The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Sometimes the answer is obvious: Cut your losses and move on.
(image by stevenvanwel)

Dear FGG,

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We’re not exclusive or anything, and he’s kind of fun to be with. But almost from the beginning of our relationship, he’s been critical of my appearance, particularly my weight. He’s always making little comments about how thin people behave or remarking on how much better my clothes would fit if I’d join a gym and shed a few pounds. What’s really funny is that he has a bit of a belly and love handles, but I don’t mind stuff like that. The other night at dinner, he actually asked if I should be eating a salad instead of hamburger! I really liked him at first, but these comments are getting old fast. Should I stick it out and let him get to know me and see if he’ll accept me the way that I am?

No.

kiss by chatblanc1

You know you’ve watched her.

She’s the girl at a party with a gravitational pull that effortlessly draws men into her orbit. Or the stranger on the train whose laughter fills the car two stops after she boards, delighting the random passenger sharing her seat. Maybe she’s even a friend of yours — a fellow fat girl, perhaps — and you’ve long envied her ability to meet people and generate positive interest in such a breezy, natural way.

As you watch her, the questions pop into your head, unbidden: “Just what is it about her that draws men/women/anyone with a pulse so immediately? What’s her trick?” And possibly, painfully: “No one seems to care that she’s overweight — so why is it so hard for me?”

The fact is there are two kinds of women in this world: The natural-born flirts and those of us who wish we knew their secret. Or perhaps there’s a third kind: Women who have learned to approach flirtation as a craft that may be studied and practiced, a means to expanding our social circles, a boost for our self esteem, a fun way to pass the time — or all of the above.

Flirting prep: It’s about much more than our weight

If you were expecting a separate flirting playbook for the plus-size woman, forget about it. Although some men may be more drawn to our rockin’ curves, there’s no “How to Flirt if You’re Overweight” manual. That being said, we big girls sometimes need to get out of our own way when it comes to meeting and chatting up new people.

“Flirting is an attitude — I think that’s number one,” says Fran Greene, former Director of Flirting at Match.com and author of the recently released book The Flirting Bible: Your Ultimate Photo Guide to Reading Body Language, Getting Noticed, and Meeting More People Than You Ever Thought Possible. Rather than any one specific action or technique, Greene explains, successful flirting at any size comes from being self-confident, positive and enthusiastic.

“Flirting crosses all genders, weights and sexualities,” Greene says. “It’s about your confidence and your attitude, about the way you present yourself and make the most about what you have. It’s not about being a ’10,’ but about having this air about you — a combo of chutzpah and charisma.”

“But wait!” I can almost hear some of our readers saying. “If I went through every day feeling self-confident, positive and full of chutzpah, would I require sage, thought-provoking FGG columns such as this one?” A fair point, dear readers. When I broach the issue with Greene, she suggests positive self-talk and the support of friends as tools to help get us over the confidence hump. Despite her credentials (licensed clinical social worker by training; dating and relationships counselor by practice), Greene can’t bestow the Presto Change-o Magic Bullet of Confidence, any more than I can — it just takes work and practice.

Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder/CEO of eFlirt Expert, agrees that confidence is crucial. “If you’re feeling self-conscious, choose one thing that’s awesome about you and focus on that,” she suggests. “If your mindset is on the positive, great things will come!”

Davis’s advice not only sounds like a page straight from our recent Guide to Being Irresistible — Even to Yourself, but it makes good sense, too. If the essence of flirtation is about making fun, lighthearted connections with another person so that they want to learn more about you, it helps to buy into the package you’re selling. Some of us are born with that innate feeling of fearlessness, while others just have to keep working at it. Sitting in a corner listening to an inner soundtrack that’s stuck on “I suck and have nothing clever to say” won’t encourage anyone to chat you up. Change the track, already, and fake it ’til you make it.

Great first impressions require preparation at any size

Once you’re feeling irresistible (or are headed in the right direction), the next step is ensuring your first impression backs that up. Basic attention to your appearance goes a long way toward making you appear approachable and helping maintain your own confidence levels, so don’t underestimate how far a flattering hairstyle, manicured nails, standing up straight or wearing clothes that are flattering, age- and situation-appropriate will take you.

Although our self-sabotaging voice of doubt sometimes makes us feel invisible because of our weight, Greene points out that we sometimes make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If you’re dressed sloppily, like you don’t care,” she says, “is someone not interested because you’re overweight or because you don’t care about what you’re wearing?”

If you don’t know where to begin, she suggests getting advice from a close and/or male friend or taking someone shopping with you. “A lot of time we don’t see ourselves as other people see us. Take some pictures — what you see in photos is often different from what you see in the mirror,” which can help you appreciate yourself in a way that’s hard to do in the face of three-way mirrors and fluorescent lighting.

Set the stage for flirting success

Greene is adamant about the next rule: A good flirt never leaves home without a ‘prop.’ “For someone who struggles with weight or self confidence, props are natural conversation starters,” she explains. While the idea of luring someone into a dialogue based on a material object may seem like a bit of a cheat, Greene points out that girls who choose their props wisely (i.e. something that reflects their interests, passions or hobbies) will find their personalities shining through and potentially have more substantive conversations.

So what makes a good prop? Anything that gets you noticed, says Greene: unusual jewelry, a piece of clothing that references a passion or hobby, a book or newspaper, your dog, your kids, a tote bag, your dog and kids inside the tote bag . . . you get the idea.

Flirting is really about connecting

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by thinking of flirting as a daunting or elusive skill — it’s really just a simple series of events that make and maintain connections. To begin engaging someone, you’ll need to establish meaningful eye contact. Greene recommends holding the glance slightly longer than feels necessary (about 2-4 seconds) but not long enough to become a stare. And no, throwing in a wink does not make you cheesy or cliché.

“You have to start a conversation to make it happen, not wait for someone to come to you. The best opening line is very simple — just say ‘hello.’” Talk about your surroundings, give a compliment or state an opinion. The bottom line, Greene says, is to ” just get your mouth moving.”

A smile is also key here — as necessary to flirting as air is to breathing, according to Greene — because it makes you much more approachable. You don’t need to go through the day with a creepy, Cheshire Cat grin plastered on your face, but most people avoid engaging in witty banter with a person who looks like her dog just died. Successful flirts come across as playful and lighthearted, and they display a bit of vulnerability.

“Show that you’re real and human,” Greene emphasizes. You can even poke fun at yourself, so long as you follow Toni’s advice from a recent post and joke about your actions, not your essence. That’s just what one of Greene’s clients did after living out the nightmare scenario of accidentally tucking toilet paper into the back of her dress and being laughed at. Rather than skulk and hide, the woman walked up to the guy whose pointing had made her aware of the faux pas and said, “‘I want to thank you so much for saving me from embarrassment. My name is _____.”

Everyone loves a compliment

Something to remember about flirting: It’s not just about you. “The goal is to make someone else feel good, not just talk about yourself,” Greene says. To that extent, one of her tried-and-true suggestions for launching a flirtation is to give someone a compliment. Obviously, for best results you’ll want to keep your compliments honest and sincere. But Greene also suggests varying things a bit beyond commenting on someone’s shirt or eye color.

If you’re wearing something new or you always get compliments on your smile, having a stranger comment on these things will feel good but might not be as memorable as a compliment that comes out of left field. According to Greene, commenting on someone’s pleasant speaking voice, the patience they show with their kids, or even the way they organize their supermarket cart can not only be an ice-breaker but something that sets you apart.

Sound crazy? Think back to the compliments you’ve received recently, or over your lifetime. Which ones stand out in your mind? For me, the things people compliment are pretty reliable (my writing, for example). I love these compliments; I cherish them, and they warm me each time I hear them. But twenty years later, I still remember the name of the boy who told me in ninth grade that my nose was cute — and that it happened at the bowling alley. Things that are genuine but unexpected stay with us for a reason.

Take flirtation beyond “hello”

Once you’ve established a connection, keep the exchange going by practicing active listening. Lean slightly toward the person speaking, or touch him lightly on the arm. If you’ve never tried the simple touch on the arm, you may be amazed by how well this works.

Greene also suggests changing your behavior from the role of “guest” (someone who waits for others to take the lead) to the role of “host” (one who gets noticed by making things just a bit easier for others). This shift is important because it pries you out of being passive and waiting for something to happen.

How does this work in a real-world scenario? Offer a vacant seat at your table to the person scanning the crowded coffee shop for an open table. (The flip side of this might be to make eye contact and ask a passing customer if he’ll bring you cream and sugar so you don’t have to leave your laptop sitting unattended.) At a party or social function, offer to bring back food or a drink if you’re headed to the bar. Remember: Flirting is far less complicated if you break it down into a series of actions that foster connection.

Re-purposing a rejection

No matter how positive your attitude or how skilled your approach, there are bound to be encounters that don’t go as you’d hoped. If someone isn’t interested or doesn’t respond to a flirtation in kind, it can feel very personal — like a judgment or a confirmation of your deepest fears. In these moments, it’s critical not to let one person’s disinterest rule you.

“It’s so easy to go to the worst possible place,” Greene says, “telling yourself ‘If I were only 50 pounds lighter, if I had the perfect weight or body, he’d probably like me.’ We make it about us, but we don’t take into account the other person’s issues. We never know the real reason.”

While there will always be scenarios that are less than perfect, Greene says the key is to mentally re-frame a rejection by seeing it as an opportunity. Mentally and symbolically (read: not out loud), “Tell that person ‘thank you — you’ve done me a really big favor by being honest and not causing me to waste time I could be spending on more positive experiences.’ And then let it go.” Not every two people are destined (or suited) to be together.

Davis of eFlirt Expert agrees. “Online and offline, there is dating ‘riff-raff’ — the guys who will focus on the negative and possibly try to rile you up,” she says. “Ignore the nay-sayers to keep your sanity. If you had a negative experience, he wasn’t right for you anyway.”

Plus-size flirting online

Speaking of who you might find online . . . More people are meeting via personals and other online groups, forums and social media networks these days than ever before, so improving your virtual communication chops is never a bad idea.

“Catch his attention by finding him,” recommends Davis. “Search for your perfect match and write him an awesome e-mail. Play up your strengths — for example, if you’re witty, make sure your headline is snappy.”

When writing your own online profile, steer clear of tired and vague phrases such as “I love to laugh and have fun.” Instead, use the space to make your unique combination of quirks and passions come to life: “I rely on my daily Jon Stewart fix only slightly less than my morning latte or weekly Drag Queen Bingo nights with friends.” “Letting your personality shine through . . . . will get you the best kind of attention,” Davis emphasizes.

Online or off, flirting takes practice and finding an approach and a voice that feels natural to you. For me, the challenge is all about timing; in a situation where I’m comfortable and conversation is established, it’s tempting to over-flirt. Perhaps one day I’ll muster the same type of chutzpah with strangers. In the meantime, I’ll be the freckled chick devouring historical fiction on the El, wondering if today’s the day a fellow Tudor England nerd comments on my prop — er, read.

Tell us, readers: How do you break the ice? What’s your favorite flirting anecdote — or what fears are still holding you back?

Reunions call for writing your own Cinderella story.
(Image by Molmanik)

Dear FGG,

I have two reunions coming up this summer: a family reunion, and my 15th high-school reunion. Most of the people that will be at both of those remember me as a cute, slim girl just out of high school/college. Now I’m pushing 300 lbs and am DREADING the shocked and embarrassed-for-me looks I’m sure I’ll get. I don’t want to cancel, I’m excited to see a lot of the friends and family I’ve been missing, but it’s making me sick. Any advice?

This is a tough one. We’ve all known someone who starved or took diuretics in order to squeeze herself into a dress for a high school reunion–behavior we at FGG would definitely place in the “Don’t” column. Or perhaps you helped a friend decide whether she really can go home again when facing an extended family gathering. There’s a reason for this sort of anxiety: fear of the unknown. What will people think of us? Will we be judged–or worse, will people gawk and laugh, or gloat? No matter how far these worries may be from reality, they feel real in our minds. But in my experience, our fears over how we’ll be perceived because of our size often don’t come to life. Here are some quick tips to help you push past that anxiety and attend these milestone events with your head held high:

* Grab a girlfriend or two and make a day of finding an event-appropriate outfit that looks and feels fantastic on you. Bring pals who will give an honest assessment on whether that cocktail dress really does make your ass look fat without making you feel deflated but will also whoop and holler when you’ve found The One in the dressing room. Even if you’re attending a casual family picnic three states away, find a cute summer dress or flattering tee and skort. Why? Clothing that fits and flatters not only makes you look great, but if you feel comfortable and confident, you’ll feel less worried.

* Make an appointment at a salon or spa and sign on for every beauty treatment that you’ve been putting off: hair, nails, wax–the works. Yes, you’re beautiful just the way you are, but being made-over makes us feel special, and the fresh look will give you a boost of self-confidence that can make a big difference when you greet everyone. Don’t go for anything too drastic (or at least untested) here; the key is to feel beautiful, not regret that brassy color that seemed like a good idea at the time or fret over too-short bangs.

* Decide whether to bring a date. My husband and I didn’t attend each other’s high school reunions; with all that “remember when” talk, we figured it would be merciful to each other to go solo. While not everyone feels that way, it’s up to you to decide whether having someone who’s 100% in your corner will help you feel more comfortable. Family reunions are a different story, dependent upon how (dys)functional your particular clan is likely to be and how well a date or spouse will fit into that mix.

* Don’t mention your weight. Period. Odds are nobody will comment on it, at least not to your face. And if they dish behind your back, you likely won’t hear it anyway, and what you don’t hear can’t hurt you. I attended my 20th high school reunion weighing 100 pounds more than the year I graduated. I’d just had my third son, my hair was another color and texture (what can I say? I fell prey to the unfortunate ’80s perm trend), and nobody recognized me until they read my name beside my yearbook photo. And you know what? I survived. It wasn’t easy, but people were every bit as excited to see me whether I looked like I did then or a supermodel, and not a single person remarked on my appearance.

* Don’t do the “fat girl who makes jokes about herself to deflect from her appearance” thing. Follow the “if you can’t say something nice about yourself” rule at all times. Why? I’m the queen of using humor in any situation, from uncomfortable to cozy, but here’s an important distinction: I make fun of my actions, not my essence. I believe we take away from ourselves if we tear ourselves down, even in jest. And most people are aware that self-deprecating fat jokes are usually used to mask some deep insecurities. It only makes you and everyone else more uncomfortable deep down.

* Prepare a response to any intrusive or rude remarks before attending. Some people don’t have an internal filter, some people are just blunt, or insensitive, or just plain rude. This is often the case with family, where people sometimes feel they can throw down the “You’d be so pretty if . . . ” chestnut unchallenged, all under the guise of being “helpful.” Of course, this is a case-by-case situation, but if you know (or are afraid) a high school bully hasn’t changed and is likely to say something hurtful or your Aunt Betty will be pushing you to join Weight Watchers, have a response planned. Keep it neutral, calm, and don’t leave it open to argument; this keeps you from feeding any potential drama. To send a subtle message, try ignoring the comment and changing the subject. If you’re feeling bold, try, “I’d rather focus on enjoying myself and the reunion than sit and pick apart how we’ve all gone downhill.” If you’re dealing with someone who’s not good with subtleties then a flat, “Thanks for your opinion, but I didn’t ask for it” ought to do the trick.

Everyone wants to look and feel their best when seeing friends or loved ones after several years or even decades have passed, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But underneath that surface anxiety about our appearance, what truly matters is the sense of connection we feel with the people in attendance–whether you had dozens of besties or a carefully chosen inner circle. Chances are you’d regret not going more than you’ll end up regretting going, and as we all know, life doesn’t hand out very many do-overs.

Girls, have you attended (or skipped) a reunion recently that kicked up feelings of anxiety about your weight? Tells us about it in the comments.

On the approach to Reno’s 8,300-foot Peavine Peak

If we’re talking semantics, I’ve always been more of a trekker than a hiker. I love a long, flat or gently-rolling surface, and even at a size 24 I could walk and walk all day until the shoes disintegrated off my feet. I’ve planned whole trips around the proximity of long, lonely walking paths. For me, distance walking in the wild is a sacred, special thing.

But add any substantial elevation to that, and funny things would start happening. My monkey mind kicked in, throwing out a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t/couldn’t do it: I’m not strong enough. I’ll overheat. I’ll get out of breath too fast. I’ll be stuck up there and nobody will know where I am and the rescue crews won’t find my body until it’s been picked over by ravens and coyotes!

And so it was that in my 39 years I had never climbed a mountain. Then I met my husband. My husband the mountain climber. He was fit, he was adventurous, and he loved the idea of us exploring every canyon and scaling every mountain together. Which meant the whole time we were dating all I could think was, “Crap, crap, crap.”

Deep down, though, I really wanted to do those things together too, so I spent several years discouraged that climbing mountains would have to wait (at least that’s what I assumed back then) until I had shed about 100 pounds.

But a life-changing year last year gave me the guts and strength and attitude shift I needed to tackle it now, no matter how slow I’d go or how many modifications I had to make to get to the top. And I had the perfect beginner mountain in mind: Peavine Peak, an 8,300-foot mountain that towers over the Reno skyline. A simple, non-technical day climb, and while it was small conquest by mountain-climber standards, it was a symbolic achievement by mine.

Making it to the top of that mountain was difficult, challenging in ways I didn’t expect, and there were several moments that I had to wave away what the hell am I doing up here? thoughts. But I did it, and it felt so incredible that I regretted waiting all those years under false assumptions to do it. A few weeks later I took a group of friends – ranging from 130 to 280 pounds – out there with me to do it again.

Now I want to challenge each of you to give it a try yourself. Even if you never set foot on a mountain slope again, the sense of achievement in knowing you have climbed one from bottom to top and back again is something every woman should experience at least once in their lives.

Today’s guide will focus on a beginner mountain climb, which is to say an easily walked-up mountain by way of an established trail or service road that requires no technical gear or expertise (i.e., an intense hike that leads to a peak), then down the road we’ll add intermediate and advanced guides for the daring among you. If you’ve been hiking in challenging conditions before, you can skip right to today’s guide. If not, we recommend reviewing that post, as well as our other posts on hiking (hot-weather hiking part 1 and part 2, and cold-weather hiking) for a good primer, or a refresher if it’s been awhile.

Preparing for your first climb: training body and mind

Let’s be realistic: being overweight doesn’t mean we have to miss out on all the things that fit men and women can do, but for most of us it does mean we have to understand our bodies and be smart about its limitations, make some modifications where necessary, and go at our own pace. Most of us aren’t going to be able to hop up from a sedentary lifestyle and climb straight up even a walk-up mountain, so it’s important to gauge what shape you’re in and what you’ll need to work on to get primed for a beginner climb.

Remember: true physical fitness has less to do with the numbers on your scale and much more to do with your underlying muscle tone, flexibility, and cardiopulmonary health. We’ve all met the 250-pound powerhouse that never slows down, and the 150-pound couch potato that circles the parking lot for 30 minutes just to get the closest spot. So let your doc know what you’re thinking of doing and if he/she has any concerns they’ll say so, but otherwise forget about those nagging numbers on the scale and focus more on how you feel when you’re being active. If you’re easily winded while walking more than short distances, or the thought of climbing stairs sends you packing in the other direction, start by working on your endurance with those things first. So what if it takes six months to prepare to climb that mountain? It’ll be there when you’re ready.

Once you feel like you’re ready to step it up, here are some things you can do to prepare for the specific challenges of getting to the top of your mountain.

1. Take a short hike every weekend for a month or two, and go a little farther each time. Pick hikes that have varying terrain, and choose progressively harder hikes that keep you going uphill longer once you’ve mastered the easier trails.

2. Kick up the incline on your treadmill. Climbing isn’t about speed, so notch your speed down to 2.5, or lower if you need to, and kick your incline up to at least 4 or 5 percent if you’re not used to having one. Each time, increase your incline by 2 percent over the last time. Stay at your max incline for 10-15 minutes, then take it down about 2 percent every minute until you’re at zero again. Try to work up to being comfortable at a 10-15 percent incline before you go tackle your mountain.

3. Climb stairs every opportunity you get, even if you have to take it slow. If you’ve got stairs in your home or at school or work, every time you climb up, go down and climb up one more time before moving on. You’ll be surprised how fast you’ll start to feel changes after doing this for a week or two.

4. Get on a bicycle and practice on some low hills, progressing to steeper hills as your endurance improves. Biking might not seem like a natural prep activity for climbing, but it works both the quads and the heart: the two things you’ll rely on most during your climb.

5. Join a gym and make use of equipment like Jacob’s Ladder, stair climbers and striders. These machines all emulate “vertical feet,” and are great training for any activity with a sustained incline. A trainer can show you the what, where, how and for how long of a good pre-climbing training program.

6. Get your ankles in good, sturdy shape. Serial ankle twisters/sprainers will definitely want to work on gaining strength and stability before tackling a mountain ascent and descent. If you’ve had surgery or other medical treatment for your ankles or feet, check with your doc for recommendations. If your ankles feel weak and prone to rolling but have no other medical issues, you can do a few simple exercises to help strengthen them (including those that improve the neural connections between your brain and your ankle tissue, which has been shown to be a significant factor in some cases). Check out our guide to stronger ankles for more.

7. Choose your mountain wisely. For your first time out, keep the elevation gain to less than 3,000 feet spread out over no less than 5-6 miles each way. Less than that and the climb quickly becomes steep and laborious, and even slippery depending on the quality of the trail. You want challenging, you don’t want demoralizing! Search for other hiker’s/climber’s notes about the mountain before you go on sites like Summit Post or GORP. Make sure it’s a climb that someone going slowly can do (and get back) in about 6-8 hours, and start early. Descending a mountain is tough enough without doing it in the dark.

8. Mind the altitude. If you’ll be climbing a mountain on which the trailhead starts at an elevation more than 2,000 feet higher than you normally spend time at, do some shorter pre-climb hikes at that altitude before taking on the full monty. Get plenty of sleep in the days leading up to your climb, drink lots of water, and avoid alcohol and caffeine for at least 24 hours before starting out. Know the signs of altitude sickness, and if you think you or anyone in your party may be experiencing it, stop immediately and head back down.

9. Tell someone where you’re going and when you plan to be back. If possible, let them know the route you plan to take or at the very least where you plan to start out. The service may be spotty, but bring a cell phone if you can. If there are multiple people in your party at different fitness levels (and therefore likely to be going at different speeds), bring basic walkie-talkies with freshly-charged batteries.

Also be sure to keep a close eye on what the weather will be like on the day you’ve chosen. Too hot and you’ll slog along feeling oppressed and possibly dehydrated. Too cold (and not dressed for it) and you’ll waste all your energy shivering and be tempted to turn back, especially as you get closer to the top, where wind can pick up significantly and temperatures can drop as much as 20 degrees even on smaller peaks. DO NOT attempt a climb if there’s a chance of thunderstorms at any time that you plan to be on the mountain.

On the mountain: what to bring

Once you’ve picked and researched your mountain, whipped your ankles into shape and done some training for incline walking, you’re ready to pack for your trip! For a day trip on a walk-up mountain you’ll only need a few things, but each are critical.

1. Plenty of water. I can’t stress this enough. Running short of water will not only make your trip miserable in warmer weather, it can be life threatening if you push too long and hard without it. In average summer temperatures (between 75-85), bring a liter of water for each person for every 2-3 hours you plan to be out. More if it’s hotter and more dry, a little bit less is OK if it’s cool and moist. If you run out of water on your way up the mountain, turn back. It’s not worth the potential risk.

2. Solid hiking boots with good traction. You don’t want tennis shoes, sandals, or even trail runners here. Your boots should fit well and have good ankle support, sturdy construction and lots of knobby (“lug”) tread on the soles. Without good traction you risk slipping, and you’ll almost certainly find that in some places, every step forward is followed by a short slide back. That’s a waste of energy and time, and will wear you out long before you get to the top. Related: microfiber sport socks make a big difference in how your feet feel post-hike.

3. Snacks or a lunch. For most of us, snacks aren’t an absolutely necessity as long as you have enough water, but they sure can make the difference in how you feel and whether or not you have the energy to keep going (though if you’re diabetic, they’re a must). Trail mix, granola bars, peanut butter crackers, fruit…all great choices. Avoid extra sugary foods that bring a crash later on. A light, gourmet picnic lunch at the top will not only make you feel pretty good going down, it’s also fun to do… and a nice reward for your hard work.

4. Sunscreen. Like water, don’t go without enough of it. In most cases you’ll be exposed for a good part of the climb, and you’ll be at altitude, a sizzling combination. As is the case with most burns, you won’t likely notice you’re getting crispy until it’s too late. Avoid several painful days following the climb, bad memories, and, of course, a risk of skin cancer, by loading yourself up with sweat-proof sunscreen before you start out, and carrying it with you for re-application as necessary.

5. A camera and/or journal. Self-explanatory! Your journey will be impressive both visually and psychologically. Document both while they’re fresh. This is something you’ll remember forever, and will probably want to show everyone you know.

6. Layers of clothing. Even if your mountain is fairly small, you may experience temperature variations that make layers a good idea. In warm weather, a light, short-sleeved t-shirt and shorts is great to start in, but bring a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of light pants for the cooler (and sometimes downright cold) weather you can expect closer to the top.

7. A GPS, map or compass. Unless the trail is well-marked and easy to follow, bring a GPS, map or compass and know how to use it. Most smaller mountains will have fairly visible trails or even service roads, but if there’s more than one, or things get confusing, you’ll want to be able to find your way back on track easily.

8. A comfortable day pack. A small hiker’s backpack that fits your water, snacks, sunscreen, phone, GPS, layers, and camera/journal, but isn’t so big that it’s floppy with empty space beyond those things, is ideal. The better it sits on your hips the more weightless it will feel, and it’s worth springing for a pack that fastens around your waist and across your chest for extra support and stability. Don’t try to carry your stuff up by hand.

On the mountain: what to expect

Most mountains have an approach, a section or sections of flanks/ridges, and a peak. What to expect will depend to a large degree on the terrain of your particular mountain – you might have a sprawling mountain with a long, arduous approach and a short-and-sweet peak section, or you might have a conical mountain that throws you into the incline almost immediately and gets you up there fast – but some things will be true across the board.

1. It’s going to be hard. That’s OK, it’s supposed to be hard. There’s a myth out there that we’re not supposed to be sweaty and breathing heavy and feeling tired and sore, that we should avoid those things, that they’re not good for us. And so we panic or give up and turn back at the first inkling of any of them thinking we’ve saved ourselves, thinking we need to be in better shape to try something like this.

Not so.

Our bodies are meant to work hard for us. Breathing heavy, as long as we’re not out of breath entirely, is good for us. It increases our lung and heart capacity over time, and in the moment it supplies oxygen for our bloodstream and muscles to use to power us up farther. Sweating, as long as we’re not overheating or dehydrating, is good for us. It rids the bodies of impurities, acts as a cooling fan, and, for those counting, it means you’re burning some serious calories. And being tired and sore, as long as we don’t feel faint or weak or in pain, just means we’re working hard and building up our strength and stamina. So don’t be discouraged or afraid when you’re feeling like you’re working awfully hard. That’s the idea, and that’s what makes standing on that peak looking down at how far you’ve come so sweet.

2. At some point you’re probably going to feel like giving up. I did, many times, and so did many of the new climbers I was with. It’s a natural reaction to anything new and difficult, but you can minimize it by reminding yourself that it’s normal, taking frequent breaks (but not long enough for your heart to return to its resting rate), slowing your pace down just a little bit, finding shade if you’re feeling hot, and keeping your eye on the prize (the peak), and thinking of the trip in small sections vs. an entire mountain. As I neared the top, I was so exhausted I had to promise myself I’d just make it to that flower or rock or patch of grass I could see just a few steps ahead. And then I did that again, and again. And I got up that mountain literally one step at a time. That might sound tedious, but it kept me going and got me to that peak.

3. You may come across sections that require the use of your hands. While your beginner mountain should never require the use of climbing ropes or crampons or other gear, you may have rocky or steep sections to traverse that slow you down, make you stop and think about every step, and, in some cases, require you to use your hands to get around obstacles. If there’s an established trail these shouldn’t be too numerous or too difficult. Take it slow, watch your step, find solid places to grip, and remember that the more challenging it is, the more rewarding it is.

4. At the top, you may experience intense levels of euphoria. Not only have you done something incredible with your body, achieved something you may have never thought you could do, been somewhere most people will never go and been rewarded with a fantastic view – OMG, you’re done climbing. The moment you realize that, as in child birth, most of the holy crap what the hell was I thinking? memories fade immediately, to be replaced by feelings of pride and accomplishment and even, dare I say, an irrational but nonetheless deserved well that wasn’t so bad or two. Savor this moment. Capture it in a way that facilitates bragging to friends, family and strangers.

5. Getting down is not necessarily the easy part. Descending is a different kind of difficult. Your heart rate is back to normal, your quads are no longer on fire, you won’t be sweating as much, you won’t need as much water, and chances are the trip down will be a whole lot faster than the trip up. But your feet, and for some, your knees…how they will suffer enough to make up for it.

Good boots and socks can mitigate foot soreness to a large degree, but even with the best of those, unless it was a short, easy hike to the top, you’re likely to feel some foot discomfort one the way down. Rocks and loose gravel can make us unconsciously stiffen our feet up to keep ourselves steady on steep declines, and just the act of all that walking alone will wear them out. If you’ve got cranky joints, you’re likely to feel the impact on your knees for a few days. Both of these are temporary and can be proudly considered battle wounds for a job well done!

In our next mountain climbing guide, we’ll tackle intermediate climbs that require very little technical gear or expertise, but often require an overnight camp and/or sections of “scrambling.”

Readers, have you ever climbed a mountain? Share your tips and experience with us here! If this guide has inspired you to give it a shot, come on back and tell us all about it!

The mission: To blend in here (image by YoTut)

One of the best parts of receiving FGG reader mail is that it gives us a glimpse into how diverse your lives and interests are. In recent weeks, we’ve fielded questions on everything from cycling to sundresses to tennis clothes. And this week it’s all about Vegas, baby!

I have a bachelorette party coming up for my good friend, and it is going to be at Wet Republic at MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I have nothing but thinner friends who can walk around in bikinis and heels . . . . I’m a size 16 and I can’t seem to find a suit and a cover-up that makes me feel sexy like my friends look in their bikinis. Any tips on where to shop? I want to look stylish and be comfortable in a [swim]suit in a public place like that.

Before launching into shopping suggestions, let’s take a moment to acknowledge your decision to attend the bachelorette party with your friends, despite the concerns you’re having. Publicly wearing a swimsuit as an overweight woman can be enough of a mental challenge even before factoring in the club vibe of Wet Republic. Your decision not to let your weight dictate whether you attend, but rather to seek a way to rock your own killer curves at the celebration is what FGG is all about. Good for you, girl!

Sexy full-figured swimwear

Now the fun part: shopping! If you haven’t already read through our recent Guide to Figure-Flattering Swimwear, it’s a great place to begin getting ideas for fun, trendy swimwear in plus sizes (including some sexy swim dress looks). We also recently answered another reader’s question about plus-size sarongs.

Both posts offer a mixed bag of finds, both practical and sexy. With your specific goal of blending into bikini-land in mind, what about a one-shoulder design from Monif C.? The single-shoulder look is hot this season, and the suit still provides plenty of coverage, as well as the option to show more or less leg, depending on your mood. (For more secure bust support, you can add the optional second shoulder strap.)

For a bikini-like feel with more stomach coverage, check out the plus-size offerings from Bikini Sunshine. Their two-piece suits are ordered as separates, so you can mix and match for the best size combination of top (cup sizes A/B through DDD) and bottom (sizes up to 18). We were drawn to both the black matte and purple babydoll tankini styles, in particular.

FGG editorial also admits to an ongoing love affair with the suits from Pinup Girl Clothing. Several of their styles come in plus sizes (up to size 20) and they’re bold, colorful and sexy in ways that celebrate the curves not all bikini bods can boast. Frankly, should you opt for the new vintage-inspired sheath suit (in red, black or gold), it wouldn’t shock us if your bikini-clad friends envied you.

Choosing a stylish cover-up to match

The cover-up you reach for will likely depend on the cut of your suit, but there’s just enough flounce and movement in this bandeau, waterfall-style design (sizes 1X-3X, Always For Me) to help you feel sexy without being over-exposed. If that’s not your style, the same site offers plenty of other options, including flirty skirts with tummy control (1X-3X) to babydoll dresses in multiple colors (2X-3X). Or, you could go for sexy and simple by pairing a georgette sarong (1X-2X, Swimsuits Just For Us) with the Rio De Janeiro Twist Bandeau suit from Always For Me. Available in four colors and sizes ranging from 16W-26W, this gorgeous, curve-hugging suit is just begging for a trip to Vegas.

Whatever look you choose, be sure to read Peony’s thoughts on swimsuit socializing before hitting the pool, and remember that confidence is the sexiest accessory of all. Have fun and keep us posted!

Ladies: What fat-girl phobias have you conquered so far this summer? Tell us about the activity or social gathering you braved — or suggest another great pool-party fashion for this reader.

You never know who you’ll meet on a girlfriend getaway

It’s vacation season for many, with great weather and kids out of school as families head off to water parks, resorts, and campgrounds. For moms like me, it’s also girlfriend getaway season, because it’s easier to leave the kids with our spouses/partners/relatives without factoring in school schedules. For others, like our own Angela, it’s time to gather some pals and head north where the weather is divine to relax.

Each July, some of my besties and I rent a house somewhere and convene to . . . well, basically we laugh the entire time. One year, I remember going to bed with a sore jaw from laughing so much. Whether partaking in touristy activities, kicking back, playing pranks on each other, or stopping to meet roadside llamas, each gathering is a non-stop joy-fest and something that’s brightened my existence considerably. Pretty surprising for someone who didn’t have many close girlfriends until adulthood.

There’s something valuable about hanging out with people who are much like yourself, but just different enough to make things interesting. It’s also comforting to have friends who don’t judge you for never losing that baby or college (or whenever) weight, and who see you as beautiful and perfect–right here, right now. This is the stuff that great girlcations are made of. There’s even a magazine devoted to Girlfriend Getaways, which might inspire ideas for a traveling friend-fest of your own, because there’s simply no substitute for gathering with women who “get” you.

Have you done a girlfriend getaway? If not, why not? If you’re thinking of starting one, you know what we’re going to ask: what are you waiting for?

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?