The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

My self-portrait project was both scary and liberating

Can you tell we love to see your self portraits? We’re always elbowing you to get in on the FGG Girls Flickr group, and now we’re willing to materially reward you for it. That’s because we know how powerful a self-portrait series can be…especially when grappling with body image.

So I’ll get right down to it. This week’s mid-week mini challenge is:

Join a Flickr self-portrait project group like 52 Weeks or 365 Days, upload your first self-portrait, then commit to at least one self-portrait each week for a year.

When you’ve joined the group and added your photo (which should be taken just for this project), come back here and link to that photo in comments. You’ll be entered to win the mini-challenge mystery prize, and we’ll choose a winner at random on December 31. As for the rest of next year, well…you’ll just have to be on the honor system to stick with it.

Deadline: 11:59 pm (PST) December 30, 2009. Edit: We’ve extended the challenge till the end of the first day of 2010 (11:59 pm PST on January 1, 2009)! Post links to your first 365 Days or 52 Weeks images in the comments either in this post or here.

Dara Chadwick’s book, “You’d Be So Pretty If…”

This week’s guest post comes from Dara Chadwick, a journalist who writes about health, wellness and psychology. We asked her to write about her journey to self acceptance after landing a sweet gig with a national women’s fitness magazine.

When it comes to family television viewing, there aren’t always a whole lot of great choices, but one show my family’s been enjoying together is ABC’s “The Middle,” a half-hour sitcom that features a “middle-aged, middle-class” mom in middle America. My kids think it’s a riot and I’ve found myself giggling at the over-the-top adventures of the show’s characters — especially the mom, who’s just trying to hold her head above water on most days.

I’ve had lots of days like that. And they really used to bother me. But happiness, I’ve discovered, is in those “middle” places.

See, I’m a former member of the “I have to be perfect” club: brilliant career, model children, blissfully happy marriage and spotless house. Oh, and a fabulous body, too.

Are you done laughing yet?

I can tell you that I have achieved all that “perfection” exactly zero times in my life. But that didn’t stop me from trying — or from beating myself up about it. The focus of most of my efforts was usually my body; after all, eating and exercise were totally under my control, right?

There was a time in my life when my quest to improve myself was serious business. I’d restrict calories, I’d exercise for hours and otherwise find ways to punish myself for not being “perfect.” My body may have been smaller, but I was never quite satisfied with where I was. In my mind, there was always room for improvement.

Secretly, though, I longed for a day when I wouldn’t have to care anymore.

While meeting the demands of two young kids, a husband, a job and a house, that day arrived. I didn’t care anymore. With no time to exercise, no energy to make a healthy meal for myself amid diapers and baby food and bottles, and no shortage of guilt at the idea of putting myself first, I let go of my chase of perfection.

And I do mean I let go. But that didn’t make me happy, either.

It wasn’t the extra flesh I was carrying or the bigger jeans I was wearing. It was knowing that I just wasn’t taking care of myself. Not exercising and not caring at all about what I ate didn’t deliver the freedom I once thought it would.

My life was out of balance. I’d gone from one extreme to the other.

In 2007, I signed on to write the Weight-Loss Diary column for Shape magazine. I worked with a life coach, a trainer and a dietitian to meet my goal of getting myself back to the weight I was on my wedding day. Each month, I was photographed and had to write about my “successes and failures.”

By the end of the year, I made my goal weight. But a funny thing happened along the way.

I’d started out with near obsession: I never, ever thought I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight. But as my kids — who were then 11 and nine — watched me hit the gym for a couple of hours each day, drink protein shakes and carefully monitor every calorie I consumed, I realized that I’d see-sawed back to the other extreme. And that wasn’t good.

That wasn’t the mom I wanted to be.

But here’s what was good: By the project’s end, I’d reconnected with my body. I remembered how good regular exercise made me feel. I realized how much better I felt when I ate healthy foods. I had a great dietitian who taught me all about moderation and helped me learn to bring balance to my food choices — knowledge I still use every day, two years later.

When my year with Shape was over, I made a conscious decision: No more extremes. These days, I eat what I feel like eating, when I feel like eating it. I don’t belong to a gym anymore; instead, I mix up my routine with walking, running, dance classes, yoga, biking — whatever I feel like doing. But I do something. It’s not about getting smaller, or changing a single thing: It’s about me, living my life in the healthiest body I can have — and showing my kids that you don’t have to be “perfect” to be happy.

After all this time, I feel like I’ve finally found my “middle” place — that balance between healthy self-care and accepting the body I have. I’m not striving for elusive perfection, but I’m not neglecting my body’s health either. Landing squarely in the middle, I’ve reached that body image milestone I’ve longed for my whole life: Contentment.

Dara writes about raising body-confident kids and making peace with our own body image demons at You’d Be So Pretty If (one of our “We Read” picks), and you can purchase her book here.

Maternity, by {*Sue*}

Bumps. Bellies. Miracles. Bundles of joy. Being pregnant is an open invitation for all of the sweet and adorable baby and belly-related lexicon a girl can handle. Unfortunately it can also bring on panic and negative self-talk when we’re already battling body image. Cute belly descriptives suddenly become caustic as we secretly (or not-so-secretly) replace them with phrases like beached whale. Fear of gaining more weight or getting more stretch marks or needing even bigger clothes ends up ruining what should be a fun, memorable, joyful time in our lives.

I struggled with my own pregnancy-related demons. At my first-ever prenatal visit 18 years ago, I weighed in at a whopping 126. Four months later when I had gained less than 10 lbs my OBGYN blasted me for caring more about my figure than I did about my baby. Because I was young and naive and ashamed from the scolding, I went home and campaigned to gain as much as I could by the time my son was born. When I left the hospital with him five months later, I was 55 lbs heavier. Lather, rinse, repeat with my second child, and, well…you do the math.

So in honor of my son turning 18 this year (hooray!) and since I’ve only lost a measly 25 of those 100 lbs since then (booo) I’ve pulled together a guide on pregnancy for overweight women, with the help of some generous experts in the field, in hopes of helping us all move beyond the fat fears by understanding what we’re really getting ourselves into, and to focus on enjoying the new life we’re giving… and getting.

Understand what is and isn’t healthy weight gain

Like many women, I assumed after that first prenatal visit that “eating for two” was a literal aspiration. I thought that the more weight I gained, the better it was for the baby. Had I known back then that a healthy pregnancy weight gain should really just be the sum of the extra tissue necessary to grow and accommodate a baby, I might not have panicked and piled it on.

“It is important for women to know that if they start their pregnancy over their natural weight, then they only need to gain 15 pounds to have a healthy pregnancy,” says Jessica Setnick, a behavioral nutritionist and recognized authority on eating disorders. “In fact in the first trimester, they may lose weight, and that is not necessarily compromising their baby.”

Setnick also says that it’s important to know specifically where the weight gain comes from: the baby, the placenta, the extra blood flow and other necessary tissue, so that they don’t panic that the weight is all fat. Women who panic about gaining wait often revert to comforting behaviors. “If one of those is eating,” she says, “the fear of gaining too much weight becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

On the flip side, Setnick says pregnancy is not the time to diet. Children who suffered nutritional deficiencies in the womb can have a higher chance of becoming overweight, and the stress on your body associated with dieting can be harmful both physically and psychologically.

Seek out the right allies, especially in the medical community

Others comments may be well-intended or said in jest, but the fact is: we internalize them. Part of us listens and wonders if someone might be right when they say things like, “you’re pregnant, you’re supposed to eat all the time!” or “wow, you’re huge!”

Try to steer clear of people who feel the need to dispense advice or comment on every change in your body. You’re never going to feel good if you’re constantly wondering what you’re doing wrong, so leave it to your physician and dietitian to steer you in the right direction. But even health care professionals can have biases again people who are overweight, and if you feel yours does and won’t stop focusing on it – don’t be afraid to go elsewhere. Your experience should be positive, based in reality, and mutually respectful.

A tip from Setnick: If you obsess about numbers, tell your doctor’s office that you don’t want to know your weight each visit. They can include it on your chart, weigh you with your back to the display, and skip mentioning it unless it’s a valid concern.

Know what the risks are

Keeping an eye on health is important for any woman during pregnancy, but for those of us who are substantially overweight, risk factors go up and we need to be aware of them. The two major risks we want to draw attention to here are preeclampsia and gestational diabetes, but if you’re overweight and pregnant, talk to your doctor about other potential complications to watch for.

Preeclampsia, or toxemia, is a serious condition that can occur during pregnancy, usually after the first trimester, resulting in hypertension, fluid retention, and the presence of protein in urine, also known as albuminuria. Preeclampsia can be life-threatening for both mother and child, and obese women are at higher risk of developing it. Symptoms include frequent headaches, swelling of the hands and face, and sudden and unusual weight gain (even for pregnancy). If you’re pregnant or plan to try to become pregnant, take a look at Google Health’s run-down of preeclampsia to familiarize yourself with it.

“Statistics show that women who gain 22 pounds or more after age 18 have five times the risk for preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy, while women with a BMI over 29 have three times the risk,” says Laney Poye of the Preeclampsia Foundation. “Women are also having babies later, and with more fertility interventions, which also increase the risk of preeclampsia.”

Poye says women with a BMI of over 25 may want to see an a maternal-fetal medicine physician specializing in high-risk pregnancies.

Gestational diabetes, while rarely life-threatening, can nonetheless pose a threat to both mother and baby. If unchecked, it can result in frequent bladder infections, vomiting and other symptoms in the mother, and jaundice, low blood sugar and even birth trauma in the baby. See Google Health’s section on gestational diabetes for more.

Unsurprising: risks for both preeclampsia and gestational diabetes can be reduced with a healthy diet and exercise, and experts suggest preparing for a healthy pregnancy by getting a head start on those things before becoming pregnant.

New reasons for getting that exercise in

Sometimes it takes just a little bit of an extra reason for us to get up and out there when we’re not feeling like exercising. If you’re pregnant, or planning to be in the near future, let your baby be that reason. Not only will you reduce your risk of serious conditions like those above, feel better, improve your mood and possibly even come out of pregnancy lighter than you were before — studies show that women who exercise during pregnancy, even if just a 20-minute walk each day, overall enjoy smoother, faster, easier births than those who don’t.

Besides, if you’ve been hiding behind frumpy, loose clothing for years because you were ashamed of your belly (who, me?) – now’s your chance to show it off with cute, plus-size maternity clothes like these, and these, and these! Who doesn’t love a pregnant belly?

Focusing on overall health, not size, is healthier for both you and your baby

The Health at Every Size movement (HAES) has been growing, and its philosophies apply across the board to everyone, men and women, pregnant or not, all ages. What it means, in essence, is that the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves is to focus on a holistic definition of health no matter what size or weight we are. Yes, being overweight comes with higher health risks. But studies increasingly find that women who are mildly to moderately overweight but maintain a healthy diet and keep up a steady physical regiment are often systemically healthier than many of their thin counterparts.

That’s not a license to stop caring about it – just the opposite. It means practicing healthy habits like eating whole foods, limiting empty calories, getting out and being active and social and happy and not focusing on the numbers on a scale or the size of your jeans. (Hey, that sounds familiar…)

In pregnancy, it means letting go of the diet cycle and the shame and the worries about acceptance and body image and just being the healthiest version of yourself you can be for you and your baby – and putting everything else aside. It means enjoying your pregnancy and your growing belly without being self-conscious, or beating yourself up over weight gain. And it means bringing your baby into a world, and a home, where health, beauty and self-worth are much broader concepts than anything a scale can measure.

Finally, a post-birth weight tip

Despite old wives tales and fear-mongering among crusty relatives, most women will lose a good percentage of the weight they gained during pregnancy. If you don’t, Setnick says it’s worth seeing an endocrinologist to find out if high hormone levels may be to blame.

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One our favorite things about FGG is our community of smart women willing to share their knowledge and experiences. So let’s hear it, ladies: what have I missed? What suggestions would you provide for a happy, healthy pregnancy at any size?

The gorgeous Dyanna on Flickr

Last week we poked around in the married sex lives of FGG’s editors to offer advice on keeping the fire lit down below after you’ve been married for awhile, post-childbearing belly and all. And while lots of advice on married and single sex can certainly be interchangeable, both have unique challenges – we knew a separate feature on sex and the single fat girl was in order.

Unlike married women (who ostensibly already have them), single women have the added challenge of finding men who are attracted to curvier, more ample bodies – or who are at least curious and open to trying something new. You’d be surprised how many of those guys are out there. Unfortunately, they don’t come with signage. Or instructions.

That’s okay, we’ve got you covered. So to speak.

Give your brain a makeover

Whether you’re single by choice or looking high and low for The One, whether you’re free and casual about sex or more reserved, it all starts with you. Sexiness is born in the brain and propagates throughout the body until you’re practically vibrating with it. It doesn’t come from anywhere else – not your perfume, your clothes, your friends or the guy you’re talking to. The sexiest clothes can look awkward on a woman who is ashamed of herself or trying too hard, and a woman who loves her body and respects herself can turn heads in an old t-shirt and jeans.

Even if you have to fake it until you truly believe it (even thin women often do), self-confidence is a turn-on no matter what size you are. If you’re in the habit of negative self-talk, you’re not only unlikely to score a guy worth having, you’re probably not going to enjoy it very much even if you do.

Don’t focus on the fat

Whatever you’re focused on, a guy just getting to know you in the bar or in the bedroom will be focused on the same thing. If you’re constantly adjusting your clothes or lingerie to hide this bulge or that dimple, he’ll be distracted and you’ll seem distant and uncomfortable. Go with choices that accentuate your assets, but that you’re familiar with so you know what they cover when you’re sitting/standing/walking, so you can forget about babysitting your wardrobe and focus on more important things. If you’re worried about him seeing your belly in bed (or just want to tease a little with a peek of your rear-end – guys love this) a t-shirt or baby doll with nothing underneath is a great option, and a sexy balance between modest and daring.

Whatever you do, don’t bring the fat into the conversation. Even guys who like larger women are turned off by those who keep apologizing for their weight or disparaging themselves.

If that doesn’t convince you, remember this: it’s hard to relax when you’re obsessing. It’s hard to orgasm when you’re not relaxed. Enough said.

Let the real you out to play

When you’re uncomfortable with yourself, temptation is high to pretend you’re anyone else but you. Maybe it’s as subtle as a different laugh or tone, or as obvious as listening in horror as things come out of your mouth that you would never say. Even nervous or exaggerated body language can betray who we really are.

Slipping into a modified identity might feel less vulnerable in the short term, but that’s a tough act to keep up. Sex is so much more satisfying when you can let go and know it’s 100% you that’s turning him on. Besides, how will he ever know you share his geeky fascination with backyard weather stations or his love of albino bulldogs if you’re busy channeling Anna Nicole?

Prime your body

Did you know that Kegel exercises not only strengthen and tone your vaginal muscles, but also help to condition your abdominal muscles as well? Talk about a two-fer!

If you’ve been diligent about Kegels, you already know the sexual benefits they bestow. You feel more sensitive, he feels more snug and stimulated, and chances are the intensity of your orgasms will be kicked up a few notches. Any guy will tell you that they can’t get enough of a woman that’s clearly getting a lot out of their sexual experience together.

Also: stretch. Especially if you’ve got a particularly large belly or thighs, you may have to make some modifications to favorite positions. Being limber can mean the difference between fun, playful, satisfying sex and feeling awkward or defeated.

Make use of props

In darkness or very dim light, curb shy feelings by surrounding yourself and your lover with lots of luxurious pillows. It helps a soft, curvy (or let’s face it, often lumpy) body blend in instead of feeling like it sticks out like a sore thumb. Though remember: he still probably doesn’t think so.

If you’re braving the bright light but feel a little too exposed, tangle yourself up in a decadent sheet, leaving the good bits exposed for playing.

Get creative with positions

The positions that will be most satisfying for you and your partner will vary depending on each of your body shapes and preferences, but with a few modifications, large women can make any position hot. Below are the ones we hear the collective, fat-girl rrowr from most often.

Doggie-style: Women say this helps them feel less vulnerable, men say it lets them get in deep. Win/win.

You on top: Make this easier by having him sit in an armless chair, or, better yet, laying on a weight bench. Afraid of your belly bouncing around? Wear a tight t-shirt, or straddle him in a short skirt with nothing underneath. That’s both a tease and a girdle. Another win/win.

If you go missionary: Put a pillow under your butt. It helps him have easy access, and it funnels belly fat away from your pelvic area where all the action is happening, making you feel less self-conscious.

Stand up and bend over something: The bed, the back of the couch, the counter. You can press your belly against the surface and make it disappear, and the rest of you is less prone to the spreading effects of gravity that can happen in bed.

Need more? Check out what some FGG Twitter followers had to say on the subject:

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Don’t be afraid to try something new. Sex is frequently funny and bodies are weird, so it’s not a big deal if the position doesn’t work. It’s about feeling good, which doesn’t always mean that you look your very best. So what? I don’t like the way I look when I’m on top, but it feels AMAZING and guys are fond of the fact that your boobs are in their face, their hands are free, and they get to watch your face. You won’t break him. I swear. Even if he’s shorter than you or half your weight (I’ve done both).

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As counter-productive as it might sound, I have a huge appreciation for the female form and I found that when I point out women I think are sexy while we’re out or even in pictures on chat or email, it’s a huge turn-on for him (and if he’s a new date, he’s caught completely off guard). And that turn-on instantly translates into his pursuit of me, and lots of exciting sex.

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If you have any inclination toward the alternative lifestyles and are shy about checking it out because you don’t look like a porn star, you’re doing yourself a disservice. These are some of the most accepting, positive groups of people you can find. Their ideas and choices fall outside of the mainstream, and their definitions of what makes a person desirable encompass more than how you look in a bikini. Seeing women of all ages and sizes in various stages of undress being happy in their bodies while in public was a very liberating thing.

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If I’m afraid I’ll be too nervous or shy to orgasm during sex, I like to get myself off while he lays next to me. By the time I’m done, he can barely stand to wait a second more and we have some intense, wild episodes (albeit short sometimes), and I don’t have to worry about whether I’ll get there if I’m too focused on my body and what he thinks.

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The biggest enemy is your anxiety. Potential lovers are far less judgmental than we think. I have yet to meet one who wasn’t into confident, clever, sensual women who are enthusiastic and responsive when it’s naked time.

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What did we miss? Share your thoughts about shameless sex for the single fat girl in comments!

Above: FGG editor Tee and her husband still enjoy a playful sex life after eight years together, and two kids from a previous marriage

This year my husband and I celebrated twelve years of marriage. Together, we’ve weathered financial and medical disasters, taken epic road trips to wild places  and celebrated milestone birthdays, including the arrival of our three sons. I’ve also had to cope with the changes to my body over those 12 years, like the natural changes that come with turning 40 (almost two years ago), developing a new set of stretch marks with each pregnancy, and probably the tackiest baby gift a girl can receive: the belly apron. To make matters worse, my husband, who had also gained weight over the years, recently lost most of it after several weeks of regular exercise and a few tweaks in his diet. I, however, have not. I’d be lying if I said that the collective effects of all of these things hasn’t tainted how I feel about romping around the bedroom.

Yet all relationships need nurturing in order to thrive, and when you’re in a committed relationship for the long haul, that includes nurturing your sex life. But for those of us with body image barriers, showing up for that kind of nurturing means first nurturing our bruised psyches. Because it’s not our bodies that are truly the problem – it’s how much we let them get in the way.

We’ll cover sex for the single fat girl in an upcoming post, but this week Tee and I have pulled together a list of what’s worked for us over the years in turning that around, both from our own experience and through our many conversations with my friends facing the same challenges in their own marriages and long-term relationships.

Toni: TALK

Sounds like a big, fat “duh,” right? But talking about sex doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Our upbringing and our varied (be they sordid, dull, embarrassing…) pre-committed-relationship love lives can make complicated conversation starters. My husband is my best friend and he makes me laugh every single day, and yet I still feel embarrassed sometimes bringing up the subject with him because . . . he’s my best friend. Who makes me laugh every single day. What if he cracks a joke when I’m trying to be serious about being sexy? What if something I say reminds him that I’m just fat and undesirable?

Forget about it. Connecting with your husband or lover (who, it’s important to remember, has chosen you out of near limitless possibilities) in conversation about and even during sex is a good way to turn the focus back to all the things that were magnetic to both of you about each other. Besides, we all know where the sensual center of the body really lies: the brain.

Tee: TRUST HIS INSTINCT

When Tee and her husband first met and started dating, she was constantly preoccupied with how she thought he — a fit, active, quintessential outdoor guy — would respond physically to her body, which was larger and lumpier than his “type” had been in the past. That hesitation and embarrassment nearly cost them their relationship, but she slowly realized that he was a grown man capable of making that decision for himself…and if he was attracted enough to take the plunge she had to get over herself. Once she let go, she says their sex life took off, and it’s been hot-and-steady ever since.

Toni: DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL YUMMY

Humans are social creatures, with an innate need to belong and feel like a part of our own tribes. Despite what Hollywood, gossip blogs and many women’s magazines want us to believe, our physical appearance shouldn’t be our most important attribute. But let’s be realistic: it does matter to us, and it’s okay to want to feel desired and desirable, no matter our age or size, and no matter how long we’ve been with our partners.

So go ahead and splurge on sexy, feminine, silky lingerie, flattering (even daring) clothes and yummy, scented lotions and bath oils. Find a few things that make you feel absolutely fantastic, and integrate them into your sex life. And if you haven’t tried this in a while, consider the benefits of sex by candlelight; we all look glamorous in it, and I’m able to forget about those stretch marks for a while, which boosts my own libido, which he then picks up on…starting a frisky feedback loop.

Tee: BE TACTILE

Touching is underrated, and Tee picks this out as the number one turn-on she and her husband share. It’s hard to feel undesirable and unsexy when your husband or lover can’t stop touching you. Invite it, let him know you love being touched even in non-sexual ways. A run-of-the-hands down your body when you’re at the sink doing dishes. A thigh squeeze in the car on the way to an event. Be sure to do it in return, because guys love to feel desired, too. Even just making a point to brush against each other when you’re passing in the hall can yield a little electricity.

If you’re like many of us with body image issues, though, there may be parts of you you’d prefer his hands don’t wander – like your belly, or the part of your back where chubby rolls of fat that gather under your bra strap. That’s okay. Rather than be fearful or ashamed, catch his hand and guide it to the places you do want to be touched. He’ll get the idea.

Toni: GIVE AND TAKE. YES, TAKE.

Never has the phrase “law of attraction” been more poignant when applied to our sex lives. All cheekiness (ahem!) aside, there is something very freeing about being generous and giving to our partners without expecting anything in return. I’m not talking about being subservient, but being generous. And then let yourself be open to that generosity in return.

A good friend recently confessed that the bedroom is the one place where she allows herself to be totally selfish, since the rest of her life involves nurturing and giving, giving, giving. It’s okay to receive and it’s okay to be selfish so long as it’s balanced for you and your partner. My husband knows I’m a sucker for a massage, and often just letting him caress my shoulders, back, arms and legs relaxes me enough to forget about all of the stress and preoccupations that keep me from giving myself up to the mood. And don’t be shy: make sure he knows what drives you crazy. Because honestly, with a lover trained at giving us mind-blowing orgasms, who would be thinking about whether we’ll ever fit into a size six again?

Tee: GET A LITTLE FREAKY

Different trumps just about everything. Particularly for guys, the unique and unexpected are instant turn-ons that make the bearer of those irresistible. To distract yourself from your imperfections and inject some fresh, sexy playfulness into your sex life, Tee suggests reading erotic stories together, or better yet – writing each other into one and sharing it at an unexpected moment (though she adds to clear your schedule first and be prepared, as it’s not likely to end there). Sexy movies and photos work for many couples, but if these exacerbate your negative self-perceptions, ditch those in favor of your own costumes, photo sessions (even if it’s you taking sexy photos of him), role playing and other games. Making sex light and playful eases the gravity we assign to it, and, by extension, our place in it when we don’t feel great about ourselves.

Toni: KNOW THYSELF

It took me a few years to figure this out, but I’ve found that my desire tends to peak in the afternoon, when my husband is usually at work and it’s lowest by the time we both collapse after wrangling the kids to bed. And I tend to really want it when I’m ovulating and less so when my menstrual cycle begins. And if the kids are awake? Forget it! I just can’t get in the mood if I think my five-year-old might burst into our room at any moment. My husband, on the other hand, has none of these exceptions (go figure).

Take the time to know your cycles, your moods and preferences, and then share this with your husband or lover. He might be turned on to know that you’re at home feeling sexy when he’s at work, or that a middle-of-the-night tryst when the kids are sleeping could be a great time to get some. Bonus: it’s extra dark at 2am! And you’ll likely make up for the wake up with the deep sleep of a post-coital crash.

No matter what you try, remember this: the more sexy we feel on the inside, the more desirable and magnetic we are naturally. And the more our lovers and husbands express that desire, the more sexy we’ll feel. Pretty soon, the habit is formed and our sex lives are changed.

So… why are you still here? GO!

Yoga instructor Stacey Shulman (photo by Melissa Mimms)

If you’re unfamiliar with yoga and your only impression so far involves media images of svelte women who appear to be contortionists, you’ll want to check out our Fat Girl’s Guide to Yoga, featuring a Q&A with Stacey Shulman, a certified yoga instructor in Atlanta, Georgia. Stacey has been practicing yoga for five years and recently founded a class called “Yoga for Curvy Girls and Big Guys.”

How did you get started practicing yoga?

When I started doing yoga, I really loved it but I didn’t feel like my body was understood and I needed more support to learn some of the poses. There were very few props in the studio, and if I needed something, I had to ask for it and they had to dig around in the back for it. So I left yoga for a little while, tried different aerobics, worked hard and pushed myself and I kept finding my muscles getting tighter and tighter, and I couldn’t walk around without pain. So I started back into yoga and I stumbled into a class that had a lot of support and I said, “I’m home now.”

What got you interested in teaching?

One time I was getting a massage from a plus size massage therapist who said she only went to the pregnancy yoga classes because that’s the only place where she felt like her big belly was accepted. That really got me started on the path to help people find acceptance of their bodies on the yoga mats regardless of their size or shape at the time.

How can practicing yoga specifically help fat girls?

Well, for one, it’s a wonderful way to move your body, especially if you haven’t moved it a whole lot. Many times when we carry extra weight, we limit our movements and yoga is a wonderful way to start moving again. Second, as we begin to move our bodies, we find ourselves able to cultivate more grace as we find our bodies in space. Third, yoga helps improve your sense of balance, and it also helps lengthen and strengthen your muscles.

Yoga can really help with stress, anxiety and depression – because yoga focuses on the breath, there are specific breathing techniques and the movement to calm the nervous system. If you’re feeling lethargic, doing yoga also helps energize the nervous system to elevate your mood, again by combining breathing and movement techniques.

Yoga can help you become more strong and flexible, but a strong and/or flexible body does not necessarily make you an advanced student. Advancement comes from learning about your body’s own abilities and limitations – and making peace with them. Knowing your physical and emotional edges and working with them rather than pushing boundaries and risking injury to look like someone you saw in a magazine or on TV isn’t what yoga is about.

Can yoga help people lose weight?

Different teachers will tell you different things, but here’s my experience: my weight has fluctuated over the years, but not to any real extreme. Yoga has helped me become more connected to my body, mind, and spirit in order to reshape my figure. The more yoga I do, the more in touch I am with my feelings. As someone who struggles with emotional eating, this is a very good thing, allowing me to release some of those patterns.

Are any special clothing or gear required to practice yoga?

No. Yoga is practiced in bare feet, so you don’t need special shoes. Wear loose, comfortable clothing. You should get a yoga mat, because many yoga studios have wood floors, and a mat provides a cushion under your feet and knees. You can find starter mats for around $20.

As far as accessories such as straps, foam blocks, or bolsters, check with your studio to see what they have. A strap works wonders and it’s so easy to tuck in your bag. You can use a strap as an extension of your arms or to grab your feet when you can’t reach them. Blocks bring the floor to you when leaning into a forward bend pose. I recommend having some kind of pillow, firm cotton blanket, or bolster to sit on – I take mine around with me like a teddy bear. This helps  elevate your hips up when sitting on the floor.

What’s the difference between using a DVD or video versus attending a class in person?

There’s no comparison between a live class and a DVD. I appreciate videos and DVDs and in fact, when I was first starting out, I had a couple of videos that I liked to use once in a while. They’re handy for situations when you don’t have access to a regular class or you missed class and want to do something. But a DVD can’t give you the same kind of instruction, support, and adjustments that a live teacher can to give you.

What should fat girls look for in a studio and instructor?

Some key words to look for are “gentle” or “beginner” yoga. Look for classes with “restorative” or “relaxation” in the title to help with stress or anxiety. Call the studio and say you want to take a class, and ask them about their teaching style and how they feel about beginners. You can get a feel by their answer how comfortable they are having students of different sizes, shapes, and abilities in their classes.

If you’re new to yoga or feel shy about coming to a class, many teachers will do private instruction, and you may be able to find one to do a private session for you and a couple of friends. This allows you to get to know that teacher and their style, and you can ask questions about form in front of a private audience.

Any parting thoughts for our readers?

I want your readers to know that yoga can be really fun. It’s a great way to spend a girls’ night out doing something that makes you feel healthy and vibrant in the company of good friends. There are so many great teachers out there, all with their own styles. I’ve gone to yoga classes that feature live music, drummers, and yoga and dancing. Try them all until you find the one that fits you best.

Questions? Comments? Stories to share? Post them in our comments section. You can learn more about Stacey Shulman at her web site, AbundantBliss.net.

Keep your cool at your next check-up. Image by House of Sims on flickr.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed., is our inaugural guest blogger (and the crowd goes wild!). Karen is a psychotherapist and author who specializes in the psychology of eating. Please give Karen a warm FGG welcome, share your experiences, and ask any questions you may have in the comments section. –The FGG Editorial Team

When you’re fat, the only thing more worrisome than the bad news you might hear when you visit the doctor is agonizing about what might be said about your weight. You’re likely to get an unsolicited earful. One of my clients was admonished that she could positively not see the doctor unless she weighed in. Another never got a chance to share her health concerns because her physician spent the entire visit urging her to get lap-band surgery. Yet another was told she’d be refused treatment by her nurse practitioner unless she dropped 40 pounds.

What’s a girl to do if she needs a check up or has a health emergency and happens to be a few score overweight?

Be a smart shopper. Remember that you are first and foremost a consumer of services and that it’s up to you to see that you get what you (or the insurance company) are paying for. Everyone is entitled to go to a health professional and have their concerns heard and responded to in an appropriate and professional manner. Everyone is entitled to be shown respect, kindness and compassion when they walk through that office door. And, everyone is entitled to assert their needs and express dismay/anger/frustration when they’re not met—including fat girls.

Speak up. If you’re unhappy with how you’re treated by health professionals, say so, not only to teach them about how you want to be treated, but to empower yourself. If you’re seeing a healthcare provider for the first time, just be yourself and try not to be anxious. There are no rules. Maybe you want to talk about your weight and maybe you don’t. It’s fine to say that weight is a sensitive issue and that you prefer to talk about it when you know the provider better. It’s also fine to say nothing at all in defense of your reticence.

If providers insist, stand on the scale so you’re facing away from the mechanism that measures your weight, and ask staff not to say the number aloud if you don’t want to hear it. Or be bold and tell them that you know you’re overweight and don’t need the scale to tell you so. Better yet, volunteer whether your weight has changed, even if it’s gone up. Take charge—ask why they need to know the exact number, why a weight range isn’t sufficient. If you’re receiving medication, medical staff might want a specific number to assess correct dosage.

Think ahead. Call before an appointment if you’re worried you won’t receive a gown large enough to discretely cover your body. Maybe even suggest the practice invest in plus-size gowns if they lack them. If you require help getting up on the table, ask for a stool and take your time climbing on. You’ll probably end up waiting for the doctor anyway, so what’s the rush?

Be prepared. In the case of visiting a health care practitioner who has hassled you about your weight in the past, feel free to provide some education that it’s fitness and health that count, not simply poundage. Do some Internet research and bring it along. If you’re taking action to lower your weight and feel like it, tell the doctor. Maybe you’ve joined a gym, started therapy or are reading my books. Most importantly, stay calm and maintain control of the agenda. Doctors’ visits seem to be getting shorter and shorter, so write down your questions and concerns ahead of time and tick off items as you get responses. If the doctor brings up your size, try a gentle reminder that weight isn’t the issue at hand. If he or she presses on, make the reminder a teeny bit less gentle.

Go for a team or collaborative approach, not a combative one. Most health care professionals really do want you to improve your health and often feel powerless to help you. Leave the chip on your shoulder behind and try not to personalize or read intentions that aren’t there into well-meaning or professional remarks. Although you don’t want a provider who treats you like a naughty child, you also don’t want to act like one.

Exercise your right to walk. Don’t be afraid to change practitioners. People do it all the time for any number of reasons. I’m on my third GP since I moved to Sarasota almost four years ago. Keep at it until you find someone you trust who listens to your questions and concerns. You deserve to have health care providers who will help you take excellent care of yourself.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist, educator, national speaker and international author who is an expert on the psychology of eating. She has a private practice in Sarasota, FL and does world-wide telephone therapy. Learn more about her and her books at EatingNormal.com and NiceGirlsFinishFat.com.