The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

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When Toni wrote the original Fat Girl’s Guide to iPhone Applications last December, she noted that, despite the holdout status maintained by some of our more technophobic readers, the smartphone wasn’t going away. How right she was! In the eight months since that post ran at FGG, Apple has released both the iPhone 4 and the iPad, while the Motorola Droid has continued to explode in popularity and application offerings. We figured those three factors — not to mention the scads of new and updated apps on the market — warranted re-visiting the app stores to share some of the newest (or most addictive) ways these ubiquitous gadgets can enhance your life.

Note: Not all of our suggestions are designed or marketed specifically as apps for overweight women; most, in fact, have much broader appeal or aren’t weight-related. Consider this a roundup of helpful (or goofy) apps that we, as fat girls with active lifestyles, have enjoyed or coveted this year.

Apps for the hungry girl

Whether you’re in the kitchen or on the go, the Epicurious app helps take your cooking to a higher level by allowing you to search/browse/save/e-mail more than 30,000 recipes and create shopping lists. On the large screen of the iPad, the app becomes a stove-side cookbook with user-friendly layout and task progress bar. Best of all? Epicurious is free for both the iPad and iPhone and is newly available for Android mobile devices.

If you’re searching for a place to eat, both Yelp (free, user-generated reviews) and Zagat To Go (Zagat ratings for 40,000 restaurants, $3.99-$19.99) can help you decide where to nosh. Both apps command loyal followings based on their respective content, attitude and price, but if you have an iPhone, iPod touch, BlackBerry or Android mobile device, you can try them both and decide for yourself. And once you know where you’re going, reservations are a snap with OpenTable.

Loving the variety of fresh produce the summertime brings? The What’s Fresh app (for iPhone, iPad and iPod touch) can tell you which fruits and vegetables are currently in season in your area (anywhere in the U.S.), or provide a calendar of when/where the item you’re craving will be in season. Currently selling for 99 cents (down from $1.99), this one’s a gimme for girls who love to shop locally and those of us looking to include more fresh fruits and veggies in our diets.

Apps for the active girl

We haven’t seen many specific fitness apps for plus-sized women out there, but girls of all activity levels can benefit from setting the simple goal of just trying to move more. Portable technology makes it easier than ever to track (and celebrate!) everything from the shortest walks with the dog to lengthy hikes, runs or rides.

Counting steps, measuring stride and tracking distance and calories burned all happens via iTreadmill’s quick, clean interface (99 cents for iPhone or iPod touch). And I was already addicted to MapMyRun.com, but the iMapMy fitness app is even more exciting. Different versions exist for BlackBerry, Android and Apple gadgets, but the upshot is that the GPS-enabled app provides route planning and tracking, training log and social network for everything from walking to running to cycling.

We know every girl has her favorite activity, and it would be impossible to tackle all of the corresponding app recommendations here. If you’re learning to get your yoga on, for example, you may dig 101 Yoga Poses app, free for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad. And for girls who like to travel on two wheels, Bike Doctor ($1.99 for iPhone, iPod touch and iPad) provides diagnosis and step-by-step bike repairs so a flat tire doesn’t derail the whole commute.

Health and wellness apps

WebMD‘s free app (for iPhone and iPad) is an easy-to-use goldmine of medical info. In addition to expected features like a symptom checker and information on medical conditions, other cool components of this app include the ability to locate your nearest physician, hospital and pharmacy, and a tool that identifies prescriptions and over-the-counter pills by shape, color and imprint. And in addition to the numerous weather apps out there, some — like AccuWeather.com’s WeatherMD™ targets content to those with weather-affected ailments like asthma, arthritis and allergies.

Staying in touch with your own health is a little easier with the HeartWise app ($2.99) for iPhone, iPad and iPod touch, which allows you to record and track trends in your blood pressure, resting heart rate and weight. We also love the simple, straightforward videos on iStretch, which offers yoga stretches designed to combat the effects of repetitive motion aches and pains on our office-dwelling bodies. Soon-to-be moms can even track and share every stage of pregnancy (“morning sickness: day 23!”) with free apps like I’m Expecting.

Apps for your lifestyle

Perfect for the commute, the doctor’s office waiting room, or the girl with eco-friendly reading habits, both iBooks (free for the iPad) and Amazon.com’s Kindle app (iPhone, iPad, BlackBerry, Android) offer the ability to download and read books chosen from a library of thousands. While you’re at it, jot down notes for the upcoming book club meeting (or just sketch your Next Big Idea) with Evernote, a free app for iPhone, iPad and iPod touch that instantly syncs to your Mac or Windows desktop.

Pandora + portability = happy, happy ears. Seriously, if you haven’t yet used Pandora to build free, customized radio stations based on a genre, a group or even a single song, I want you to do three things: 1) Finish reading this article; 2) Download the free app to your iPhone, iPod touch, iPad, BlackBerry or Android; and 3) Send FGG fan mail. Not sure how to complete any of those three steps? Check Howcast for a video guide on any topic you can dream up — it’s available free for Apple products, Blackberry and Android.

Whether your “must-have” news fix comes via NPR, the Associated Press or People magazine, there’s an app for that. And iPad users with a pop culture jones will appreciate the way Entertainment Weeky’s “Must List” comes to interactive life with the free app.

Counting pennies? SuperSaver.com (free for Apple products) shows you promotions and coupons available in your area, while iGasUp (same) will steer you toward the cheapest gas prices in any location. If you do the car share thing, the Zipcar iphone app is handy for finding and reserving a vehicle. It will even allow you to lock/unlock doors or beep the horn of your car — great for remembering where you parked! After saving some money, keep the warm fuzzies going by saving a little planet, too. The iRecycle app can help you figure out where and how to recycle everything from newspapers to cell phones, while informing you of eco-friendly gatherings in your area.

Finally, several friends swear by using textPlus to stay in touch and meet new people. Available for Apple products and Android, the app allows free, unlimited texts (including group texts) from any device. No more 30-minute conference calls to decide what movie to see. Everyone wins, truly.

Apps that deserve the iPad treatment

The iPad’s big, beautiful display is just begging to show movies. Netflix members can download the free app and stream full-length movies or their favorite TV series anywhere they choose. And fans of ABC can thank the network for its gorgeous streaming viewer, stocked with full-length episodes that can be paused and resumed as the mood strikes. Looking for a (free!) diversion but not sure what you want to watch? Dailymotion lets you search more than 13 million videos from channel selections that include TV, film, sports and music.

And while some apps could only be pulled off by an iPad-size screen (the instant ambiance — or camp factor — of Fireplace HD comes to mind), others can just flat-out blow you away when given more room to do their thing. Check out the updated iPad version of Star Walk constellation finder (which Toni mentioned last time) for, um, a stellar example.

Apps just for fun

Sure, a smartphone or iPad can make you more productive or change the way you experience media and information. But the gadget’s equally (if not more) important function is that of a sleek, pricey, grown-up toy. If you’re not yet playing Words With Friends or any of the Bejeweled games, I envy your restraint. And although I’ve yet to play it, the level of addiction reported by users of the crazy-popular puzzle game Angry Birds makes me glad. . . and itchy to see what the fuss is about.

Other fun ways to indulge your inner nerd: For 99 cents, Game Table turns your iPad into a variety of classic card and board games (checkers, chess, solitaire, poker). And Sporcle provides Apple users with a dizzying array of quizzes, trivia, games and “did you know?” lists for just $1.99.

For pure brain candy (no thinking required!), there’s an app for every ridiculous concept imaginable — all you need to do is Google. (Trust me on the ridiculous part — I have a friend who stubbornly refuses to admit that More Toast is anything other than sign of the apocalypse.)

A few ideas more compelling than toast: If you’re a child of the ’80s, like me, you can relive the days of Def Leppard and Debbie Gibson via the (free) Jamboxx app’s ’80s-inspired interface, which turns your iPad into an old-school, mix tape-making boom box. Nostalgialicious! And laugh if you want, but we dare you to play Bubble Snap (free for iPhone, iPad and iPod touch) just once. There’s something inexplicably compelling and Zen-like about popping bubble wrap, whether virtually or in real-time — even without the high-score bragging rights at stake.

For me, the best part about smartphone apps is when someone taking a seemingly ordinary app and weaves it into her life in a fun and unusual way. My friend Chrissy uses iRaffle to settle disputes among her three boys. Fighting over the bionic Spiderman action figure? Punch all three kids’ names into the app and — bam! — two seconds later, there’s a winner. “I tell them you just can’t argue with science,” she says. I’m totally trying that next time we no one can pick a place for dinner.

Readers, tell us — what’s your favorite mobile application these days? How does it bring more fulfillment, variety or fun to your life?

Image by Let Ideas Compete

When I mentioned to a friend that this week’s Fat Girl’s Guide would be on dental hygiene, her initial reaction was skepticism — and a little bit of a bristle. “Why is that a topic?” she asked, “I don’t need to brush my teeth differently because I’m fat.”

She’s right, of course. The basics on brushing (twice daily, and after consuming sugary foods) don’t change based on a person’s weight. But many of us (including me!) might be surprised to learn that ongoing studies over the past five years have focused on the relationship between obesity and periodontal disease. Amazingly, something as deceptively simple as healthy gums can influence a woman’s risk for serious conditions such as diabetes and heart disease.

Despite this riveting explanation, my friend’s eyes glazed over as I spoke, until she finally proclaimed that a whole post on dental health would be “boring.” Readers, I’ll grant you that healthy gums may not seem as exiting as finding comfy undies or learning how to flirt, but we keep it real here at FGG, and that means balancing the sexy with the sensible. Right now there are just a few short paragraphs standing between you and a healthier, happier mouth. I think we’re both up for that challenge, don’t you?

Why your dental habits matter

Let’s start with a few basics. Why is the importance of brushing, flossing and visits to the dentist something that’s drilled into our heads from the time we can hold a toothbrush? (Hint: It’s not just about making sure your dragon breath doesn’t kill living creatures.)

We all know how a “morning mouth” feels – the unclean, almost furry feeling on our teeth and gums. My best friend describes this sensation by saying, “My teeth are wearing sweaters.” In language that’s a bit more technical, the “sweatery” feeling is the sticky film of plaque that has accumulated on the teeth. Caused by bacteria present in the mouth, plaque happens to everyone — young or old, fat or thin. If plaque isn’t removed daily, it hardens into yellow- or brown-colored tartar, which is more difficult to remove.

I’m admittedly not a medical expert in the field of – well, anything, really. So in writing this week’s Guide, I enlisted the professional opinion of Dr. Phyllis Cook, DDS, MPH, PA. Dr. Cook owns her own periodontal practice in North Carolina, and her first order of business was defining for me the difference between a dentist and a periodontist: Periodontists complete three years of advanced training beyond dental school, and their focus is primarily in the supporting structures of the teeth, gums and bone. A high number of the procedures she completes are restorative or reconstructive in nature, as she works on a variety of patients with periodontal disease.

What is periodontal disease?

While it may sound complicated, periodontal disease is just the technical term for gum disease (“periodontal” means “around the tooth”). Most people have heard of the mildest form of periodontal disease, gingivitis, which causes red, swollen gums that bleed easily. If gingivitis remains untreated, it can progress into periodontitis — characterized by plaque growing below the gum line, generating toxins that result in a breakdown of the surrounding gum tissue and bone.

Dr. Cook explains how gingivitis can progress to periodontitis: “When bacteria is present in the patient’s gums, the bone structure moves away from the tooth. This causes deeper pockets between the gum and bone, causing the teeth to loosen. The deeper pockets allow more bacteria to gather, escalating the disease even farther if nothing is done to manage it.”

“Periodontal disease is never cured,” she says. “It’s only managed with proper dental hygiene and routine visits for cleanings.” In short: Periodontal disease never fully goes away and can result in your teeth falling out. Two very good reasons to avoid at all costs.

Women face unique risks for periodontal disease

As women of any size, the hormonal fluctuations we experience during our lifetimes (during major life events such as puberty, pregnancy and menopause, or as a result of taking birth control) do more than affect our moods, appetites, complexions, etc. Those same hormones also cause changes in our gum tissue, which can leave us more susceptible to periodontal disease.

“When a patient is pregnant or on birth control , her gum tissues hyper-react to bacteria (plaque). The gums become swollen and bleed easily,” Dr. Cook says. Conversely, “At the more mature phase of a woman’s life, the lack of hormones can also change gum tissue and bone density. ” Since we’ve already learned how vital bone integrity is to healthy bones and teeth, it makes sense that women with lower bone density (because of osteoporosis, for example) might be at higher risk for gum disease.

How diabetes affects periodontal disease

“While being overweight does not cause diabetes, it is a leading contributor,” Dr. Cook says. “If the diabetes or glycemic index is not controlled the body does not defend effectively against the bacterial challenge of periodontal disease. Maintaining your dental health makes managing your diabetes easier.” Similarly, she says, studies have shown that if a person is managing her dental health, positive effects can be seen in the management of her diabetes.”

For overweight women currently working to manage their diabetes, as well as for women with higher risk because of weight and family history, “Good oral hygiene is critical, along with food choices that will control blood sugar levels,” according to Dr. Cook.

Gum disease increases your risk for heart disease

Are you ready for a sobering fact? Researchers have found that people with periodontal disease are almost twice as likely to suffer from coronary artery disease as those with a clean bill of dental health. Don’t see the connection? Neither did I.

“The mouth is the gateway to the body,” Dr. Cook says, “and bacteria is present in everyone’s mouth.” Those higher bacteria levels present in patients with periodontal disease mean there’s more bacteria attaching to fatty plaques inside the arteries and contributing to the clogging and blockage of arteries.

While gum disease alone doesn’t cause heart disease, Dr. Cook says, “Chronic inflammation in the body is one more contributor — just like cholesterol.” Knowing that heart disease is a leading cause of death for adult women — and that obesity increases the risk of heart disease — it makes good sense for overweight women not to compound this risk with poor dental hygiene.

Maintaining good dental health isn’t complicated

The good news is that keeping your teeth and gums healthy is far easier than sweating in the gym for hours a day. In fact, like me, you likely already know all the right stuff you should be doing. . . but don’t always accomplish.

There’s no great secret to maintaining good dental health, Dr. Cook says. The key is to create a daily routine that includes smart, healthy food choices and consistent dental hygiene. Brushing your teeth (and tongue) after every meal and flossing daily will help keep your mouth in good shape between professional cleanings. And if you’re the type of person who spends 20 minutes in the toothpaste aisle agonizing over the endless choices and recommendations, you’re stressing too much, Dr. Cook says.

“The type of toothpaste can help if it makes the patient use it more,” she says, “but it is only of benefit while it’s is being used.” The real result doesn’t come from this brand or that brand, but rather from the mechanical removal of the plaque/bacteria accomplished by brushing and flossing.

And if you slack occasionally on brushing after every single meal, be sure you don’t slack on this: “The single most important thing is to have regular cleanings and dental and gum examinations by a dentist and/or periodontist,” Dr. Cook says. These exams serve to evaluate periodontal health, allow feedback on oral hygiene and provide instruction on ways to improve one’s dental hygiene.

“Regular examinations for patients without periodontal disease should happen every six to twelve months.” If periodontal disease has been identified and treated in a patient, the frequency of “recare” (repeat visits for cleanings and check-ups) is specific to the patient and can be as frequent as every two months.

Why diet is important to dental health

“Foods high in sugar both natural sugars and refined sugars should be avoided because they contribute to tooth decay and periodontal disease,” Dr. Cook says. “When we see patients getting cavities these days, it is mostly attributed to non-diet soda or sugary mints on a very frequent basis.”

In addition to sugary drinks and mints, Dr. Cook lists non-sugar-free gum and candy, grapes, raisins (remember: high natural sugar content), and foods with high refined sugar content (like many breads) as ones that should be avoided or enjoyed in moderation. Tooth-friendly foods she’d love to see her patients consume more frequently include vegetables, proteins, milk, unsweetened dairy products, and sugar-free candy and beverages.

With a little bit of planning and a lot of diligence, maintaining good dental health is an attainable goal for almost everyone. And as someone who occasionally plays fast and loose with the notion of brushing after every meal, I’m ready to invest the few minutes a day it will take to help safeguard my long-term health. What about you?

Information from Dr. Phyllis Cook’s web site and The American Academy of Periodontology contributed to this article. For a quick and easy way to assess your own risk of periodontal disease, take the quiz found here.

kiss by chatblanc1

You know you’ve watched her.

She’s the girl at a party with a gravitational pull that effortlessly draws men into her orbit. Or the stranger on the train whose laughter fills the car two stops after she boards, delighting the random passenger sharing her seat. Maybe she’s even a friend of yours — a fellow fat girl, perhaps — and you’ve long envied her ability to meet people and generate positive interest in such a breezy, natural way.

As you watch her, the questions pop into your head, unbidden: “Just what is it about her that draws men/women/anyone with a pulse so immediately? What’s her trick?” And possibly, painfully: “No one seems to care that she’s overweight — so why is it so hard for me?”

The fact is there are two kinds of women in this world: The natural-born flirts and those of us who wish we knew their secret. Or perhaps there’s a third kind: Women who have learned to approach flirtation as a craft that may be studied and practiced, a means to expanding our social circles, a boost for our self esteem, a fun way to pass the time — or all of the above.

Flirting prep: It’s about much more than our weight

If you were expecting a separate flirting playbook for the plus-size woman, forget about it. Although some men may be more drawn to our rockin’ curves, there’s no “How to Flirt if You’re Overweight” manual. That being said, we big girls sometimes need to get out of our own way when it comes to meeting and chatting up new people.

“Flirting is an attitude — I think that’s number one,” says Fran Greene, former Director of Flirting at Match.com and author of the recently released book The Flirting Bible: Your Ultimate Photo Guide to Reading Body Language, Getting Noticed, and Meeting More People Than You Ever Thought Possible. Rather than any one specific action or technique, Greene explains, successful flirting at any size comes from being self-confident, positive and enthusiastic.

“Flirting crosses all genders, weights and sexualities,” Greene says. “It’s about your confidence and your attitude, about the way you present yourself and make the most about what you have. It’s not about being a ’10,’ but about having this air about you — a combo of chutzpah and charisma.”

“But wait!” I can almost hear some of our readers saying. “If I went through every day feeling self-confident, positive and full of chutzpah, would I require sage, thought-provoking FGG columns such as this one?” A fair point, dear readers. When I broach the issue with Greene, she suggests positive self-talk and the support of friends as tools to help get us over the confidence hump. Despite her credentials (licensed clinical social worker by training; dating and relationships counselor by practice), Greene can’t bestow the Presto Change-o Magic Bullet of Confidence, any more than I can — it just takes work and practice.

Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder/CEO of eFlirt Expert, agrees that confidence is crucial. “If you’re feeling self-conscious, choose one thing that’s awesome about you and focus on that,” she suggests. “If your mindset is on the positive, great things will come!”

Davis’s advice not only sounds like a page straight from our recent Guide to Being Irresistible — Even to Yourself, but it makes good sense, too. If the essence of flirtation is about making fun, lighthearted connections with another person so that they want to learn more about you, it helps to buy into the package you’re selling. Some of us are born with that innate feeling of fearlessness, while others just have to keep working at it. Sitting in a corner listening to an inner soundtrack that’s stuck on “I suck and have nothing clever to say” won’t encourage anyone to chat you up. Change the track, already, and fake it ’til you make it.

Great first impressions require preparation at any size

Once you’re feeling irresistible (or are headed in the right direction), the next step is ensuring your first impression backs that up. Basic attention to your appearance goes a long way toward making you appear approachable and helping maintain your own confidence levels, so don’t underestimate how far a flattering hairstyle, manicured nails, standing up straight or wearing clothes that are flattering, age- and situation-appropriate will take you.

Although our self-sabotaging voice of doubt sometimes makes us feel invisible because of our weight, Greene points out that we sometimes make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If you’re dressed sloppily, like you don’t care,” she says, “is someone not interested because you’re overweight or because you don’t care about what you’re wearing?”

If you don’t know where to begin, she suggests getting advice from a close and/or male friend or taking someone shopping with you. “A lot of time we don’t see ourselves as other people see us. Take some pictures — what you see in photos is often different from what you see in the mirror,” which can help you appreciate yourself in a way that’s hard to do in the face of three-way mirrors and fluorescent lighting.

Set the stage for flirting success

Greene is adamant about the next rule: A good flirt never leaves home without a ‘prop.’ “For someone who struggles with weight or self confidence, props are natural conversation starters,” she explains. While the idea of luring someone into a dialogue based on a material object may seem like a bit of a cheat, Greene points out that girls who choose their props wisely (i.e. something that reflects their interests, passions or hobbies) will find their personalities shining through and potentially have more substantive conversations.

So what makes a good prop? Anything that gets you noticed, says Greene: unusual jewelry, a piece of clothing that references a passion or hobby, a book or newspaper, your dog, your kids, a tote bag, your dog and kids inside the tote bag . . . you get the idea.

Flirting is really about connecting

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by thinking of flirting as a daunting or elusive skill — it’s really just a simple series of events that make and maintain connections. To begin engaging someone, you’ll need to establish meaningful eye contact. Greene recommends holding the glance slightly longer than feels necessary (about 2-4 seconds) but not long enough to become a stare. And no, throwing in a wink does not make you cheesy or cliché.

“You have to start a conversation to make it happen, not wait for someone to come to you. The best opening line is very simple — just say ‘hello.’” Talk about your surroundings, give a compliment or state an opinion. The bottom line, Greene says, is to ” just get your mouth moving.”

A smile is also key here — as necessary to flirting as air is to breathing, according to Greene — because it makes you much more approachable. You don’t need to go through the day with a creepy, Cheshire Cat grin plastered on your face, but most people avoid engaging in witty banter with a person who looks like her dog just died. Successful flirts come across as playful and lighthearted, and they display a bit of vulnerability.

“Show that you’re real and human,” Greene emphasizes. You can even poke fun at yourself, so long as you follow Toni’s advice from a recent post and joke about your actions, not your essence. That’s just what one of Greene’s clients did after living out the nightmare scenario of accidentally tucking toilet paper into the back of her dress and being laughed at. Rather than skulk and hide, the woman walked up to the guy whose pointing had made her aware of the faux pas and said, “‘I want to thank you so much for saving me from embarrassment. My name is _____.”

Everyone loves a compliment

Something to remember about flirting: It’s not just about you. “The goal is to make someone else feel good, not just talk about yourself,” Greene says. To that extent, one of her tried-and-true suggestions for launching a flirtation is to give someone a compliment. Obviously, for best results you’ll want to keep your compliments honest and sincere. But Greene also suggests varying things a bit beyond commenting on someone’s shirt or eye color.

If you’re wearing something new or you always get compliments on your smile, having a stranger comment on these things will feel good but might not be as memorable as a compliment that comes out of left field. According to Greene, commenting on someone’s pleasant speaking voice, the patience they show with their kids, or even the way they organize their supermarket cart can not only be an ice-breaker but something that sets you apart.

Sound crazy? Think back to the compliments you’ve received recently, or over your lifetime. Which ones stand out in your mind? For me, the things people compliment are pretty reliable (my writing, for example). I love these compliments; I cherish them, and they warm me each time I hear them. But twenty years later, I still remember the name of the boy who told me in ninth grade that my nose was cute — and that it happened at the bowling alley. Things that are genuine but unexpected stay with us for a reason.

Take flirtation beyond “hello”

Once you’ve established a connection, keep the exchange going by practicing active listening. Lean slightly toward the person speaking, or touch him lightly on the arm. If you’ve never tried the simple touch on the arm, you may be amazed by how well this works.

Greene also suggests changing your behavior from the role of “guest” (someone who waits for others to take the lead) to the role of “host” (one who gets noticed by making things just a bit easier for others). This shift is important because it pries you out of being passive and waiting for something to happen.

How does this work in a real-world scenario? Offer a vacant seat at your table to the person scanning the crowded coffee shop for an open table. (The flip side of this might be to make eye contact and ask a passing customer if he’ll bring you cream and sugar so you don’t have to leave your laptop sitting unattended.) At a party or social function, offer to bring back food or a drink if you’re headed to the bar. Remember: Flirting is far less complicated if you break it down into a series of actions that foster connection.

Re-purposing a rejection

No matter how positive your attitude or how skilled your approach, there are bound to be encounters that don’t go as you’d hoped. If someone isn’t interested or doesn’t respond to a flirtation in kind, it can feel very personal — like a judgment or a confirmation of your deepest fears. In these moments, it’s critical not to let one person’s disinterest rule you.

“It’s so easy to go to the worst possible place,” Greene says, “telling yourself ‘If I were only 50 pounds lighter, if I had the perfect weight or body, he’d probably like me.’ We make it about us, but we don’t take into account the other person’s issues. We never know the real reason.”

While there will always be scenarios that are less than perfect, Greene says the key is to mentally re-frame a rejection by seeing it as an opportunity. Mentally and symbolically (read: not out loud), “Tell that person ‘thank you — you’ve done me a really big favor by being honest and not causing me to waste time I could be spending on more positive experiences.’ And then let it go.” Not every two people are destined (or suited) to be together.

Davis of eFlirt Expert agrees. “Online and offline, there is dating ‘riff-raff’ — the guys who will focus on the negative and possibly try to rile you up,” she says. “Ignore the nay-sayers to keep your sanity. If you had a negative experience, he wasn’t right for you anyway.”

Plus-size flirting online

Speaking of who you might find online . . . More people are meeting via personals and other online groups, forums and social media networks these days than ever before, so improving your virtual communication chops is never a bad idea.

“Catch his attention by finding him,” recommends Davis. “Search for your perfect match and write him an awesome e-mail. Play up your strengths — for example, if you’re witty, make sure your headline is snappy.”

When writing your own online profile, steer clear of tired and vague phrases such as “I love to laugh and have fun.” Instead, use the space to make your unique combination of quirks and passions come to life: “I rely on my daily Jon Stewart fix only slightly less than my morning latte or weekly Drag Queen Bingo nights with friends.” “Letting your personality shine through . . . . will get you the best kind of attention,” Davis emphasizes.

Online or off, flirting takes practice and finding an approach and a voice that feels natural to you. For me, the challenge is all about timing; in a situation where I’m comfortable and conversation is established, it’s tempting to over-flirt. Perhaps one day I’ll muster the same type of chutzpah with strangers. In the meantime, I’ll be the freckled chick devouring historical fiction on the El, wondering if today’s the day a fellow Tudor England nerd comments on my prop — er, read.

Tell us, readers: How do you break the ice? What’s your favorite flirting anecdote — or what fears are still holding you back?

Kohl’s plus-size swimsuit from Fatshionista

If you’re anything like me, you steer far clear of the traditionally frumpy fat-girl fare of most large department stores, but aren’t necessarily ready for the studded-leather or plunging-neckline, belly-hugging lines of progressive specialty retailers either. That leaves us middle-grounders with a big gap in our shopping repertoire, which, for me, has meant clinging tightly to the few stylish and comfortable pieces I do have in my closet but rarely having anything that was very much fun.

I had passed by dozens of big, boxy Kohl’s stores over the last few years, but they reminded me so much of Sears, JC Penney and other similar stores and so I never stopped until a friend gave me a gift card last year. Once I was in, this non-shopper spent almost two hours picking through the racks of plus-size clothing that hit my sweet spot between fun and funky, stylish and tasteful. Since then I do about 75% of my clothes shopping in Kohl’s women’s plus-size section. LOVE IT.

The store carries sizes up to a 3x / size 24, and I find most of their stuff to be a flattering fit. Their plus-size brands include Adidas, Bongo, Candies, Croft & Barrow, Daisy Fuentes, Danskin, Dockers, Sag Harbor, Sonoma and about a dozen more. If you don’t have a Kohl’s near you, you can still enjoy their plus size yummy goodness via online shopping at Kohls.com.

Readers, if you’ve got any experience with Kohl’s or other larger department stores that have surprised you, share it with us here!

The mission: To blend in here (image by YoTut)

One of the best parts of receiving FGG reader mail is that it gives us a glimpse into how diverse your lives and interests are. In recent weeks, we’ve fielded questions on everything from cycling to sundresses to tennis clothes. And this week it’s all about Vegas, baby!

I have a bachelorette party coming up for my good friend, and it is going to be at Wet Republic at MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I have nothing but thinner friends who can walk around in bikinis and heels . . . . I’m a size 16 and I can’t seem to find a suit and a cover-up that makes me feel sexy like my friends look in their bikinis. Any tips on where to shop? I want to look stylish and be comfortable in a [swim]suit in a public place like that.

Before launching into shopping suggestions, let’s take a moment to acknowledge your decision to attend the bachelorette party with your friends, despite the concerns you’re having. Publicly wearing a swimsuit as an overweight woman can be enough of a mental challenge even before factoring in the club vibe of Wet Republic. Your decision not to let your weight dictate whether you attend, but rather to seek a way to rock your own killer curves at the celebration is what FGG is all about. Good for you, girl!

Sexy full-figured swimwear

Now the fun part: shopping! If you haven’t already read through our recent Guide to Figure-Flattering Swimwear, it’s a great place to begin getting ideas for fun, trendy swimwear in plus sizes (including some sexy swim dress looks). We also recently answered another reader’s question about plus-size sarongs.

Both posts offer a mixed bag of finds, both practical and sexy. With your specific goal of blending into bikini-land in mind, what about a one-shoulder design from Monif C.? The single-shoulder look is hot this season, and the suit still provides plenty of coverage, as well as the option to show more or less leg, depending on your mood. (For more secure bust support, you can add the optional second shoulder strap.)

For a bikini-like feel with more stomach coverage, check out the plus-size offerings from Bikini Sunshine. Their two-piece suits are ordered as separates, so you can mix and match for the best size combination of top (cup sizes A/B through DDD) and bottom (sizes up to 18). We were drawn to both the black matte and purple babydoll tankini styles, in particular.

FGG editorial also admits to an ongoing love affair with the suits from Pinup Girl Clothing. Several of their styles come in plus sizes (up to size 20) and they’re bold, colorful and sexy in ways that celebrate the curves not all bikini bods can boast. Frankly, should you opt for the new vintage-inspired sheath suit (in red, black or gold), it wouldn’t shock us if your bikini-clad friends envied you.

Choosing a stylish cover-up to match

The cover-up you reach for will likely depend on the cut of your suit, but there’s just enough flounce and movement in this bandeau, waterfall-style design (sizes 1X-3X, Always For Me) to help you feel sexy without being over-exposed. If that’s not your style, the same site offers plenty of other options, including flirty skirts with tummy control (1X-3X) to babydoll dresses in multiple colors (2X-3X). Or, you could go for sexy and simple by pairing a georgette sarong (1X-2X, Swimsuits Just For Us) with the Rio De Janeiro Twist Bandeau suit from Always For Me. Available in four colors and sizes ranging from 16W-26W, this gorgeous, curve-hugging suit is just begging for a trip to Vegas.

Whatever look you choose, be sure to read Peony’s thoughts on swimsuit socializing before hitting the pool, and remember that confidence is the sexiest accessory of all. Have fun and keep us posted!

Ladies: What fat-girl phobias have you conquered so far this summer? Tell us about the activity or social gathering you braved — or suggest another great pool-party fashion for this reader.

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

The challenge: fitting a bra under this adorable dress (image via SWAKdesigns.com)

Hi, FGG! I love the comfort and ease of sundresses, but they always leave me feeling over-exposed in the bust. Do bra-friendly sundresses exist? I can’t spend the summer in sleeves!

Lightweight, airy and relatively inexpensive, sundresses are pure summertime comfort and can provide welcome relief from the heat. Equally appealing is the garment’s versatility, which makes it a great choice for a anything from running errands with the kids to meeting friends for brunch or drinks. But what happens when a full-figured woman has too much up top to feel comfortable with strappy, sometimes minimal coverage across her bust? Fortunately, no one needs to sweat all summer in sleeves if she doesn’t want to! Check out some of the styles we located and see if you don’t feel cool breezes hitting you already.

Wide-strap sundresses

Being a busty girl myself, I often find myself spending a summertime morning commute coveting the spaghetti-strap dresses worn by those around me. Unfortunately, wispy little dress ties don’t mesh well with the substantial, inch-wide bra straps required to secure my boobs — and those of many a well-endowed reader. While it’s sometimes a little trickier to find cute sundresses that incorporate wider straps without looking frumpy, the volume of plus-size offerings this season is impressive. From wrap-style tops to simple V-necks to straight-across necklines with tank straps, most retailers like Avenue, Ashley Stewart, JCPenney and Old Navy (plus sizes online only) include a handful of thicker-strapped options in their summer lines.

Finding the right bustline coverage

Wide straps don’t always provide a flattering fit on their own. Unless you’re planning to do some bra shopping, make sure you pick dresses that will fit your chest in a flattering way and mesh well with the bra silhouettes you prefer to wear. For example, if you have a drawer stuffed with full-coverage bras with teardrop-shaped cups, a boxy dress neckline probably won’t be a good fit. Instead, try a dress style with higher, fuller coverage on top (or pair the straight-across neckline with a balconette bra). Dresses with deep V-necks may require a plunge bra. And don’t forget to check the view from the back to make sure you’re covered, and choose a bra color that works with your dress whenever possible (i.e. don’t wear a red bra under a green dress unless you want it to be seen. Trust me.)

Beyond bra style, consider the shape and characteristics of your chest; a large bust does not always equal bodice-filling cleavage, something I can sadly verify from experience. Despite year after year of disappointing fitting room adventures, I refuse to learn my lesson and remain hopelessly obsessed with deeply V-necked wrap styles. Where scores of other women with my measurements would look like knockouts in the same dress, plunging vees like these only emphasize the separation between my boobs (not to mention their stubborn adherence to this thing called “gravity”). All in all, not the best look for me; I’ve learned that a scooped neckline like this one creates more natural-looking cleavage. But if you’re built like me and crave the vee, take heart–we just need an equally cute dress with a neckline that lands a little higher on our chest–Done.

Finally, if you’re still dying to wear a spaghetti-strap, halter or tube-style dress (Torrid has several, as does Old Navy), maybe now is the right time to experiment with strapless or convertible bras. Check out last week’s “Ask FGG” for suggestions on how to lose (or rearrange) the bra straps without compromising on support. Or if you simply must wear your favorite bra or feel too exposed in traditional sundresses, this recent Ask FGG on adding sleeves to summer dresses might help. Honestly, it’s a good thing I’m broke and cut off from shopping, or I’d be digging out the old, ill-fitting strapless bra to wear under this Lane Bryant tie-front dress. Will someone please order this dress in Andorra brown and give it a good home and the diva curves it deserves? Thanks in advance, readers!

Learn more about dressing to flatter a larger chest, or share your favorite sundress finds in the comments.

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Psst! Have you given the FGG team your two cents yet for a chance to win a $20 Walmart gift card? More here.

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