The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Photo by {Pauly}

I really enjoy the raw honesty and natural beauty in {Pauly}’s self portraits on flickr. It takes a certain amount of bravery to be open and real in front of the entire Internet, let alone to do so every day for a year. When this photo landed in the FGG Girls flickr pool, I kept returning to it. I think there’s a vulnerability and openness there that we can all relate to – and that perhaps we wish we could reveal more often ourselves.

Are you the fat girl who’s quick to crack a joke or make a self-deprecating remark before someone else zings you first? Are you “large and in charge” in order to avoid being perceived as lazy or weak, when inside what you really want is to let someone else take the reins once in a while? Perhaps you’re the type to hide or turn your head when someone points a camera lens your way? Maybe none those issues affect you, but you’d still like to explore ways in which you can be soft and real while still feeling safe. In the bathroom mirror, or with a trusted friend (how about in a bathroom mirror with a really trusted friend), or perhaps in a series of self portraits, like one FGG Girls flickr group member who is doing a series of weekly self portraits as a way of getting reacquainted with herself.

When, why, and how do you allow yourself to feel vulnerable or to be your true self? Tell us in the comments section, and if you decide to edge out of your protective zone – even if just a little bit – in this regard, come back and let us know!

Mirror Love, by Peony

Valentine’s Day is a big deal for a lot of people. Some of you out there started panicking on Monday because there were only two short weeks until the big day. And you’re in a new relationship! And what do you do without making it a big Valentiney deal!?

I’m here to tell you one thing: bold acts of romance inspired by the pressure of the day will not be your friend. This goes double if there isn’t a precedent for the great big thing you’ve thought up.

There are a few classic pitfalls we often fall into in the excitement of new relationships, regardless of whether or not it’s Valentine’s Day – a high-pressure holiday just makes them that much more tempting. Don’t freak out! Get smart and enjoy the day with your new lover in a comfortable, low-pressure environment that will let you relax and be your charming, beautiful self.

Pitfall #1 — The Fancy Dinner

You don’t need reservations for a $200-a-plate candlelit feast. Instead, you’re gonna take the day off work, get out your cookbooks, and put all your new love-energy into whipping up a five-course meal that no restaurant could top. Who needs French chefs when you’ve got l’amour, right? No, wrong. Very, very wrong.

This situation begs for dishes to fail, for you to be exhausted and frazzled, and for the evening to be a whole lot of pressure and very little fun. A better idea? Make something you know you can ace with your eyes closed, like grandma’s famous lasagna, and invite him over for a taste of get-to-know-you. Tell him he can bring the wine. The food is satisfying, you’re relaxed, the kitchen isn’t a wreck, and you get to be the cool girlfriend who didn’t make some weird Valentine’s dinner with heart-shaped toast points smeared with foie gras.

Pitfall #2 — The Fascinating Conversationalist

What will you talk about? It’s way too early to sit there together and play the “No, I love YOU more” game. And it’s a really bad night to pick to have one of those where-is-this-going or “next level” conversations. Maybe you’re planning on spending the next week researching the things he likes so that you can be a super interesting person to talk to. Oh, the fun you’ll have throwing around hockey stats or your matching opinions on political referendums!

Don’t. If you’re not actually into it, it’s going to be obvious, and worse, you’ll only know enough for a conversation or two and then what? If his interest in you grows based on what he thinks you share as interests, you’re setting yourself up for failure later (or exhausting, after months of trying to pretend).

You’d be better off spending that research time learning just enough about him to ask him some really interesting questions. We all like to talk about the things we enjoy, and I’ve yet to meet a man who wasn’t interested in teaching me about his passions when he can tell I’m seriously interested. Not only will you get to learn about the way his mind works and what he likes, but you may stumble on something you two really do share and can enjoy together.

Pitfall #3 — The Sex Appeal

I like lingerie, and I love to buy it and wear it just for me. If someone else gets to enjoy it, too? That’s just a bonus. While sexy, lacey things on romantic evenings is always a tempting option, the pressure of big dates or the first time you plan to sleep together can make it hard to resist. But do resist. It’s  unnecessary, and creates false pressure for what the evening should be about, even if sex will be a part of it.

The same goes for exciting new adventures in bikini waxing and studying up on sexual positions that make you glad you made that New Year’s resolution about going back to yoga. If you haven’t slept together, prancing out in a hot pink satin negligee with a copy of Kama Sutra is quite the opening salvo. How will you top that? It’s all downhill from there.

Go with your gut here, but if you’re not sure what to do or are only doing something because it’s Valentine’s Day, forget spending energy on something just to impress your new guy (or girl). Instead, just do something for yourself. A new pair of cotton panties with a punchy print and matching bra, for example, will make you happy and comfy (and relaxed, and sassy, both of which your new lover is likely to notice and appreciate). The better you feel, the more fun everyone will have, and that’s what your day, and night, should ultimately be about.

Best wishes for a happy, stress-free Valentine’s Day, no matter how you spend it!

- Peony

Webcam smootch, by Rhinovirus

I know there are several sites out there that cater to larger women/BBWs, but do you know of any true “all-sizes” dating web sites out there that don’t exclude anyone regardless of size?”

By now most of us have heard about the publicity stunt, err, debate over Beautiful People, a dating site that not only denies members access if they don’t fit the traditional definition of beautiful (i.e., thin, among other things), but even goes so far as to kick current members off if they gain too much weight. Apparently they just did a post-holiday sweep for members who dug a little too deep into the turkey. Ouch.

For the rest of us, myriad options for online dating services exist – but finding the most fat-friendly of those takes a little peeking under the hood. We did a quick-and-dirty recon; here’s what we found:

AOL Personals
Less its own service and more an aggregate spot for other services like Match.com and e-Harmony (who we haven’t included here, because they’ve got a bad rap for being iffy to fat chicks), a quick browse through here reveals plenty of women in the 14+ size range online here, and a fair share of good-looking men with related preferences (or at the very least an openness to most body types). Membership cost/details depends on which service you end up subscribing to.

Match.com
I wouldn’t have expected it, but of all the general population sites, Match.com seemed to have the largest variety of people and body types – from fat and fabulous to frumpy and shy to sweet and svelte. And, as they say, “it’s free to look.”

Zoosk.com
Ignore the weird name, there are plenty of kindred chubby spirits in here, both men and women, to be found. A quick search of my own zip code (mid-sized metro area) yielded several pages, and most of these people looked suspiciously like you and me. Free to join.

I almost included OKCupid.com here as an option, because at first glance it was a cool idea (and completely free), but a closer look reveals a disturbing number of conversations in their forums about guys frustrated with “fat chicks” for this or that reason. My advice: steer clear.

Finally, for those of you who aren’t familiar with some of the better sites designed specifically for plus-sized singles, here’s a rundown.

More to Love
MTL seems to get high ratings among users and reviewers, and seems a little less focused on “hooking up” and more on long-term relationship starters. Includes chat rooms, message boards and anonymous email boxes. Free to join.

BBW People Meet
Fairly basic, but seems to have a large number of active members. Members can add audio and video to their profiles. Easy sign-up, free to join.

BBW Cupid
Feels a little stodgy, but seems to be a decent dating site. Multiple levels of membership, but free to join, browse, read messages and contact paying members.

BBW Romance
Another site with high user ratings, BBWR is broken down into state/regional sub-sites so members can browse far and wide or close to home. Free to join.

What about our readers? I know I’ve missed some, and that some of you have experiences with those we’ve listed to share. Let’s have it!

Sugar lips, by Peony

In one way or another, 2009 was a rough year for most of us. It certainly goes on record as the year I made a stunningly impressive string of bad decisions regarding men. The worst I’ve ever made, every single time. When three of my best girlfriends independently suggested that maybe I should take a little time out from the dating pool to remember what I’m actually looking for, I knew I was overdue for a hiatus.

In that spirit, I turned the whole month of December into what I called The Great Manbreak Experiment. Two of those three friends decided to join me, and the break from guys has been good for all of us. We’ve seen bad habits and patterns that repeat themselves. And because the list of what you want in a man shifts over time, we were all sorely in need of an update.

My favorite part of this whole experiment? A guy friend served as our guru. He’s broken down the kinds of guys I go for, how they run their games, and what to watch out for. I’m pretty sure he could take this on the road and make a lot of money telling women the things they were too close to see for themselves. One particularly valuable lesson came up in conversation one night, and I want to share it with you, because the friends I’ve mentioned it to have all made the “epiphany face” when they realized they had all dated a guy who did this. Tell me if you have, too:

So you’ve met this guy, and he looks GREAT on the “datability” resume. You’re psyched because you think things should definitely work out, but then he slowly (or in some cases, not-so-slowly) turns out to be really different than you thought he was going to be. Maybe the chemistry is great, but there’s just something that’s not feeling quite right.

It’s the blow jobs. Think about it. It’s not the act itself, but it’s in the timing in which he brings it up. This is a big thing to watch out for. Guys who bring it up early on may be broadcasting that they’re selfish and not really respecting you. Reasonable people are on their best behavior the first couple of times they go out on a date. It’s important to most of us to put our best foot forward so that the person we like will like us back. If broaching the subject of blow jobs right away is his very best, most gentlemanly way to treat you on an early date, things are not going to get better with time. Just a couple of these guys can end up souring our whole dating experience.

We all expect men to feel out the possibility of sex at least a little bit. It’s human nature, and let’s face it, sexual attraction is a big part of dating. But there’s an ocean of difference between a guy feeling things out without the expectation of immediate fulfillment, and one using a respectable facade to fly under your radar and go straight for what he wants. If he’s enough of a gentleman to say he’s happy to hold off on sex until you’re comfortable and the two of you know each other better, he should be enough of one to never suggest, even through masked  questions, that you service him in the interim. The blue balls excuse was already old in high school.

Therefore, in 2010, getting head from me will require a waiting period to make sure that only the genuinely deserving are treated to it. I’m going to do a better job of respecting myself and my body, and I’m going to find men who are not only a great match for me, but who also make my pleasure their priority every bit as much as their own. That’s my dating resolution. And I wish all you sexy, single, beautiful fat girls out there a 2010 graced with handsome men who not only adore you, but who are worth of having every bit of their affection returned. Above and below the belt.

-Peony

FGG welcomes a new, regular contributor – our very own sex columnist, Peony Benoir. She’ll be here each month to feed us a fun, entertaining, thoughtful and ultimately inspiring column on her experiences with sex and dating as a single, fat girl. Enjoy!

When the topic of fat girls comes up, it’s often about fetishists or rude things that men say or psycho-social body politics. I’d like to talk straight from the trenches with honest conversation about the joys and perils of being a sexy, single fat chick. I was mostly single for a long time, then suddenly I found myself madly in love. I ended the relationship about a year later and found myself single again. And dating is different this time — really different.

Before The Ex, I was an alpha bitch, and I worked hard at it. I was determined to not get hurt, and refusing to be vulnerable is a good way to do that. It’s an even better way to never get what you want out of love. The Ex managed to breach my defenses – broke me wide open – and it remains one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. Putting that protective shell back on hasn’t been easy or particularly desirable.

Since I’m lauding The Ex instead of hating him, you might be wondering what he taught me. He’s the first man who, from the beginning, loved me because of my body rather than in spite of it. Big difference. He helped me connect my hidden, mental temptress to my body and taught me to use it skillfully and boldly. I have learned to become a seductress, and it’s a lot of fun.

Once, I could have made you a two-page list of the qualities I have and things I would do for people to try and make up for the fact that I’m fat. If I am perfectly groomed and well-dressed and charming and funny and cook well and don’t make demands, surely this will make up for me not looking like a swimsuit model. I focused primarily on his pleasure, feeling that if he worked to give me any, it would be one more thing I’d have to make up for.

This was all completely ridiculous, of course. I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t feel enthusiastically entitled to getting plenty of head, regardless of how attractive, successful, or blessed by the penis fairy he may (or may not) be. I no longer have any interest in anyone who doesn’t see my body for the soft, creamy, sensual playground that it is. And I have no time for anyone who isn’t enthralled by the prospect of sharing in my nearly insatiable and wildly creative sex drive.

Being equally sexually demanding and voracious is something women still aren’t really permitted to be, regardless of size, but it’s especially true for fat chicks. The prevailing assumption is that we’re supposed to be grateful for any attention we get, and we have no right to be picky and demanding about it.

Screw that.

If you haven’t gotten out of your own way and just let people be into you, try it…pronto. The truth is that men like sensual, smart women of many sizes. They like variety and intrigue. The ones that only like pneumatic fembots aren’t worth a second glance, even if you are magazine cover material. Once I stopped putting out the protective vibes of frigid wrath, men came out of the woodwork. Most of them were men any girl would be thrilled to have interest and attention from. Yet the only difference between the old me and this one is my attitude about myself and my own value. That kind of attitude adjustment is one we all need from time to time–I dare you try it on for size and let me know how it goes.

I’ll be here every month to talk about my experiences and challenges with sex as a single, fat girl. Got questions? Ask me anything.

- Peony

The gorgeous Dyanna on Flickr

Last week we poked around in the married sex lives of FGG’s editors to offer advice on keeping the fire lit down below after you’ve been married for awhile, post-childbearing belly and all. And while lots of advice on married and single sex can certainly be interchangeable, both have unique challenges – we knew a separate feature on sex and the single fat girl was in order.

Unlike married women (who ostensibly already have them), single women have the added challenge of finding men who are attracted to curvier, more ample bodies – or who are at least curious and open to trying something new. You’d be surprised how many of those guys are out there. Unfortunately, they don’t come with signage. Or instructions.

That’s okay, we’ve got you covered. So to speak.

Give your brain a makeover

Whether you’re single by choice or looking high and low for The One, whether you’re free and casual about sex or more reserved, it all starts with you. Sexiness is born in the brain and propagates throughout the body until you’re practically vibrating with it. It doesn’t come from anywhere else – not your perfume, your clothes, your friends or the guy you’re talking to. The sexiest clothes can look awkward on a woman who is ashamed of herself or trying too hard, and a woman who loves her body and respects herself can turn heads in an old t-shirt and jeans.

Even if you have to fake it until you truly believe it (even thin women often do), self-confidence is a turn-on no matter what size you are. If you’re in the habit of negative self-talk, you’re not only unlikely to score a guy worth having, you’re probably not going to enjoy it very much even if you do.

Don’t focus on the fat

Whatever you’re focused on, a guy just getting to know you in the bar or in the bedroom will be focused on the same thing. If you’re constantly adjusting your clothes or lingerie to hide this bulge or that dimple, he’ll be distracted and you’ll seem distant and uncomfortable. Go with choices that accentuate your assets, but that you’re familiar with so you know what they cover when you’re sitting/standing/walking, so you can forget about babysitting your wardrobe and focus on more important things. If you’re worried about him seeing your belly in bed (or just want to tease a little with a peek of your rear-end – guys love this) a t-shirt or baby doll with nothing underneath is a great option, and a sexy balance between modest and daring.

Whatever you do, don’t bring the fat into the conversation. Even guys who like larger women are turned off by those who keep apologizing for their weight or disparaging themselves.

If that doesn’t convince you, remember this: it’s hard to relax when you’re obsessing. It’s hard to orgasm when you’re not relaxed. Enough said.

Let the real you out to play

When you’re uncomfortable with yourself, temptation is high to pretend you’re anyone else but you. Maybe it’s as subtle as a different laugh or tone, or as obvious as listening in horror as things come out of your mouth that you would never say. Even nervous or exaggerated body language can betray who we really are.

Slipping into a modified identity might feel less vulnerable in the short term, but that’s a tough act to keep up. Sex is so much more satisfying when you can let go and know it’s 100% you that’s turning him on. Besides, how will he ever know you share his geeky fascination with backyard weather stations or his love of albino bulldogs if you’re busy channeling Anna Nicole?

Prime your body

Did you know that Kegel exercises not only strengthen and tone your vaginal muscles, but also help to condition your abdominal muscles as well? Talk about a two-fer!

If you’ve been diligent about Kegels, you already know the sexual benefits they bestow. You feel more sensitive, he feels more snug and stimulated, and chances are the intensity of your orgasms will be kicked up a few notches. Any guy will tell you that they can’t get enough of a woman that’s clearly getting a lot out of their sexual experience together.

Also: stretch. Especially if you’ve got a particularly large belly or thighs, you may have to make some modifications to favorite positions. Being limber can mean the difference between fun, playful, satisfying sex and feeling awkward or defeated.

Make use of props

In darkness or very dim light, curb shy feelings by surrounding yourself and your lover with lots of luxurious pillows. It helps a soft, curvy (or let’s face it, often lumpy) body blend in instead of feeling like it sticks out like a sore thumb. Though remember: he still probably doesn’t think so.

If you’re braving the bright light but feel a little too exposed, tangle yourself up in a decadent sheet, leaving the good bits exposed for playing.

Get creative with positions

The positions that will be most satisfying for you and your partner will vary depending on each of your body shapes and preferences, but with a few modifications, large women can make any position hot. Below are the ones we hear the collective, fat-girl rrowr from most often.

Doggie-style: Women say this helps them feel less vulnerable, men say it lets them get in deep. Win/win.

You on top: Make this easier by having him sit in an armless chair, or, better yet, laying on a weight bench. Afraid of your belly bouncing around? Wear a tight t-shirt, or straddle him in a short skirt with nothing underneath. That’s both a tease and a girdle. Another win/win.

If you go missionary: Put a pillow under your butt. It helps him have easy access, and it funnels belly fat away from your pelvic area where all the action is happening, making you feel less self-conscious.

Stand up and bend over something: The bed, the back of the couch, the counter. You can press your belly against the surface and make it disappear, and the rest of you is less prone to the spreading effects of gravity that can happen in bed.

Need more? Check out what some FGG Twitter followers had to say on the subject:

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Don’t be afraid to try something new. Sex is frequently funny and bodies are weird, so it’s not a big deal if the position doesn’t work. It’s about feeling good, which doesn’t always mean that you look your very best. So what? I don’t like the way I look when I’m on top, but it feels AMAZING and guys are fond of the fact that your boobs are in their face, their hands are free, and they get to watch your face. You won’t break him. I swear. Even if he’s shorter than you or half your weight (I’ve done both).

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As counter-productive as it might sound, I have a huge appreciation for the female form and I found that when I point out women I think are sexy while we’re out or even in pictures on chat or email, it’s a huge turn-on for him (and if he’s a new date, he’s caught completely off guard). And that turn-on instantly translates into his pursuit of me, and lots of exciting sex.

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If you have any inclination toward the alternative lifestyles and are shy about checking it out because you don’t look like a porn star, you’re doing yourself a disservice. These are some of the most accepting, positive groups of people you can find. Their ideas and choices fall outside of the mainstream, and their definitions of what makes a person desirable encompass more than how you look in a bikini. Seeing women of all ages and sizes in various stages of undress being happy in their bodies while in public was a very liberating thing.

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If I’m afraid I’ll be too nervous or shy to orgasm during sex, I like to get myself off while he lays next to me. By the time I’m done, he can barely stand to wait a second more and we have some intense, wild episodes (albeit short sometimes), and I don’t have to worry about whether I’ll get there if I’m too focused on my body and what he thinks.

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The biggest enemy is your anxiety. Potential lovers are far less judgmental than we think. I have yet to meet one who wasn’t into confident, clever, sensual women who are enthusiastic and responsive when it’s naked time.

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What did we miss? Share your thoughts about shameless sex for the single fat girl in comments!