The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

kiss by chatblanc1

You know you’ve watched her.

She’s the girl at a party with a gravitational pull that effortlessly draws men into her orbit. Or the stranger on the train whose laughter fills the car two stops after she boards, delighting the random passenger sharing her seat. Maybe she’s even a friend of yours — a fellow fat girl, perhaps — and you’ve long envied her ability to meet people and generate positive interest in such a breezy, natural way.

As you watch her, the questions pop into your head, unbidden: “Just what is it about her that draws men/women/anyone with a pulse so immediately? What’s her trick?” And possibly, painfully: “No one seems to care that she’s overweight — so why is it so hard for me?”

The fact is there are two kinds of women in this world: The natural-born flirts and those of us who wish we knew their secret. Or perhaps there’s a third kind: Women who have learned to approach flirtation as a craft that may be studied and practiced, a means to expanding our social circles, a boost for our self esteem, a fun way to pass the time — or all of the above.

Flirting prep: It’s about much more than our weight

If you were expecting a separate flirting playbook for the plus-size woman, forget about it. Although some men may be more drawn to our rockin’ curves, there’s no “How to Flirt if You’re Overweight” manual. That being said, we big girls sometimes need to get out of our own way when it comes to meeting and chatting up new people.

“Flirting is an attitude — I think that’s number one,” says Fran Greene, former Director of Flirting at Match.com and author of the recently released book The Flirting Bible: Your Ultimate Photo Guide to Reading Body Language, Getting Noticed, and Meeting More People Than You Ever Thought Possible. Rather than any one specific action or technique, Greene explains, successful flirting at any size comes from being self-confident, positive and enthusiastic.

“Flirting crosses all genders, weights and sexualities,” Greene says. “It’s about your confidence and your attitude, about the way you present yourself and make the most about what you have. It’s not about being a ’10,’ but about having this air about you — a combo of chutzpah and charisma.”

“But wait!” I can almost hear some of our readers saying. “If I went through every day feeling self-confident, positive and full of chutzpah, would I require sage, thought-provoking FGG columns such as this one?” A fair point, dear readers. When I broach the issue with Greene, she suggests positive self-talk and the support of friends as tools to help get us over the confidence hump. Despite her credentials (licensed clinical social worker by training; dating and relationships counselor by practice), Greene can’t bestow the Presto Change-o Magic Bullet of Confidence, any more than I can — it just takes work and practice.

Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder/CEO of eFlirt Expert, agrees that confidence is crucial. “If you’re feeling self-conscious, choose one thing that’s awesome about you and focus on that,” she suggests. “If your mindset is on the positive, great things will come!”

Davis’s advice not only sounds like a page straight from our recent Guide to Being Irresistible — Even to Yourself, but it makes good sense, too. If the essence of flirtation is about making fun, lighthearted connections with another person so that they want to learn more about you, it helps to buy into the package you’re selling. Some of us are born with that innate feeling of fearlessness, while others just have to keep working at it. Sitting in a corner listening to an inner soundtrack that’s stuck on “I suck and have nothing clever to say” won’t encourage anyone to chat you up. Change the track, already, and fake it ’til you make it.

Great first impressions require preparation at any size

Once you’re feeling irresistible (or are headed in the right direction), the next step is ensuring your first impression backs that up. Basic attention to your appearance goes a long way toward making you appear approachable and helping maintain your own confidence levels, so don’t underestimate how far a flattering hairstyle, manicured nails, standing up straight or wearing clothes that are flattering, age- and situation-appropriate will take you.

Although our self-sabotaging voice of doubt sometimes makes us feel invisible because of our weight, Greene points out that we sometimes make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If you’re dressed sloppily, like you don’t care,” she says, “is someone not interested because you’re overweight or because you don’t care about what you’re wearing?”

If you don’t know where to begin, she suggests getting advice from a close and/or male friend or taking someone shopping with you. “A lot of time we don’t see ourselves as other people see us. Take some pictures — what you see in photos is often different from what you see in the mirror,” which can help you appreciate yourself in a way that’s hard to do in the face of three-way mirrors and fluorescent lighting.

Set the stage for flirting success

Greene is adamant about the next rule: A good flirt never leaves home without a ‘prop.’ “For someone who struggles with weight or self confidence, props are natural conversation starters,” she explains. While the idea of luring someone into a dialogue based on a material object may seem like a bit of a cheat, Greene points out that girls who choose their props wisely (i.e. something that reflects their interests, passions or hobbies) will find their personalities shining through and potentially have more substantive conversations.

So what makes a good prop? Anything that gets you noticed, says Greene: unusual jewelry, a piece of clothing that references a passion or hobby, a book or newspaper, your dog, your kids, a tote bag, your dog and kids inside the tote bag . . . you get the idea.

Flirting is really about connecting

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by thinking of flirting as a daunting or elusive skill — it’s really just a simple series of events that make and maintain connections. To begin engaging someone, you’ll need to establish meaningful eye contact. Greene recommends holding the glance slightly longer than feels necessary (about 2-4 seconds) but not long enough to become a stare. And no, throwing in a wink does not make you cheesy or cliché.

“You have to start a conversation to make it happen, not wait for someone to come to you. The best opening line is very simple — just say ‘hello.’” Talk about your surroundings, give a compliment or state an opinion. The bottom line, Greene says, is to ” just get your mouth moving.”

A smile is also key here — as necessary to flirting as air is to breathing, according to Greene — because it makes you much more approachable. You don’t need to go through the day with a creepy, Cheshire Cat grin plastered on your face, but most people avoid engaging in witty banter with a person who looks like her dog just died. Successful flirts come across as playful and lighthearted, and they display a bit of vulnerability.

“Show that you’re real and human,” Greene emphasizes. You can even poke fun at yourself, so long as you follow Toni’s advice from a recent post and joke about your actions, not your essence. That’s just what one of Greene’s clients did after living out the nightmare scenario of accidentally tucking toilet paper into the back of her dress and being laughed at. Rather than skulk and hide, the woman walked up to the guy whose pointing had made her aware of the faux pas and said, “‘I want to thank you so much for saving me from embarrassment. My name is _____.”

Everyone loves a compliment

Something to remember about flirting: It’s not just about you. “The goal is to make someone else feel good, not just talk about yourself,” Greene says. To that extent, one of her tried-and-true suggestions for launching a flirtation is to give someone a compliment. Obviously, for best results you’ll want to keep your compliments honest and sincere. But Greene also suggests varying things a bit beyond commenting on someone’s shirt or eye color.

If you’re wearing something new or you always get compliments on your smile, having a stranger comment on these things will feel good but might not be as memorable as a compliment that comes out of left field. According to Greene, commenting on someone’s pleasant speaking voice, the patience they show with their kids, or even the way they organize their supermarket cart can not only be an ice-breaker but something that sets you apart.

Sound crazy? Think back to the compliments you’ve received recently, or over your lifetime. Which ones stand out in your mind? For me, the things people compliment are pretty reliable (my writing, for example). I love these compliments; I cherish them, and they warm me each time I hear them. But twenty years later, I still remember the name of the boy who told me in ninth grade that my nose was cute — and that it happened at the bowling alley. Things that are genuine but unexpected stay with us for a reason.

Take flirtation beyond “hello”

Once you’ve established a connection, keep the exchange going by practicing active listening. Lean slightly toward the person speaking, or touch him lightly on the arm. If you’ve never tried the simple touch on the arm, you may be amazed by how well this works.

Greene also suggests changing your behavior from the role of “guest” (someone who waits for others to take the lead) to the role of “host” (one who gets noticed by making things just a bit easier for others). This shift is important because it pries you out of being passive and waiting for something to happen.

How does this work in a real-world scenario? Offer a vacant seat at your table to the person scanning the crowded coffee shop for an open table. (The flip side of this might be to make eye contact and ask a passing customer if he’ll bring you cream and sugar so you don’t have to leave your laptop sitting unattended.) At a party or social function, offer to bring back food or a drink if you’re headed to the bar. Remember: Flirting is far less complicated if you break it down into a series of actions that foster connection.

Re-purposing a rejection

No matter how positive your attitude or how skilled your approach, there are bound to be encounters that don’t go as you’d hoped. If someone isn’t interested or doesn’t respond to a flirtation in kind, it can feel very personal — like a judgment or a confirmation of your deepest fears. In these moments, it’s critical not to let one person’s disinterest rule you.

“It’s so easy to go to the worst possible place,” Greene says, “telling yourself ‘If I were only 50 pounds lighter, if I had the perfect weight or body, he’d probably like me.’ We make it about us, but we don’t take into account the other person’s issues. We never know the real reason.”

While there will always be scenarios that are less than perfect, Greene says the key is to mentally re-frame a rejection by seeing it as an opportunity. Mentally and symbolically (read: not out loud), “Tell that person ‘thank you — you’ve done me a really big favor by being honest and not causing me to waste time I could be spending on more positive experiences.’ And then let it go.” Not every two people are destined (or suited) to be together.

Davis of eFlirt Expert agrees. “Online and offline, there is dating ‘riff-raff’ — the guys who will focus on the negative and possibly try to rile you up,” she says. “Ignore the nay-sayers to keep your sanity. If you had a negative experience, he wasn’t right for you anyway.”

Plus-size flirting online

Speaking of who you might find online . . . More people are meeting via personals and other online groups, forums and social media networks these days than ever before, so improving your virtual communication chops is never a bad idea.

“Catch his attention by finding him,” recommends Davis. “Search for your perfect match and write him an awesome e-mail. Play up your strengths — for example, if you’re witty, make sure your headline is snappy.”

When writing your own online profile, steer clear of tired and vague phrases such as “I love to laugh and have fun.” Instead, use the space to make your unique combination of quirks and passions come to life: “I rely on my daily Jon Stewart fix only slightly less than my morning latte or weekly Drag Queen Bingo nights with friends.” “Letting your personality shine through . . . . will get you the best kind of attention,” Davis emphasizes.

Online or off, flirting takes practice and finding an approach and a voice that feels natural to you. For me, the challenge is all about timing; in a situation where I’m comfortable and conversation is established, it’s tempting to over-flirt. Perhaps one day I’ll muster the same type of chutzpah with strangers. In the meantime, I’ll be the freckled chick devouring historical fiction on the El, wondering if today’s the day a fellow Tudor England nerd comments on my prop — er, read.

Tell us, readers: How do you break the ice? What’s your favorite flirting anecdote — or what fears are still holding you back?

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

Awkward date courtesy of der jones

The reasons why we date are personal. Some of us are looking to settle down and start families. Some want to have fun and aren’t ready for that yet. Some just ditched a long-term relationship and want to live it up for a while without labels or strings attached. There’s nothing wrong with any of this; we should be dating for our needs and desires, not to check off boxes on an imaginary list of things everyone expects of us. I’ve dated for fun, for companionship, to learn about myself and other people, and in search of someone to settle down with. I’ve dated to prove to myself that men want me, that I’m not desperate, and that I have good choices. In every single one of those instances, I’ve had great dates and awful dates, and I’ve found that the good experiences soften the blow of the bad ones, and the bad ones motivate me to chase after something better (or they simply make epic “we can laugh about it now” tales later on).

We’ve all been on a bad date or ten. Or fifty. They’re often the first (and only) date we’ll ever have with someone, but sometimes they happen months into a relationship when something goes horribly wrong, leaving you questioning why you’re together. No matter when they strike, bad dates can be really discouraging – even the comically disastrous ones that make great war stories. Bad dates seem to be an unfortunate necessity, like any other pothole on the road to an otherwise exciting adventure. Even knowing this, bad dates often make me question why I’m dating in the first place and what on earth is wrong with me that kept me from seeing such an awful evening coming.

The thing that makes a bad date so especially disheartening is that there’s so much hope going into it — particularly on the first few dates with someone. Even if you try to keep yourself in check, remaining cool and collected like the sophisticated woman of the world that you are, you can’t help having some anticipatory daydreams. Lurid fantasies are sometimes rudely interrupted when he announces that he’s decided to reclaim his virginity. Just as visions of dream houses and beautiful children begin forming, he shares that he can’t bear to settle in one place for more than a year or two. Or maybe he’s just plain . . . off. I once went on a date with a charming grad student who told me he’d taken himself off of his psych meds and had decided to start his doctoral work in biochemical weapons research. There was not a second date.

Our attitudes toward ourselves as big girls can make a bad date sting that much more, too. Sometimes we worry a guy won’t like us because of our size, or if he does adore us, we turn around and question why he does. I’m certain that we make our size into a bigger deal in our heads than it is to most men, but getting passed over in the meat market of dating is a very real thing. On the other side of that coin, I’ve had guys who were a good match in terms of intelligence and interests, but turned out to be more into their big butt fetish than anything (or anyone) else. We all want to have our bodies appreciated, but none of us like being objectified because of our size or shape. It’s not easy for anyone when a new relationship fails because of body-related reasons. But in my experience, I’ve been wanted for my body more than I’ve been rejected for it, which seems to be true for my friends of all shapes and sizes, so keep any size-related self-doubt in perspective when pondering why a date took a wrong turn.

We all hate to have our hopes dashed or see our rosy pictures of a person turn out all wrong. I think that rude awakening is harder to deal with than the actual date itself. Dating is a little bit risky and scary; we have to rely on our intuition and people-reading skills to try and sort out whether or not our date meets our personal criteria, sparks any chemistry, or raises red flags. When everything looks good to go but turns out to be a wreck, a girl can’t help but question her judgment. Don’t linger in that place for long; your intuition isn’t broken and you aren’t a bad judge of character. There’s simply no way to know everything about someone in a few weeks or even months, and rough patches on the road to dating adventure are completely normal. If you do find yourself in the same bad relationship pattern over and over again, you may need to reassess your deal-makers and deal-breakers, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. These things will change over time and be refined with every relationship, and all we can do is learn from what happened and use it to our advantage going forward.

If you can learn to live with your dating mistakes and disasters, I think you’ll find that the ups and downs of dating will level off. Doing things for ourselves gives us confidence–in ourselves, in our desirability and worth, and in the decisions we make. Not dating because of a bad experience? It might be time to think about what you want out of a relationship right now and give it another go. Cast your net wide: there are wonderful men out there who will treat you well and adore you, even if you have to trip over a few trolls on your way to finding them.

Got a great bad date story you can laugh about now? Or a real heartbreaker you ultimately learned from? Share your bad date stories or your tips for getting over an evening gone horribly wrong in the comments.

Finding your summer clothing comfort zone takes practice Image by hartman045

Nobody should have to make a first impression while wearing a swimsuit. This isn’t just a fat girl problem – it’s intimidating for every single person. The unstoppable weekend machine of warm weather activities is running on all cylinders right now. To complicate things, these barbecues, trips to the lake, and afternoons at the pool are frequently an open invitation to friends of friends. They’re a great way to introduce new people into your group or get to know someone better, and you’re likely to notice that some of these new-to-you friends are single. If you’re as lucky as I am, they seem to crop up, unannounced, on that one weekend where you’ve finally worked up the courage to shed your sarong.

While I love and look forward to most of these activities, they all carry with them a kernel of anxiety that just won’t go away. Why? Because they mean choosing between wearing what I know looks good on me but leaves me totally overheated, uncomfortable and stuck on the sidelines and joining the fun while wearing skin-baring things like bathing suits and shorts that expose some of my least favorite parts of me. In reality, those single new people either think you look hot (check out those curves!) or they don’t care about what you look like, so we might as well (un)dress for the weather.

If I could tell you how to have unshakable confidence and feel secure in your beauty while running around mostly naked in public, I would. I’d also be fantastically wealthy. We worry about being too big. Other girls worry about not having curves. Guys worry about their man-boobs or hairy backs. It’s a universal problem whose cure is mental, not at the gym or the surgeon’s table. We have to realize that everyone sees us, all the time, and they already know what our bodies are like. You know what? That’s okay. Get a swimsuit that flatters your good points, a pair of board shorts or sarong, and get out there! Find a compromise between comfort and being covered up that you can feel good about, because life is too short to put off having fun and enjoying the world around us.

I thought I had these unfounded fears beaten after spending every weekend last summer at the lake, until the guy I’m dating said I should get a bikini because, “Babe, you’d be so hot in one.” I tried to tell him that they don’t come in my size. He sent me a picture of someone much bigger than me in a white bikini. I told him I’d think about it but didn’t want to go out in public in one. He said he wants to go to a water park for his birthday. I told him to get his head examined. And then the idea of having one – my first bikini ever – wouldn’t leave me alone. That’s how I found myself in line at Walmart late last night, a green string bikini – in my size – in hand. I couldn’t try it on since the dressing rooms were closed, but at $15, I didn’t really have an excuse not to try one. He loves it. I refuse to wear the bottoms where anyone other than him will see me. We’re compromising: I’m going to be brave by wearing my modest tankini bottom with the bikini top at the apartment pool, but I’m wearing whatever I want to the water park because my comfort is more important to him than his eye candy. I still can’t reconcile myself to the idea of me in a bikini as a desirable thing, but hey, that’s part of why I’m dating him, and I appreciate that he’s helping me see myself through new, appreciative eyes.

The message that women should be more covered up the bigger and older their bodies get is a strong one in American culture. We are highly critical of ourselves, even when there’s nothing to criticize, and I’m tired of that holding me back from having fun. The beaches I’ve been to in other countries have women of all ages and sizes running around topless and unashamed. I try to think of them because it helps me remember that my body is something to be enjoyed and appreciated — at every phase of life. If grandmas can walk around wearing only bikini bottoms in Spain and Italy, surely I can relax around strangers at the water park in my tankini. When you go meet people for a backyard pool party this summer, I encourage you to chat up at least one person you haven’t met before. Hold your head high and project the confidence you feel when you’re wearing your favorite outfit. I think you’ll find yourself feeling graceful and bold, no matter what you’re wearing when you make a first impression. If you don’t feel that way, at you can feel lucky that you’re not sitting in a hot tub in your first bikini, praying that your boobs stay contained within those little green triangles.

Vive la difference!

Wouldn’t it be great if all of our dating-related anxiety evaporated once we met someone great? I think it should. After all the craziness often required to get to “great,” I don’t think anyone should be lying awake worrying about what other people think. But it’s hard not to worry at least a little when big differences loom between you like an elephant in the room — especially when those differences are physical. A potentially great pairing can wind up in peril if insecurity keeps you from enjoying each other, which can happen regardless of your size, age, or gender.

We all have an idea about how couples are “supposed” to look. They should probably be of a similar level of attractiveness, the archetypal big, strong man protecting the delicate, little (yet curvaceous) woman. That’s what pops into my mind, anyway. When you and your chosen one don’t fit into that mold, it can add another layer of anxiety to what’s already there.

What do you do when you’re dating someone who is really physically different from you or from that idea of what a couple should look like? Maybe they’re shorter or half your weight or absurdly fit and handsome or disabled or from a radically different cultural or ethnic background. No matter what the big difference is, it can be scary to confront. Unfortunately, you have to confront it in one way or another if you’re going to get comfortable with it. You must come to terms with the difference in your own mind, and you might even (gulp!) have to talk about it together.

Here’s the first thing you need to know: They wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place if they weren’t attracted to you — and I mean attracted physically. This is especially hard to believe if you feel like the guy is out of your league. I was with a guy for a while who was drop-dead gorgeous, had abs like Brad Pitt, was really nice, and was very successful. 99% of women would be seriously intimidated by him and be wondering why he had asked them out. I couldn’t help wondering why this guy who could have any girl wanted a fat girl like me. Turns out he was into my looks, my personality, my brain, and my big butt. It’s easy to forget that for many men, offering bigger versions of their favorite female body parts is a very nice perk. It’s even easier to forget that men are much less judgmental and far more appreciative of our bodies than we tend to be.

Here’s the second thing you need to know: They might feel physically inferior to you and fear that you won’t find them attractive. There’s a lot of pressure on men to be the big, strong Alpha male. But of course, just as most of us don’t resemble supermodels, many guys don’t fit that hunky he-man mold. I’ve dated men who were short and guys who were very thin and one who was so overweight and out of shape that he couldn’t walk a city block without getting winded and needing a break. While I was worried they would think my body was too big, they were even more worried that their bodies didn’t measure up to my standards. It’s easy to put those fears to rest if he asks whether or not it’s an issue. If it doesn’t come up, you can be stealthily reassuring and mention the things you like about his body.

Ultimately, you have to stop fretting over your differences and find the bonuses that they bring to your relationship. Do you get to enjoy the eye candy and enthusiastic attentions of someone with the body of an underwear model? Lucky, lucky girl. There are great things about kissing someone who’s about your height, and there are even greater things about how other parts of you line up. A big guy will make you feel especially feminine and delicate. Not only will you not break a skinny guy if you’re on top, but you might find that a whole new range of positions are available.

Having doubts and insecurities is inevitable–if it’s not looks, then it’s going to be something else. It’s human nature. The important thing is to not let those doubts or worries get in the way of enjoying each other. Just as we big girls should hold our heads high and feel comfortable in our own skin wherever we go, we should feel just as proud stepping out with our partners, because variety can be deliciously spicy.

Have you dated a guy (or girl) who was vastly different from you physically? How did you handle it (or not)? Share your experiences in the comments.

Holding Hands by Chinogypsie

You know your relationship needs help when you get cold shouldered by Dixie Carter’s death. Nothing against Ms. Carter, but when a two-inch celebrity obit is enough to kill your partner’s mood, it might be time to ask what’s going on. In our case, it’s one of those Mars-Venus things.

Ordinarily, my wife and I are an excellent team. Whether we’re camping in a state park, planning a holiday party, or co-parenting our fierce and willful four-year-old daughter, we’ve learned to anticipate each others’ needs, to communicate effectively, and to work with the skill and efficiency of a NASCAR pit crew within a schedule that’s often jam-packed with obligations. When one of us needs an afternoon off from parenting, the other picks up the slack. When one goes to the store, (s)he always considers what the other might need, without having to ask. In short, we know how to put the other person first. Which, to me, is the very definition of love. So, all would seem idyllic.

Well, not quite. As I’ve learned, all these things, while necessary and good, fall under the rubric of “support and partnership” but leave something to be desired when it comes to “cherishment.” Now cherishment is a word you may not have heard recently, probably because the last person to use it was likely Chaucer. But in essence, it encompasses all those little loving behaviors that one person displays to show physical affection: holding hands across the dinner table, playing idly with your partner’s hair, looking soulfully into your partner’s eyes, kissing deeply and passionately without the expectation of anything more.

As my wife explained it, “As a big woman, it’s easy for me to slip into thinking that ‘he won’t touch me unless he wants sex, so he must think I’m gross.’” Of course, being a bit of a beef-wit, I hadn’t thought of that. And I should have, because my wife’s been more than frank about her history before we got together. In those days, when her self-esteem was low, it was not unusual for her to be, shall we say, less than particular about her choice of partners—her logic being: “Well, he wants me. Good enough. I guess I’ll go home with him.”

Problem is, I’m just not a touchy-feely guy, and as such, I forget that those little caresses are so important to her. More importantly, I forget that their absence carries a negative subtext. So while I excel at support and partnership, I fail miserably at cherishment. Which is why something like Dixie Carter’s death can derail date night, even after seeing the movie “Date Night.” And while I’m not naïve enough to believe that remembering an extra quart of milk at the market is going to make my wife want to blow me (really, I’m not), I do believe all the times I put her needs before my own should count for something.

This is the part of the column where you might expect to find some pithy insight that solves the problem I’ve just described. Well, you can sit back in your chairs…no such luck. After another slogging late-night argument, my wife and I went to sleep, only narrowly averting a scenario where one of us bunks on the couch. We’ve discussed marriage counseling–I was in favor, she was against. We’ve each done a lot of work on ourselves, both in recovery from substance abuse and in individual psychotherapy. So I do understand her reluctance to embark on yet another soul-scouring enterprise.

So rather than tie this all together with some flip, clever, or pat answer that might get a laugh but solves nothing, I’ll put the question to you, dear readers: How do you practice “cherishment” in your relationship? And how do you encourage it in your partner?

PS – To Ms. Carter’s family, no disrespect intended. Dixie was kick-ass.

My dating history probably looks like many of yours: some good, some bad, with a few twists, turns, and surprise endings. We’re all full of hope and idealism at the beginning — sometimes enough to smother the little voice whispering that this is a Very Bad Idea – while at the end, we usually vow to never make that mistake again. This is why, despite my long string of failed relationships, I don’t regret a single one.

The good guys and the good traits remind us of what we truly want, be it qualities in personality, looks, or relationship dynamics. This is incredibly important for a couple of reasons. First, it helps sustain our hope that our dreams will become a reality, even when things are bad. Second, it helps to keep us from becoming too cynical or bitter about the prospect of love. We all need a reminder that there are lovely, charming people out there who dig us.

When it comes to the failures, let me make one thing clear: a relationship isn’t a failure just because it doesn’t lead to marriage. The failures that make great war stories later on, the ones that become classic examples of what not to do – these grizzly tales have ultimately helped me find increasingly better relationships. My dating scenarios usually started out in one of two ways: I deliberately ignored my intuition, accumulated wisdom, and the array of red flags warning me to stay away, or after ending something with a bad guy or a bad relationship, I’d run toward guys with opposite qualities. If Mr. Wrong was an anti-intellectual who refused to read, the next guy I’d date was going to be a professor. If he was too controlling and selfish, the next guy would need to fall all over himself to make me happy. I knew all of these are pairings wouldn’t work from the start, but I’m stubborn that way.

Over the course of my twenties, I’m finding that the pendulum swings are less and less extreme. I’m finally able to identify people and potential relationships that strike a happy medium. By taking chances on guys who strongly exhibited certain qualities, I got an intensive course in whether or not I actually liked and wanted that quality in a partner, how much I’m willing to put up with, and which traits are necessary and which are optional. I was never inundated with such information when I dated men who were utterly safe, without even the merest hint of danger or fear of getting hurt.

A sneaky fact about those seductive qualities that attract us, even though we know it might be a bad idea? They’re often a hair’s breadth removed from the quality we really want in a person. Say you want someone who will be a good provider with a stable job. You might think an up-and-coming junior executive is the perfect guy–until you date him and discover you can’t have a relationship with someone who works 90+ hours a week. I did that, but now I’m dating someone who makes less money, but is really responsible with it and has a great work ethic. Rich and powerful is nice, but I’ll take stability and having a highly involved relationship over that any day.

If you haven’t done it in a while, I encourage you to look back on past disasters and make a list of “must haves” and deal-breakers in a potential partner. You might be surprised how experience and time has shifted your priorities and the qualities you’re looking for. Even though the relationships weren’t all good, having the wisdom of your own life refined and set down on paper in front of you is a very good thing indeed. By being willing to take a few calculated risks to move your ship out of the safe harbor of “good enough,” you might find yourself winning the dating game.

Tell me about your dating mistakes – what have they taught you, what qualities did you discover mattered to you as a result?