The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

You never know who you’ll meet on a girlfriend getaway

It’s vacation season for many, with great weather and kids out of school as families head off to water parks, resorts, and campgrounds. For moms like me, it’s also girlfriend getaway season, because it’s easier to leave the kids with our spouses/partners/relatives without factoring in school schedules. For others, like our own Angela, it’s time to gather some pals and head north where the weather is divine to relax.

Each July, some of my besties and I rent a house somewhere and convene to . . . well, basically we laugh the entire time. One year, I remember going to bed with a sore jaw from laughing so much. Whether partaking in touristy activities, kicking back, playing pranks on each other, or stopping to meet roadside llamas, each gathering is a non-stop joy-fest and something that’s brightened my existence considerably. Pretty surprising for someone who didn’t have many close girlfriends until adulthood.

There’s something valuable about hanging out with people who are much like yourself, but just different enough to make things interesting. It’s also comforting to have friends who don’t judge you for never losing that baby or college (or whenever) weight, and who see you as beautiful and perfect–right here, right now. This is the stuff that great girlcations are made of. There’s even a magazine devoted to Girlfriend Getaways, which might inspire ideas for a traveling friend-fest of your own, because there’s simply no substitute for gathering with women who “get” you.

Have you done a girlfriend getaway? If not, why not? If you’re thinking of starting one, you know what we’re going to ask: what are you waiting for?

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

Awkward date courtesy of der jones

The reasons why we date are personal. Some of us are looking to settle down and start families. Some want to have fun and aren’t ready for that yet. Some just ditched a long-term relationship and want to live it up for a while without labels or strings attached. There’s nothing wrong with any of this; we should be dating for our needs and desires, not to check off boxes on an imaginary list of things everyone expects of us. I’ve dated for fun, for companionship, to learn about myself and other people, and in search of someone to settle down with. I’ve dated to prove to myself that men want me, that I’m not desperate, and that I have good choices. In every single one of those instances, I’ve had great dates and awful dates, and I’ve found that the good experiences soften the blow of the bad ones, and the bad ones motivate me to chase after something better (or they simply make epic “we can laugh about it now” tales later on).

We’ve all been on a bad date or ten. Or fifty. They’re often the first (and only) date we’ll ever have with someone, but sometimes they happen months into a relationship when something goes horribly wrong, leaving you questioning why you’re together. No matter when they strike, bad dates can be really discouraging – even the comically disastrous ones that make great war stories. Bad dates seem to be an unfortunate necessity, like any other pothole on the road to an otherwise exciting adventure. Even knowing this, bad dates often make me question why I’m dating in the first place and what on earth is wrong with me that kept me from seeing such an awful evening coming.

The thing that makes a bad date so especially disheartening is that there’s so much hope going into it — particularly on the first few dates with someone. Even if you try to keep yourself in check, remaining cool and collected like the sophisticated woman of the world that you are, you can’t help having some anticipatory daydreams. Lurid fantasies are sometimes rudely interrupted when he announces that he’s decided to reclaim his virginity. Just as visions of dream houses and beautiful children begin forming, he shares that he can’t bear to settle in one place for more than a year or two. Or maybe he’s just plain . . . off. I once went on a date with a charming grad student who told me he’d taken himself off of his psych meds and had decided to start his doctoral work in biochemical weapons research. There was not a second date.

Our attitudes toward ourselves as big girls can make a bad date sting that much more, too. Sometimes we worry a guy won’t like us because of our size, or if he does adore us, we turn around and question why he does. I’m certain that we make our size into a bigger deal in our heads than it is to most men, but getting passed over in the meat market of dating is a very real thing. On the other side of that coin, I’ve had guys who were a good match in terms of intelligence and interests, but turned out to be more into their big butt fetish than anything (or anyone) else. We all want to have our bodies appreciated, but none of us like being objectified because of our size or shape. It’s not easy for anyone when a new relationship fails because of body-related reasons. But in my experience, I’ve been wanted for my body more than I’ve been rejected for it, which seems to be true for my friends of all shapes and sizes, so keep any size-related self-doubt in perspective when pondering why a date took a wrong turn.

We all hate to have our hopes dashed or see our rosy pictures of a person turn out all wrong. I think that rude awakening is harder to deal with than the actual date itself. Dating is a little bit risky and scary; we have to rely on our intuition and people-reading skills to try and sort out whether or not our date meets our personal criteria, sparks any chemistry, or raises red flags. When everything looks good to go but turns out to be a wreck, a girl can’t help but question her judgment. Don’t linger in that place for long; your intuition isn’t broken and you aren’t a bad judge of character. There’s simply no way to know everything about someone in a few weeks or even months, and rough patches on the road to dating adventure are completely normal. If you do find yourself in the same bad relationship pattern over and over again, you may need to reassess your deal-makers and deal-breakers, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. These things will change over time and be refined with every relationship, and all we can do is learn from what happened and use it to our advantage going forward.

If you can learn to live with your dating mistakes and disasters, I think you’ll find that the ups and downs of dating will level off. Doing things for ourselves gives us confidence–in ourselves, in our desirability and worth, and in the decisions we make. Not dating because of a bad experience? It might be time to think about what you want out of a relationship right now and give it another go. Cast your net wide: there are wonderful men out there who will treat you well and adore you, even if you have to trip over a few trolls on your way to finding them.

Got a great bad date story you can laugh about now? Or a real heartbreaker you ultimately learned from? Share your bad date stories or your tips for getting over an evening gone horribly wrong in the comments.

Sacrifice for Beauty by JamieBates

Confidence comes from all different sources. Some girls draw strength from a personal mantra, a morning pep talk in the mirror, or a favorite song. Others feel their best when they know they’ve had a great cut and color, or when they’ve slipped on a favorite pair of shoes and a great lipstick color. And some of us find our confidence surging when our curves are shapely and smooth, letting our clothes drape perfectly.

In other words, some of us would like our fat to stay put when we move, so we’re free to focus on other things — like following all the steps in salsa dancing class or debating which World Cup team has the nicest-looking. . . uniforms. For our full-figured readers looking to keep the jiggle in check, this Guide’s for you.

Less body movement underneath your clothes

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the fact is that Spanx offers possibly the largest selection of body-shaping apparel out there. From shorts and panties in styles that cover varying portions of thigh and tummy to full-body slimming suits and a line of powerful compression gear, Spanx does a good job of offering something for almost everyone. And while nothing can sugarcoat the fact that Spanx = shapewear, plain and simple, there are things to love about them: The fat-girl-friendly sizing extends to 3X (equivalent of 26W-28W) on many of its clothing pieces and its hosiery is sized to accommodate heights of 6’0 and weights as high as 325. Plus, we love that locating plus-size products on the site is one-click easy.

Despite Spanx’s saturation in the shapewear marketplace, there are a ton of other options for all-over body compression or targeted support. Girls looking to minimize belly bounce might consider a waist cincher like this Rago Waist Nipper (available at HerRoom.com in sizes up to 8X), or a high-waisted, plus-size panty (available in sizes 1X-3X from SeamlessBody.com). All-over torso control can be found via a full-length bodysuit (you’ll want to shop around for the right fit in the torso, chest and butt) or by layering over a shaping camisole or tank.

If you’re a DD-cup or under, consider giving the Unbelievabra a whirl — and then report back immediately! Users (and Oprah) have raved about the all-over smoothing effect of this one-piece, band-less bra/shaping garment. The only downsides seem to be the unorthodox sizing procedure (though the site includes helpful videos), and the fact that larger girls in our readership might fall outside the size ranges offered.

Slimmer silhouettes in “problem” areas

While there are seemingly endless shapewear options for the belly, butt, hips and thighs, it’s a little trickier to find solutions that give a firmer appearance to upper arms or a smoother look to the sides and back. Because “back fat” and side rolls are often pinched and emphasized by regular bras, some women may feel more sleek in a bra that covers more of these areas, even if they aren’t into full-torso shapewear. Several lines now offer “smoothing” bras that claim to eliminate visible bra lines while smoothing back fat: Slimpressions’ Comfy Bralette comes in sizes up to 4X, the Lycra®-enhanced Back Smoothing Bra (of Lane Bryant’s Cacique collection) is available in sizes 36C-46DDD, and Woman Within offers a Comfort Choice® model that comes in a whopping size range of 36B-54G.

When it comes to arm jiggle, the options are usually embrace it (let your bat wings fly), hide it (under baggy sleeves or by avoiding sleeveless tops even in the hottest weather), or work like mad to tone it. Personally, I bought into the shame of waggly upper arms for many years — something I’m sure my mother’s well-intentioned “let’s cover those up” admonitions only reinforced. At some point, it clicked with me that sleeves can be cumbersome and too hot in the dead of a muggy Chicago summer, and that I was tired of confining my shopping choices even further than by size; waggly, oddly creased or not, my arms were going to see the light of day (and night)!

My route isn’t for everyone. I know plenty of girls who don’t feel comfortable even with many short-sleeved shirts because of where the sleeves hits their arms. If you’re not down with the “eh, whatever” approach and are looking for ways to tighten the appearance of those upper arms, try wearing a sleeve that extends well past the areas where you feel the least confidence — and see what you think about a tighter sleeve than you might ordinarily choose, and in a material a little thicker (i.e. nothing floaty or wispy). Before you panic, remember: a little tighter, not circulation threatening. You may be surprised to see the thicker material and closer fit working together to reign in errant ripples or jiggling. If you want more arm control and are willing to dress to accommodate, shapewear for arms (said to “reduce arm circumference by 1″-3″) does exist, in both short- and long-sleeve formats.

Physical activity: shake it without shaking everything

Whether you’re working it on the dance floor or breaking a sweat on the gym’s elliptical machine, the first rule of “less jiggle” when you’re on the move is a good sports bra. Our fitness experts and readers have all raved about the support and comfort provided by Enell bras, but readers have also championed the bounce prevention provided by the Maia bra from Moving Comfort and The Last Resort Bra from Title Nine. Glamorise® also offers a wireless, moisture-wicking sports bra that is designed to eliminate strap bounce and ride-up in back.

For the bottom half of your workout gear, consider skipping the loose-fitting shorts/capris and instead choosing more form-fitting bottoms like plus-size bike shorts. They help reduce the jiggle factor as you move, and you can always layer them under your favorite sweats (or buy pre-layered garments) if the idea of spandex makes you twitchy.

Finally, for a night out, and possibly some dancing, why not add some “WOW!” to your look while also keeping your midriff area from shaking every time you do? A dramatic, high-voltage corset (with either steel boning or plastic) will not only play to your sexy strengths from beneath an over-shirt or on its own, it will also help create a more defined waist and ensure that your midsection stays put while you move. For more examples of fun, sexy corsets, check out our recent Fat Girl’s Guide to Lingerie.

As with any apparel you purchase, be sure to check sizing carefully, as it almost always varies by retailer. And don’t hesitate to mix and match  different shapewear options until you find the combination of freedom and form that works for you. Because whether you choose to rein in the flesh or let it move au natural, the most important thing to remember about your skin is that you need to feel comfortable in it.

Have any feedback on these suggestions or other tips we couldn’t squeeze in here? Or experiences with shaping techniques you’d like to share? We’re all ears for your thoughts and theories on body jiggle — to tame or not to tame.

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Psst! Give the FGG team your two cents for a chance to win a $20 Walmart gift card! More here.

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Lessons learned: You don’t need to cook with edible flowers to call yourself a foodie

Fact: To be a fat girl of any shape or size, for any portion of your life, is to have some kind of a love/hate relationship with food. Sometimes the conflict is as benign as a lighthearted “Why can’t french fries have the same nutritional value as spinach?” For many of us, the relationship with food (food as friend, food as love, food as boredom deterrent, food as source of guilt, etc.) is a complicated one that we’re still seeking to unravel or make peace with. And yet. . . food is an undeniable, often enjoyable, part of our lives. We deserve the chance to embrace cooking, or fine dining, or trying new foods if that’s our passion.

Fueled by this idea, as well my own recent stint playing foodie-for-a-day (truly a marvel when you understand I don’t like foods that touch), I wanted to explore the concept of fat girl as foodie. With the shame that overweight women sometimes feel about food — or a habit of eating repetitive meals, or eating in secret — can the two coexist? Since I’m the farthest thing from an expert on the matter, I enlisted help from a source who knows her foodstuffs and the kind of tips our FGG readers want to hear — our very own Foodie Friday blogger, Michelle Laffler! Michelle patiently addressed each of my neophyte questions, and the result is a must-read for any plus-sized girl who wants to relish her meals without guilt.

What does it mean to be a “foodie”?

Might as well start with the basics, right? I don’t know about you, but when I hear the term “foodie,” it calls to mind meals/foods/ingredients that are non-mainstream, indulgent, rich, expensive, exotic, complicated, or difficult to prepare/use. It also makes me assume a self-proclaimed foodie will judge me for occasionally loving the Olive Garden. So how about it, Michelle? Where am I right, where am I wrong, and what am I missing?

ML: I don’t see the term “foodie” as being nearly so limited. Sure, there are people in the world who believe that unless you’re cooking with exotic, high-priced ingredients and preparing them in unconventional ways you’re not truly a “foodie,” but I beg to differ. I think if you take joy in food — whether by preparing it, eating it, or both — you’re at least a little bit of a foodie.  And don’t worry — most of us aren’t judging you… we’re wondering if we can grab a seat at your table! (P.S. We all have our food-related vices. You may remember that I wrote recently about my love for boneless wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, which are culinary brilliance to me but maybe not so much to someone else.)

Dealing with the stigma of overweight women and food

For some of us, the idea of openly embracing our desire to create, learn about and love food is deeply terrifying. As an example of how we sometimes internalize the stigma — and how painful and challenging the subject of food can be — one friend shared with me that she feels like “fat girls shouldn’t talk about food — because we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves in that way. We shouldn’t love food because that’s how we got fat.”

So I asked Michelle, an overweight woman who’s blogged about food for over two years, whether she’s ever felt judged because of her weight. Did she feel the urge to “apologize” for her love of food, and how has she dealt with that, both in her own mind and through actions and attitude?

ML: I think I’m more prone to judge myself and worry what other people are thinking than to actually be judged. Coming to terms with that nagging little voice in our heads is often a big step for curvy girls, and no doubt many of us have wondered what the people around the table were thinking as we ordered that piece of chocolate cake for dessert. I’d be lying if I said I never gave it a second thought, even after many years of self-discovery and lots of work toward self-acceptance.

However, I also know that I love a great salad just as much as I love a good slice of pie and that food, just like so many other things in life, is about balance and moderation, not denial. Sure, the voice is still there at times, but when I look around the table at my dear friends or family, I realize they love me just the way I am and there’s no need whatsoever for me to feel bad or apologize for a little bit of indulgence. If it happens that I feel like I’ve overdone it at some point during the day, I find that just a little bit of moderate or brisk activity (even if it’s just cleaning the house at warp speed while dancing to 80′s rock) goes a long way toward putting those feelings out of my head.

Can I be health-conscious AND be a foodie?

What are some good tips for for girls who want to be more adventurous food-wise, but also seek a balanced, healthy lifestyle? In discussing this Guide, another friend said, “I’d assume that weight loss and foodism are mutually exclusive.” Is she wrong? Can we have both if we want them?

ML: Can we have it all? You bet! Like I said, balance and moderation is what makes it all work. There are so many great-tasting, fun foods to be experienced and there’s absolutely no reason anyone should deprive themselves of that adventure. If closing your eyes and just pointing at something on the menu makes you too nervous or you’re not sure whether you’ll like something, seek out the advice of a friend with similar food tastes or from the wait staff at your favorite restaurant. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t feel as though you have to go all out, either (I’ve been working on my taste for sushi for about five years now, but I started out with a California Roll – which isn’t really acknowledged as “sushi” by sushi snobs). And if you choose to order something on the more indulgent side of things, don’t think you have sabotage your waistline and eat it all in the same sitting. Split that chicken cordon bleu with a friend or take half home with you.

What are some good resources for a foodie newbie?

We’ve already established that I’m culinarily challenged. (And now we’ve established that I just made up the word “culinarily.”) Despite my ability to get sucked into food-related reality programming like “Chopped” or “Ace of Cakes” (and let’s not even discuss how happy a “Food Network Challenge” marathon makes me), I never find myself drawn to the kind of programs that would provide entry-level, real-world skills. (That would make too much sense, right?) In that spirit, I asked Michelle for some of her go-to resources — blogs, books, television shows, magazines, people — for solid, accessible culinary advice and trends for beginners.

ML: Here’s my confession: I’m a Food Network junkie. There are so many styles and skill levels represented among the Food Network chefs that there’s almost always something inspiring to be found there (I have personal soft spots for Rachael Ray and Paula Deen). The Food Network website includes difficulty levels and user reviews — both of which I find really valuable — and the Food Network Magazine brings that same great mix to print.

A few of my favorite food blogs from my overflowing blog reader are A Southern Grace (amazing recipes with fun, honest commentary), 101 Cookbooks (you’ve never seen natural, healthy food look so good), The Perfect Pantry (I’ve built a lot of knowledge about the items in my pantry thanks to Lydia), and Smitten Kitchen (danger: do not read while hungry!).

I’m a picky eater, but I want to learn about food

For some of us, trying new things doesn’t come easy. I was nearly laughed off Facebook recently when I shared that I’d be writing a restaurant review (“Do they serve peanut butter sandwiches and plain pasta?”), but the experience helped me realize that I enjoy more foods than I’m usually willing to try. So, on behalf of the non-adventurous eaters — and the currently hopeless cooks — among us, I asked Michelle for a few ideas about taking baby steps to broaden our horizons and skills.

ML: If you’re feeling skeptical about stretching your food boundaries, baby steps really can be huge. I think whether you’re cooking or you’re eating, if you choose a food or technique that has a similar element or ingredient to something you’re already familiar with it’s easier to make that leap of faith and begin gaining some foodie confidence.

When it’s time to get into the kitchen, seek out recipes from trusted friends or family or on websites that feature user reviews so that you can see what other people are saying about the recipe and the techniques, etc. Read the recipe all the way through (twice) before you even enter the kitchen. Measure out and stage your ingredients ahead of time if you’re not adept at doing all of that while also reading the next step in the cookbook and stirring something on the stove. Most importantly, though, go easy on yourself. Don’t feel as though you’re obligated to love (or to be good at) everything. Find your strengths and develop them into one or two “signature” dishes. . . once you’re confident about those, you’ll be much more inclined to keep pushing your food boundaries!

Stocking your kitchen: the basics

If you’re looking to build your confidence in the kitchen, check out Michelle’s list of five kitchen basics (tools or ingredients) she can’t live without:

Three food basics:

1. good chicken stock — Can be used to make a gravy, give extra flavor to veggies, and to make lower-cal but still wonderfully tasty mashed potatoes.
2. unsalted butter — I much prefer baking with butter to baking with margarine.
3. boneless-skinless chicken breasts — I keep about 6-10 pounds of diced, cooked chicken breast pieces which have been portioned out into four ounce servings in the freezer – perfect for grabbing for weekday lunches or for putting into pastas, salads, or stir-fry dishes after a quick trip through the microwave.

Two kitchen tool staples:

1. a good chef’s knife — Food prep is so much easier when you’re working with a decent knife that feels good in your hand. [FGG note: Try Rachael Ray's versatile 6" Santoku knife, which has a good grip and is easy to use even for beginners.]
2. a decent-quality blender — Crushes ice for slushy summer drinks, but also handy for blending soups, pasta sauces, etc.

One final thought from FGG: Whatever your current relationship with food, and whether you’re a kitchen newbie or a plus-sized girl with the most refined palate in town, hold your head high the next time you order a meal or step into a grocery store. One of the most important steps toward leading a full, rich, unapologetic life is to be intentional and fully present in every decision — including what we choose to eat. By giving real thought and consideration to the food we eat (be it healthy or indulgent), we prove that food doesn’t define us or rule us. It’s just one (delicious) part of our daily lives.

Huge, chocolate-covered thanks to Michelle for making this guide possible! For more of Michelle’s foodie wisdom (plus gorgeous photos and a wealth of recipes you can actually complete!), follow her journey at Culinography. And don’t forget to visit FGG each Friday for a brand new recipe from Michelle!

Readers, we’d love to hear your thoughts on curvy girls and food. How have you worked to reconcile food and weight? What challenges or questions do you still have? And what’s YOUR best in-the-kitchen tip you want to shout about from the rooftops (or the blog comments)?

Confidence is your best asset in front of the lens (Photo by JenniferBanks21)

This week, we asked our FGG fans on Facebook how they felt about having their picture taken, and the responses weren’t too surprising:

“I’m WAY happier BEHIND the lens because I’m always shocked that the girl looking back at me from a photo is really what I look like.”

“Some fat girl always takes my place in pictures, like magic. So weird.”

“I want to stop avoiding being in pictures.”

Whether staring down the barrel of a wedding photographer’s lens or a camera-happy friend snapping yet another round of Facebook pics, most full-figured women have felt that moment of panic right before the flash fires: “Can I squish behind my friend a little more?” “Do my arms look too flappy?” “I wonder if Photoshop has a ‘make me look like Kate Winslet’ setting?”

Tragically, the “Make Me Look Like Kate!” Photoshop action remains but a fantasy. Still, armed with practical questions from several of my best fat girl friends, I took the subject of looking good in photos to a professional. In addition to covering daily assignments as a photographer for the Grand Rapids Press, Emily Zoladz also freelances throughout west Michigan — including a booming wedding business. Emily gamely tackled topics ranging from trout pout to how to light up a candid photo, and even shared her own “can I hide it?” area. (Yes, fit girls have them too!) If you’ve ever wished you could dodge the camera rather than face an unflattering photo, read on and prepare to smile with confidence next time the camera swings in your direction. Knowing how to look our best in photos is an essential life skill for women (and men) of any size, because we deserve to feel fabulous when we look back on ourselves enjoying our favorite occasions.

FGG: What colors other than black are slimming in photos?

EZ: Anything dark, or any combination of dark with light on top (e.g. a dark skirt with a light-colored top). Also, go with what matches your eyes. For blue eyes, navy is a great color. If you have hazel eyes, wear olive or hunter green, and so on. 

FGG: Do you light or pose plus-size girls differently?

EZ: I don’t light full-figured girls differently. However, side filtered light (e.g. coming from a window or a soft box) is going to be more flattering than direct, unfiltered light on anyone. As for the pose, I think you should pose however you are comfortable. If I want you to sit on a window seat but you feel self-conscious about your legs, then go ahead — put a pillow on your lap and hug it. A confident, glowing smile is going to be what draws any eye to your portrait, regardless of the pose.

[FGG note: For a pose that elongates your body in a standing photo, try angling your body and feet toward the camera about 45 degrees but not fully sideways. Extend your outer leg slightly farther than your inner leg, and twist only your upper body toward the camera.]

FGG: Is there a universally flattering or “best” angle that makes a fuller face look thinner or minimizes double chins?

EZ: I would say side profiles tend to be more slimming than a full front-on pose. If I am photographing the side of the face, I can see the subject’s cheek bones more prominently. Practice for this pose by glancing over your shoulder and twisting your torso SLIGHTLY, as if someone has called your name and you are casually looking to see who it was. Also, keep your shoulders back and stacked high, rather than slouching. It may feel like you are sticking your tummy out, but broader shoulders actually create the illusion of a smaller waist. I would also avoid low angles (if your photographer is crouched down below you, pointing the lens upwards), because this will create double chins.

FGG: Does a “best” side really exist for each person? How do we know what it is?

EZ: I think people really do have a “best” side. It all depends on face structure. Noses are a big factor, cheek bones, as well. If you want to figure out yours, study old pictures of yourself and see if you can find any pattern among the “good” ones. Also, practice tilting your face this way and that in the mirror. Do you prefer the way you look like with your head cocked to the side, or facing straight-on?

FGG: Is it possible to pull off a successful come-hither look without looking like a trout?

EZ: [Laughs] I think the best way to pull this off is just to look serious. Don’t think about being sexy, think about being slightly mad. Don’t glare at the camera, just pout a little like something is annoying you. Some people are better at this than others. . . my friend Sasha pulls it off brilliantly.

FGG: What about avoiding half-closed eyes and having them “pop” without looking crazy or bug-eyed?

EZ: This is really up to the photographer. Some people are just blinkers, so you need to take several photographs in case you catch them in a blinking moment. To give your eyes a little “pop” without looking bug-eyed, try raising your eyebrows [a bit] and trying to think more intensely. Exert energy into that smile (or that frown, pout, etc.).

FGG: Let’s talk group photos: Where’s the best place for a big girl to stand if she wants to blend in?

EZ: In group photos, larger figures tend to blend better if they are mixed into the group, not on the end. If you are concerned about sticking out, don’t stand dead center, but don’t also stand on the end.

FGG: Any suggestions for girls who feels self-conscious of particular features, like wide hips, a belly or large upper arms?

EZ: When that camera is raised and you brace yourself into a pose, think about the features you DO like, not the ones you don’t. Everyone has something they are self-conscious about (for me it’s my upper arms). Pose how you are comfortable; if that means having to sit down, or twist yourself sideways a little, do it. A confident smile is key.

FGG: How much retouching or Photoshopping is included with professional pictures?

EZ: Retouching really varies depending on the professional and the purpose. I do retouching in weddings, but only for the bride and groom. I have nipped brides’ chins and necks up a little, firmed arms and pinched waists. Having said that, I won’t do anything that drastically changes the way the bride looks. I am always a little torn doing this, because I want you to look like you. At the same time, if it’s only [a slight adjustment] and it’s the difference between “Oh, I would love this photo but I HATE the way my arms look!” then the editing might be worth it.

FGG: You take a lot of candid shots — what advice would you give to any girl about embracing being photographed this way, which sometimes feels “scary” because she can’t control how she looks?

EZ: People are the most beautiful (in my opinion) when they are just being themselves. Don’t worry about a silly expression or if a shot will be made with your mouth half open. In reality, the photographer is thinking about how the light is hitting you, what angle best creates a clean composition — and then waiting for a particular moment to happen so that we can capture the essence of you. We aren’t going to go with that photo where you look awkward. We just sometimes have to take photos like that until you loosen up enough to show us who you really are.

FGG: Final advice for our readers? Anything goes!

EZ: I know I said it already, but BE CONFIDENT. Your personality is what shows through on film, not some silly jaw clench that you think makes your cheekbones pop.

One of my best friends swears by the “extend your neck out, then tilt your chin down” trick to shave off a double chin. What’s your secret weapon for looking fabulous in photos?

from CurvyAmazon

FGG Girls’ Flick group newcomer CurvyAmazon gets bold and playful with some hot pink for an 80′s themed birthday party – demonstrating that theme parties can be a great way to experiment with fun, attention-getting outfits you probably wouldn’t be caught wearing in public any other time. It’s as though just the idea of a party gives us permission to be sexy, free-spirited beings, vs. feeling like we ought to cover up and spare ourselves and everyone else the sight of our curves.

While we’d love to get the whole plus-size community out from under that presumption, if a theme party is what it takes right now to have some fun with fashion, go for it! And if you can’t find one to hit with your bad, newly liberated self…why not throw one? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner; invite your 50 closest friends and require that everybody wear red. Then get creative!

Thanks to everyone who submitted photos this month! Our group is growing and we love seeing your faces over there. If  you haven’t joined already, get on over there.

And finally, congratulations to MidnighteSkye for winning this month’s photo challenge with her January 10 Photo of the Week, “Make a Statement.” Nice shot! Send your mailing address to letters@fatgirlsguidetoliving.com and we’ll send off your prize!

And thanks to everyone who’s participated in our photo challenges each month since we launched last summer. We’ll continue to do a Photo of the Week each Monday beginning this week (vs. Sunday), but we’ll no longer be choosing one monthly “winner” from those. We love all the photos you’re adding to our Flickr group, so keep ‘em coming!