The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Photo: Swimsuits on the Line by Ed Yourdon.

Today’s guest post is an essay by Jill Long, an artist and married mom of two who lives near Madison, Wisconsin. You can see some of her work at beaulahblue.etsy.com.

A New Voice

I wore a swimsuit today. A swimsuit. My swimsuit. One layer of clothes was removed and I stood practically bare in front of seven strangers, 5 a.m. and ready for laps. I’d removed more than clothes. I stood naked, layers and layers and layers of what removed? Shame? Something has changed in me.

I know when I started getting fat. We moved. Far away. My husband had a wonderful job that he loved, but it kept him at work until seven or eight or later every night. I had a wonderful job that I loved, but it kept me at home all day with two small kids and a pantry full of food. And I thought I had to be perfect, my kids had to be perfect, my house had to be perfect. And then I had to have another job, too, because people always asked, “What do you do?” and then they got that look on their face that said, “Oh.” Back then, when I was always alone and so young, I thought it mattered, what they thought. So I got up at six and took care of my kids all day and then stayed up until two or three trying to build an art business, slept for a few hours and then ate to keep myself awake during the day. As I started to gain weight and lose sleep, a voice in my head started to tell me some awful things.

And then, we moved and we moved and we moved. I always had plans to lose weight or exercise or make some change, but the change was always pack, or paint, or set up our lives, or dismantle our lives. It didn’t matter, because that voice, that voice that had started to tell me those awful things, had already convinced me that I had no value. It convinced me that I would never be successful at anything. It convinced me that I am not worth getting to know. It convinced me that I am dumb and ugly and uninteresting and illiterate and a million other things. It even convinced me that chocolate made me feel better than anything.

I haven’t worn shorts in seven years. I never wear short sleeves. It’s not so much because I think I look hideous; I do think I look hideous. But before today, I would never have considered subjecting others to my hideous body. I know that’s not such a crazy idea because I’ve heard what people say: why don’t they just f%cking lose weight, “fat ass” this and “fat ass” that, and a million other awful things said about fat people. Heck, I’ve probably laughed at some of them. I just happen to know why they haven’t f%cking lost weight: it isn’t always f%cking easy.

But something has changed in me: I think that voice might be a liar.

The things I do for you people!

This week’s photo of the week: ME! Because I promised to post a shot of my Land’s End swim suit, here it is. Isn’t this a cute suit? The girl inside it ain’t bad, either. Not that I’m suggesting it was at all easy to pose in a swimsuit for all the Internet to see. Or to get my six-year-old to hold my 35mm digital SLR camera steady – but it was all for a good cause, right?

Share photos of your adorable selves in our FGG Girls Flickr Group, and look for our first photo challenge coming this week – no six-year-olds necessary!

Image via LandsEnd.com

Few people love shopping for swimwear, but I’ll admit to feeling a rush of excitement when the Land’s End catalog arrives each spring, because I know there will be several swimsuit options for my shape and size. Not that I buy a new swimsuit every year–the quality that goes into these suits usually means I don’t need a new one for at least three summers, which is great because these babies don’t come cheap.

However, filing under “you get what you pay for,” Land’s End stands by their products from cradle to grave, offering a money-back guarantee with no questions asked. They even throw in free shipping for returns on re-orders, or you can return your items at any Sears store. If you’re a risk-taker, waiting till Memorial Day or after (including now) means you can find many items on sale, provided they don’t sell out.

All of those things are great, but here’s what keeps me coming back to this company: Land’s End makes suits that actually fit plus size bodies. Even better: they offer enough styles, colors, and patterns to satisfy just about everyone. Plus size swimsuit seekers can choose among flattering, slimming one-piece numbers to mix-and-match separates and cover-ups in a variety of fabrics and patterns that are actually cute rather than a couple of token “Perhaps This Obnoxious Pattern Will Distract You From Noticing That I’m Fat” styles.

This year, I bought the Kaleidoscope Print V-Neck Swim Top (pictured, above) paired with the SwimShape Separates Solid Swim Mini™ in slimming black, and it looks and feels fantastic. The SwimShape Separates SwimMini™ has a tummy control panty built in that does its job while still allowing me to actually move around both in and out of the water. Last year I’d ordered the Beach Living Tummy Control SwimMini™, but found it ran a bit too short (14.5″ length) and flared, giving that “hippo in a tutu” look from Disney’s Fantasia we all know and hate. (Your mileage may vary if, unlike my body type, your thighs are slimmer at the top).

I returned last year’s skirt without hassle and also tried the Women’s Plus Size Beach Living Tummy Control Swim Shorts, but found they rode up my inner thighs when I walked; not the effect I wanted while strolling around poolside. (Again, if your legs are on the straighter side, the shorts will probably work really well for you).

I feel so confident and cute in the top and skirt I kept this season that I even waltzed into our public library to return books on the way to the pool while wearing it! I haven’t had that experience since childhood. Tee is trying to convince me to post a photo of myself in this year’s swimwear; what do you think? A few librarians vs. The Internet; how bad could it be?

Have you found a swimsuit you love? Share your favorite places to shop for swimwear in the comment section.