want to have to reinvest in size 18 dress pants when you lose 20 pounds. What if you really don’t keep the weight off?

It’s true the average plus-sized garments cost more than those made in smaller sizes, and we’ve all spent far too much money on different sizes as weight has fluctuated up and down. (No one ever said fat was all fun — or fair.) But before slamming the closet doors shut and leaving the accumulated sizes to be sorted out in the future, try taking an honest look at the items that are so hard to part with. If you bought jeans today, would you really buy that style? Is a trendy dress from 2001 really going to be something that sees future use? How does encountering these reminders of an earlier version of your body make you feel? How much happier would you be to open a closet every morning without the guilt (and the clutter!) offered by every garment that doesn’t fit you right now?

The truth is, if your closet is ruled by any combination of sentiment, habit (I’m the worst offender when it comes to buying six colors of the same shirt) or fear, it has ceased to be functional. Go ahead and keep the truly important sentimental pieces, like your one pair of “goal jeans,” or the largest pants that show you just how far you’ve come. Keep the next size that you’re shrinking into if you’ve been on a successful weight loss track. Pack these items up and out of daily sight, and then let go of the rest of the baggage.

Re-sell, recycle, re-gift

Don’t fall prey to the lure of keeping ill-fitting items just because they’re expensive or have never been worn. Stylish, designer and professional clothing (and accessories) are perfect for sale on consignment, which involves taking your gear to a consignment retailer to be re-sold through their store. The shop pays you a percentage of the selling price, usually your choice of store credit or cash (with store credit likely providing a higher “profit” percentage). Individual stores handle merchandise intake differently; some accept seasonal clothing all year, while others have prescribed intake months for certain items. Consignment is a good option for recouping some of the monetary value of quality items.

Clothing swaps are another way to recycle your old threads while possibly picking up something new in a better size or more flattering style. Swaps can be as informal pooling resources with a few friends after spring cleaning or as elaborate as a local or online event. One of the coolest swaps I’ve attended took place several years ago when I was active on a specific Weight Watchers message board. In preparation for a weekend meet-up in Chicago, dozens of us cleaned out our closets and brought the clothes we had outgrown through weight loss. The pile of garments was staggering; it was as though each girl had suddenly found 40 sisters with closets to raid, and the array of sizes and styles offered something for almost everyone. In addition to easing the financial burden of replacing clothing that had grown too big, it was inspiring to see a favorite dress or shirt suddenly given a second life with a new owner.

Items that don’t make the cut for resale or swapping can find a home with local nonprofit organizations, which are always looking for clean clothes in good condition (without rips or stains, etc.). Try calling or checking the web sites for organizations that serve veterans, the homeless, victims of domestic violence, or individuals re-entering the workforce after rehabilitation or incarceration. You can also check with your church or larger groups such as Purple Heart or The Salvation Army. It surprises many people to learn that organizations often place plus-sized donations at the top of their wish lists. Your good deed is especially important because it gives recipients a simple dignity we often take for granted: wearing nice clothing that fits well.

Start spring organized and energized

With the clutter cleared, sentiment packed away and only your best looks remaining, now comes the really fun part: re-stocking your closet in whatever way best fits your lifestyle. Hopefully the fashion show of trying on each outfit helped identify what staples you might be lacking or where you might be in a rut. To freshen up your wardrobe, consider integrating a new color or trying a style you fell in love with in a magazine or on a friend. Most importantly, make sure the items you return to the shelves and hangers bring out your confidence and make you proud of the gorgeous, dynamic girl you are.

Have an inspiring clean-sweep story to share? Want to offer your favorite tips for getting organized? Tell us in comments.