The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

kiss by chatblanc1

You know you’ve watched her.

She’s the girl at a party with a gravitational pull that effortlessly draws men into her orbit. Or the stranger on the train whose laughter fills the car two stops after she boards, delighting the random passenger sharing her seat. Maybe she’s even a friend of yours — a fellow fat girl, perhaps — and you’ve long envied her ability to meet people and generate positive interest in such a breezy, natural way.

As you watch her, the questions pop into your head, unbidden: “Just what is it about her that draws men/women/anyone with a pulse so immediately? What’s her trick?” And possibly, painfully: “No one seems to care that she’s overweight — so why is it so hard for me?”

The fact is there are two kinds of women in this world: The natural-born flirts and those of us who wish we knew their secret. Or perhaps there’s a third kind: Women who have learned to approach flirtation as a craft that may be studied and practiced, a means to expanding our social circles, a boost for our self esteem, a fun way to pass the time — or all of the above.

Flirting prep: It’s about much more than our weight

If you were expecting a separate flirting playbook for the plus-size woman, forget about it. Although some men may be more drawn to our rockin’ curves, there’s no “How to Flirt if You’re Overweight” manual. That being said, we big girls sometimes need to get out of our own way when it comes to meeting and chatting up new people.

“Flirting is an attitude — I think that’s number one,” says Fran Greene, former Director of Flirting at Match.com and author of the recently released book The Flirting Bible: Your Ultimate Photo Guide to Reading Body Language, Getting Noticed, and Meeting More People Than You Ever Thought Possible. Rather than any one specific action or technique, Greene explains, successful flirting at any size comes from being self-confident, positive and enthusiastic.

“Flirting crosses all genders, weights and sexualities,” Greene says. “It’s about your confidence and your attitude, about the way you present yourself and make the most about what you have. It’s not about being a ’10,’ but about having this air about you — a combo of chutzpah and charisma.”

“But wait!” I can almost hear some of our readers saying. “If I went through every day feeling self-confident, positive and full of chutzpah, would I require sage, thought-provoking FGG columns such as this one?” A fair point, dear readers. When I broach the issue with Greene, she suggests positive self-talk and the support of friends as tools to help get us over the confidence hump. Despite her credentials (licensed clinical social worker by training; dating and relationships counselor by practice), Greene can’t bestow the Presto Change-o Magic Bullet of Confidence, any more than I can — it just takes work and practice.

Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder/CEO of eFlirt Expert, agrees that confidence is crucial. “If you’re feeling self-conscious, choose one thing that’s awesome about you and focus on that,” she suggests. “If your mindset is on the positive, great things will come!”

Davis’s advice not only sounds like a page straight from our recent Guide to Being Irresistible — Even to Yourself, but it makes good sense, too. If the essence of flirtation is about making fun, lighthearted connections with another person so that they want to learn more about you, it helps to buy into the package you’re selling. Some of us are born with that innate feeling of fearlessness, while others just have to keep working at it. Sitting in a corner listening to an inner soundtrack that’s stuck on “I suck and have nothing clever to say” won’t encourage anyone to chat you up. Change the track, already, and fake it ’til you make it.

Great first impressions require preparation at any size

Once you’re feeling irresistible (or are headed in the right direction), the next step is ensuring your first impression backs that up. Basic attention to your appearance goes a long way toward making you appear approachable and helping maintain your own confidence levels, so don’t underestimate how far a flattering hairstyle, manicured nails, standing up straight or wearing clothes that are flattering, age- and situation-appropriate will take you.

Although our self-sabotaging voice of doubt sometimes makes us feel invisible because of our weight, Greene points out that we sometimes make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If you’re dressed sloppily, like you don’t care,” she says, “is someone not interested because you’re overweight or because you don’t care about what you’re wearing?”

If you don’t know where to begin, she suggests getting advice from a close and/or male friend or taking someone shopping with you. “A lot of time we don’t see ourselves as other people see us. Take some pictures — what you see in photos is often different from what you see in the mirror,” which can help you appreciate yourself in a way that’s hard to do in the face of three-way mirrors and fluorescent lighting.

Set the stage for flirting success

Greene is adamant about the next rule: A good flirt never leaves home without a ‘prop.’ “For someone who struggles with weight or self confidence, props are natural conversation starters,” she explains. While the idea of luring someone into a dialogue based on a material object may seem like a bit of a cheat, Greene points out that girls who choose their props wisely (i.e. something that reflects their interests, passions or hobbies) will find their personalities shining through and potentially have more substantive conversations.

So what makes a good prop? Anything that gets you noticed, says Greene: unusual jewelry, a piece of clothing that references a passion or hobby, a book or newspaper, your dog, your kids, a tote bag, your dog and kids inside the tote bag . . . you get the idea.

Flirting is really about connecting

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by thinking of flirting as a daunting or elusive skill — it’s really just a simple series of events that make and maintain connections. To begin engaging someone, you’ll need to establish meaningful eye contact. Greene recommends holding the glance slightly longer than feels necessary (about 2-4 seconds) but not long enough to become a stare. And no, throwing in a wink does not make you cheesy or cliché.

“You have to start a conversation to make it happen, not wait for someone to come to you. The best opening line is very simple — just say ‘hello.’” Talk about your surroundings, give a compliment or state an opinion. The bottom line, Greene says, is to ” just get your mouth moving.”

A smile is also key here — as necessary to flirting as air is to breathing, according to Greene — because it makes you much more approachable. You don’t need to go through the day with a creepy, Cheshire Cat grin plastered on your face, but most people avoid engaging in witty banter with a person who looks like her dog just died. Successful flirts come across as playful and lighthearted, and they display a bit of vulnerability.

“Show that you’re real and human,” Greene emphasizes. You can even poke fun at yourself, so long as you follow Toni’s advice from a recent post and joke about your actions, not your essence. That’s just what one of Greene’s clients did after living out the nightmare scenario of accidentally tucking toilet paper into the back of her dress and being laughed at. Rather than skulk and hide, the woman walked up to the guy whose pointing had made her aware of the faux pas and said, “‘I want to thank you so much for saving me from embarrassment. My name is _____.”

Everyone loves a compliment

Something to remember about flirting: It’s not just about you. “The goal is to make someone else feel good, not just talk about yourself,” Greene says. To that extent, one of her tried-and-true suggestions for launching a flirtation is to give someone a compliment. Obviously, for best results you’ll want to keep your compliments honest and sincere. But Greene also suggests varying things a bit beyond commenting on someone’s shirt or eye color.

If you’re wearing something new or you always get compliments on your smile, having a stranger comment on these things will feel good but might not be as memorable as a compliment that comes out of left field. According to Greene, commenting on someone’s pleasant speaking voice, the patience they show with their kids, or even the way they organize their supermarket cart can not only be an ice-breaker but something that sets you apart.

Sound crazy? Think back to the compliments you’ve received recently, or over your lifetime. Which ones stand out in your mind? For me, the things people compliment are pretty reliable (my writing, for example). I love these compliments; I cherish them, and they warm me each time I hear them. But twenty years later, I still remember the name of the boy who told me in ninth grade that my nose was cute — and that it happened at the bowling alley. Things that are genuine but unexpected stay with us for a reason.

Take flirtation beyond “hello”

Once you’ve established a connection, keep the exchange going by practicing active listening. Lean slightly toward the person speaking, or touch him lightly on the arm. If you’ve never tried the simple touch on the arm, you may be amazed by how well this works.

Greene also suggests changing your behavior from the role of “guest” (someone who waits for others to take the lead) to the role of “host” (one who gets noticed by making things just a bit easier for others). This shift is important because it pries you out of being passive and waiting for something to happen.

How does this work in a real-world scenario? Offer a vacant seat at your table to the person scanning the crowded coffee shop for an open table. (The flip side of this might be to make eye contact and ask a passing customer if he’ll bring you cream and sugar so you don’t have to leave your laptop sitting unattended.) At a party or social function, offer to bring back food or a drink if you’re headed to the bar. Remember: Flirting is far less complicated if you break it down into a series of actions that foster connection.

Re-purposing a rejection

No matter how positive your attitude or how skilled your approach, there are bound to be encounters that don’t go as you’d hoped. If someone isn’t interested or doesn’t respond to a flirtation in kind, it can feel very personal — like a judgment or a confirmation of your deepest fears. In these moments, it’s critical not to let one person’s disinterest rule you.

“It’s so easy to go to the worst possible place,” Greene says, “telling yourself ‘If I were only 50 pounds lighter, if I had the perfect weight or body, he’d probably like me.’ We make it about us, but we don’t take into account the other person’s issues. We never know the real reason.”

While there will always be scenarios that are less than perfect, Greene says the key is to mentally re-frame a rejection by seeing it as an opportunity. Mentally and symbolically (read: not out loud), “Tell that person ‘thank you — you’ve done me a really big favor by being honest and not causing me to waste time I could be spending on more positive experiences.’ And then let it go.” Not every two people are destined (or suited) to be together.

Davis of eFlirt Expert agrees. “Online and offline, there is dating ‘riff-raff’ — the guys who will focus on the negative and possibly try to rile you up,” she says. “Ignore the nay-sayers to keep your sanity. If you had a negative experience, he wasn’t right for you anyway.”

Plus-size flirting online

Speaking of who you might find online . . . More people are meeting via personals and other online groups, forums and social media networks these days than ever before, so improving your virtual communication chops is never a bad idea.

“Catch his attention by finding him,” recommends Davis. “Search for your perfect match and write him an awesome e-mail. Play up your strengths — for example, if you’re witty, make sure your headline is snappy.”

When writing your own online profile, steer clear of tired and vague phrases such as “I love to laugh and have fun.” Instead, use the space to make your unique combination of quirks and passions come to life: “I rely on my daily Jon Stewart fix only slightly less than my morning latte or weekly Drag Queen Bingo nights with friends.” “Letting your personality shine through . . . . will get you the best kind of attention,” Davis emphasizes.

Online or off, flirting takes practice and finding an approach and a voice that feels natural to you. For me, the challenge is all about timing; in a situation where I’m comfortable and conversation is established, it’s tempting to over-flirt. Perhaps one day I’ll muster the same type of chutzpah with strangers. In the meantime, I’ll be the freckled chick devouring historical fiction on the El, wondering if today’s the day a fellow Tudor England nerd comments on my prop — er, read.

Tell us, readers: How do you break the ice? What’s your favorite flirting anecdote — or what fears are still holding you back?

Try something that looks fun but makes you nervous. We dare you.
(image by Lori Greig)

This summer, I tried something that terrified me. And I loved it.

Something about surrendering my body to a dark, narrow tube, hurtling downward through twists and turns, only to be unceremoniously ejected and swiftly deposited into the chilly water below freaked me out. Go figure. “I’ll stick to the slower slide, thankyouverymuch,” became my mantra. But my desire for comfort made me uncomfortable; what was I modeling to my kids about trying new things, what would the 18-year-old me have done, and was I missing out on something I’d probably find thrilling? Knowing my battle with desire vs. hesitancy, my husband kept nudging me to try it, then the kids joined in (“If I can do it, you can, Mom!”). I climbed the two flights of stairs to the platform, waved to my family far below, then took a deep breath and pushed off into the darkness.

Was it scary? Yep. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I spent the rest of the afternoon hurrying up the stairs to hit that slide again and again. Nobody pointed and laughed at the big mama behaving like a kid; if anything, I think my joy was infectious. Maybe some other women watching were inspired. Or maybe nobody cared at all and my worries over what others might think were unfounded. (Nobody even noticed me surreptitiously correcting my massive, post-splashdown water wedgie.)

The comfort zone for us bigger girls (remaining indoors with the AC blasting, telling ourselves we can’t do certain activities or wear certain things) can start out as a sacred space where firm boundaries are drawn. But as that zone expands, it can also become an overstuffed cushion ready to absorb our every excuse, the well-worn collection of stories we tell ourselves, like “fat girls can’t ride a horse,” stories that hold us back from really living our lives to the fullest. Think back to the last time you successfully pushed beyond your comfort zone (tango lessons? speed dating? aqua aerobics?) and came out the other side perfectly okay. Sure, there may have been missteps or embarrassing moments, but you lived to tell the tale, right? This guide to summer fun offers suggestions for getting out and trying something new, and we encourage you to come back and tell us how your new experiences went – stumbles, triumphs, wedgies, and all.

Hiking–which is essentially walking in a more rugged, natural setting–is a great activity because it can be as easy or as challenging as you decide to make it and it’s a great beginner’s adventure. Our two-part guide to hot weather hiking (Part 1 here and Part 2 here), plus our guide to hiking in challenging conditions like sand dunes or muddy areas are great starting points. I know heat and humidity, combined with the need to expose more skin, can feel like insurmountable hurdles here. Look for plus-sized workout wear, carry plenty of water, expect to sweat (it’s okay; really!) and start small at first if you’re nervous–many city parks offer plenty of green space for beginners to test their trail legs, and plenty of park and recreation districts offer guided hikes geared toward beginners.

Speaking of city parks, I’ve been taking advantage of our sizable park to ride my bike either early in the morning or after dinner, when the sunlight isn’t as unforgiving (either way, I still wear sweatproof sunscreen). Our guide to cycling, mad love for cruiser bikes and tips on finding plus-size padded bike shorts are helpful starting points if you’ve been itching to travel on two wheels but not sure where to start. If you’re worried about deflating the tires on your bike, we’ve tackled this issue, too (you won’t).

If getting on the water is on your life list, our guides to kayaking, canoeing and surfing should prove tempting. Or maybe taking a cruise is more your speed; you can be as chill and comfortable as you wish, or you can embark on new adventures on board (rock climbing walls, dance lessons) or off (rainforest zipline tours, island exploration). Of course, if you’ve read the FGG About page, you know my suggestion will be to opt for at least one adventure. Perhaps being in the water is your goal but you’ve been avoiding swimsuit shopping; you’ll want to consult our guide to figure-flattering swimwear and best places to find a plus-sized sarong to wrap around your suit, and we recently helped a reader with some ideas on attending a poolside bachelorette party in Vegas (we also have some insights into the daunting prospect of socializing in swimwear).

I know we cover a lot of active ground here at FGG, but I also understand that rest and relaxation are an integral part of enjoying the summer season. I suggest striking a balance between stepping outside of your usual routine and rewarding yourself for doing so. Perhaps a girlfriend getaway is in order (you are TOO worth it!), or it’s time to finally find a hammock that feels comfy and supportive while you swing lazily reading some great fiction featuring plus-sized protagonists. Just remember: too much comfort can be as detrimental to mind, body, and spirit as too much stress. Use the rest of these summer days to push yourself a little bit and try something you think would be fun.

We’ve packed a ton of summer fun into this guide, but we’re always eager to hear your suggestions for guides to activities you’ve been longing to try but aren’t sure where to begin – share your “life list” ideas in comments.

The mission: To blend in here (image by YoTut)

One of the best parts of receiving FGG reader mail is that it gives us a glimpse into how diverse your lives and interests are. In recent weeks, we’ve fielded questions on everything from cycling to sundresses to tennis clothes. And this week it’s all about Vegas, baby!

I have a bachelorette party coming up for my good friend, and it is going to be at Wet Republic at MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I have nothing but thinner friends who can walk around in bikinis and heels . . . . I’m a size 16 and I can’t seem to find a suit and a cover-up that makes me feel sexy like my friends look in their bikinis. Any tips on where to shop? I want to look stylish and be comfortable in a [swim]suit in a public place like that.

Before launching into shopping suggestions, let’s take a moment to acknowledge your decision to attend the bachelorette party with your friends, despite the concerns you’re having. Publicly wearing a swimsuit as an overweight woman can be enough of a mental challenge even before factoring in the club vibe of Wet Republic. Your decision not to let your weight dictate whether you attend, but rather to seek a way to rock your own killer curves at the celebration is what FGG is all about. Good for you, girl!

Sexy full-figured swimwear

Now the fun part: shopping! If you haven’t already read through our recent Guide to Figure-Flattering Swimwear, it’s a great place to begin getting ideas for fun, trendy swimwear in plus sizes (including some sexy swim dress looks). We also recently answered another reader’s question about plus-size sarongs.

Both posts offer a mixed bag of finds, both practical and sexy. With your specific goal of blending into bikini-land in mind, what about a one-shoulder design from Monif C.? The single-shoulder look is hot this season, and the suit still provides plenty of coverage, as well as the option to show more or less leg, depending on your mood. (For more secure bust support, you can add the optional second shoulder strap.)

For a bikini-like feel with more stomach coverage, check out the plus-size offerings from Bikini Sunshine. Their two-piece suits are ordered as separates, so you can mix and match for the best size combination of top (cup sizes A/B through DDD) and bottom (sizes up to 18). We were drawn to both the black matte and purple babydoll tankini styles, in particular.

FGG editorial also admits to an ongoing love affair with the suits from Pinup Girl Clothing. Several of their styles come in plus sizes (up to size 20) and they’re bold, colorful and sexy in ways that celebrate the curves not all bikini bods can boast. Frankly, should you opt for the new vintage-inspired sheath suit (in red, black or gold), it wouldn’t shock us if your bikini-clad friends envied you.

Choosing a stylish cover-up to match

The cover-up you reach for will likely depend on the cut of your suit, but there’s just enough flounce and movement in this bandeau, waterfall-style design (sizes 1X-3X, Always For Me) to help you feel sexy without being over-exposed. If that’s not your style, the same site offers plenty of other options, including flirty skirts with tummy control (1X-3X) to babydoll dresses in multiple colors (2X-3X). Or, you could go for sexy and simple by pairing a georgette sarong (1X-2X, Swimsuits Just For Us) with the Rio De Janeiro Twist Bandeau suit from Always For Me. Available in four colors and sizes ranging from 16W-26W, this gorgeous, curve-hugging suit is just begging for a trip to Vegas.

Whatever look you choose, be sure to read Peony’s thoughts on swimsuit socializing before hitting the pool, and remember that confidence is the sexiest accessory of all. Have fun and keep us posted!

Ladies: What fat-girl phobias have you conquered so far this summer? Tell us about the activity or social gathering you braved — or suggest another great pool-party fashion for this reader.

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

Swap Wheaton’s book (sorry, Wil) for one of these fat-friendly titles (image by Mingo.nl)

Some girls over-pack clothes or make-up when they travel. One of my best friends insists on lugging along what we’ve dubbed a “shoe-case” because it’s dedicated only to footwear. Me? I over-pack . . . well, everything, but especially books. In preparation for the upcoming Fourth of July weekend, a four-day getaway with friends to Door County, WI, I’ve already chucked three books into the “take along” pile, while knowing better than to think I’ll have that kind of time. And yet, summer wouldn’t be summer for me without beach reads. As Toni touched on in her recent ode to lazy summer days, for many of us, few things are more intoxicating than a relaxing day at the pool or beach, splashing in the waves (or getting splashed by our kids), with ample time to devour a page-turner.

In honor of those lazy days and the upcoming holiday weekend, FGG has compiled a few ideas for books that feature plus-size protagonists — but they come with a disclaimer: Obviously, taste in books is incredibly individual, so we don’t expect each of these titles to have the same appeal to every reader. Further, it’s a tricky thing writing for a blog that doesn’t wholly identify itself in either the “fat acceptance” or “weight loss” genre, but rather seeks to strike a realistic and empowering tone for overweight women in general; that tightrope walk becomes more pronounced when attempting to recommend literature featuring plus-sized characters, because the genre is so controversial. There are as many “fat girl” and weight-loss memoirs out there as there are poorly drawn, self-hating or insultingly unrealistic primary or tertiary characters in fiction (Jemima J, I’m looking at you). For that reason, we’ve tried to list books whose overweight female protagonists are strong, unashamed and multifaceted, or whose struggles with their weight issues are presented in an honest and real way, without being condescending or insinuating that only through weight loss can one find love and meaning.

In short: Your mileage may vary, but we hope there may be something for everyone. So grab a beach blanket and enjoy!

If you’re in the mood to laugh

Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office (Jen Lancaster, 2006)

What to Expect: Unabashedly self-centered (hence the title), the plus-sized Lancaster draws from her riches-to-rags unemployment experiences in the post-9/11 economy to deliver gut-busting humor and a trademark snarky wit. This is the first of Lancaster’s best-selling memoirs, so if you dig her style, you’ve got all summer to gobble up her other four titles: Bright Lights, Big Ass; Such a Pretty Fat; Pretty In Plaid; and the recently released My Fair Lazy.

Good fit for your beach bag? Readers either can’t get enough of Lancaster’s humor, or seem to find her observations unrelatable and mean-spirited. Which category you belong to depends heavily on your feelings toward curse words and everyone’s-a-target humor.

Frangipani: A Novel (Célestine Vaite, 2006)

What to expect: The first in Vaite’s trilogy of novels following the relationships and antics of “professional house cleaner” Materena Mahi and her family, this novel is as chock-full of strong, diverse female characters as it is whimsy. The story centers on the relationship between plus-size Materena and her daughter, which allows Vaite to get maximum play from the Tahitian myths and superstitions that govern Materena.

Good fit for your beach bag? This lighthearted, quick read should appeal to readers seeking a different take on the age-old struggles between mothers and daughters. Plus, the gorgeous Tahitian setting is beach-worthy, for sure.

Good In Bed (Jennifer Weiner, 2002)

What to expect: Twenty-eight-year-old Cannie Shapiro faces what many of us would deem our worst nightmare: her ex-boyfriend has written an article about their sex life, titled “Loving a Larger Woman,” which appears in a Cosmo-esque national mag. Hilarity, tears and tequila shots ensue, as Cannie sets off on an ill-advised journey to lose weight and win back her jackal of an ex — before realizing she deserves better.

Good fit for your beach bag? There’s a reason this is a go-to novel for both plus-size chick lit and those looking for something a little more substantial: It’s a really enjoyable read that features a protagonist you can cheer for. Sure, there are plot points requiring a suspension of disbelief, but Weiner’s smart, sassy writing gives Cannie a believable, identifiable voice, and we appreciate the willingness to stray beyond “weight loss = happiness” as a takeaway.

If you’re in the mood for love

Love at Large (Anthology, 2005)

What to expect: Six separate stories of plus-size women finding love with men who think they’re scrumptious. Want more? None of these protagonists are clinging vines just pining for a man; they’re independent, strong and sexy — all of which their suitors find irresistibly appealing. Yes, literary world, men can and do love larger women!

Good fit for your beach bag? Fun, fluffy and perfectly portioned for reading between catnaps. In short, a perfect beach read. One of the stories is even set near Lake Michigan, which made this girl proud.

Suddenly You (Lisa Kleypas, 2001)

What to expect: A lush, historical bodice-ripper with a plus-size female lead? Believe it. The action (so to speak) begins as 30-year-old Amanda opens her door to the male prostitute she’s hired to take her virginity — only to discover later that she’s judged his identity too hastily. What follows is a romantic cat-and-mouse game between free-spirited writer Amanda and her visitor (and new publisher), Jack, as well as a celebration of the allure of curvaceous beauty.

Good fit for your beach bag? If you’re a fan either of historical or romantic fiction, this is a no-brainer, but even skeptics may be drawn in by the impressively developed characters and witty dialogue. (And did we mention the sex?)

If you’re in the mood to reflect… or even cry

The Little Giant of Aberdeen County (Tiffany Baker, 2010)

What to expect: The story of 400-pound “giant,” Truly Plaice, orphaned as a young girl and having grown up surrounded by loss, drama and societal cruelty. Parts of the story may prove painful for readers who have experienced sadness at the hands of bullies and insensitive acquaintances, but fans of the book rave about Truly’s honest, compelling narration and her ability overcome her life’s circumstances and find meaning and escape.

Good fit for your beach bag? Part horror story and part fairy tale, this book seems to best suit the reader who seeks gloriously descriptive prose and page-turning twists — without expecting ponies and rainbows to be waiting on the other side.

The Wife’s Tale (Lori Lansens, 2010)

What to expect: The journey of an overweight (302 pounds) woman whose husband leaves on the eve of their 25th wedding anniversary. Realizing that she’s as imprisoned by fear as she is by food, Mary Gooch ventures from her Canadian hometown for the first time, finding her way to the new sights and characters of California as she seeks to find her husband, and herself.

Good fit for your beach bag? Some will find Mary’s cold-turkey “I’m not hungry anymore” weight loss off-putting, while others might wish for more of an ending, but introverted readers who seek to identify with a narrator may be drawn to Mary’s struggle and the intricate details of her life as an overweight woman.

If you’re in the mood to sleuth

If mystery’s your thing, it seems your full-figured female protagonist cup runneth over — what is it about fat girls that makes us scream “I’m the next literary answer to Angela Lansbury!”? For reasons we can’t identify, several series out there feature larger (or “average-size”) female characters; we’ve suggested a couple here that tend to get good reviews.

Too Big to Miss (Sue Ann Jaffarian, 2006)

What to expect: Don’t let the title or the ample-sized silhouette drawn on the cover art fool you: This isn’t a fat-hating book. Fortysomething paralegal Odelia Grey stands 5’1 and weighs 230 pounds, and although she’s not immune to the trials of life as an overweight woman, she doesn’t let them keep her down. Smart, talented and believable, Odelia kicks off her career as amateur sleuth here (five other titles follow), as she investigates the apparent suicide of her friend Sophie, a fat-girls’ rights advocate.

Good fit for your beach bag? While they’re split on some of the book’s humor (Odelia’s self-deprecating comments could be seen as undermining the size-positive message of her very existence as a heroine), critics and readers all seem to agree that Odelia’s a gem and Jaffarian’s plots are well-constructed.

Earthly Delights: A Corinna Chapman Mystery (Kerry Greenwood, 2008)

What to expect: Corinna Chapman used to be an accountant, but now she runs a bakery and is about to become a part-time sleuth. Confused? Don’t be. All you need to know is Corinna is “ample bodied” and fabulous. Set in Melbourne, Australia, this inaugural Chapman mystery follows Corinna as she balances life (and a potential love interest) with chasing the killer of local drug addicts.

Good fit for your beach bag?: Frothy and possibly forgettable, but definitely fun in the process.

Tell us, readers: What books are in your beach bag this season? What are your thoughts on portrayals of overweight women in literature? And what’s your favorite book — of any genre — featuring a larger main character?

Hey, we’ve stuck pretty tightly to our promise to leave weight loss out of FGG content, and focus instead on living a good life right now no matter where you are on the scale (or where you want to be). After all, the blogosphere is stocked full of weight loss-related blogs, men and women struggling to lose it, tame it, make peace with it, or otherwise deal with/manage/handle/understand it in as many different ways as there are bloggers.

But every now and then we come across a site that stands out, that inspires us with its bravery and compelling content, whether we’re on the same road or not. And that’s exactly how we feel about Skinny Emmie — the fantastic blog of a beautiful, intelligent and very genuine woman in Lexington, Kentucky who’s working hard to get in shape (and succeeding) through the healthy, natural process of eating smart and moving her body. Along the way, she shares the incredibly personal road blocks, frustrations, questions, excitement and victories as they come.

One of my favorite parts of Emmie’s site are her videos, which are so raw and personal and exploratory it’s easy to get caught up and keep finding more in the archives to watch. We’ll be going along with Emmie on her wild ride to fitness, and we think many of you will enjoy it too!

Check her out.

Sacrifice for Beauty by JamieBates

Confidence comes from all different sources. Some girls draw strength from a personal mantra, a morning pep talk in the mirror, or a favorite song. Others feel their best when they know they’ve had a great cut and color, or when they’ve slipped on a favorite pair of shoes and a great lipstick color. And some of us find our confidence surging when our curves are shapely and smooth, letting our clothes drape perfectly.

In other words, some of us would like our fat to stay put when we move, so we’re free to focus on other things — like following all the steps in salsa dancing class or debating which World Cup team has the nicest-looking. . . uniforms. For our full-figured readers looking to keep the jiggle in check, this Guide’s for you.

Less body movement underneath your clothes

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the fact is that Spanx offers possibly the largest selection of body-shaping apparel out there. From shorts and panties in styles that cover varying portions of thigh and tummy to full-body slimming suits and a line of powerful compression gear, Spanx does a good job of offering something for almost everyone. And while nothing can sugarcoat the fact that Spanx = shapewear, plain and simple, there are things to love about them: The fat-girl-friendly sizing extends to 3X (equivalent of 26W-28W) on many of its clothing pieces and its hosiery is sized to accommodate heights of 6’0 and weights as high as 325. Plus, we love that locating plus-size products on the site is one-click easy.

Despite Spanx’s saturation in the shapewear marketplace, there are a ton of other options for all-over body compression or targeted support. Girls looking to minimize belly bounce might consider a waist cincher like this Rago Waist Nipper (available at HerRoom.com in sizes up to 8X), or a high-waisted, plus-size panty (available in sizes 1X-3X from SeamlessBody.com). All-over torso control can be found via a full-length bodysuit (you’ll want to shop around for the right fit in the torso, chest and butt) or by layering over a shaping camisole or tank.

If you’re a DD-cup or under, consider giving the Unbelievabra a whirl — and then report back immediately! Users (and Oprah) have raved about the all-over smoothing effect of this one-piece, band-less bra/shaping garment. The only downsides seem to be the unorthodox sizing procedure (though the site includes helpful videos), and the fact that larger girls in our readership might fall outside the size ranges offered.

Slimmer silhouettes in “problem” areas

While there are seemingly endless shapewear options for the belly, butt, hips and thighs, it’s a little trickier to find solutions that give a firmer appearance to upper arms or a smoother look to the sides and back. Because “back fat” and side rolls are often pinched and emphasized by regular bras, some women may feel more sleek in a bra that covers more of these areas, even if they aren’t into full-torso shapewear. Several lines now offer “smoothing” bras that claim to eliminate visible bra lines while smoothing back fat: Slimpressions’ Comfy Bralette comes in sizes up to 4X, the Lycra®-enhanced Back Smoothing Bra (of Lane Bryant’s Cacique collection) is available in sizes 36C-46DDD, and Woman Within offers a Comfort Choice® model that comes in a whopping size range of 36B-54G.

When it comes to arm jiggle, the options are usually embrace it (let your bat wings fly), hide it (under baggy sleeves or by avoiding sleeveless tops even in the hottest weather), or work like mad to tone it. Personally, I bought into the shame of waggly upper arms for many years — something I’m sure my mother’s well-intentioned “let’s cover those up” admonitions only reinforced. At some point, it clicked with me that sleeves can be cumbersome and too hot in the dead of a muggy Chicago summer, and that I was tired of confining my shopping choices even further than by size; waggly, oddly creased or not, my arms were going to see the light of day (and night)!

My route isn’t for everyone. I know plenty of girls who don’t feel comfortable even with many short-sleeved shirts because of where the sleeves hits their arms. If you’re not down with the “eh, whatever” approach and are looking for ways to tighten the appearance of those upper arms, try wearing a sleeve that extends well past the areas where you feel the least confidence — and see what you think about a tighter sleeve than you might ordinarily choose, and in a material a little thicker (i.e. nothing floaty or wispy). Before you panic, remember: a little tighter, not circulation threatening. You may be surprised to see the thicker material and closer fit working together to reign in errant ripples or jiggling. If you want more arm control and are willing to dress to accommodate, shapewear for arms (said to “reduce arm circumference by 1″-3″) does exist, in both short- and long-sleeve formats.

Physical activity: shake it without shaking everything

Whether you’re working it on the dance floor or breaking a sweat on the gym’s elliptical machine, the first rule of “less jiggle” when you’re on the move is a good sports bra. Our fitness experts and readers have all raved about the support and comfort provided by Enell bras, but readers have also championed the bounce prevention provided by the Maia bra from Moving Comfort and The Last Resort Bra from Title Nine. Glamorise® also offers a wireless, moisture-wicking sports bra that is designed to eliminate strap bounce and ride-up in back.

For the bottom half of your workout gear, consider skipping the loose-fitting shorts/capris and instead choosing more form-fitting bottoms like plus-size bike shorts. They help reduce the jiggle factor as you move, and you can always layer them under your favorite sweats (or buy pre-layered garments) if the idea of spandex makes you twitchy.

Finally, for a night out, and possibly some dancing, why not add some “WOW!” to your look while also keeping your midriff area from shaking every time you do? A dramatic, high-voltage corset (with either steel boning or plastic) will not only play to your sexy strengths from beneath an over-shirt or on its own, it will also help create a more defined waist and ensure that your midsection stays put while you move. For more examples of fun, sexy corsets, check out our recent Fat Girl’s Guide to Lingerie.

As with any apparel you purchase, be sure to check sizing carefully, as it almost always varies by retailer. And don’t hesitate to mix and match  different shapewear options until you find the combination of freedom and form that works for you. Because whether you choose to rein in the flesh or let it move au natural, the most important thing to remember about your skin is that you need to feel comfortable in it.

Have any feedback on these suggestions or other tips we couldn’t squeeze in here? Or experiences with shaping techniques you’d like to share? We’re all ears for your thoughts and theories on body jiggle — to tame or not to tame.

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