The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Lessons learned: You don’t need to cook with edible flowers to call yourself a foodie

Fact: To be a fat girl of any shape or size, for any portion of your life, is to have some kind of a love/hate relationship with food. Sometimes the conflict is as benign as a lighthearted “Why can’t french fries have the same nutritional value as spinach?” For many of us, the relationship with food (food as friend, food as love, food as boredom deterrent, food as source of guilt, etc.) is a complicated one that we’re still seeking to unravel or make peace with. And yet. . . food is an undeniable, often enjoyable, part of our lives. We deserve the chance to embrace cooking, or fine dining, or trying new foods if that’s our passion.

Fueled by this idea, as well my own recent stint playing foodie-for-a-day (truly a marvel when you understand I don’t like foods that touch), I wanted to explore the concept of fat girl as foodie. With the shame that overweight women sometimes feel about food — or a habit of eating repetitive meals, or eating in secret — can the two coexist? Since I’m the farthest thing from an expert on the matter, I enlisted help from a source who knows her foodstuffs and the kind of tips our FGG readers want to hear — our very own Foodie Friday blogger, Michelle Laffler! Michelle patiently addressed each of my neophyte questions, and the result is a must-read for any plus-sized girl who wants to relish her meals without guilt.

What does it mean to be a “foodie”?

Might as well start with the basics, right? I don’t know about you, but when I hear the term “foodie,” it calls to mind meals/foods/ingredients that are non-mainstream, indulgent, rich, expensive, exotic, complicated, or difficult to prepare/use. It also makes me assume a self-proclaimed foodie will judge me for occasionally loving the Olive Garden. So how about it, Michelle? Where am I right, where am I wrong, and what am I missing?

ML: I don’t see the term “foodie” as being nearly so limited. Sure, there are people in the world who believe that unless you’re cooking with exotic, high-priced ingredients and preparing them in unconventional ways you’re not truly a “foodie,” but I beg to differ. I think if you take joy in food — whether by preparing it, eating it, or both — you’re at least a little bit of a foodie.  And don’t worry — most of us aren’t judging you… we’re wondering if we can grab a seat at your table! (P.S. We all have our food-related vices. You may remember that I wrote recently about my love for boneless wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, which are culinary brilliance to me but maybe not so much to someone else.)

Dealing with the stigma of overweight women and food

For some of us, the idea of openly embracing our desire to create, learn about and love food is deeply terrifying. As an example of how we sometimes internalize the stigma — and how painful and challenging the subject of food can be — one friend shared with me that she feels like “fat girls shouldn’t talk about food — because we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves in that way. We shouldn’t love food because that’s how we got fat.”

So I asked Michelle, an overweight woman who’s blogged about food for over two years, whether she’s ever felt judged because of her weight. Did she feel the urge to “apologize” for her love of food, and how has she dealt with that, both in her own mind and through actions and attitude?

ML: I think I’m more prone to judge myself and worry what other people are thinking than to actually be judged. Coming to terms with that nagging little voice in our heads is often a big step for curvy girls, and no doubt many of us have wondered what the people around the table were thinking as we ordered that piece of chocolate cake for dessert. I’d be lying if I said I never gave it a second thought, even after many years of self-discovery and lots of work toward self-acceptance.

However, I also know that I love a great salad just as much as I love a good slice of pie and that food, just like so many other things in life, is about balance and moderation, not denial. Sure, the voice is still there at times, but when I look around the table at my dear friends or family, I realize they love me just the way I am and there’s no need whatsoever for me to feel bad or apologize for a little bit of indulgence. If it happens that I feel like I’ve overdone it at some point during the day, I find that just a little bit of moderate or brisk activity (even if it’s just cleaning the house at warp speed while dancing to 80′s rock) goes a long way toward putting those feelings out of my head.

Can I be health-conscious AND be a foodie?

What are some good tips for for girls who want to be more adventurous food-wise, but also seek a balanced, healthy lifestyle? In discussing this Guide, another friend said, “I’d assume that weight loss and foodism are mutually exclusive.” Is she wrong? Can we have both if we want them?

ML: Can we have it all? You bet! Like I said, balance and moderation is what makes it all work. There are so many great-tasting, fun foods to be experienced and there’s absolutely no reason anyone should deprive themselves of that adventure. If closing your eyes and just pointing at something on the menu makes you too nervous or you’re not sure whether you’ll like something, seek out the advice of a friend with similar food tastes or from the wait staff at your favorite restaurant. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t feel as though you have to go all out, either (I’ve been working on my taste for sushi for about five years now, but I started out with a California Roll – which isn’t really acknowledged as “sushi” by sushi snobs). And if you choose to order something on the more indulgent side of things, don’t think you have sabotage your waistline and eat it all in the same sitting. Split that chicken cordon bleu with a friend or take half home with you.

What are some good resources for a foodie newbie?

We’ve already established that I’m culinarily challenged. (And now we’ve established that I just made up the word “culinarily.”) Despite my ability to get sucked into food-related reality programming like “Chopped” or “Ace of Cakes” (and let’s not even discuss how happy a “Food Network Challenge” marathon makes me), I never find myself drawn to the kind of programs that would provide entry-level, real-world skills. (That would make too much sense, right?) In that spirit, I asked Michelle for some of her go-to resources — blogs, books, television shows, magazines, people — for solid, accessible culinary advice and trends for beginners.

ML: Here’s my confession: I’m a Food Network junkie. There are so many styles and skill levels represented among the Food Network chefs that there’s almost always something inspiring to be found there (I have personal soft spots for Rachael Ray and Paula Deen). The Food Network website includes difficulty levels and user reviews — both of which I find really valuable — and the Food Network Magazine brings that same great mix to print.

A few of my favorite food blogs from my overflowing blog reader are A Southern Grace (amazing recipes with fun, honest commentary), 101 Cookbooks (you’ve never seen natural, healthy food look so good), The Perfect Pantry (I’ve built a lot of knowledge about the items in my pantry thanks to Lydia), and Smitten Kitchen (danger: do not read while hungry!).

I’m a picky eater, but I want to learn about food

For some of us, trying new things doesn’t come easy. I was nearly laughed off Facebook recently when I shared that I’d be writing a restaurant review (“Do they serve peanut butter sandwiches and plain pasta?”), but the experience helped me realize that I enjoy more foods than I’m usually willing to try. So, on behalf of the non-adventurous eaters — and the currently hopeless cooks — among us, I asked Michelle for a few ideas about taking baby steps to broaden our horizons and skills.

ML: If you’re feeling skeptical about stretching your food boundaries, baby steps really can be huge. I think whether you’re cooking or you’re eating, if you choose a food or technique that has a similar element or ingredient to something you’re already familiar with it’s easier to make that leap of faith and begin gaining some foodie confidence.

When it’s time to get into the kitchen, seek out recipes from trusted friends or family or on websites that feature user reviews so that you can see what other people are saying about the recipe and the techniques, etc. Read the recipe all the way through (twice) before you even enter the kitchen. Measure out and stage your ingredients ahead of time if you’re not adept at doing all of that while also reading the next step in the cookbook and stirring something on the stove. Most importantly, though, go easy on yourself. Don’t feel as though you’re obligated to love (or to be good at) everything. Find your strengths and develop them into one or two “signature” dishes. . . once you’re confident about those, you’ll be much more inclined to keep pushing your food boundaries!

Stocking your kitchen: the basics

If you’re looking to build your confidence in the kitchen, check out Michelle’s list of five kitchen basics (tools or ingredients) she can’t live without:

Three food basics:

1. good chicken stock — Can be used to make a gravy, give extra flavor to veggies, and to make lower-cal but still wonderfully tasty mashed potatoes.
2. unsalted butter — I much prefer baking with butter to baking with margarine.
3. boneless-skinless chicken breasts — I keep about 6-10 pounds of diced, cooked chicken breast pieces which have been portioned out into four ounce servings in the freezer – perfect for grabbing for weekday lunches or for putting into pastas, salads, or stir-fry dishes after a quick trip through the microwave.

Two kitchen tool staples:

1. a good chef’s knife — Food prep is so much easier when you’re working with a decent knife that feels good in your hand. [FGG note: Try Rachael Ray's versatile 6" Santoku knife, which has a good grip and is easy to use even for beginners.]
2. a decent-quality blender — Crushes ice for slushy summer drinks, but also handy for blending soups, pasta sauces, etc.

One final thought from FGG: Whatever your current relationship with food, and whether you’re a kitchen newbie or a plus-sized girl with the most refined palate in town, hold your head high the next time you order a meal or step into a grocery store. One of the most important steps toward leading a full, rich, unapologetic life is to be intentional and fully present in every decision — including what we choose to eat. By giving real thought and consideration to the food we eat (be it healthy or indulgent), we prove that food doesn’t define us or rule us. It’s just one (delicious) part of our daily lives.

Huge, chocolate-covered thanks to Michelle for making this guide possible! For more of Michelle’s foodie wisdom (plus gorgeous photos and a wealth of recipes you can actually complete!), follow her journey at Culinography. And don’t forget to visit FGG each Friday for a brand new recipe from Michelle!

Readers, we’d love to hear your thoughts on curvy girls and food. How have you worked to reconcile food and weight? What challenges or questions do you still have? And what’s YOUR best in-the-kitchen tip you want to shout about from the rooftops (or the blog comments)?

You’re busy. We get that. Catch up here. (Image by thewaltonsare)

Here at FGG, we understand busy lives–nurturing, working, gardening, entertaining, remodeling, traveling, healing, being. We know that everyone’s to-do lists can extend for pages, making us even more grateful for you readers who take the time to visit, read, and comment on this site. True confession time: sometimes, we mark the dozens of posts in our RSS feeds as “read,” despite the brief pain of knowing we’re missing some great stuff from our favorite sites. In that spirit, at the end of each month, we’ll be offering a roundup of what you may have missed or might want to revisit.

Here are some highlights from May:

If it’s late spring where you live, many public swimming pools and water parks opened this past weekend. Our Guide to Figure-flattering Swimwear for plus-size women should prove helpful, along with our Ask FGG entry that tackled sarongs for wider hips – and don’t forget your sweatproof (and waterproof) sunscreen when you hit the pool, girls! If you have a garden party or barbecue to attend, consider bringing these Ricotta & Cream Cheese Stuffed Strawberries – a treat as pretty as it is fresh and tasty. On the more decadent side, these Cupcake Cones make an equally pretty and unique party dessert.

If you’re stressing about attending events where you’re the only big gal there, our thought-provoking Guide to Surviving Social Situations with Skinny Friends might provide a welcome confidence boost. Other feel-fab tips can be found in our Guide to Flattering Hair Cuts for Round Faces and tips on adding sleeves or other cover-ups to sleeveless dresses – or choosing to love your arms just the way they are, per our readers’ suggestions. This month’s Sex and the Single Fat Girl column addressed conflicting feelings that can emerge when stepping out with a date who’s significantly different from you, and It’s A Guy Thing tackled the gulf between media portrayals of women and the reality of today’s plus size population.

To catch up on the rest of FGG during the month of May, check out our archives for more.

Readers, tell us: what was your favorite or most surprising topic from this past month? Coming up: FGG celebrates its first birthday! How do you think we should celebrate?

Instead of chasing trends, find a hairstyle that compliments you

We’ve all had bad hair days, and bad hair cuts – like the time I chopped off my hair while pregnant, immediately transforming me into a human bowling pin. No matter our size, there’s a handful of great and not-so-great looks for us (a poodle perm on my straw-straight hair, for instance?). Even though I’ll never have the Andie MacDowell hair of my dreams, through the years I’ve learned to embrace the hair I was born with, just as I’ve learned to appreciate the body I have now.

But great hair takes more than just accepting your natural hair type. It takes a stylist who understands your hair’s characteristics, and what styles go best with your face shape, body type and even lifestyle (I will only wield a blow dryer if attending a wedding, for instance). In order to find out some of the best hairstyles for round faces, I consulted two style experts for their suggestions.

Basic hair cut tips for full faces

“Don’t wait until you lose weight to find a great hairstyle,” says Carol Tuttle, author of Dressing Your Truth, a book and accompanying website with a singular mission: helping women become their own style experts. In Tuttle’s experience, many overweight women treat their hair as they do their bodies: putting off regular trips to the salon until that magical day when everything in their lives is perfect instead of making themselves look marvelous right now.

“The number one rule to keep in mind is to never have the widest part of your hairstyle fall at the widest point of your face,” says Tracy Olson, a stylist at Studio 10 Salon & Color Spa in Woodstock, Illinois – and the person responsible for my lovely highlights. If you have a square jaw, for example, having hair fall at the jawline will make your head look like a triangle. “Naturally curly hair against broad cheekbones will need some layering at the top or you’ll look like Roseanne Rosannadanna,” says Olson.

Olson’s second tip is more surprising, in that it has nothing to do with face shape or hair texture, but rather your neck length and shape. “If your neck is short, a cut that falls about an inch above the shoulder – allowing space between the hair and the shoulder – will create a flattering lengthening effect,” she says. “Also, a haircut that falls past the shoulders without too much thickness from the chin down can also create a longer neckline.” Olson recommends asking your stylist about good cuts for your face shape, size, and neck length. Check out Visual Makeover for examples of different face shapes and styles that pair well with each.

Two great fat friendly hair cuts

The long bob – “This is the look Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing now,” says Olson. The long bob falls at least two inches below the jawline and a bit shorter in the back and is heavily textured – which adds a bit of layering from the jawline down while still keeping the sleekness of a bob.

The long layered cut – “Layers are key here, because round shapes should never have one length of hair,” says Olson. Layers should start from the chin down, creating a lengthening effect. “This gives a straighter look with some texture without being too bulky.” Olson says loose curls are coming back into style again, and whether you’re doing a perm or have naturally curly hair, it’s important to remove bulk between the chin and neck using a technique called “point cutting” to create a more balanced look.

Hair color tricks that flatter a round face

Highlights are an easy way to add a little shine to your hair, but they can also create a balanced look for fuller faces. If you picture yourself standing in the sun, your hair is lighter on the top more than on the bottom, so highlighting this way creates a more natural look. “If you leave the bottom portion of your hair dark, it looks more streamlined, eliminating width at the bottom,” says Olson, who compares this to wearing darker pants to create a slimming effect. “By doing this, someone can go for a style that’s not exactly right for them, but color tailored to her face shape can add just enough magic to pull it off.” Highlights should be on the top of the head and lightly frame the face. “If you have very dark brown to black hair, I don’t think highlights work,” says Tuttle. She suggests a contrasting color such as darker amber red or a violet instead of highlights. Blondes who have gone darker or even dishwater should imagine their hair color at about age 5. “That’s your best highlight color,” she says.

Hair cuts and styles to avoid if you’re overweight

Obviously there are exceptions to every style rule and tip out there, but keep these tips from our experts in mind when looking for a new hairstyle and decide whether or not breaking the rules is the best move for you.

- “Avoid going too short,” says Olson. “Super-short hairstyles on round faces make your head look smaller than the rest of your body. If you simply must have to have that pixie cut, make it textured and wispy, with some height on top and in the bangs.”

- A perfectly centered part. “Nobody looks good with a centered part unless they’re Demi Moore or getting their features Photoshopped,” says Tuttle.

- “Avoid blunt cuts if your face is very round,” says Olson. Layers add texture and definition.

- Skip trendy cuts and styles. Tuttle’s rule of thumb: avoid a trend unless it supports your type of beauty. “Women conclude it’s them when a trendy style doesn’t work, when in reality it’s the trend that doesn’t suit them,” she says.

We realize that even style rules were meant to be broken, so if you’re positively rocking a look that defies these rules, let us know – or share a photo in our FGG Girls Flickr group, and link to it in comments!

Not feeling like “the fat friend” all comes down to attitude

A funny thing happened when I began brainstorming for this week’s Guide. I asked several of my fat-girl friends (FGF) what stressful situations they’ve encountered while out with thinner friends. The outpouring of ideas was great! They hit me with suggestion after suggestion, while I raced to get everything down. After telling them how awesome their lists were, I turned to the flip side of the question and asked how they’ve dealt with these challenges.

And. . . *crickets*

Okay, ladies, you’ve made yourselves clear. We have lots of insecurities and challenges when it comes to socializing with our skinny friends, and not a lot of ideas for how to deal. Hopefully, some of this week’s tips will help turn that around.

Scenario #1: Dining out

This topic definitely struck a nerve with my FGF posse. It seems when dining with skinny friends, we can feel embarrassed about squeezing between tables to take a seat. We worry about ordering without our friends commenting on (or just thinking to themselves) whether we are/aren’t/should be trying to lose weight. And when our dining partner wants to sit in a too-small booth, some of us squeeze into a space where we’re uncomfortable while others feel shame or embarrassment upon insisting on a table.

It’s worth noting that many of us wouldn’t think twice about these situations if we were out to dinner with overweight friends. Think about it: When you meet up with a fat-girl friend for dinner, do you feel embarrassed about requesting a seating arrangement that makes you comfortable? I don’t. I feel completely comfortable speaking up for my needs and just requesting a table (or a chair without arms) when the host seats us. I also notice that I think about what I order and how I eat it in a completely different way when I’m with thinner vs. overweight friends. I’m more self-conscious with skinny friends; I eat slower, more deliberately, lest they think to themselves, “Well no wonder she’s fat. . .”

So maybe the answer is to approach meals with friends — big and small — the same way. From a place of confidence, strength and openness. Offer to make the reservations at a restaurant that has food choices you feel good about. Simply tell your friend you’re more comfortable at a table. Or ask if she minds scooting into the chair that has to be reached by slithering next to another pair of diners. And if someone comments on your food in any way that makes you uncomfortable (even if they’re trying to be supportive), it’s okay to be polite but firm. “I’d rather catch up than talk about food,” or “I’m just ordering what feels right today” should be enough to end the questioning clearly and directly.

And in instances where none of the above suggestions sound like winners, try my best friend’s idea: “Skip the meal entirely and plan a non-food-related activity, instead.”

Scenario #2: Movies, concerts and sporting events

Ah, stadium seating. Always a wild card when it comes to bigger bodies finding a comfortable (or even tolerable) fit. While most newer theaters have made their chairs roomier and included armrests that can be raised, the default for most arenas and stadiums is still fixed armrests on narrow seats (Anyone who has ever attended a Cubs game or an event at Detroit’s Joe Louis Arena can vouch for their examples as confined spaces). Another good example is floor seating at some concerts, which consists of those little, armless, plastic folding chairs. As one of my friends said, “What do you do when you feel awkward about bleeding into your smaller friend’s seat?”

First of all, some of these situations offer ways to be proactive. Be the one to select where you sit in a movie theater, and pick a seat on an aisle where you can raise the armrest or lean toward the aisle if you feel squished. Or swallow your pride and simply ask your friend if s/he minds that you raise the armrest between you. I can almost guarantee that this is a bigger deal in our heads than it is for those we hang out with, so don’t be shy about asking for what you need to be comfortable.

Similar suggestions apply when choosing seating for a sporting event or concert; aisle seats always allow a little extra breathing room, although they might also include a fixed armrest even if others within the aisle raise. If you luck out and end up with an extra seat next to you, ask your friend if s/he’d mind you sitting next to the empty.

Beyond these little (and sometimes obvious) fixes, there aren’t any magic solutions here. If your body’s bigger than the tiny seats, you’re likely to spill a bit into one direction or another. This is a classic case of mind over matter. Rather than being embarrassed about whether you’re in your friend’s space, remind yourself that you’re both out enjoying your favorite band/team/actor and your friend wants to be there with you. Really, what’s a little hip rubbing between friends? So much better to have the body contact there than with the creepy guy next to you with his chest painted in the team’s colors.

I’d like to throw out a key “don’t” here, too: avoid the temptation to make self-deprecating or outright negative remarks when in these situations. It’s fine to keep it light, but there’s no need to tear yourself down in order to make yourself heard. People come in many shapes and sizes – that’s just part of life – and we each have a right to be comfortable and treated with dignity and respect wherever we go, and trusted and true friends will get behind that 100%.

Scenario #3: Girls’ Night Out

Whether it’s a bachelorette party or just a night out with the girls after a long work week, the GNO can be a double-edged sword for fat girls unless it’s approached in just the right way. On the plus side: Hello? Great times with your good friends! On the down side: Potential body image doubts raising their heads when faced with cute clubbing clothes or while perching on tiny-seated bar stools.

The best defense here is to put your most fabulous foot forward. Choose an outfit that makes you feel confident, sexy or drop-dead gorgeous. Play up your favorite asset with a top that flatters your cleavage, make up some seriously sultry eyes, or bust out your hottest pair of heels. This isn’t about comparing yourself to other friends — or party-goers — of different sizes; it’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, I’m hot!”

Once you look the part, it’s easier to feel the confidence — fake it ’til you make it, right? There are other small things you can do to make the night more comfortable. Offer to cruise direct the activities and choose a restaurant or bar that has seating and a layout that doesn’t put you on edge. Ask if you can reserve a table or a large booth for your group, then make sure to claim a comfortable seat upon arrival. And if the activities involved aren’t necessarily your thing (dancing, karaoke, etc.), you can either be the supportive one who cheers the others on while holding down the fort, or you can do the FGG thing and make a conscious choice to step outside the comfort zone and try something new for just one night. Get up and dance to your favorite song (no one is watching you, anyway — they’re all too busy with their own groove!) or hop on the mic with your BFF for a duet (trust us, no one expects karaoke to sound amazing).

The key is to keep yourself in the moment. Remind yourself that this is your chance to let loose and enjoy work-free, kids-free, responsibility-free bonding time with your friends. How often does that come around? And why in the world would you want to pass that up or talk yourself out of enjoying it?

Scenario #4: The shopping trip

For some fat girls I know (myself included), shopping can be a very emotional experience. Under the best circumstances, it can be tough to keep a positive attitude as you come face-to-face (-to-face, if there are three-way mirrors involved) with your body and the areas you feel less-than-confident about. But when a thin friend suggests shopping together, a whole new set of challenges come to light. Will it be embarrassing to tell her you can’t wear anything from her favorite store? Will trying on outfits together make you focus on your body in a negative way?

First and foremost, let’s get real for a moment: Your friend knows you’re overweight, so going to a traditional-sizes store with her won’t suddenly “out” you as a fat girl. She may not have a clue about what size jeans you wear or how you envy her ability to pull off pencil skirts, but she knows you’re not supermodel-skinny. . . because she sees you. In addition to knowing that you’re hilarious/sarcastic/a terrible driver/whip-smart/loyal/great at playing the drums on Rock Band, she also knows you’re overweight. And you know what? She doesn’t care. I truly believe that coming to terms with this fact is the key to maintaining open, healthy and supportive relationships with our skinny friends. And I say that from a “do as I say, not as I do” place — because God knows I’m still working on it myself.

So when your friend wants you to help blow her paycheck at Nordstrom, take the invitation at face value — she wants to spend time with you and she trusts you to help pick clothes that make her look her best. You can approach the situation from standpoint of fabulous personal shopper (keeping the focus on her purchases, and maybe just trying on some knock-out accessories for yourself), or you can suggest hitting a few stores that sell the clothes you love, as well. I’ll admit right now that it’s been years since I’ve dragged a “skinny” friend into Lane Bryant, but I’m wondering as I write this what’s taken me so long. Some of the most supportive and “Ang positive” people in my life are those who wear a size 6 or 10. They’re among the first to remind me of my best attributes (both physical and otherwise) when I’m feeling down, and they’re huge champions of me leading a confident, happy life.

Isn’t that really the bottom line? Our friends are our friends for a reason. They love us. They want the best for us. And they don’t care if we wear a size 2 or a 22, as long as we’re happy and healthy and we’ve got their back just as strong as they have ours. One of my dearest friends from high school — someone I’ve known for almost 20 years — recently thanked me for sharing my honest feelings about her wedding in a recent FGG post about being a bridesmaid. She said that article and this site have opened her eyes to some of the experiences by (and views about) overweight women that she never knew existed. I’m wondering why it took me 20 years to open up to this wonderful woman in my life, and I challenge each of you to take the smallest, single baby step this week to do something similar in your own lives.

How have you made peace with hanging out with friends of all sizes? Tell us about your logistical tips — or Jedi mind tricks — in comments.

Confidence is your best asset in front of the lens (Photo by JenniferBanks21)

This week, we asked our FGG fans on Facebook how they felt about having their picture taken, and the responses weren’t too surprising:

“I’m WAY happier BEHIND the lens because I’m always shocked that the girl looking back at me from a photo is really what I look like.”

“Some fat girl always takes my place in pictures, like magic. So weird.”

“I want to stop avoiding being in pictures.”

Whether staring down the barrel of a wedding photographer’s lens or a camera-happy friend snapping yet another round of Facebook pics, most full-figured women have felt that moment of panic right before the flash fires: “Can I squish behind my friend a little more?” “Do my arms look too flappy?” “I wonder if Photoshop has a ‘make me look like Kate Winslet’ setting?”

Tragically, the “Make Me Look Like Kate!” Photoshop action remains but a fantasy. Still, armed with practical questions from several of my best fat girl friends, I took the subject of looking good in photos to a professional. In addition to covering daily assignments as a photographer for the Grand Rapids Press, Emily Zoladz also freelances throughout west Michigan — including a booming wedding business. Emily gamely tackled topics ranging from trout pout to how to light up a candid photo, and even shared her own “can I hide it?” area. (Yes, fit girls have them too!) If you’ve ever wished you could dodge the camera rather than face an unflattering photo, read on and prepare to smile with confidence next time the camera swings in your direction. Knowing how to look our best in photos is an essential life skill for women (and men) of any size, because we deserve to feel fabulous when we look back on ourselves enjoying our favorite occasions.

FGG: What colors other than black are slimming in photos?

EZ: Anything dark, or any combination of dark with light on top (e.g. a dark skirt with a light-colored top). Also, go with what matches your eyes. For blue eyes, navy is a great color. If you have hazel eyes, wear olive or hunter green, and so on. 

FGG: Do you light or pose plus-size girls differently?

EZ: I don’t light full-figured girls differently. However, side filtered light (e.g. coming from a window or a soft box) is going to be more flattering than direct, unfiltered light on anyone. As for the pose, I think you should pose however you are comfortable. If I want you to sit on a window seat but you feel self-conscious about your legs, then go ahead — put a pillow on your lap and hug it. A confident, glowing smile is going to be what draws any eye to your portrait, regardless of the pose.

[FGG note: For a pose that elongates your body in a standing photo, try angling your body and feet toward the camera about 45 degrees but not fully sideways. Extend your outer leg slightly farther than your inner leg, and twist only your upper body toward the camera.]

FGG: Is there a universally flattering or “best” angle that makes a fuller face look thinner or minimizes double chins?

EZ: I would say side profiles tend to be more slimming than a full front-on pose. If I am photographing the side of the face, I can see the subject’s cheek bones more prominently. Practice for this pose by glancing over your shoulder and twisting your torso SLIGHTLY, as if someone has called your name and you are casually looking to see who it was. Also, keep your shoulders back and stacked high, rather than slouching. It may feel like you are sticking your tummy out, but broader shoulders actually create the illusion of a smaller waist. I would also avoid low angles (if your photographer is crouched down below you, pointing the lens upwards), because this will create double chins.

FGG: Does a “best” side really exist for each person? How do we know what it is?

EZ: I think people really do have a “best” side. It all depends on face structure. Noses are a big factor, cheek bones, as well. If you want to figure out yours, study old pictures of yourself and see if you can find any pattern among the “good” ones. Also, practice tilting your face this way and that in the mirror. Do you prefer the way you look like with your head cocked to the side, or facing straight-on?

FGG: Is it possible to pull off a successful come-hither look without looking like a trout?

EZ: [Laughs] I think the best way to pull this off is just to look serious. Don’t think about being sexy, think about being slightly mad. Don’t glare at the camera, just pout a little like something is annoying you. Some people are better at this than others. . . my friend Sasha pulls it off brilliantly.

FGG: What about avoiding half-closed eyes and having them “pop” without looking crazy or bug-eyed?

EZ: This is really up to the photographer. Some people are just blinkers, so you need to take several photographs in case you catch them in a blinking moment. To give your eyes a little “pop” without looking bug-eyed, try raising your eyebrows [a bit] and trying to think more intensely. Exert energy into that smile (or that frown, pout, etc.).

FGG: Let’s talk group photos: Where’s the best place for a big girl to stand if she wants to blend in?

EZ: In group photos, larger figures tend to blend better if they are mixed into the group, not on the end. If you are concerned about sticking out, don’t stand dead center, but don’t also stand on the end.

FGG: Any suggestions for girls who feels self-conscious of particular features, like wide hips, a belly or large upper arms?

EZ: When that camera is raised and you brace yourself into a pose, think about the features you DO like, not the ones you don’t. Everyone has something they are self-conscious about (for me it’s my upper arms). Pose how you are comfortable; if that means having to sit down, or twist yourself sideways a little, do it. A confident smile is key.

FGG: How much retouching or Photoshopping is included with professional pictures?

EZ: Retouching really varies depending on the professional and the purpose. I do retouching in weddings, but only for the bride and groom. I have nipped brides’ chins and necks up a little, firmed arms and pinched waists. Having said that, I won’t do anything that drastically changes the way the bride looks. I am always a little torn doing this, because I want you to look like you. At the same time, if it’s only [a slight adjustment] and it’s the difference between “Oh, I would love this photo but I HATE the way my arms look!” then the editing might be worth it.

FGG: You take a lot of candid shots — what advice would you give to any girl about embracing being photographed this way, which sometimes feels “scary” because she can’t control how she looks?

EZ: People are the most beautiful (in my opinion) when they are just being themselves. Don’t worry about a silly expression or if a shot will be made with your mouth half open. In reality, the photographer is thinking about how the light is hitting you, what angle best creates a clean composition — and then waiting for a particular moment to happen so that we can capture the essence of you. We aren’t going to go with that photo where you look awkward. We just sometimes have to take photos like that until you loosen up enough to show us who you really are.

FGG: Final advice for our readers? Anything goes!

EZ: I know I said it already, but BE CONFIDENT. Your personality is what shows through on film, not some silly jaw clench that you think makes your cheekbones pop.

One of my best friends swears by the “extend your neck out, then tilt your chin down” trick to shave off a double chin. What’s your secret weapon for looking fabulous in photos?

It’s been swirling around the blogosphere since last week, but in case you haven’t heard, reports emerged stating that two television networks, Fox and ABC, refused to air Lane Bryant’s new ad for Cacique lingerie. However, both networks run similarly racy Victoria’s Secret ads during prime time viewing hours, leading to speculation over whether the model’s size 16 bod was the reason behind the rejection. While the PR battle between Lane Bryant and the networks continues, let’s focus on a different issue: how awesome this ad is. Click below to view.

Sure, the model featured in the ad, Ashley Graham, is a size 16 – really on the cusp of plus size nowadays. But considering what usually passes for the female standard on television, this might be the beginning of a shift in both media perceptions and portrayals. Setting aside whether ads of this nature objectify women, and whether this is right or wrong, showing women with curves and some meat on their bones moving about with confidence, sass, and energy promotes just the sort of self image we value here at FGG.

Since the controversy first broke, both networks have agreed to air the ad during later portions of popular prime time programming. And Lane Bryant’s initial loss is now our gain, as the company is offering customers who visit www.lanebryant.com/sexy 40% off Cacique lingerie. And we’re excited that people are talking about what defines sexy, and whether it’s related to size at all. We’d be happy with a looser association.

Readers, tell us: What do you think of these ads, especially compared to Victoria’s Secret commercials? Are either or both too much of a good thing, or do they each strike the perfect note?

Gulf Coast, 2006: The day we built a playground with KaBOOM!

I was racking my brain Wednesday night for a way to kick off this week’s Guide (okay, truthfully I was watching “American Idol” at my friend’s house), when the show’s annual philanthropy-fest, “Idol Gives Back,” aired a piece that outlined the important work done by Feeding America. “I would love to work for Feeding America,” my friend said wistfully, “but I’d feel too weird about being a fat girl working for a hunger relief organization.” And just like that, this intro wrote itself.

Volunteering: The great equalizer

Here we are on Earth Day, smack dab in the middle of National Volunteer Week — what better time to tackle the perceived notion that fat girls are somehow lazy and inactive? The amazing plus-sized beauties in my world lead rich, diverse lives that include: horseback riding, travel, tennis, gardening, motherhood, yoga, cycling, softball and — for some — healthy doses of community involvement. Yet for some of us, it’s tougher to overcome the internalization of the notion that we “can’t” do something because of our weight. Maybe it’s because many of us equate volunteering with food pantries and soup kitchens, and anything involving food feels like it draws attention to us. Or maybe it’s because we fear not being able to keep up with the energy levels of those we’d be joining in whatever effort we chose. Martin Luther King once said:

Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. . . . You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.

Granted, Dr. King didn’t include “You don’t have to have a BMI lower than 25 to serve,” but his point is clear: Service is the great equalizer. Rich, poor, young, old, Ph.D. or high school dropout, fat or thin — it doesn’t matter who you are. It only matters that you want to lend a hand. And ladies, there are 10 times as many ways to pitch in as there are those of you reading these words right now.

Beyond food banks

It’s difficult to pinpoint how food became the default association when we think of volunteerism; perhaps it’s because hunger is such a universal issue. Or maybe it’s because, for those new to community service, spending a few hours packing food boxes or serving hot meals offers an easy, single-day way to get involved. Regardless, if you’re looking to avoid any perceived stigma (your own or otherwise) about being a fat girl working with food, don’t worry — there are scores of other ways to pitch in.

Our recent Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Closet mentioned donating your ill-fitting clothes to charitable organizations, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Opportunities to make a difference exist all around you — at your child’s school, through your church or as part of neighborhood clean-and-green efforts. If you’re not sure where to begin, try searching VolunteerMatch or Serve.gov, online databases of volunteer openings that are as easy to use as plugging in your zip code and area of interest. Idealist.org lets you be even more specific in searching its 18,000+ opportunities by selecting specific issue areas or skills used. Another great option to investigate is HandsOn Network, which includes 250 Action Centers in 16 countries. From big city organizations like Chicago Cares, New York Cares and Hands On Atlanta to smaller community hubs like Volunteer Center of Johnson County (Kansas) and HandsOn Bay Area (California), these centers are your local volunteer experts and can help connect you with a meaningful project that addresses critical need in your own community.

Find your volunteering niche

Because there are literally thousands of charities and volunteer opportunities out there, this is one of the few areas in life where you can essentially write your own ticket. So pick a cause that’s near and dear to your heart. Local animal shelters and adoption centers can almost always use volunteers to maintain the facilities and to walk, socialize and care for the animals. Various services for veterans rely heavily on volunteer assistance, and many youth organizations are starved for volunteers to staff their educational and recreational programs. Or you could pair good deeds with a current health or fitness goal and raise money while walking or running. Many 5K or 10K events also include a walking option; some are even geared toward families. Find an event near you by searching the Runner’s World database (look for walk/run combos).

If you’re looking for an activity that doesn’t require a lot of mobility or physical exertion, consider donating blood — zero exertion and free cookies! If you’re a knitter, take on a few projects that will benefit homeless or underprivileged kids or adults. Not crazy about needles of either kind? Become a trained domestic violence hotline volunteer, provide some companionship or a game of Bingo at the local senior center, or become involved as an ESL volunteer or youth tutor. In addition, nearly every nonprofit organization, large or small, welcomes willing, enthusiastic volunteers who can provide administrative or reception support. Your professional skills may come in handy, as well; try scanning the “get involved” or “support” pages for organizations you respect to locate their wish lists, which will often include services like PR, marketing, graphic design or accounting. Basically, if you have the time, an organization will gratefully find a way to use it.

Fight the “fat girls can’t…” notion

One of the scariest and most fulfilling experiences of my life took place in October 2006 in Biloxi, MS. A year after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the gulf coast, I finally had the time and money to spend a week participating in the rebuilding efforts. Having convinced a friend to join me, we made arrangements with Hands On Gulf Coast (now Hands On Mississippi), booked our flights, and spent a week eating communal meals and sleeping in bunk beds, dorm-style, surrounded by dozens of other volunteers.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I don’t take naturally to physical activity and hard labor; I’m an indoor, creature comforts kind of girl, and I’ll choose the escalator over the stairs every single time. So the idea of spending my vacation willingly rising at dawn and working until my feet ached and my muscles screamed was a huge step outside my comfort zone. I had several moments leading up to the trip where I thought, “Oh my God, I’m not going to be able to do this. I’m too overweight and out of shape. People will laugh at me. It’s going to be too hard.” But I’d spent the whole year wishing I could do something to help, and thankfully, that conviction overshadowed the massive doubts I was having.

The days were long and the work was hard. We spent two work days working on the community gardens maintained by HOGC, hauling fence portions and bags of Quikrete, digging post holes, hanging and setting fencing, painting the fence. Another day was spent raising a playground from the ground up with KaBOOM! (see photo, above). When we arrived on site that morning, there was an empty lot behind the school and a ton of supplies, tools and play equipment components; when we left that afternoon, 200 people from all over the county had created a full-scale playground for the kids to enjoy. I worked alongside the school’s principal atop a 10-foot-tall pile of playground mulch. I pitchforked mulch until my arms felt like they would rip off in protest. It was one of the most fulfilling days of  my life. That trip taught me that my weight may make some things more challenging (I’ve never popped so much Aleve), but it doesn’t define me unless I let it.

Celebrate the benefits of giving back

You don’t have to hop a plane to the nearest disaster zone or become Queen of the Mulch Pile to prove that fat girls can do anything they want to do. All you need is the willingness to step outside of your daily routine for a few hours here and there. Volunteer by trying something new or doing what you do best. Either way, the boost of accomplishment and confidence is one we could all use. Plus, if you’re shy about meeting people, community service is a terrific way to ease into a new network of friends with similar interests and passions. There’s even been research done to suggest that volunteering makes us healthier. The only question left is: How will you choose to get involved?

How do you stay involved in your community? Has your weight ever held you back? Tell us in comments.