The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Sometimes, a traditional bra silhouette simply won’t do (Satin and Velvet by ktpupp)

It’s simple math, really. Warm temperatures + sleeveless tops and dresses + wedding season + an ongoing need for chest support = this timely question, which FGG editorial spotted in the wild on FatChic:

OK, we all can tell right away that this top needs a proper bra. While I’m certainly using my own resources to find one, if you know of a great strapless bra for a 46/48C, by all means let me know. I’d really like to own one that doesn’t require copious use of Hollywood tape.

Because every woman’s body carries a different combination of chest circumference, cup size and breast characteristics (shape, separation, and, er. . . deference to gravity), it would be impossible for FGG to identify The One Perfect Strapless Bra, Amen, and call it a day. What we have done to tackle this issue, however, is round up a variety of retailers that offer strapless bras with larger band sizes or larger cup sizes — as well as offer some reminders about how to choose a bra that fits.

Strapless bra fitting basics

For starters, the ideal game plan is to shop for your strapless or convertible bra in person, rather than ordering online. If possible, select a store that offers professional bra fittings. It’s important to not only try on the bra to ensure it fits without being visible under the dress or top you plan to wear, but also to make sure it stays invisible and provides complete support as you twist, turn, bend, reach, dance, and go through other event-appropriate motions. The band should fit snugly so it doesn’t slide or slip down while you wear it; any gaps between the material and your body mean you should be re-sized. Additionally, for women with large busts, molded cups and an underwire are going to provide the best possible support.

If you have the time and financial resources available to order several bra styles and sizes in search of The One, then your selection opens up considerably. Many online retailers offer sizes, styles and colors that might be more difficult to track down at in-person retailers. Additionally, sites like Big Girls’ Bras, BraExperience.com, and Linda The Bra Lady aggregate dozens of fat-girl-friendly brands into a searchable (by size, brand, style, color, etc.) hub for easy comparison and ordering.

Locating a strapless/convertible bra in your size

While strapless bras are definitely daunting to the more endowed among us, bra shopping can be just as challenging for women whose stature combines a larger chest circumference (42, 44, 46. . .) with a modest B- or C-cup size. For these ladies, finding bras that fit is often tricky for the same reason some dresses or low-cut tops are unwearable — designs for full-figured women frequently assume that plus-size = large breasts. And while that’s more than true for some of us, I have several friends who exemplify the pear or apple shapes and who don’t need their 46″ band size to come with a double-D cup.

The good news for plus-size girls of chests large and small is that options do exist, if you know where to find them. In addition to the sites listed above, possible online hunting grounds include Hips & Curves (which offers a four-way convertible style that extends to sizes 50B and 48DDD) and Bare Necessities® (this Goddess bra comes in sizes up to 46H or 48B-DDD). The usual plus-size fashion suspects carry some promising options as well, although in a less extensive size range: Torrid’s strapless options stop at sizes 44D-DDD, neither Lane Bryant’s regular strapless nor its plunge style bras extend beyond 44DD, and Avenue offers just one convertible bra, in sizes topping out at 44B-D or 46DD. (Avenue’s sister store, Jessica London, does offer a Glamorise style available in sizes that include 46C and 46F.)

In 34 years, I’ve owned one convertible bra (via Lane Bryant), which I wore with clear straps multiple times and as a strapless garment only once — under a spaghetti-strapped bridesmaid’s dress. To be honest, it was the completely wrong size for me at the time of the wedding, but I wore it extra tight on my ribcage because I was terrified my girls might come tumbling onto my dinner plate. Fortunately, everything remained contained for the duration of the festivities (even during a particularly spirited play-acting of “Paradise By the Dashboard Lights”). But if I had it to do over again, I’d love to try out this model from Elila, which claims to “hold even the heaviest busts while shaping beautifully.” Sounds like my DDD-cup of tea.

That’s your cue, readers: Share the secret of your magical strapless bra, including why it’s the best fit for your shape. Or tell us about the shenanigans that ensued the time you bought the bra that didn’t fit.

You’re busy. We get that. Catch up here. (Image by thewaltonsare)

Here at FGG, we understand busy lives–nurturing, working, gardening, entertaining, remodeling, traveling, healing, being. We know that everyone’s to-do lists can extend for pages, making us even more grateful for you readers who take the time to visit, read, and comment on this site. True confession time: sometimes, we mark the dozens of posts in our RSS feeds as “read,” despite the brief pain of knowing we’re missing some great stuff from our favorite sites. In that spirit, at the end of each month, we’ll be offering a roundup of what you may have missed or might want to revisit.

Here are some highlights from May:

If it’s late spring where you live, many public swimming pools and water parks opened this past weekend. Our Guide to Figure-flattering Swimwear for plus-size women should prove helpful, along with our Ask FGG entry that tackled sarongs for wider hips – and don’t forget your sweatproof (and waterproof) sunscreen when you hit the pool, girls! If you have a garden party or barbecue to attend, consider bringing these Ricotta & Cream Cheese Stuffed Strawberries – a treat as pretty as it is fresh and tasty. On the more decadent side, these Cupcake Cones make an equally pretty and unique party dessert.

If you’re stressing about attending events where you’re the only big gal there, our thought-provoking Guide to Surviving Social Situations with Skinny Friends might provide a welcome confidence boost. Other feel-fab tips can be found in our Guide to Flattering Hair Cuts for Round Faces and tips on adding sleeves or other cover-ups to sleeveless dresses – or choosing to love your arms just the way they are, per our readers’ suggestions. This month’s Sex and the Single Fat Girl column addressed conflicting feelings that can emerge when stepping out with a date who’s significantly different from you, and It’s A Guy Thing tackled the gulf between media portrayals of women and the reality of today’s plus size population.

To catch up on the rest of FGG during the month of May, check out our archives for more.

Readers, tell us: what was your favorite or most surprising topic from this past month? Coming up: FGG celebrates its first birthday! How do you think we should celebrate?

Cute, casual pants are a great staple for every wardrobe

I’d describe myself as less “fashion challenged” than “generously erring on the side of comfort.” Jeans or capris + long- or short-sleeved tees = one happy me. I do love finding unique, feminine blouses and dresses for special occasions, but for everyday? Low-key is my fashion mantra.

Sometimes, however, too much of a good thing can backfire, as it did for me in recent years. Gaining over sixty pounds while having kids caused me to take the whole comfort thing too far, in part because I was very, very tired and also because I had to re-learn how to dress my post-babies body. Where I’d always worn tops for a small chest and bottoms for a flat belly, I now had an entirely new shape to adorn (turns out baggy, curve-hiding clothes made me look heavier, not smaller). Writing for and editing FGG has helped me upgrade my fashion sensibility from a slouchy, “who cares” attitude to one that proves that casual can still be cute. Also, since learning to dress to flatter the body I have now instead of pining for those pre-pregnancy days, shopping has become fun again.

That’s where these Mona pants by Gloria Vanderbilt® come in. They’re versatile (easily dressed up or down), they’re comfortable (smooth, lightweight, stretchy fabric) and they’re flattering (able to leap my curves in a single bound while also forming a nice, straight line without tapering into the dreaded “mom jeans” territory). More to love: in addition to these straight leg pants, the Gloria Vanderbilt® Mona is also available as Capri pants and Bermuda shorts, they come in sizes 16W-24W and as of this writing, all are on sale at Kohls.com.

Tell us, girls: Have you learned any new tips on how to dress for your body type? Found any cute, casual plus size styles on sale? Share the stuff you love in comments.

Sarongs spice up a curvy girl’s summer wardrobe (Image by Gummo)

Dear FGG: I love the look of sarongs as bathing suit cover-ups, but they never wrap all the way around my hips, and either one thigh or my whole front is left totally exposed. Am I stuck with “one size fits most” but not me?

I share your pain. “One Size” anything — especially items designed to wrap around the hips, where my body is its fullest — always leave me feeling like I’m trying on doll clothes or shopping in the junior’s section. The good news for full-figured girls with hips, thighs, butts and tummies is that we can absolutely get the comfort and breezy, flirty look of a sarong in sizes that actually fit. All it takes is a bit of savvy shopping.

The sarong (or pareo) is one of the most basic pieces of clothing you’ll encounter; ultimately, it’s just a long, rectangular piece of fabric — that’s it. The creative aspect of the garment comes in both how it’s worn (as a skirt, as a dress, as a cover-up) and how it’s tied. Full-length (to the feet) sarongs are usually about 44″ long, while knee-length skirts stop at about 22″.

As with any plus-sized garment, the key when you’re shopping for a larger sarong is to check the sizing carefully. For example, we found knee-length and ankle-length options at Swimsuits Just For Us, but the widths are 52″ and 56″, respectively, which the site lists as fitting sizes 1X-2X. If your hips are well within those measurements or you don’t mind your skirt being substantially open on the side where it ties (and thus not providing 100% coverage), these options are probably just fine. Other sarongs might be advertised as plus-size but don’t offer width measurements, which makes them risky for larger hips and thighs, as well. If you’re ordering online, make sure you understand and feel comfortable with the return policy when you order in case the garment doesn’t fit.

Because the sarong is so versatile and designed to work with extra fabric, a wider-than-necessary purchase isn’t a terrible thing, so err on the side of extra inches rather than something that’s too small. We like the look of the double-layer sarong pareo wrap skirt from Sabine Silks ($39.99 in sizes that fit up to 6X or 24/26) and the basic colors (and sale prices) of the georgette styles from Sassy Sarongs (66″ wide, from $29.99).

If you’re feeling more of the traditional Polynesian vibe and want something brighter and more floral, options abound at Feedora. Finally, don’t forget to check out our old friend Etsy, home to a number of the most reasonably priced finds in made-to-order dimensions. My favorite was this 70″ x 42″ hand-dyed batik print for only $30 (I’m a sucker for the color combo of chocolate brown and aqua), but you may prefer the same dimensions in orange or purple. — or possibly even this black & white silk ($58.00; 66″ x 26″).

Whichever sarong you choose, this fun and flexible garment that can be worn any way you feel most comfortable and attractive. Have fun experimenting with styling until you find the pattern and tie configuration that’s right for you.

Have a lead on a great source for sarongs that fit or the most fat-girl-flattering tie style ever? Share it with your fellow readers in comments.

A “date” dress by molmanik

Dear FGG: I have five weddings (3 indoor, 2 outdoor) and a christening to attend before Labor Day. Got any suggestions about finding fun & tasteful special-occasion dresses in plus sizes? Thanks!

Girl, are you ever in good company! Spring and summer are boon times for weddings, graduations, reunions and other dress-up occasions. This question hit home for me as I mailed my third 2010 wedding RSVP this morning — another still looms on the horizon — without having a clue what I’m wearing to the first schmancy occasion this Saturday.

For some of us, locating a dress we feel comfortable and confident in can be such a chore that we may default to either wearing the same outfit to every function or hastily grabbing the first option that fits. Fortunately, dress shopping for fat girls is no longer about settling, and there are scores of plus-sized possibilities out there for us to recommend, from fun and flirty to black-tie appropriate.

Beyond the LBD

Sure, every girl needs a fabulous little black dress in her closet, but graduations, daytime or outdoor weddings, and other gatherings with a less formal feel are prime opportunities to showcase your figure and personality in dresses that go beyond solid, dark colors. We found several affordable and cute dresses that fit the bill at Old Navy, of all places. Their surprisingly robust (yet online-only) plus-sized collection extends through size 4X (28/30) and includes both bold colors and sleeved, feminine looks.

Other more casual finds: Lane Bryant offers several dresses this season that play on the black-and-white, geometric trend. We also located a handful of flattering, sleeved options for arm-conscious girls. And my friend Katie fell so in love with the flirty styling and lilac color of this LucieLu creation, all she needs now is a wedding to crash.

Dress to impress

When the occasion calls for a more formal style, you can still look for pieces in cuts that flatter your curves. Online retailer Kiyonna (sizes up to 5x or 30/32) is on the pricey side, but the dresses are curve-hugging and often to-die-for. (Although seeing them modeled by the gorgeous Ashley Graham probably doesn’t hurt, either.) If you can sift through the rhinestones and Scarlett O’Hara-wear, alight.com has some classy options in a wide range of price points. We also adore several looks from SWAKDesigns. Available in sizes extending to 6X (32/34), these dresses have a knack for being sexy, yet gala-appropriate. And who wouldn’t feel like a bombshell arriving at her high school reunion in drop-dead red?

Whether you go casual or cocktail, remember to choose a dress that stays put and moves with you if you plan to hit a dance floor. Now share with us, readers: What is your favorite dress-up outfit? And where do you turn to find special-occasion style?

Raindrops refrained by davidezartz

Dear FGG: I’m a size 24 and I’m not having any luck finding a cute raincoat for spring at local stores. Got any ideas?

Rainy days can either make you feel dark and gloomy or playful and earthy – it’s all about your attitude. Fortunately, this question led us to a number of cute finds that had us ready to throw on rubber boots and go puddle stomping. Better yet, many are currently marked at sale prices. Win/win!

Depending how dressed-up you want to look, the classic trench coat is always a great option that can take you from spring to fall. While some of you girls might shy away from belted jackets, they’re actually flattering because they highlight your waist (yes, even if it’s thicker), which balances your silhouette and keeps you from looking boxy. The clean, crisp looks offered by TravelSmith (sizes up to 3X or 24/26) and Woman Within (sizes up to 34W) are perfect for wearing to work or on dressier occasions. Be sure to check the sizing chart before purchasing, because not all 3X measurements are created equal. According to the Macy’s sizing chart, for example, their 3X DKNY long rain coat only accommodates a size 22.

For a more casual style, try Junonia’s Cloudburst rain jacket with brim hood (sizes up to 6X) or the packable Anorak rain coat from TravelSmith. Items from the Weather Solutions® line  from Woman Within, are reasonably priced and available in plus sizes to 34W or higher. Opt for a basic Anorak style with drawstring waist and detachable hood, or add some pizazz with a shiny, patent look or an A-line swing and cheerful punch of color.

Finally, consider taking a bold, “new beginnings” approach to the season — stow your dark, heavy winter coat in the closet and step out in a pure white trench with black floral border from Avenue. Available in sizes up to 26 and priced under $60, this flattering coat (yes, big girls can wear white, too!) says “welcome, spring!” all over.

What styles have kept you warm and dry lately, ladies? Leave us a comment describing your rainy-day must-haves.

Even for weddings, my brothers and I don’t really do “traditional”

Chances are it’s happened to you already. Perhaps it was your sister, your best friend or your college roommate. You may have been over-the-moon excited, or you may have agreed with a pasted-on smile and a sinking stomach. Regardless of the circumstances, almost every fat girl will eventually face the question, “Will you stand up in our wedding?”

Having answered “yes” three times so far (2002, 2005 & 2008), I found myself saying “I wish I’d known back then…” several times as this Guide came together. Weddings can bring all kinds of emotions — both happy and bittersweet — to the surface, but for fat girls they also bring the potential stresses of conforming to a dress code, standing for long hours, and appearing in photos that will be kept forever. If that last sentence has you wanting to throw in the taffeta, hold onto your garters and see if our Guide gives you other ideas.

Make the best of your dress

Let’s get this out of the way: Unless you’re attending the Coolest, Most Laid-Back Bride in the History of Time, you’ll likely be asked to wear a dress that wouldn’t be your first choice, or possibly even something you’d wish on your worst enemy. For better or worse, brides sometimes begin planning their weddings with very specific mental images about how everything will look, and bridal party attire often plays a large role. Accept that fact. The sooner you do, the less painful everything else will be.

So, while you may not be determining fashions for the entire wedding party (more power to you if you are – go buy that awesome bride a drink!), some brides will be amenable to a request or suggestion if it’s approached just right. We recommend whittling your bridesmaid dress wish list (Remember: Not. Your. Wedding.) to the one item that’s your absolute deal breaker–and then avoiding the phrase “deal breaker” when you offer feedback. Maybe you know from experience that you’re too busty to pull off strapless without an NC-17 rating. Maybe skirt-and-top separates don’t provide enough coverage in back for you to move comfortably without exposing skin. Or maybe you’re just hoping and praying for a cut that doesn’t wrap your tummy or hips in a death grip. Part of signing on for bridesmaid duty is agreeing to be flexible, but your bride likely wants her ‘maids not to hate her — or at least to look good in photos.

Although the rule of thumb is to begin with a style that flatters the largest bridal party member(s), if your bride’s not a fat girl herself, she may not be hip to this idea… yet. Try to be as honest as possible with her while respecting her role as decision maker. (This part is especially important if she’s leaning toward a dress that doesn’t come in your size.) Offer to shop or pore over endless bridal mags with her (either in person or online). Show her some fabulous options that are fat-girl friendly and non-frumpy (see below). Share photos from a gorgeous wedding you attended where each bridesmaid selected her own dress in a color of the bride’s choosing.

If, despite your best efforts, the mandate is a dress you just can’t live with, the decision becomes yours. You can grin and bear it (and never, ever look at the photos) or politely decline. Both choices have their repercussions; follow your gut to decide which one is right for you in the long run.

Beyond the butt bow

Let’s assume that you’ve snagged some level of control over your fashion fate — where do you turn now? Fortunately, the world of plus-sized fashion continues to expand by the season, giving prospective bridal parties more flattering options than ever before. Superstores like David’s Bridal offer many dress styles (including separates, which allow you to mix different sizes for top and bottom) in sizes to 26, with some options extending to size 30. Sizes at online retailer Sydney’s Closet range from 0-44, though you’ll pay extra for sizes above 26. Other suggestions include inweddingdress.com (creative styles in sizes 2-26W), PS Bridal (discount online retailer specializing in plus-sized dresses and guaranteed fits, sizes 0-32+), designer Alfred Angelo (carries sizes 0-30W) and TheRoseDress.com (sizes ranging from 0-28 or small-6X, depending on designer). When my brother got married in 2008, my sister-in-law gave us free reign on dress selection. I thanked her profusely, then fell in love with a tea-length green number from IGIGI (see photo), although their bridal party pickings are currently a little slim.

When it comes to fabrics and cuts, remember that stiffer fabrics (satin, taffeta, velvet) don’t drape as nicely as more fluid options (crepe, chiffon, silk) and may add the illusion of more weight to your hips, waistline, etc. Ruffles and excessive pleating will do the same thing. A-line cuts generally flatter most figures and are more forgiving of larger hips and thighs, while interesting necklines or details draw the eye upward and away from your lower half. If you’re busty, be sure the top and straps offer enough support to keep you from spilling out.

Alter before altar

As we learned previously here at FGG, tailors can do wonders for your finished silhouette with a few nips and tucks. Consider enlisting a professional to help you look your best in bridesmaid couture — whether it’s a simple hem job for short girls or something more elaborate like contouring the waist, moving the straps or taking in the bust. The second time I was a bridesmaid (2005), the bride and all three of her attendants were plus-sized. Sizing for the burgundy dress she selected stopped at 24 back then, so we three ‘maids took our gowns to a local seamstress to have them sized more appropriately. In addition to hiking up the skirt a solid five inches for the shortest bridesmaid (yours truly), for two of us that meant adding a panel of fabric to the skirt, which we had wisely included with our purchase. It’s always better to purchase extra fabric at the same time you buy the dress; the odds are better that the color and sheen will more closely match your existing palette. Fair warning: The additional fabric and alterations tacked about $100 onto the price of the dress (thankfully, ours were purchased on sale).

A strong foundation

All the gown-selection care in the world won’t matter if you don’t dress the part underneath. For big girls like us, that may well mean taking one for the team and making peace with your Spanx. In addition to smoothing the line of your hips, tummy and thighs (which will help the fabric drape more smoothly and improve your silhouette for photos), the control provided by shapewear can give you a bit more confidence as you move down the aisle or shake it on the dance floor. I’ve fought a lifelong battle with shapewear but have had genuinely good results with the Spanx Super Power Panties. The top portion comes high enough to enclose my tummy without rolling down, and the legs don’t pinch, chafe or leave impressions, which is a huge relief. They’re pricey ($32) but they smooth the lumps that show on my hips otherwise.

Equally important is a good bra, especially if your dress is strapless or sleeveless. Both Lane Bryant and The Avenue offer convertible bras that can accommodate numerous strap configurations. If you plan to have your dress fitted, be sure to take and wear your convertible bra for the fitting so the tailor can adjust accordingly.

Accessorize your assets

If you get to select your own shoes for the big day, choose a pair that work with your dress but also won’t lead you to cursing under your breath two minutes into the ceremony. Chunkier heels provide more support and stability but don’t always look as cute with formal dresses. Heels make your legs look great, of course, but they also increase the weight-bearing pressure on the balls of your feet and the toes (good time as any to try gel inserts?). Even if you’ve hand-picked your shoes (and especially if you haven’t and are wearing bride-issued heels, sandals, etc.) consider packing a pair of ballet flats to change into for the dancing portion of the reception.

Some brides choose wedding jewelry as the “thank you” gift for their attendants; this is another area where it pays to be respectful but open with your bride; standard necklaces or bracelets may not fit a plus-sized girl’s neck, wrist, etc. My sister-in-law gave us knockoff pashmina shawls in 2008, which I loved. Even if your bridesmaid dress doesn’t include a wrap or shrug, arm-conscious girls can always bring one of their own to don after pictures (or before, with bride’s blessing).

Finally, if you’ve got the cash for it, say “yes” to any pre-wedding mani/pedi or massage pampering. It’s a great way to bond with the other members of the wedding party and the bride (especially if you live far apart), and it will help make you feel pretty, primped and sexy for the day of the wedding. Hair and makeup can be another glamorous treat (sometimes the bride pays, sometimes you do), but be sure you’re using a stylist that your group trusts. I’ll never be able to create the amazing makeup job done by the stylist from my Bridesmaid ’05 stint, but I’ve also seen friends horrified and bawling after a pro makeup job produced drag queen results.

Through it all, a little perspective

Years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of one of my best high school friends. Things were chaotic from the start: She lived in Denver, I lived in Chicago, and the wedding was in Detroit. Truthfully, I had no business holding the MOH title, since her sister did most (okay, all) of the work. I was young, broke, recently un-engaged, and a train wreck of epic proportions. On the morning of the wedding, we all had our hair done at a local salon, and I foolishly turned myself (and my ultra-long, willful hair) over to the care of the stylist without much direction. She suggested an updo that involved knots of some sort; I deferred to her and zoned out. Ninety minutes later, I was sobbing on my mother’s shoulder because my lifeless hair was skinned back from my head, emphasizing all the wrong things about my heaviest-weight-ever features.

Looking back on it now, I wish I could relive that day. Not because I’d do my own hair (though I have ever since) or because I’d ditch the ridiculous white nylons I wore under the dress (yeah, I don’t know), but because my attitude was all wrong. Being asked to stand with someone as they take their vows is an honor and a privilege. True, it often costs us an arm, a leg and a few shreds of our dignity, but it means we’re loved and cherished enough to be in the innermost circle. We’re flattering ourselves if we think all of those eyes are on us during the wedding instead of on the bride and groom. And as a bridesmaid, you only have to “ooh” and “aah” over the photos once or twice, not mount them on your wall.

So I had knots on my head for one day out of my life…who cares? When I look at the one photo I hung from that day, I don’t see the stupid knots or the remains of my tear stains — I see how much Rebekah cared about me and wanted me to be by her side. I’m reminded about how much she still means to me. And I see a friendship worth wearing Spanx for. Hopefully, each of us is lucky enough to have at least one of those friendships in our lifetime.

What are your best bridal party tips and tricks, or your “oh, hell — never again!” bridesmaid stories? Share all the juicy details in comments.