The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Nothing says “vacation” like accessorizing with a paper umbrella

If you caught last week’s Part I of our Guide to Taking a Cruise (and if you haven’t yet, what are you waiting for?) you’re in good shape when it comes to researching and packing for the big trip. Read on for ways to make yourself at home aboard your chosen vessel.

Cruise with confidence, ladies!

Many first-time cruisers feel anxiety about their safety aboard a large liner, or what will happen in case of an emergency. Rest assured that every cruise, no matter what line you choose, begins with a mandatory safety drill for all passengers. During your first night on the ship, you’ll don a life jacket and gather with your fellow passengers (likely in the theater or auditorium) as staff review all safety procedures.

If you’re cruising as a fat girl, you may also have concerns about the logistics of these safety procedures. Questions range from “Will the life jacket fit?” to “How safe are those lifeboats, anyway?” While the best resource for answering your specific questions is often the cruise line staff (and I have heard of travelers bringing their own life jackets in extreme circumstances), take comfort in the fact that these devices are incredibly adjustable. Even for an incredibly, um, over-blessed girl like me, the most uncomfortable part of the safety drill wasn’t wearing a big, awkward vest over my girls – it was sitting in a squinchy auditorium chair (more on those later) during the lengthy rundown. Further, all of the transitional vehicles you’ll encounter on a cruise (lifeboats, tenders to take you to and from smaller islands, etc.) are tested and sturdy enough to withstand far more than any of us could throw at them.

Three words for stateroom selection: Location, location, location.

Part I of this Guide asked you to sort out your priorities for your overall cruise experience, and the same rules apply when choosing your stateroom. Get out the map of your cruise ship (visit your line’s web site or Cruise Deck Plans) and do some research. Avoid booking a room that adjoins with another unless you’re traveling as a family or group and know exactly who you’ll place on the other side of that wall. If you’re a light sleeper or otherwise noise-sensitive, you’ll want to steer clear of rooms under hotspot common areas like restaurants, pools, theaters, or casinos. Elevators and stairways also generate lots of noise and can be heavily trafficked at all hours, so the rooms farthest away will be the quietest and experience the fewest passerby disruptions. If mobility is an issue, however, opt for a location near the elevators so you’re not forced to cover the length of a hallway every time you visit your room. Wheelchair-accessible rooms are also available.

Veteran tip: As a general rule, the closer you are to the back of the ship, the greater the chances you’ll be affected by machinery noise (especially from the rudders) and ship movement. If you’re prone to motion sickness, choose a stateroom as close to the front of the ship as possible.

If your stateroom were truly a state, it would be Rhode Island.

Although the average hotel room offers approximately 300 square feet of space, the equivalent price point in cruise cabin accommodations only averages between 150-200 square feet. Unless you upgrade to a suite, mini-suite or villa level, your whole cabin – beds, seating and dressing areas and yes, the bathroom – will fit in a narrow space about as large as a medium-size bedroom. The good news is that cruises offer so much to see and experience that most travelers don’t spend much time in their staterooms unless they’re sleeping, changing or getting ready for the day. My friends and I put that theory to the test in 2008 when three of us shared a single, interior (windowless) stateroom for nine days. (You’d be amazed how much luggage will stow under a twin bed.)

Most dual-occupancy staterooms provide two twin beds that can be combined to form a queen; if you’re booking a cabin that accommodates three or four passengers (as we did on the NCL Jewel) you may also encounter upper berths that fold down from the wall to create a bunk bed-like effect above the twin beds. While the upper berths may sleep a child comfortably and safely, they are decidedly not fat girl-friendly. We took one look at the relatively flimsy bolts and hinges and decided we’d be pulling the mattress off the platform and down to the floor for bedtimes. There was exactly enough space between the twin beds to slide the third twin mattress, and we each climbed in and out of our respective bed from the foot.

Veteran tip: Unless you’re ready to get super cozy and take turns hitting the floor, it’s worth checking to see if a mini-suite with a pullout sofa would be comparable in price or a worthwhile splurge.

Bathroom accommodations require some creative maneuvering.

Even if you’re flush enough to afford a suite or a room with a balcony, don’t expect the upgrade to automatically extend to the bathroom. Bathing accommodations remain mega-tight and shower-only unless you spring for the highest price digs, which then may include shower/tub combos and space enough to not bang into walls when turning around. Otherwise, plan to spend as little time in the bathroom as possible and get your relaxation fix poolside or at the spa.

Bathroom layouts vary from ship to ship. Some designs include glass or plastic partitions between the toilet/sink/shower portions of the room; others turn the toilet at an odd angle to accommodate the cramped room layout. Toilets also frequently sit awkwardly close to the wall, forcing taller or heavier cruisers to adopt a sideways seated position (or temporarily remove the toilet paper holder) in order to provide hip clearance and avoid knees hitting the forward wall.

When it comes to the shower, expect another snug experience. Whether the space is closed off with a shower curtain or a door, there won’t be much room to spare. This is another subject ripe for the boards at Cruise Critic or CruiseMates, where you can read firsthand accounts from fellow travelers — some members will even have specific room measurements or photos to share. Everyone in our plus-sized group did fine in the NCL shower, but if necessary, you can always ask for extra towels to line the floor outside the shower area if the curtain or door won’t close fully. Wheelchair-accessible rooms offer more generously sized, roll-in showers, but ships offer limited quantities of these rooms and they are often occupied by cruisers requiring a chair for day-to-day mobility.

Veteran tip: Another great option for more spacious showering (and leg shaving!) is to visit the ship’s fitness center, where you’ll find larger shower stalls and possibly in-stall seating.

“All-inclusive” doesn’t cover everything.

Whether you’re cruising freestyle or sitting down to formal dinners, the food is sure to be decadent, plentiful and rich with variety. Avoid any unwelcome surprises by knowing exactly what your “all-inclusive” package really includes. In most cases, all food served in onboard restaurants will be included (some ships may charge a cover for certain restaurants; see Part I of this Guide). Many ships extend the all-inclusive rule to a limited menu of room service items as well. Coffee is included, but soft drinks and alcohol are not. Each time you purchase a non-included beverage, the bartender or wait staff will swipe your cruise ID just like a credit card, with all charges (usually including a transactional gratuity) going directly onto your room bill.

If soft drinks are a must-have (or if you’re hoping to keep your umbrella drink expenses to a manageable amount), consider purchasing an all-you-can-drink soda pass. For a fixed price (usually priced out per day; we paid approximately $55 for nine days), you get a sticker or card entitling you to free fill-ups anywhere on the ship. The price may seem steep, but with each can/glass of Diet Coke costing $2-$4, this was cheaper than ordering separate drinks – plus gratuities – a few times per day. Be ready to make a decision quickly, though – this offer is usually only valid on the first day of your voyage. And if you’re picky about Coke vs. Pepsi, you may be out of luck.

Make your dining experience easy and enjoyable.

When it comes to seating, freestyle cruisers will encounter the same realities present in mainland restaurants: each setting will offer a different table, booth and seating configuration, so it’s a matter of requesting the setup that’s most comfortable for you. Try doing a tour of the many dining room options after getting settled on the ship so you know which ones will offer challenges (narrow armchairs, for example) and plan your meals accordingly.

If you’re opting for traditional dining room meals, check in with the maitre d’ before your first meal and request a chair with no arms, or a table that’s easily accessible from a main aisle so no one needs to squeeze by your chair, etc. Taking care of this when you first board the ship will usually enable you to reserve your preferred table and seat for the duration of the cruise.

Veteran tip: Research the tipping policy on your ship. Many cruise lines employ a fixed gratuity scale (e.g. $10 per day, automatically billed to your room account) to “streamline” tipping on the boat and cover the many staff members you encounter during your voyage. Other lines offer the option to increase/decrease the gratuity provided to housekeeping vs. dining staff, etc. Be sure you know how much you’ll be billed and what other services might incur additional gratuities (spa services, each bar beverage etc.).

There’s a way to feel comfortable in almost any part of the ship.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned by now it’s that cruises have something for everyone, and that includes a comfy place to sit. From poolside restaurants to various bars and lounges, armless chairs, stools and loveseats are plentiful. Deck chairs are remarkably robust and usually armless. Sometimes the more tucked-away outer promenades will even have stacks of lounge chairs to set up in sun or shade. One of our favorite spots on the Jewel was a velvety plush, oversized chaise in the largest lounge; it comfortably accommodated three sprawling cat-nappers on our at-sea days.

The one exception to the “make you comfy” rule seems to be the auditorium seating in the ship theaters. Travelers on most ships report these seats to be narrow (ours sure were) and without the moveable armrests you often find at the local multiplex. Once again, scope out the theater during (or after) the mandatory emergency drill and see if there are armless chairs. These will likely fill quickly during shows, as will aisle or end-of-row seating. If you plan to attend one or more shows (NCL’s Cirque Bijou performance was amazing), be sure to hit the theater early to score your preferred seat.

Lastly, never be afraid to ask the ship’s staff for recommendations or assistance with any special need or request you might have. They’re accustomed to solving on-board challenges and are there to make your cruise experience all it can be. Good luck and happy sailing!

What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before you cruised? Or what questions do you still have? Tell us in comments.

This week’s Fat Girl’s Guide is the first installment of a two-part series. Part I takes you through all your cruise prep – from research to wardrobe. Next week’s Guide will be crammed with ways to make the most of your onboard experience.

A few things are certain on a cruise: Drinks will be ridiculously expensive. By Day 3, you’ll begin to recognize other passengers and to make up nicknames and stories for them (“Needs-to-Lay-Off-the-Spray-Tan Lady,” “Guy with Giant Smurf Tattoo”). If your name is “Angela,” you will be “The Girl Who Over-Packed” and you will never live it down.

You’ll notice one assumption conspicuously absent from that list of guarantees: Everyone will be thin, sporty and cover-model gorgeous.

If anyone has ever told you that fat people don’t cruise, I’m here to tell you they’re wrong. The truth is, unless you’re taking a specialty voyage geared toward a particular audience (singles, families, LGBT community, under-30, BBW, etc.), your fellow travelers will represent all different shapes, sizes, ages, backgrounds and activity levels. Cruising while fat is the same as tackling any other opportunity — you just need a game plan. And maybe some Dramamine.

Determine your travel style.

The options are almost limitless when it comes to voyage length, destination, ship amenities and formality level, so a savvy girl and her traveling companion(s) need to set a few basic priorities before booking. Will you spend most of your time on the ship, or do you plan to see the sights at each port? What amenities are the most important to you? Fabulous spa? Tons of pools? Luxurious bedding? Unique on-board activities like bowling or a climbing wall? Do you want lots of kid-friendly activities or a more relaxed, adult pace? Lengthier cruises tend to attract more seasoned travelers and retirees, while voyages during school breaks will be loaded with kids. Compile a list of must-haves (spa!), negotiables (bedding), and deal-breakers (tons of kids if you’re looking for a singles experience) and see if you can find a cruise line and voyage that meets your needs.

Your dining experience requires more planning than you think.

We know fat girls sometimes feel more confident in casual wear vs. formal (or vice versa), so it’s important to know your comfort level before committing to a particular ship. Do you love the idea of getting dressed up in the evening, chatting with new friends and having a set dinner time? You’ll probably be a fan of more traditional cruises, offered by many lines (Carnival is one example). Although a number of lines have begun offering flexible dinner times or a 24-hour cafeteria on some ships, the traditional cruise dinner experience matches you with a set group of dining companions at a fixed time throughout your voyage. Dress codes are more formal as well, and some may require cocktail attire.

On the other hand, if you’re not a fan of chatting up new people, or if you enjoy a more casual experience and a higher level of flexibility, you’re definitely a candidate for “freestyle” cruising. Employed most notably by Norwegian, but gaining traction on other lines, freestyle is just what it sounds like — freedom to choose where and when you eat, and with whom you share meals. During our nine days aboard the Norwegian Jewel, my friends and I dined in eight different restaurants at times ranging from 5:30-10:30 p.m. With the exception of the Japanese steakhouse, we never shared tables with other passengers. Shorts, jeans and tank tops are off-limits everywhere but the buffet, but basic, casual cruise wear (check with your line for their rules on casual and formal dress) was appropriate for all other restaurants.

Veteran tip: Even if you cruise freestyle, be prepared to do some on-board planning. Reservations (made up to 24 hours in advance) are usually required at non-buffet restaurants, while a few of the boutique dining options (steak house, hibachi, Asian cuisine) required a $10-$20 cover charge.

Once you’ve set your priorities, dig in to researching, purchasing and planning.

Put time and thought into planning your cruise vacation. If you’ve heard good things about a particular cruise line, or spotted a great bargain, explore every inch of the web site, including the FAQ and virtual tours of staterooms, dining rooms and amenities. Many lines will offer basic info in the sections for first-time cruisers and some sites also offer a community area to network with other passengers.

For feedback beyond the colorful marketing pictures and exciting descriptions, turn to independent web sites like Cruise Diva, which offers summaries and reviews of each cruise line’s concept, in addition to the individual ships in its fleet. Cruise Critic and CruiseMates each provide news and reviews, as well as bustling online communities that are phenomenal resources. Comb through discussion threads by cruise line or topic (Cruise Critic is even searchable), or create a user account and post your own questions. Many of the message boardies are hardcore — having traveled on a dozen or more cruises — so their insights are usually pretty helpful. You also may be surprised to see how many of the questions pertain to weight issues or fears about size.

Veteran tip: Cruise lines take care of their online communities. On a recent  NCL sailing, members of an active message board group attended an exclusive on-board party and were invited to tour the ship’s bridge and rub elbows with the captain.

Read the fine print before booking excursions.

Both the cruise line’s web site and the independent message boards provide a wealth of information regarding excursions offered at every port. Again, corporate descriptions will be glossier, while you’ll get more of the down-and-dirty scoop from fellow travelers. Whether deciding on a cruise-sponsored excursion (higher costs but more accountability to you as the customer) or seeking an independent tour guide or vendor in a port city (lower costs, smaller group sizes, more customer responsibility to vet thoroughly), be sure you understand everything about the activities. Some excursions (zip lines, ATV travel, helicopter tours, some smaller boats or kayaks) will have clearly outlined weight limits of 200 lbs, 250 lbs, 400 pounds per 2-person boat, etc. Many tours and excursions will outline the exertion level involved or provide a list of activities a participant must be able to accomplish (climbing stairs, walking a mile, walking on uneven terrain, climbing into and out of boat, etc.). Again, many travelers on message boards will have done these activities and can give you honest feedback. If you feel nervous or unsure about any portion of a description, never hesitate to contact the cruise line or the vendor.

While there are definitely some activities off-limits to larger travelers (I doubt I’ll ever be welcome on a zip line!), it’s important to realize the vast majority of the options are things most of us can do. There wasn’t a  remotely skinny person in our Caribbean travel group, yet we snorkeled, climbed catamaran ladders, swam with dolphins, hiked down to view a volcano, rode tenders out to play with stingrays, and toured an island on an 18-person bus that resembled a clown car. Be honest with yourself about your limitations, but don’t let worries over your size keep you from trying something new.

Pack a few different swimwear pieces.

The two-suit rule is a gimme; no one likes climbing into a wet swimsuit, and sardine-can staterooms don’t afford great options for ventilated drying. Aside from doubling up, however,  you may want to consider multiple styles of swimwear (like a skirted option and a one-piece, even if you’re vehemently pro-skirt) or top & bottom separates that you can mix and match, especially once you determine which excursions you’ll be taking. Dressing for a tour of Mayan ruins or a day at the beach is pretty easy, but several of the tropical excursions involve multiple components that require you to be clothed one minute (in a local restaurant, for example) and ready for swimming the next. For these swim/land hybrid excursions, don’t wear a swim dress with a built-in skirt if you hope to put a pair of shorts or pants over it for the land portion. Few things are as uncomfortable as trudging around for several hours with a soaking-wet mass of fabric balled up at your waist (the skirt part on many swim dresses takes forever to dry). I MacGuyvered this problem when I encountered it by gathering the skirt at one side with an elastic hair band, but believe me, it was not my finest hour.

Look for quick-drying, versatile, over-the-suit options, like these multipurpose shorts from Junonia, available in sizes up to 4X. We also like the selection of swim shorts and activewear from lines such as Lands End, Danskin or Faded Glory. And even if you’re not leaving the ship, remember to pack a cover-up, sarong or pair of swim shorts for the lengthy trips between your stateroom and the pool.

Veteran tip: Plan your excursion outfits to be useful regardless of activity order. Our day in St. Lucia was described chronologically as land/lunch/swim/sail, but we learned that half the groups go in reverse order to manage crowding with the tour vendors.

Supportive, broken-in shoes or sandals are a must.

Whether you plan to disembark at every port or just chill on the ship, prepare to do a good amount of walking. Cruise ships are enormous floating civilizations, and the distance you’ll cover just traveling between your room and the various locations onboard will surprise you. Additionally, some excursions may involve wet conditions, walking over varied terrain, climbing up or down stairs, etc. I’ve never been able to walk comfortably in flip-flops; they don’t stay on my feet and they provide zero support. If you’re like me, consider sandals from Chaco or Teva, which offer good tread while providing ventilation and supportive ankle straps. There’s also the Crocs option. Yes, they are as fugly as shoes come, but – love ‘em or hate ‘em – they were a godsend for the port days when our itinerary involved a sloshy catamaran ride, stops to swim and snorkel, hiking down into a volcano, and a bus tour of the island – all in a single outfit. Crocs were easy to clean when sandy or dirty, they went from wet to dry conditions without problem, and I didn’t care if I ruined or lost them.

Veteran tip: Get a rush of accomplishment by wearing a pedometer to track all those steps you’ll take during your cruise. Plus, you’ll know without a doubt you’ve earned that trip to the midnight chocoholic buffet!

Come back next Thursday for Part II — all about selecting/maximizing your stateroom, on-board accommodations and (of course) the food! In the meantime: Been cruisin’? Tell us your packing must-haves or share tips for finding a fat girl-friendly ship and excursions that excite.

Between the Seats by SC Fiasco

When Southwest Airlines booted writer/actor/filmmaker Kevin Smith from his buckled-in seat aboard an Oakland-to-Burbank flight on Saturday, Feb. 13, the question of passenger size vs. seat size was catapulted into headlines. Again. Some readers may remember that Southwest drew a lot of (positive and negative) attention in 2008 with the announcement that it would begin actively enforcing its longstanding “customers of size” guidelines on flights. Simply put, the policy states that anyone who cannot comfortably lower both armrests, or who encroaches on another passenger’s space while seated, may be asked to purchase a second seat and/or wait for a later flight with more space. United Airlines instituted a similar policy last year, and many other airlines (AirTran is one notable exception) maintain some rule regarding passenger size and seating encroachment.

With so much recent press on the topic, it’s no wonder many of us are more nervous than ever about flying. And yet, a girl has places to go, right? While the troubling lack of consistency with which the rules seem to be applied means that any one of us could find ourselves in Smith’s shoes with zero warning, we think the best defense is a good offense.

Be informed. Do your homework before booking a flight and select the airline with the pricing/policy/accommodations combo that makes you most comfortable. Locating each airline’s approach to larger passengers can be a bit tricky (search for links to “special assistance,” “travel policies,” or “services and information”) but most web sites have them listed somewhere. Sites like Seat Guru will tell you how many inches of seat width and leg room to expect on the many types of planes each airline employs. Southwest’s seats are a uniform 17” wide, while many seats on AirTran, JetBlue, and Midwest measure 18”. That one extra inch may not seem like much, but for those of us with wide hips (*raises hand*), it might mean a more comfortable flight.

Once you’ve selected an airline, know your rights as a paying customer. Familiarize yourself with the specific travel policies and have a plan for the day of travel, including how you’ll handle the situation if your size should come into question.

Be proactive. To better the odds of adjacent empty seats, book flights during off-peak travel times whenever possible (Monday afternoon through Thursday morning, or early morning/late night).  When selecting a seat, opt for a window or aisle to minimize the number of shared armrests. For whatever reason, the size debate seems to keep coming back to armrests, the distance between them, and their ability to be lowered completely and “comfortably.” So let’s work with that: board your plane as early as possible, buckle up and lower the darn armrests for the world to see. You can always ask your seatmate to raise the shared one(s) later if it makes more sense.

If you know you need a seat belt extender, ask the flight attendant when you first board the plane. S/he will usually have several in the cabinet up front or will ask for your seat assignment and bring one to you. If you don’t realize until you’re seated that an extension is in order (don’t panic — belt lengths differ from plane to plane and sometimes from seat to seat), just press the call button or ask an attendant as they pass to do a luggage check. In my experience, every flight attendant has handled the belt situation discreetly. The important thing is to be confident and assertive, approaching the request for a belt extender the same way you would if you were asking for a pillow, blanket or extra napkin. There’s no shame or worry needed here; you’re just meeting a basic need.

Be honest. If you truly know in advance that your body’s dimensions and comfort requirements are going to significantly exceed the boundaries of a 17″ or 18″ seat, do yourself a favor and buy the second seat — preferably by calling customer service and being up front about your needs. Be clear about why you’ll require two seats together and ask how that reservation will be guaranteed and handled on your date of travel. Some airlines (including Southwest) will refund the cost of the second seat if the plane does not fill, while others (like United) will waive the standard call center fee. It’s not a perfect solution, but it will ensure your comfort and safety during the flight and it minimizes the potential for unpleasant surprises once aboard the airplane.

What say you, readers? We’d love to hear your opinions, recent airline experiences or flying tips in comments. And watch for a full-length Fat Girl’s Guide to Traveling in Comfort in the coming weeks.

Designer Monif Clarke knows a thing or two about dressing up our curves

Dear FGG,

HELP! I always have a hard time finding tops and dresses to fit my large chest. By the time I actually find something that fits me on top, I’m swimming in it on the bottom. I’m desperate for tips on what styles to wear!

I learned the hard way that dressing my pear-shaped bod in baggy, straight tops made me look like this, so it took some trial and error to find clothes that flattered my body type. But even on my biggest, non-pregnant days, I maybe make it  into a C cup, so I turned to an expert to help us answer this question: Monif Clarke, CEO and Designer at Manhattan-based Monif C. Plus Sizes

FGG: What are some common fashion mistakes you see large-chested women make?

MC: I am large-chested myself and I think the biggest mistake we make is not wearing the right size bra. Sometimes women come into my plus size boutique in New York, and when I take a look at their bra that they got for $20 at their local mall, I tell them it’s so important to invest the money to go to a bra shop, get fitted, and buy the right size bra. [FGG here: I've had great luck with Nordstrom for personalized bra fittings]

FGG: How important is a good bra, and can you suggest any brands to our readers?

MC: A good bra is very important because it will improve posture, make your clothes look nicer, and help alleviate the additional weight from our large chests. I don’t have any particular brands I love, but I do shop quite a bit at bravissimo.com. [FGG here: Readers, if you have any faves, we want to hear from you in the comments on this one!]

FGG: What should busty girls look for in tops and dresses that will fit and flatter their curves?

MC: I think that we look great in wrap tops and dresses, and V-necks are universally flattering. Often when women are large-chested, the chest pushes out the dress/top, which can make her look like she has no waist or hips. I think it’s important to look for dresses with empire waists and wraps to highlight your waist. Also, short jackets with curved seams are great to pull in our figure at the waist.

FGG: Do any fashion lines – from budget buys at Wal Mart to high-end couture – really “get it” in terms of fitting bigger breasted women?

MC: As a large chested woman, I’ve never really felt too limited to stick to particular brands for clothes. I think rather you want to look at an entire line of clothing and figure out what pieces you can pick out of the line to highlight your curves. For example, when I shop, I usually look for fitted dresses or fitted tops to wear with A-line skirts. I try to minimize volume on the top half of my body and concentrate it in the lower part of my body to avoid looking bigger on top.

FGG: Anything else you’d like to add?

MC: There are more options than ever for large-chested women to find bras that are pretty and supportive, and many more options for clothes out there, but we have to be willing to seek out these options. When designing clothes for Monif C. Plus Sizes, I always make it a point to pay attention to necklines as well as things like the width of shoulder straps on a dress, so I can know it can universally work for all women. We recently expanded our product line and are now designing plus size swimwear for sizes 14 – 24. One of the main features of the swim suits are halter neck ties, which work especially well for large-chested women because they help to “hoist” up the girls in the swimsuits.

Thanks for your insights, Monif, and for creating such vibrant, fun, and fashionable clothing in our size! Readers, we know we’ll be hearing from you on this topic because you always seem to know the best places to find fashion that actually fits our figures. Share your favorite finds and tips in the comments.

Mirror Love, by Peony

Valentine’s Day is a big deal for a lot of people. Some of you out there started panicking on Monday because there were only two short weeks until the big day. And you’re in a new relationship! And what do you do without making it a big Valentiney deal!?

I’m here to tell you one thing: bold acts of romance inspired by the pressure of the day will not be your friend. This goes double if there isn’t a precedent for the great big thing you’ve thought up.

There are a few classic pitfalls we often fall into in the excitement of new relationships, regardless of whether or not it’s Valentine’s Day – a high-pressure holiday just makes them that much more tempting. Don’t freak out! Get smart and enjoy the day with your new lover in a comfortable, low-pressure environment that will let you relax and be your charming, beautiful self.

Pitfall #1 — The Fancy Dinner

You don’t need reservations for a $200-a-plate candlelit feast. Instead, you’re gonna take the day off work, get out your cookbooks, and put all your new love-energy into whipping up a five-course meal that no restaurant could top. Who needs French chefs when you’ve got l’amour, right? No, wrong. Very, very wrong.

This situation begs for dishes to fail, for you to be exhausted and frazzled, and for the evening to be a whole lot of pressure and very little fun. A better idea? Make something you know you can ace with your eyes closed, like grandma’s famous lasagna, and invite him over for a taste of get-to-know-you. Tell him he can bring the wine. The food is satisfying, you’re relaxed, the kitchen isn’t a wreck, and you get to be the cool girlfriend who didn’t make some weird Valentine’s dinner with heart-shaped toast points smeared with foie gras.

Pitfall #2 — The Fascinating Conversationalist

What will you talk about? It’s way too early to sit there together and play the “No, I love YOU more” game. And it’s a really bad night to pick to have one of those where-is-this-going or “next level” conversations. Maybe you’re planning on spending the next week researching the things he likes so that you can be a super interesting person to talk to. Oh, the fun you’ll have throwing around hockey stats or your matching opinions on political referendums!

Don’t. If you’re not actually into it, it’s going to be obvious, and worse, you’ll only know enough for a conversation or two and then what? If his interest in you grows based on what he thinks you share as interests, you’re setting yourself up for failure later (or exhausting, after months of trying to pretend).

You’d be better off spending that research time learning just enough about him to ask him some really interesting questions. We all like to talk about the things we enjoy, and I’ve yet to meet a man who wasn’t interested in teaching me about his passions when he can tell I’m seriously interested. Not only will you get to learn about the way his mind works and what he likes, but you may stumble on something you two really do share and can enjoy together.

Pitfall #3 — The Sex Appeal

I like lingerie, and I love to buy it and wear it just for me. If someone else gets to enjoy it, too? That’s just a bonus. While sexy, lacey things on romantic evenings is always a tempting option, the pressure of big dates or the first time you plan to sleep together can make it hard to resist. But do resist. It’s  unnecessary, and creates false pressure for what the evening should be about, even if sex will be a part of it.

The same goes for exciting new adventures in bikini waxing and studying up on sexual positions that make you glad you made that New Year’s resolution about going back to yoga. If you haven’t slept together, prancing out in a hot pink satin negligee with a copy of Kama Sutra is quite the opening salvo. How will you top that? It’s all downhill from there.

Go with your gut here, but if you’re not sure what to do or are only doing something because it’s Valentine’s Day, forget spending energy on something just to impress your new guy (or girl). Instead, just do something for yourself. A new pair of cotton panties with a punchy print and matching bra, for example, will make you happy and comfy (and relaxed, and sassy, both of which your new lover is likely to notice and appreciate). The better you feel, the more fun everyone will have, and that’s what your day, and night, should ultimately be about.

Best wishes for a happy, stress-free Valentine’s Day, no matter how you spend it!

- Peony

Jennifer Rice, owning it on the dance floor

Music and dance are universal among every human culture, and some of the most memorable moments in our lives  and in our favorite movies involve dance. (Scent of a Woman, anyone? Or perhaps you’re a Singing in the Rain kind of girl).  Like music and singing, there’s just something that connects us when we see the human body move, either in time with other bodies or with grace or fiery intensity on its own. While the dance community isn’t quite renowned for body acceptance (yet), times are changing and new forms of dance are evolving along with them, in the arts (check out The Big Ballet), fitness (or do you prefer Vixen Fitness?) and just for fun (Heard of hooping? Read on to learn more). Maybe you’ve always wanted to dance but never took the time. Perhaps you’re shy about putting yourself out there, or worried about any physical limitations due to your size or what shape you’re in (or aren’t). Girls, this is the guide for you.

What will people think of a fat girl dancing?

You know what we’re going to say to this one, right? Nobody puts Baby in a corner! Sure, we make it sound easy to just get out there and shake what your mama gave you when in reality, it isn’t. It’s scary wondering if we’ll be the biggest girl in the room, or unable to move with the rest of the class because we’re novices. We’re all frightened of people mocking or questioning us–it’s human nature.

But taking chances on our own behalf is invigorating, and the more often we nudge our toes past our carefully padded comfort zones, the easier it becomes over time. “We women need to have as much joy in our lives as possible,” says Jennifer Rice, a former competitive swing dancer, curvy girl, and founder of TailspinHoops.com, a site dedicated to “hooping,” a relatively new dance form using – you guessed it – hula hoops. “With all of the obligations we have these days, we need to get back to doing the things that fuel us emotionally and spiritually,” she adds. “If you really want to learn how to dance, denying yourself the joy you’ll feel and that you know in your heart you were meant to experience is to deny one of the reasons you were put on this earth.”

What type of dance should I choose, and are there any forms I should avoid?

“There are two ways to approach this,” says Rochelle Rice (no relation to Jennifer), author of Real Fitness for Real Women and a fitness and dance instructor for plus size women.  “Either try a few things to see what feels right for your body and abilities, or try some of the curvier dance classes, like African, Bollywood, or belly dancing. In Bollywood especially, the movement is slow and centered on the pelvis and the arms, providing a nice way to connect with the body.”

Either way, go for something you think you’ll have fun doing or that you’ve wanted to try for a while. “The best dance styles are the ones that fit your personality and your body,” says Vanessa Isaac, a dance and fitness instructor who created the popular Brazilian Dance Workout. Isaac’s favorites for beginners include: ballroom, belly dancing, modern, salsa, Brazilian, samba (and Latin dance in general), and Nia.

As far as styles to avoid, “hip hop can be hard on the joints, especially if you have an instructor who teaches dance combinations with a lot of level changes (like quickly popping up from a squatting position),” says Jennifer Rice. “Lindy hop, a form of swing dancing, can be tough on the knees for a larger girl because there’s a lot of swiveling involved.” That’s not to say you shouldn’t try these dance forms, but if you aren’t limber in certain areas or have knee or other joint issues, talk with your instructor first and ask about modifying certain moves.

Where should I take lessons, and what should I look for in an instructor or class?

If you’re just starting out, look for beginner level classes – local park districts, recreation centers, and community colleges usually offer beginner level courses that allow students to get a feel for a particular style. Always research what the class is about and the background of the instructor–credentials, how long he or she has been teaching, etc. “The best teachers are the ones with good fitness experience and education, are members of national associations, and are professional dancers themselves,” says Isaac. Talk with students to get a sense of either the style you’re interested in or a specific instructor or studio. If there’s a feeling of community and support in a class, that’s a good sign, says Isaac.

“Make sure to have an open dialogue with your instructor so he or she knows your individual needs,” says Rochelle Rice. “Even if they have limited experience with plus size students, if they’re good, they should be able to figure it out from an anatomical perspective and make modifications you can do instead.” So don’t be afraid to speak up in your favor if you’re unsure about any aspect of a class. “Remember that the right class for you exists and you’ll feel at home when you enter the room,” says Isaac. “It may be uncomfortable at first, but the energy of the people and the instructor will make you feel welcome.” Instructors should be responsive and attentive; if they’re more into themselves than you, or don’t seem receptive to having overweight students, move on and keep looking.

How should I dress?

“First and foremost, get a supportive bra like an Enell or a sports bra,” says Rochelle Rice. “This protects the breasts and makes it easier to move while doing turns and other moves.” Rice often sees women overdress for dance classes, which leaves them feeling overheated and flustered instead of focused on the movements. “Leave the sweatpants at home,” she says. A breathable v-neck tee and leggings that aren’t too thick are great for starters. Call ahead to ask what you should wear, since every type of dance will have its own attendant gear, from tap shoes to ballroom dance shoes with smooth soles that allow dancers to glide across the floor.

Are you ready to try this, girls? Please come back and tell us about it if you do. And remember, “It’s not just about getting out there and doing something new, it’s about holding your head high and owning it,” says Jennifer Rice.

That’s the FGG spirit. If that’s not enough inspiration for you, here’s a glimpse of how much fun it can be to get up, get out there, and dance, courtesy of Jennifer Rice:

Photo by Mike Baird

This question landed in our inbox this morning, and because time was of the essence, we decided to (ahem) gallop with it:

Hello! I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m going horse riding for the first time for a hen’s weekend and am more than a little anxious about it. I’d really appreciate any and all advice.”

This isn’t the first time we’ve received a question about horseback riding, particularly whether a bigger gal might be too much for a horse to handle. We poked around online a bit and found that there is some controversy in this area; obviously people of all shapes and sizes can and do ride horses, but in the equestrian community, opinions can be pretty strong about how big is too big, but reading between the lines it seems that it is possible to ride responsibly if you’re overweight.

We spoke with Mary Midkiff, founder of Women & Horses,™ which covers female-specific training with an eye toward the care of and empathy for the horses while riding. Many big, tall men ride horses, and we wondered whether this was analogous to a 250-pound woman mounting up, and Midkiff agreed. “You could hurt the horse if the horse is too small,” she said. “For a person of that size, I’d want to see them on a draft horse or a draft type horse–in other words, a heavy-boned, bigger horse.” Before riding, call and ask if there are any weight limitations for riders, because every place will have horses of different sizes and abilities, and every stable will have different preferences about riders’ ability levels and size.

What to wear

We’ve all seen cowboys riding horses, and cowboys (and girls) wear jeans, right? Not if you’re a beginner, says Midkiff. “They’ll rub you around the knee, calf, and upper thigh, and the seams at the crotch can be uncomfortable over time.” She suggests investing in a pair of plus size riding tights, or if you’re not sure you’ll be riding often, wear pants with a straight leg that stretch well with some padded bicycling shorts underneath. “Some women are embarrassed to wear riding tights because they are tight and they do show a lot, but you can wear a longer shirt or jacket over them,” says Midkiff. Skip the yoga pants or boot cut jeans if you’ll be riding English style (as opposed to Western style–read about the differences here), to prevent getting caught in the stirrups.

There’s a reason cowboy boots have heels, and so should your footwear when riding. A shoe or boot with a 1″ heel will keep your foot from sliding through the stirrup, so leave your gym shoes at home. Some Western saddles have toe guards, but unless you know your stable will have them, don’t count on that. Midkiff insists on protective headgear, too: “There are equestrian-specific helmets that meet the safety standards for riding and run in the $30-50 range,” she says. Most, if not all outfitters provide helmets, but Midkiff suggests bringing a bicycle helmet along just in case. Finally, here’s where having an Enell or similarly structured, high impact, minimum bounce sports bra will serve you well, because there will be bouncing–even more if your horse decides to trot, canter, or is spooked.

Before you ride

Horseback riding doesn’t just bounce your jiggly parts, it also works your inner thighs in ways most other activities don’t. Therefore, stretching the inner thighs is important and warming up the core muscles with some pelvic tilts is a good idea, too.  “Always ask your outfitter for a mounting block or to stand on a hay bale – something secure and sturdy – to help you mount the horse,” says Midkiff. “For one thing, you don’t want to stand on anything unstable where you can lose your balance, and if you mount from the ground, you torque the horse’s back.” A good outfitter will demonstrate how to mount and then help you properly–and safely–climb aboard.

After riding

If you’re sore after riding, Midkiff recommends a hot bath with bath salts to soothe aching muscles. Expect soreness in the inner thighs, glutes, and piriformis muscles. “You’re doing a lot of gripping with the inner thighs just naturally while riding,” says Midkiff. “So when you get off, you’ll feel like one of those bowlegged cowboys.” For bruises, she suggests arnica gel or lotion, which you can find at most natural or health food stores.

Girls, share your own experiences with horseback riding in comments, and if you love horses, too, consider contributing to an organization right in Toni’s back yard, the Hooved Animal Humane Society.