The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

A guest post by Kira Nerusskaya

Hello, fellow fat girls!

My name is Kira Nerusskaya, and I am a fat girl with a dream. A dream so simple, that it seems completely reckless and ridiculous: I would like people of all sizes to be treated with the same respect as everyone else. We seem to feel our “non-fat” counterparts achieve respect simply by breathing, even though we’re sharing the same air!

The most honest, humblest words are usually—the truth. Like Dr. Martin King, I think people should be judged by the content of their character not by the color of their skin. But, I have often said that I would like to further extend his definition to add “nor their size.”

People may call my simple dream reckless because everyone seems to think that you not only cannot be fat, but you shouldn’t be. And if you are, well, tough—deal with it—as if fatness equals and demands deservedly poor treatment.

Yet up until now, that’s exactly what we have been doing. But we are a little tired—tired of cruel fat jokes, glares, stares, and uncalled-for shouts on the streets, denial of possible romantic partners and proper health care, unequal professional treatment and/or discrimination in the workplace. Programmed weight stigma is alive and well in our society, we face it daily, and it’s come to be regarded as the norm. Yet somehow I am always surprised. I remember reading about curvy girls in the UK. One person commented that she didn’t understand how these plus-sized women could be pretty since they “must sit around on the couch eating Bon-Bons all day.” I remember thinking, “Are you for real?” I hardly think I am the exception: I have been fat all of my life, and have never eaten a Bon-Bon, and haven’t owned a couch in 10 years.

Fat stigma and negative stereotypes continue-even when our culture says they’re trying to embrace it.

Clearly, we still need a voice, and better yet, a voice attached to women on film, happy women who are happy in their bodies, out living and loving life, and themselves. What an important thing for the world – not just Americans – to witness.

I was introduced to the BBW (Big, Beautiful Women) community years ago by a male stranger on a railroad platform at New York City’s Grand Central terminal. He approached me, asking if we had met at Goddesses –  New York’s premier dance party for BBW singles and the men who admire them. I checked it out, and immediately knew that I was among friends. I had finally found my people.

I’ve always thought that we as a group should be documented, but from the inside, and thought that film would be the most powerful venue way capture the fat acceptance movement. I had been kicking around the idea for years, and now I just wanted to get on the street with a camera. As I sat alone on the bus thinking people must think, as Kim Brittingham has said, that “fat must be contagious,” I knew it was time to roll up my sleeves and get started.

So, despite a very demanding full-time job, I went down the block, had a t-shirt made, took a ten-minute “this is how you use the camera” lesson, took a picture with my deli guy, then pointed my radar and my camera toward the 2006 BBW Vegas Bash in 2006—and I haven’t looked back.

I didn’t stop with the U.S. Fat shame knows no boundaries—not gender, age, color, creed, economic status, profession, level of education, or nationality. So I turned to what I knew best, Russian literature, and thought about a book that was dear to me: Voices from the Chorus by Andrei Sinyavski. A collection of thoughts, overheard conversations and letters Sinyavski had written and received while imprisoned in the Russian Gulag, this book was the inspiration for my framework on how I would present the conversations in my film. I wanted to collect voices from the fat chorus, the voices of and about women living and working and playing every day.  Here’s what I found:

In England we had some good laughs, despite that there are many differences of opinion, and there’s definitely a need to bring better plus-size sources and clothing to the country.

France was familiar, I lived there in the early 1990s, and why I never had a problem with language, culture or how I was received by the French, I was heartbroken to watch the way they would be cruel to a fat person buying vegetables in the market. Because we don’t eat vegetables, right? Just Bon-Bons. And on the couch.

In Russia, it was like being home. Actually, it’s my second home. I loved meeting women from both Moscow and St. Petersburg. Talking about culture, we laughed together when I told them that I related more to the Russian Matriyoshka doll (the Russian nesting doll) than Barbie, even if she became a feisty brunette. And impromptu discovery on the way to the bus was one of my favorites: I met two other fat women. We smiled at each other as we sized each other up. They liked my clothes, I liked their honesty. We became friends, and, it turns out, they were plus-size clothing retailers with a booming business!

As I visited these countries, it was clear that their size acceptance movements were in a different place than ours, but still growing, and very grass roots—like any socio-political movement. They’re on their way, and seem happy to move in a positive direction, toward loving their bodies and themselves—and helping others to do the same. In all cases, the it was the warm sense of support we all received from each other, as we do here, that stuck with me most. Twelve thousand dollars and many hundreds of hours later, and I am left awed, grateful and honored for the many people who have shared their thoughts, hearts, and lives with me during the production of my documentary, Fat Girls Float.

Worldwide, plus-sized men and women are fighting for a very basic need: to be accepted. Our story needs to be told, and I thought who better to tell it than one of our own? Someone who knows what it means and how it feels, physically and psychologically, to walk down the street carrying 300 pounds. and so I have produced this documentary virtually by myself, from holding the camera, losing audio, making connections and tracking down people to talk with, promoting, asking, setting up travel, blogging, logging, cataloging and everything else under the sun necessary to tell this important story. It was worth it.

But I’m not finished, yet. I want Fat Girls Float to have an international audience, and I could use your help. Please check out and then pass along the film trailer to everyone you know, and if you’d like to help push this project over the top, consider a donation through Kickstarter.com, an organization dedicated to helping spread important messages through art.

‘In a culture where fat can weigh you down, the only thing that keeps you from sinking is the size of your heart.”

—KIRA

Photo: Swimsuits on the Line by Ed Yourdon.

Today’s guest post is an essay by Jill Long, an artist and married mom of two who lives near Madison, Wisconsin. You can see some of her work at beaulahblue.etsy.com.

A New Voice

I wore a swimsuit today. A swimsuit. My swimsuit. One layer of clothes was removed and I stood practically bare in front of seven strangers, 5 a.m. and ready for laps. I’d removed more than clothes. I stood naked, layers and layers and layers of what removed? Shame? Something has changed in me.

I know when I started getting fat. We moved. Far away. My husband had a wonderful job that he loved, but it kept him at work until seven or eight or later every night. I had a wonderful job that I loved, but it kept me at home all day with two small kids and a pantry full of food. And I thought I had to be perfect, my kids had to be perfect, my house had to be perfect. And then I had to have another job, too, because people always asked, “What do you do?” and then they got that look on their face that said, “Oh.” Back then, when I was always alone and so young, I thought it mattered, what they thought. So I got up at six and took care of my kids all day and then stayed up until two or three trying to build an art business, slept for a few hours and then ate to keep myself awake during the day. As I started to gain weight and lose sleep, a voice in my head started to tell me some awful things.

And then, we moved and we moved and we moved. I always had plans to lose weight or exercise or make some change, but the change was always pack, or paint, or set up our lives, or dismantle our lives. It didn’t matter, because that voice, that voice that had started to tell me those awful things, had already convinced me that I had no value. It convinced me that I would never be successful at anything. It convinced me that I am not worth getting to know. It convinced me that I am dumb and ugly and uninteresting and illiterate and a million other things. It even convinced me that chocolate made me feel better than anything.

I haven’t worn shorts in seven years. I never wear short sleeves. It’s not so much because I think I look hideous; I do think I look hideous. But before today, I would never have considered subjecting others to my hideous body. I know that’s not such a crazy idea because I’ve heard what people say: why don’t they just f%cking lose weight, “fat ass” this and “fat ass” that, and a million other awful things said about fat people. Heck, I’ve probably laughed at some of them. I just happen to know why they haven’t f%cking lost weight: it isn’t always f%cking easy.

But something has changed in me: I think that voice might be a liar.

A guest post by actress Jenny Gattone

Think of me as a war correspondent- frankly, it’s a jungle out here. I speak of course, of the City of Angels. And I’m right in the thick of the battle – a chubby girl trying to make it as an actor in Hollywood.

I like to joke that when I’m on set I feel like a bull in a china shop. Film actresses are incredibly tiny, so I’m only half-kidding. I lived and worked in New York for about five years before doing a pilot, acquiring a manager, and moving across the country to work with said manager. I was terrified, wondering what would happen to me in the much more cookie-cutter world of Hollywood. What’s interesting, though, is that I actually work more in LA than I ever did in New York. A LOT more. I’m happy to tell you that despite how things look on television, Los Angeles is not a sea of blond highlights and fake boobs.

Well, maybe a little. There is a more uniform sense of what is beautiful here. I’ll be honest: show business, no matter where you are, is rough on a chubby girl. There are going to be directors that flat out will not cast a fat girl no matter how fierce you are. You may be compared to appliances (in my case, a refrigerator), and the blunt and objective way people will deal with your looks can be soul-sucking. But that’s true for every actor. On the bright side, I can look at an audition breakdown and peg the chubby girl part. (Hint: if they don’t flat out say fat, they usually mention the character’s love of food. Seriously.)

But as rough as it is on a chubby girl, it’s actually tougher on the non-chubby girls. You couldn’t pay me enough to be an ingénue in this town. No way, not with what I see some of my friends go through. A chubby girl is an as-is purchase. What you see is what you get. What are they going to do, say “How fast can you lose 75 pounds?” Yeah, sure, give me a year. And it’s a loooooooong day on a set. The skinny girls look so sad when lunch is served and they turn it down. Shoot, heck yeah I want a sandwich, I’ve been here nine hours!

One thing I’ve learned through LA’s skewed sense of beauty is that thin girls don’t really have a leg up in the self-image department. I haven’t seriously entertained the idea that being thin would solve all my problems since I was a teenager, but I was still astounded to discover that I seem to be more comfortable in my own skin than many of my thinner peers. It makes me sad to see so many of them try to come to terms with the ways in which they don’t resemble a swizzle stick and accept those things as “flaws.” It’s frustrating the way women are expected to live up to those unhealthy standards of thinness. I would love to see a full-scale revolution of women in this business. I would love to see us all, regardless of shape or size, stand up and say, “Fuck this!”

Unfortunately, there will always be women who will happily maintain a double-digit weight to work in film.

Right now you must be thinking, so how are things not as bad in LA as they look? My friends, it’s all attitude. You have to rise above the mind games. You have to grow a thick skin and see how beautiful you are no matter what they throw at you. Because truth is, most on-screen women aren’t any more beautiful than you and I; it’s amazing what a well-paid beauty professional in this town can do for any actress.

So girls, no matter what society tells you – directly or indirectly – about what is and isn’t beautiful and how appropriate it is to recognize and appreciate yours, screw them – feel it, recognize and appreciate it anyway. I try to, and I’m getting better and better at it as I go. Besides, I’m doing all right here. I’ve done a couple pilots, gone in for some cool films, I belong to a fantastic theatre company in Hollywood that I absolutely love, and I’m in my second show this year.

I also collaborated on a screenplay that’s now in pre-production. The heroine? A chubby girl. Because there’s no shortage of us off-camera, and one of my career goals is to get more of us in front of it.

Jenny Gattone

Keep your cool at your next check-up. Image by House of Sims on flickr.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed., is our inaugural guest blogger (and the crowd goes wild!). Karen is a psychotherapist and author who specializes in the psychology of eating. Please give Karen a warm FGG welcome, share your experiences, and ask any questions you may have in the comments section. –The FGG Editorial Team

When you’re fat, the only thing more worrisome than the bad news you might hear when you visit the doctor is agonizing about what might be said about your weight. You’re likely to get an unsolicited earful. One of my clients was admonished that she could positively not see the doctor unless she weighed in. Another never got a chance to share her health concerns because her physician spent the entire visit urging her to get lap-band surgery. Yet another was told she’d be refused treatment by her nurse practitioner unless she dropped 40 pounds.

What’s a girl to do if she needs a check up or has a health emergency and happens to be a few score overweight?

Be a smart shopper. Remember that you are first and foremost a consumer of services and that it’s up to you to see that you get what you (or the insurance company) are paying for. Everyone is entitled to go to a health professional and have their concerns heard and responded to in an appropriate and professional manner. Everyone is entitled to be shown respect, kindness and compassion when they walk through that office door. And, everyone is entitled to assert their needs and express dismay/anger/frustration when they’re not met—including fat girls.

Speak up. If you’re unhappy with how you’re treated by health professionals, say so, not only to teach them about how you want to be treated, but to empower yourself. If you’re seeing a healthcare provider for the first time, just be yourself and try not to be anxious. There are no rules. Maybe you want to talk about your weight and maybe you don’t. It’s fine to say that weight is a sensitive issue and that you prefer to talk about it when you know the provider better. It’s also fine to say nothing at all in defense of your reticence.

If providers insist, stand on the scale so you’re facing away from the mechanism that measures your weight, and ask staff not to say the number aloud if you don’t want to hear it. Or be bold and tell them that you know you’re overweight and don’t need the scale to tell you so. Better yet, volunteer whether your weight has changed, even if it’s gone up. Take charge—ask why they need to know the exact number, why a weight range isn’t sufficient. If you’re receiving medication, medical staff might want a specific number to assess correct dosage.

Think ahead. Call before an appointment if you’re worried you won’t receive a gown large enough to discretely cover your body. Maybe even suggest the practice invest in plus-size gowns if they lack them. If you require help getting up on the table, ask for a stool and take your time climbing on. You’ll probably end up waiting for the doctor anyway, so what’s the rush?

Be prepared. In the case of visiting a health care practitioner who has hassled you about your weight in the past, feel free to provide some education that it’s fitness and health that count, not simply poundage. Do some Internet research and bring it along. If you’re taking action to lower your weight and feel like it, tell the doctor. Maybe you’ve joined a gym, started therapy or are reading my books. Most importantly, stay calm and maintain control of the agenda. Doctors’ visits seem to be getting shorter and shorter, so write down your questions and concerns ahead of time and tick off items as you get responses. If the doctor brings up your size, try a gentle reminder that weight isn’t the issue at hand. If he or she presses on, make the reminder a teeny bit less gentle.

Go for a team or collaborative approach, not a combative one. Most health care professionals really do want you to improve your health and often feel powerless to help you. Leave the chip on your shoulder behind and try not to personalize or read intentions that aren’t there into well-meaning or professional remarks. Although you don’t want a provider who treats you like a naughty child, you also don’t want to act like one.

Exercise your right to walk. Don’t be afraid to change practitioners. People do it all the time for any number of reasons. I’m on my third GP since I moved to Sarasota almost four years ago. Keep at it until you find someone you trust who listens to your questions and concerns. You deserve to have health care providers who will help you take excellent care of yourself.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist, educator, national speaker and international author who is an expert on the psychology of eating. She has a private practice in Sarasota, FL and does world-wide telephone therapy. Learn more about her and her books at EatingNormal.com and NiceGirlsFinishFat.com.

There are thousands of important, engaging and inspiring voices in our ranks – both women and men – with expertise and advice (or just a unique experience) to lend in health, fashion, dating, lifestyle, travel, business and a whole host of topics that affect us as “fat girls.”

Each Wednesday we’ll turn FGG over to a guest blogger with a great topic they’d like to share. If you’d like to be our special guest, send an email to letters@fatgirlsguidetoliving.com and tell us a little about you, your work or other relevant experience, and a brief summary of your idea for a guest column. If it looks like a good fit, we’ll send you a brief style guide and a list of available dates for your guest column.

Guest bloggers receive a 2-3 line bio in each of their posts, and a link to their web site and email address (optional).

Interested? We’d love to hear from you.