The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Nothing says “vacation” like accessorizing with a paper umbrella

If you caught last week’s Part I of our Guide to Taking a Cruise (and if you haven’t yet, what are you waiting for?) you’re in good shape when it comes to researching and packing for the big trip. Read on for ways to make yourself at home aboard your chosen vessel.

Cruise with confidence, ladies!

Many first-time cruisers feel anxiety about their safety aboard a large liner, or what will happen in case of an emergency. Rest assured that every cruise, no matter what line you choose, begins with a mandatory safety drill for all passengers. During your first night on the ship, you’ll don a life jacket and gather with your fellow passengers (likely in the theater or auditorium) as staff review all safety procedures.

If you’re cruising as a fat girl, you may also have concerns about the logistics of these safety procedures. Questions range from “Will the life jacket fit?” to “How safe are those lifeboats, anyway?” While the best resource for answering your specific questions is often the cruise line staff (and I have heard of travelers bringing their own life jackets in extreme circumstances), take comfort in the fact that these devices are incredibly adjustable. Even for an incredibly, um, over-blessed girl like me, the most uncomfortable part of the safety drill wasn’t wearing a big, awkward vest over my girls – it was sitting in a squinchy auditorium chair (more on those later) during the lengthy rundown. Further, all of the transitional vehicles you’ll encounter on a cruise (lifeboats, tenders to take you to and from smaller islands, etc.) are tested and sturdy enough to withstand far more than any of us could throw at them.

Three words for stateroom selection: Location, location, location.

Part I of this Guide asked you to sort out your priorities for your overall cruise experience, and the same rules apply when choosing your stateroom. Get out the map of your cruise ship (visit your line’s web site or Cruise Deck Plans) and do some research. Avoid booking a room that adjoins with another unless you’re traveling as a family or group and know exactly who you’ll place on the other side of that wall. If you’re a light sleeper or otherwise noise-sensitive, you’ll want to steer clear of rooms under hotspot common areas like restaurants, pools, theaters, or casinos. Elevators and stairways also generate lots of noise and can be heavily trafficked at all hours, so the rooms farthest away will be the quietest and experience the fewest passerby disruptions. If mobility is an issue, however, opt for a location near the elevators so you’re not forced to cover the length of a hallway every time you visit your room. Wheelchair-accessible rooms are also available.

Veteran tip: As a general rule, the closer you are to the back of the ship, the greater the chances you’ll be affected by machinery noise (especially from the rudders) and ship movement. If you’re prone to motion sickness, choose a stateroom as close to the front of the ship as possible.

If your stateroom were truly a state, it would be Rhode Island.

Although the average hotel room offers approximately 300 square feet of space, the equivalent price point in cruise cabin accommodations only averages between 150-200 square feet. Unless you upgrade to a suite, mini-suite or villa level, your whole cabin – beds, seating and dressing areas and yes, the bathroom – will fit in a narrow space about as large as a medium-size bedroom. The good news is that cruises offer so much to see and experience that most travelers don’t spend much time in their staterooms unless they’re sleeping, changing or getting ready for the day. My friends and I put that theory to the test in 2008 when three of us shared a single, interior (windowless) stateroom for nine days. (You’d be amazed how much luggage will stow under a twin bed.)

Most dual-occupancy staterooms provide two twin beds that can be combined to form a queen; if you’re booking a cabin that accommodates three or four passengers (as we did on the NCL Jewel) you may also encounter upper berths that fold down from the wall to create a bunk bed-like effect above the twin beds. While the upper berths may sleep a child comfortably and safely, they are decidedly not fat girl-friendly. We took one look at the relatively flimsy bolts and hinges and decided we’d be pulling the mattress off the platform and down to the floor for bedtimes. There was exactly enough space between the twin beds to slide the third twin mattress, and we each climbed in and out of our respective bed from the foot.

Veteran tip: Unless you’re ready to get super cozy and take turns hitting the floor, it’s worth checking to see if a mini-suite with a pullout sofa would be comparable in price or a worthwhile splurge.

Bathroom accommodations require some creative maneuvering.

Even if you’re flush enough to afford a suite or a room with a balcony, don’t expect the upgrade to automatically extend to the bathroom. Bathing accommodations remain mega-tight and shower-only unless you spring for the highest price digs, which then may include shower/tub combos and space enough to not bang into walls when turning around. Otherwise, plan to spend as little time in the bathroom as possible and get your relaxation fix poolside or at the spa.

Bathroom layouts vary from ship to ship. Some designs include glass or plastic partitions between the toilet/sink/shower portions of the room; others turn the toilet at an odd angle to accommodate the cramped room layout. Toilets also frequently sit awkwardly close to the wall, forcing taller or heavier cruisers to adopt a sideways seated position (or temporarily remove the toilet paper holder) in order to provide hip clearance and avoid knees hitting the forward wall.

When it comes to the shower, expect another snug experience. Whether the space is closed off with a shower curtain or a door, there won’t be much room to spare. This is another subject ripe for the boards at Cruise Critic or CruiseMates, where you can read firsthand accounts from fellow travelers — some members will even have specific room measurements or photos to share. Everyone in our plus-sized group did fine in the NCL shower, but if necessary, you can always ask for extra towels to line the floor outside the shower area if the curtain or door won’t close fully. Wheelchair-accessible rooms offer more generously sized, roll-in showers, but ships offer limited quantities of these rooms and they are often occupied by cruisers requiring a chair for day-to-day mobility.

Veteran tip: Another great option for more spacious showering (and leg shaving!) is to visit the ship’s fitness center, where you’ll find larger shower stalls and possibly in-stall seating.

“All-inclusive” doesn’t cover everything.

Whether you’re cruising freestyle or sitting down to formal dinners, the food is sure to be decadent, plentiful and rich with variety. Avoid any unwelcome surprises by knowing exactly what your “all-inclusive” package really includes. In most cases, all food served in onboard restaurants will be included (some ships may charge a cover for certain restaurants; see Part I of this Guide). Many ships extend the all-inclusive rule to a limited menu of room service items as well. Coffee is included, but soft drinks and alcohol are not. Each time you purchase a non-included beverage, the bartender or wait staff will swipe your cruise ID just like a credit card, with all charges (usually including a transactional gratuity) going directly onto your room bill.

If soft drinks are a must-have (or if you’re hoping to keep your umbrella drink expenses to a manageable amount), consider purchasing an all-you-can-drink soda pass. For a fixed price (usually priced out per day; we paid approximately $55 for nine days), you get a sticker or card entitling you to free fill-ups anywhere on the ship. The price may seem steep, but with each can/glass of Diet Coke costing $2-$4, this was cheaper than ordering separate drinks – plus gratuities – a few times per day. Be ready to make a decision quickly, though – this offer is usually only valid on the first day of your voyage. And if you’re picky about Coke vs. Pepsi, you may be out of luck.

Make your dining experience easy and enjoyable.

When it comes to seating, freestyle cruisers will encounter the same realities present in mainland restaurants: each setting will offer a different table, booth and seating configuration, so it’s a matter of requesting the setup that’s most comfortable for you. Try doing a tour of the many dining room options after getting settled on the ship so you know which ones will offer challenges (narrow armchairs, for example) and plan your meals accordingly.

If you’re opting for traditional dining room meals, check in with the maitre d’ before your first meal and request a chair with no arms, or a table that’s easily accessible from a main aisle so no one needs to squeeze by your chair, etc. Taking care of this when you first board the ship will usually enable you to reserve your preferred table and seat for the duration of the cruise.

Veteran tip: Research the tipping policy on your ship. Many cruise lines employ a fixed gratuity scale (e.g. $10 per day, automatically billed to your room account) to “streamline” tipping on the boat and cover the many staff members you encounter during your voyage. Other lines offer the option to increase/decrease the gratuity provided to housekeeping vs. dining staff, etc. Be sure you know how much you’ll be billed and what other services might incur additional gratuities (spa services, each bar beverage etc.).

There’s a way to feel comfortable in almost any part of the ship.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned by now it’s that cruises have something for everyone, and that includes a comfy place to sit. From poolside restaurants to various bars and lounges, armless chairs, stools and loveseats are plentiful. Deck chairs are remarkably robust and usually armless. Sometimes the more tucked-away outer promenades will even have stacks of lounge chairs to set up in sun or shade. One of our favorite spots on the Jewel was a velvety plush, oversized chaise in the largest lounge; it comfortably accommodated three sprawling cat-nappers on our at-sea days.

The one exception to the “make you comfy” rule seems to be the auditorium seating in the ship theaters. Travelers on most ships report these seats to be narrow (ours sure were) and without the moveable armrests you often find at the local multiplex. Once again, scope out the theater during (or after) the mandatory emergency drill and see if there are armless chairs. These will likely fill quickly during shows, as will aisle or end-of-row seating. If you plan to attend one or more shows (NCL’s Cirque Bijou performance was amazing), be sure to hit the theater early to score your preferred seat.

Lastly, never be afraid to ask the ship’s staff for recommendations or assistance with any special need or request you might have. They’re accustomed to solving on-board challenges and are there to make your cruise experience all it can be. Good luck and happy sailing!

What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before you cruised? Or what questions do you still have? Tell us in comments.

Charlie’s pre-op glamor shot

As an adult, I’ve never been overly concerned about what I put into my body. For one thing, I was a fall-down drunk for 15 years—which meant that my four food groups were beer, whiskey, potato chips, and Alka-Seltzer. I did not eat breakfast from 1981 to 1996, unless you count the daily ritual of Coca-Cola, aspirin, Tums, and a multivitamin. In those days, my weight fluctuations depended more on the type of job I had (or didn’t have) than on my eating habits.

Even when I got sober, I didn’t really watch what I ate, figuring that giving up alcohol was my lifetime deposit in the Karma Bank. (I also believed life owed me a pass on the felony of my choice.) So if you held up a food item and asked me how many grams of fat it contained, I’d shrug and ask, “Why should I care?”

Then, last March, I had a stomach pain unlike any I’d experienced before. And considering I’d been a blood-puking drunk 14 years earlier, that’s saying something. There was no nausea, just pain. Lots of pain. I tried conventional therapies: antacids, acid-reducers, and anti-gas pills. Nothing worked. I lay down, stood up, curled into a ball. Still nothing. I even drove myself to the nearest emergency room, but it was a busy night for automotive stupidity, so I decided not to wait and drove home. Then, about 3 hours after the pain had started, it subsided.

Believing it to be an isolated incident, I made no dietary changes and went on as before: take-out, fast food, etc. Then, 3 weeks later, the pain returned. This time, I decided to ignore it, and went out for tacos. That attack lasted 5 hours. Fast forward 3 weeks to yet another attack. Then, on the night following my wife’s birthday cook-out, I awoke with a knifing pain so bad I had to consider for a moment whether I was having a heart attack. After an hour the pain stopped, and I wasn’t dead. So I ruled out a coronary.

I decided to consult that bastion of medical information—the Internet. After wading through miscellaneous anecdotal reports and discounting the extra-horrible diagnoses, I arrived at “biliary colic,” a condition resulting from a gallstone, blocked duct, or otherwise faulty gallbladder. “Hmmm,” I thought. “I should see a doctor.”

My doc examined me and ordered an ultrasound, which showed a stubborn gallstone lodged in the neck of the gallbladder, which (appropriately for me) is shaped like a wine skin. So, it was off to a surgical consult. As you may have guessed, the surgeon recommended surgery, sort of the way mechanics recommend brake jobs. Being a coward, I asked about alternatives. Being a surgeon at heart, he said there were none. The only problem was, the next available slot for elective cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) was 6 months away, in October. I asked what I should do in the meantime to prevent further attacks. “Eat low fat,” he said.

Fear of excruciating pain is a great motivator. And in this case it served as a wake-up call that I was no longer 22 years old, and that I had to pay at least some attention to what my body was telling me. So I was faced with the choice of counting fat grams or risking another 5-hour attack of stabbing gut pain. Since I had no idea what my daily fat intake was, given a totally unrestricted diet, I figured I should find out. Short answer: 110 grams. I had (and still have) no idea if that’s high or low. But, to be safe, I figured I’d cut that number in half.

I eliminated all fast food and take-out (except for Vietnamese and Indian food) and then took a whack at my home eating habits. No more peanut butter. Peanut butter, when it comes to fat calories, is Satan in a candy-apple red Caddy. And Satan’s girlfriend is mayonnaise. So out they went. Then I just substituted low-fat versions of everything else I ate: low-fat sausage, low-fat waffles, light bread, 2% cheese, pretzels instead of potato chips, Fig Newtons instead of Chips Ahoy, etc. Then I took a recount: 45 grams. I’d actually cut my intake by 60%.

Best of all: it worked. The 45 g/day low(er) fat diet kept me attack-free for 6 months, right until my surgery date in October. As a bonus, I lost 23 pounds, going from about 208 to about 185 lbs, and I dropped a pants size.

The surgery itself was done laparoscopically at an outpatient surgical center. I was in by 1pm and out by 7pm, and my recovery was swift and uneventful. I was off painkillers 4 days post-surgery and was able to eat normally within 2 weeks. Having lost the luxury of willful ignorance, I remain at least partially aware of my fat intake, even if I allow myself the occasional éclair, and I’ve managed to keep 20 of the 23 pounds off. And while it certainly worked for me, I don’t recommend a stubborn gallstone as a weight-loss program.

Charlie O’Hay is a poet whose work has appeared in over 100 literary magazines, including Gargoyle, The New York Quarterly, and West Branch. He currently works as a freelance advertising copywriter and manuscript editor, and blogs at It Ain’t All Pizzas and Cream.

My friends, today is World Nutella Day. A day all about decadence. Decadence and Nutella, that wonderful hazelnut spread that makes people all over the world* swoon in delight. Perfectly nutty and chocolatey, I can eat the stuff straight from a spoon. I try not to though (okay, not much) and, instead, channel my Nutella love into something at least a bit more nutritionally responsible. A teeny, tiny bit.

These Nutella oatmeal thins are a nice balance of yummy decadence and portion control. They’re light and thin, so they don’t pack a gazillion calories in each bite; but they’re also wonderfully rich with just the right combination of chewy and crispy, so I know I’m indulging in something great!

The cookies are easy to pull together, but do require just a little bit of patience. They’re quite soft fresh out of the oven and need to cool on the baking sheet for 10 or so minutes to firm up before being removed to a wire rack to cool completely. Using multiple pans will definitely make your life easier (and get you to the finished product more quickly)! Store the finished cookies in an airtight container and they’ll be great for several days after you bake them. Want to take it to a whole other level? Pair them up with some vanilla ice cream!

*I’ve heard rumors that there are people among us who’ve never had Nutella and, therefore, don’t understand its joy. If you are one of those people, I beg you…try it! Can’t find it? Don’t want to indulge in processed foods? Make your own! Come on over to Culinography later today for a great recipe!

Nutella Oatmeal Thins
(recipe courtesy of Baking Bites)
1 cup plus 2 tbsp all purpose flour
1 tbsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter, room temperature
6 tbsp Nutella
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 cup quick-cooking oats (not instant or regular)

Preheat oven to 350F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a large bowl, cream together butter, Nutella and the sugars until mixture is fluffy. Beat in the egg and the egg yolk, followed by the vanilla extract.

Working at a low speed or by hand, gradually blend in the flour mixture and the oats (if you don’t have quick-cooking, pulse whole rolled oats in the food processor to chop them up a bit). Drop teaspoonfuls of the batter (1/2-inch balls) onto prepared baking sheet, leaving at least 2-inches between cookies to allow for spread. Bake for 10 minutes, until cookies are set.

Cool on baking sheet for 10 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container.

Yield: 6-7 dozen cookies

Looking for more great recipes? Visit my blog at
http://culinography.wordpress.com

Most nights, a couple of hours after dinner, I find myself thinking about dessert. Scavenging around the kitchen looking for something sweet, I discover I have a few choices: skip dessert, grab a big glass of water, and try to distract myself; sniff out the nearest chocolate bar or bowl of ice cream and indulge just a little, or find something in between – balancing sweetness with responsibility.

Depending on the day, any of these options are perfectly acceptable in my world, as long it’s a conscious decision rather than mindless eating (my downfall). However, I try to choose the middle road and throw together something that satisfies my sweet tooth and might even provide a little nutritional benefit, too.

One of my fast favorites for a reasonable dessert option is actually also something that’s a breakfast favorite – a yogurt parfait. For about the same calorie intake of a half cup of ice cream, I can have organic yogurt with a punch of protein and antioxidants, and get a little more fruit into my day. Win-win? Yep… and I’ll save the chocolate bar or the ice cream for a day when I really need it.

Blackberry and Granola Yogurt Parfait
1/2 cup lowfat, organic vanilla yogurt, divided
1/4 cup blackberries (fresh or frozen, unsweetened – thawed)
1 tablespoon granola
4-6 raw almonds

In a small bowl, layer in 1/4 cup of yogurt, blackberries, another 1/4 cup of yogurt, granola and almonds. Relax and enjoy!

Yield: 1 serving

Looking for more great recipes? Visit my blog at
http://culinography.wordpress.com

He wasn’t kidding about ’70s fashion for boys

We’re excited to announce the debut of “It’s a Guy Thing,” featuring our new columnist, Charlie O’Hay. Each month, Charlie will address everything from how guys perceive the feminine form to the weight-related struggles many men face to raising confident daughters. Please give him a warm welcome!

Until I was 10 years old, words like “diet” or “calorie” were rarely if ever heard in our house. Then my dad had a heart attack. At the age of 39. And everything changed. There were strict rules and forbidden foods, plus calorie-wheels, and bookmarked low-cal recipes everywhere. It was the 1970s, so there was no shortage of self-help or health-guru books. And my parents used them, liberally.

I watched as my dad struggled, truly struggled, to drop the weight. After all, he was a man for whom food was his only excess. He worked at a bank, didn’t drink, didn’t gamble, and he and my mom had slept separately since I could remember. Yes, he smoked. But it was the 1970s. Even the cat smoked. But food was his pleasure, his refuge, his sex, his toy, his love.

My dad and I were a lot alike. Looking back at the curled, sepia-toned photos of his teen years, it was easy to see myself in him. I was chubby, what they then called “husky” (a term that still brings a twinge of shame and a sprinkling of rage when I see it in the context of body size). I was also hopelessly un-athletic, owing in part to a severe birth injury to my right arm, suffered when my mom’s obstetrician attempted to deliver me using hot dog tongs. Being both un-athletic and unpopular at school, the focus of pleasure for me was food. The after-school box of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups was something of a standard. Back in the day (mid-1970s), Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups came 24 to a box, 12 to a layer, and separated by a sheet of brown cardboard. Making it to level 2 meant I’d eaten over a dozen. If I stopped halfway through the box, my mom thought I was coming down with the flu.

So while my dad shrank, I grew. And for those of you who may not remember the fashions of the 1970s, it was NOT a good decade to be either a teenager or chubby. Someone decided that loud plaids, corduroy pants, and broad collars were the epitome of beauty. Going to a department store was an exercise in hopelessness. The clerk would grin, and gently nudge me toward the “Husky” section where the loudest plaids and most deeply ridged corduroys awaited. Someone clearly thought that nobody would notice I was fat if they were blinded by an orange and yellow plaid shirt hovering ominously above brown cords.

So somewhere between the pages of Dad’s diet books, the “Husky” department at Wanamaker’s, and the Hall of Shame that was phys-ed class, my body image was forged.  In 1979, my dad had another heart attack and died. That same year, I sprouted and discovered I liked whiskey better than food. In my adult life, despite a bit of middle-aged dough around the middle, I’ve been what some would even call thin. I’ve been blessed to have loved (and been loved by) some exceptional women in my life, each of whom in her own way assured me that the lions and tigers they’ve faced in the arena of body self-image would make my demons look like the Easter Bunny.

I’m honored that Tee and Toni have asked me to write a regular column for TFGGL and hope it will be a long and mutually beneficial relationship.

Charlie O’Hay is a published poet whose work has appeared in over 100 literary magazines, including Gargoyle, The New York Quarterly, and West Branch. He was awarded a fellowship in poetry and literature from the Pennsylvania Council on the Arts in 1995. He currently works as a freelance advertising copywriter and manuscript editor. He is married to Cecily Kellogg of Uppercasewoman.com and they are parents to a dynamic and beautiful daughter.

Don’t try this at home. But do try some of these recipes.

It all started on Facebook, when an acquaintance mentioned making the shrimp-stuffed poblanos recipe in the latest issue of Cooking Light for dinner. I was entering my grocery list onto my iPhone and added “Cooking Light,” since I’ve yet to meet a poblano I didn’t like, and I hadn’t read the magazine for years. Why? I’d grown tired of all things “diet” and “light” and “fat free” and “artificially sweetened” and “blast your butt” and “tone your abs” and all of the other promises of perfection made in bright, bold fonts at the checkout stand. I wanted to learn how to cultivate a sensible relationship with food and to make good eats using real and tasty ingredients, and I started doing just that.

Fast forward to my post-grocery-shopping reading, and you may now color me impressed and inspired by Cooking Light magazine. It’s not only for people watching their weight; the recipes are just plain good and emphasize moderation over artificial sweeteners or crazy substitutions. Many of the meals could easily pass Michelle’s muster for a Foodie Fridays entry. Like Fettucine Alfredo with Bacon, Roast Chicken with Balsamic Bell Peppers, and Chocolate-Cherry Heart Smart Cookies.

Then came the kicker: the January/February issue features 10 rules for eating in 2010 that read like a FGG laundry list of mindful decadence: “try something new,” “cook more often,” “eat more whole foods,” “indulge adventurously.” I also loved the “Dinner Tonight” section that ends with – be still my menu-planning, grocery-listing heart – a food shopping list for each recipe! Swoon.

This just goes to show that not all things labeled “light” will leave you feeling deprived or spin you into “diet” mode. Bravo, Cooking Light!

Got a favorite food-related read? Share it in the comments.

Breakfast: the most important, and often most unappreciated, meal of the day. I’m usually the first to bring out the old excuse that I “don’t have time” to cook myself a decent breakfast during the week. Too much going on, too many hits applied to the snooze button, too many people to get out the door, whatever. All empty excuses. Because what you see pictured above is a more than decent breakfast, and it only takes 15 minutes to make. Slow-cooked does not always mean time-consuming and labor-intensive, and trust me when I say that this is oatmeal is light years better than the instant, add-water-and-nuke variety that comes in a rip-open packet.

Even if you don’t have an extra 15 minutes during your weekday mornings, I know you have at least that much time over the weekend – the perfect opportunity to make a double batch! Though best freshly made, this oatmeal keeps fine in the fridge (we portion ours out into individual “grab and go” servings), making it just as easy as anything else you could choose for breakfast. It’s also versatile for those of us who get bored easily. You can switch up the fruits, the sweetener, the flavorings and the nuts to suit your mood or, if you’re me, what’s in your kitchen.

No more excuses for skipping breakfast when there’s such an easy, filling solution that also packs a great one-two punch of fiber and protein. Join us in the comments section and share your favorite ways to customize your bowl of oatmeal!

Spiced Oatmeal with Fruit and Nuts
2 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
3 1/2 cups water
1 cup raisins, dried cranberries, dried mixed berries, etc.
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
pinch of ground nutmeg
3 tablespoons dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1 cup low-fat milk, divided
1 cup pecans or almonds, toasted and roughly chopped, divided

Combine oats, water, fruit and salt in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. When mixture reaches a boil, reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 4-6 minutes, until oats are tender. Remove oats from heat and stir in vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg and brown sugar. Once spooned into serving bowls, top each with 1/4 cup milk and 1/4 cup nuts. Sprinkle with a little more cinnamon if desired and serve immediately.

Yield: 4 servings

Looking for more great recipes? Visit my blog at
http://culinography.wordpress.com