The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

kiss by chatblanc1

You know you’ve watched her.

She’s the girl at a party with a gravitational pull that effortlessly draws men into her orbit. Or the stranger on the train whose laughter fills the car two stops after she boards, delighting the random passenger sharing her seat. Maybe she’s even a friend of yours — a fellow fat girl, perhaps — and you’ve long envied her ability to meet people and generate positive interest in such a breezy, natural way.

As you watch her, the questions pop into your head, unbidden: “Just what is it about her that draws men/women/anyone with a pulse so immediately? What’s her trick?” And possibly, painfully: “No one seems to care that she’s overweight — so why is it so hard for me?”

The fact is there are two kinds of women in this world: The natural-born flirts and those of us who wish we knew their secret. Or perhaps there’s a third kind: Women who have learned to approach flirtation as a craft that may be studied and practiced, a means to expanding our social circles, a boost for our self esteem, a fun way to pass the time — or all of the above.

Flirting prep: It’s about much more than our weight

If you were expecting a separate flirting playbook for the plus-size woman, forget about it. Although some men may be more drawn to our rockin’ curves, there’s no “How to Flirt if You’re Overweight” manual. That being said, we big girls sometimes need to get out of our own way when it comes to meeting and chatting up new people.

“Flirting is an attitude — I think that’s number one,” says Fran Greene, former Director of Flirting at Match.com and author of the recently released book The Flirting Bible: Your Ultimate Photo Guide to Reading Body Language, Getting Noticed, and Meeting More People Than You Ever Thought Possible. Rather than any one specific action or technique, Greene explains, successful flirting at any size comes from being self-confident, positive and enthusiastic.

“Flirting crosses all genders, weights and sexualities,” Greene says. “It’s about your confidence and your attitude, about the way you present yourself and make the most about what you have. It’s not about being a ’10,’ but about having this air about you — a combo of chutzpah and charisma.”

“But wait!” I can almost hear some of our readers saying. “If I went through every day feeling self-confident, positive and full of chutzpah, would I require sage, thought-provoking FGG columns such as this one?” A fair point, dear readers. When I broach the issue with Greene, she suggests positive self-talk and the support of friends as tools to help get us over the confidence hump. Despite her credentials (licensed clinical social worker by training; dating and relationships counselor by practice), Greene can’t bestow the Presto Change-o Magic Bullet of Confidence, any more than I can — it just takes work and practice.

Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder/CEO of eFlirt Expert, agrees that confidence is crucial. “If you’re feeling self-conscious, choose one thing that’s awesome about you and focus on that,” she suggests. “If your mindset is on the positive, great things will come!”

Davis’s advice not only sounds like a page straight from our recent Guide to Being Irresistible — Even to Yourself, but it makes good sense, too. If the essence of flirtation is about making fun, lighthearted connections with another person so that they want to learn more about you, it helps to buy into the package you’re selling. Some of us are born with that innate feeling of fearlessness, while others just have to keep working at it. Sitting in a corner listening to an inner soundtrack that’s stuck on “I suck and have nothing clever to say” won’t encourage anyone to chat you up. Change the track, already, and fake it ’til you make it.

Great first impressions require preparation at any size

Once you’re feeling irresistible (or are headed in the right direction), the next step is ensuring your first impression backs that up. Basic attention to your appearance goes a long way toward making you appear approachable and helping maintain your own confidence levels, so don’t underestimate how far a flattering hairstyle, manicured nails, standing up straight or wearing clothes that are flattering, age- and situation-appropriate will take you.

Although our self-sabotaging voice of doubt sometimes makes us feel invisible because of our weight, Greene points out that we sometimes make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If you’re dressed sloppily, like you don’t care,” she says, “is someone not interested because you’re overweight or because you don’t care about what you’re wearing?”

If you don’t know where to begin, she suggests getting advice from a close and/or male friend or taking someone shopping with you. “A lot of time we don’t see ourselves as other people see us. Take some pictures — what you see in photos is often different from what you see in the mirror,” which can help you appreciate yourself in a way that’s hard to do in the face of three-way mirrors and fluorescent lighting.

Set the stage for flirting success

Greene is adamant about the next rule: A good flirt never leaves home without a ‘prop.’ “For someone who struggles with weight or self confidence, props are natural conversation starters,” she explains. While the idea of luring someone into a dialogue based on a material object may seem like a bit of a cheat, Greene points out that girls who choose their props wisely (i.e. something that reflects their interests, passions or hobbies) will find their personalities shining through and potentially have more substantive conversations.

So what makes a good prop? Anything that gets you noticed, says Greene: unusual jewelry, a piece of clothing that references a passion or hobby, a book or newspaper, your dog, your kids, a tote bag, your dog and kids inside the tote bag . . . you get the idea.

Flirting is really about connecting

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by thinking of flirting as a daunting or elusive skill — it’s really just a simple series of events that make and maintain connections. To begin engaging someone, you’ll need to establish meaningful eye contact. Greene recommends holding the glance slightly longer than feels necessary (about 2-4 seconds) but not long enough to become a stare. And no, throwing in a wink does not make you cheesy or cliché.

“You have to start a conversation to make it happen, not wait for someone to come to you. The best opening line is very simple — just say ‘hello.’” Talk about your surroundings, give a compliment or state an opinion. The bottom line, Greene says, is to ” just get your mouth moving.”

A smile is also key here — as necessary to flirting as air is to breathing, according to Greene — because it makes you much more approachable. You don’t need to go through the day with a creepy, Cheshire Cat grin plastered on your face, but most people avoid engaging in witty banter with a person who looks like her dog just died. Successful flirts come across as playful and lighthearted, and they display a bit of vulnerability.

“Show that you’re real and human,” Greene emphasizes. You can even poke fun at yourself, so long as you follow Toni’s advice from a recent post and joke about your actions, not your essence. That’s just what one of Greene’s clients did after living out the nightmare scenario of accidentally tucking toilet paper into the back of her dress and being laughed at. Rather than skulk and hide, the woman walked up to the guy whose pointing had made her aware of the faux pas and said, “‘I want to thank you so much for saving me from embarrassment. My name is _____.”

Everyone loves a compliment

Something to remember about flirting: It’s not just about you. “The goal is to make someone else feel good, not just talk about yourself,” Greene says. To that extent, one of her tried-and-true suggestions for launching a flirtation is to give someone a compliment. Obviously, for best results you’ll want to keep your compliments honest and sincere. But Greene also suggests varying things a bit beyond commenting on someone’s shirt or eye color.

If you’re wearing something new or you always get compliments on your smile, having a stranger comment on these things will feel good but might not be as memorable as a compliment that comes out of left field. According to Greene, commenting on someone’s pleasant speaking voice, the patience they show with their kids, or even the way they organize their supermarket cart can not only be an ice-breaker but something that sets you apart.

Sound crazy? Think back to the compliments you’ve received recently, or over your lifetime. Which ones stand out in your mind? For me, the things people compliment are pretty reliable (my writing, for example). I love these compliments; I cherish them, and they warm me each time I hear them. But twenty years later, I still remember the name of the boy who told me in ninth grade that my nose was cute — and that it happened at the bowling alley. Things that are genuine but unexpected stay with us for a reason.

Take flirtation beyond “hello”

Once you’ve established a connection, keep the exchange going by practicing active listening. Lean slightly toward the person speaking, or touch him lightly on the arm. If you’ve never tried the simple touch on the arm, you may be amazed by how well this works.

Greene also suggests changing your behavior from the role of “guest” (someone who waits for others to take the lead) to the role of “host” (one who gets noticed by making things just a bit easier for others). This shift is important because it pries you out of being passive and waiting for something to happen.

How does this work in a real-world scenario? Offer a vacant seat at your table to the person scanning the crowded coffee shop for an open table. (The flip side of this might be to make eye contact and ask a passing customer if he’ll bring you cream and sugar so you don’t have to leave your laptop sitting unattended.) At a party or social function, offer to bring back food or a drink if you’re headed to the bar. Remember: Flirting is far less complicated if you break it down into a series of actions that foster connection.

Re-purposing a rejection

No matter how positive your attitude or how skilled your approach, there are bound to be encounters that don’t go as you’d hoped. If someone isn’t interested or doesn’t respond to a flirtation in kind, it can feel very personal — like a judgment or a confirmation of your deepest fears. In these moments, it’s critical not to let one person’s disinterest rule you.

“It’s so easy to go to the worst possible place,” Greene says, “telling yourself ‘If I were only 50 pounds lighter, if I had the perfect weight or body, he’d probably like me.’ We make it about us, but we don’t take into account the other person’s issues. We never know the real reason.”

While there will always be scenarios that are less than perfect, Greene says the key is to mentally re-frame a rejection by seeing it as an opportunity. Mentally and symbolically (read: not out loud), “Tell that person ‘thank you — you’ve done me a really big favor by being honest and not causing me to waste time I could be spending on more positive experiences.’ And then let it go.” Not every two people are destined (or suited) to be together.

Davis of eFlirt Expert agrees. “Online and offline, there is dating ‘riff-raff’ — the guys who will focus on the negative and possibly try to rile you up,” she says. “Ignore the nay-sayers to keep your sanity. If you had a negative experience, he wasn’t right for you anyway.”

Plus-size flirting online

Speaking of who you might find online . . . More people are meeting via personals and other online groups, forums and social media networks these days than ever before, so improving your virtual communication chops is never a bad idea.

“Catch his attention by finding him,” recommends Davis. “Search for your perfect match and write him an awesome e-mail. Play up your strengths — for example, if you’re witty, make sure your headline is snappy.”

When writing your own online profile, steer clear of tired and vague phrases such as “I love to laugh and have fun.” Instead, use the space to make your unique combination of quirks and passions come to life: “I rely on my daily Jon Stewart fix only slightly less than my morning latte or weekly Drag Queen Bingo nights with friends.” “Letting your personality shine through . . . . will get you the best kind of attention,” Davis emphasizes.

Online or off, flirting takes practice and finding an approach and a voice that feels natural to you. For me, the challenge is all about timing; in a situation where I’m comfortable and conversation is established, it’s tempting to over-flirt. Perhaps one day I’ll muster the same type of chutzpah with strangers. In the meantime, I’ll be the freckled chick devouring historical fiction on the El, wondering if today’s the day a fellow Tudor England nerd comments on my prop — er, read.

Tell us, readers: How do you break the ice? What’s your favorite flirting anecdote — or what fears are still holding you back?

Awkward date courtesy of der jones

The reasons why we date are personal. Some of us are looking to settle down and start families. Some want to have fun and aren’t ready for that yet. Some just ditched a long-term relationship and want to live it up for a while without labels or strings attached. There’s nothing wrong with any of this; we should be dating for our needs and desires, not to check off boxes on an imaginary list of things everyone expects of us. I’ve dated for fun, for companionship, to learn about myself and other people, and in search of someone to settle down with. I’ve dated to prove to myself that men want me, that I’m not desperate, and that I have good choices. In every single one of those instances, I’ve had great dates and awful dates, and I’ve found that the good experiences soften the blow of the bad ones, and the bad ones motivate me to chase after something better (or they simply make epic “we can laugh about it now” tales later on).

We’ve all been on a bad date or ten. Or fifty. They’re often the first (and only) date we’ll ever have with someone, but sometimes they happen months into a relationship when something goes horribly wrong, leaving you questioning why you’re together. No matter when they strike, bad dates can be really discouraging – even the comically disastrous ones that make great war stories. Bad dates seem to be an unfortunate necessity, like any other pothole on the road to an otherwise exciting adventure. Even knowing this, bad dates often make me question why I’m dating in the first place and what on earth is wrong with me that kept me from seeing such an awful evening coming.

The thing that makes a bad date so especially disheartening is that there’s so much hope going into it — particularly on the first few dates with someone. Even if you try to keep yourself in check, remaining cool and collected like the sophisticated woman of the world that you are, you can’t help having some anticipatory daydreams. Lurid fantasies are sometimes rudely interrupted when he announces that he’s decided to reclaim his virginity. Just as visions of dream houses and beautiful children begin forming, he shares that he can’t bear to settle in one place for more than a year or two. Or maybe he’s just plain . . . off. I once went on a date with a charming grad student who told me he’d taken himself off of his psych meds and had decided to start his doctoral work in biochemical weapons research. There was not a second date.

Our attitudes toward ourselves as big girls can make a bad date sting that much more, too. Sometimes we worry a guy won’t like us because of our size, or if he does adore us, we turn around and question why he does. I’m certain that we make our size into a bigger deal in our heads than it is to most men, but getting passed over in the meat market of dating is a very real thing. On the other side of that coin, I’ve had guys who were a good match in terms of intelligence and interests, but turned out to be more into their big butt fetish than anything (or anyone) else. We all want to have our bodies appreciated, but none of us like being objectified because of our size or shape. It’s not easy for anyone when a new relationship fails because of body-related reasons. But in my experience, I’ve been wanted for my body more than I’ve been rejected for it, which seems to be true for my friends of all shapes and sizes, so keep any size-related self-doubt in perspective when pondering why a date took a wrong turn.

We all hate to have our hopes dashed or see our rosy pictures of a person turn out all wrong. I think that rude awakening is harder to deal with than the actual date itself. Dating is a little bit risky and scary; we have to rely on our intuition and people-reading skills to try and sort out whether or not our date meets our personal criteria, sparks any chemistry, or raises red flags. When everything looks good to go but turns out to be a wreck, a girl can’t help but question her judgment. Don’t linger in that place for long; your intuition isn’t broken and you aren’t a bad judge of character. There’s simply no way to know everything about someone in a few weeks or even months, and rough patches on the road to dating adventure are completely normal. If you do find yourself in the same bad relationship pattern over and over again, you may need to reassess your deal-makers and deal-breakers, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. These things will change over time and be refined with every relationship, and all we can do is learn from what happened and use it to our advantage going forward.

If you can learn to live with your dating mistakes and disasters, I think you’ll find that the ups and downs of dating will level off. Doing things for ourselves gives us confidence–in ourselves, in our desirability and worth, and in the decisions we make. Not dating because of a bad experience? It might be time to think about what you want out of a relationship right now and give it another go. Cast your net wide: there are wonderful men out there who will treat you well and adore you, even if you have to trip over a few trolls on your way to finding them.

Got a great bad date story you can laugh about now? Or a real heartbreaker you ultimately learned from? Share your bad date stories or your tips for getting over an evening gone horribly wrong in the comments.

Swap Wheaton’s book (sorry, Wil) for one of these fat-friendly titles (image by Mingo.nl)

Some girls over-pack clothes or make-up when they travel. One of my best friends insists on lugging along what we’ve dubbed a “shoe-case” because it’s dedicated only to footwear. Me? I over-pack . . . well, everything, but especially books. In preparation for the upcoming Fourth of July weekend, a four-day getaway with friends to Door County, WI, I’ve already chucked three books into the “take along” pile, while knowing better than to think I’ll have that kind of time. And yet, summer wouldn’t be summer for me without beach reads. As Toni touched on in her recent ode to lazy summer days, for many of us, few things are more intoxicating than a relaxing day at the pool or beach, splashing in the waves (or getting splashed by our kids), with ample time to devour a page-turner.

In honor of those lazy days and the upcoming holiday weekend, FGG has compiled a few ideas for books that feature plus-size protagonists — but they come with a disclaimer: Obviously, taste in books is incredibly individual, so we don’t expect each of these titles to have the same appeal to every reader. Further, it’s a tricky thing writing for a blog that doesn’t wholly identify itself in either the “fat acceptance” or “weight loss” genre, but rather seeks to strike a realistic and empowering tone for overweight women in general; that tightrope walk becomes more pronounced when attempting to recommend literature featuring plus-sized characters, because the genre is so controversial. There are as many “fat girl” and weight-loss memoirs out there as there are poorly drawn, self-hating or insultingly unrealistic primary or tertiary characters in fiction (Jemima J, I’m looking at you). For that reason, we’ve tried to list books whose overweight female protagonists are strong, unashamed and multifaceted, or whose struggles with their weight issues are presented in an honest and real way, without being condescending or insinuating that only through weight loss can one find love and meaning.

In short: Your mileage may vary, but we hope there may be something for everyone. So grab a beach blanket and enjoy!

If you’re in the mood to laugh

Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office (Jen Lancaster, 2006)

What to Expect: Unabashedly self-centered (hence the title), the plus-sized Lancaster draws from her riches-to-rags unemployment experiences in the post-9/11 economy to deliver gut-busting humor and a trademark snarky wit. This is the first of Lancaster’s best-selling memoirs, so if you dig her style, you’ve got all summer to gobble up her other four titles: Bright Lights, Big Ass; Such a Pretty Fat; Pretty In Plaid; and the recently released My Fair Lazy.

Good fit for your beach bag? Readers either can’t get enough of Lancaster’s humor, or seem to find her observations unrelatable and mean-spirited. Which category you belong to depends heavily on your feelings toward curse words and everyone’s-a-target humor.

Frangipani: A Novel (Célestine Vaite, 2006)

What to expect: The first in Vaite’s trilogy of novels following the relationships and antics of “professional house cleaner” Materena Mahi and her family, this novel is as chock-full of strong, diverse female characters as it is whimsy. The story centers on the relationship between plus-size Materena and her daughter, which allows Vaite to get maximum play from the Tahitian myths and superstitions that govern Materena.

Good fit for your beach bag? This lighthearted, quick read should appeal to readers seeking a different take on the age-old struggles between mothers and daughters. Plus, the gorgeous Tahitian setting is beach-worthy, for sure.

Good In Bed (Jennifer Weiner, 2002)

What to expect: Twenty-eight-year-old Cannie Shapiro faces what many of us would deem our worst nightmare: her ex-boyfriend has written an article about their sex life, titled “Loving a Larger Woman,” which appears in a Cosmo-esque national mag. Hilarity, tears and tequila shots ensue, as Cannie sets off on an ill-advised journey to lose weight and win back her jackal of an ex — before realizing she deserves better.

Good fit for your beach bag? There’s a reason this is a go-to novel for both plus-size chick lit and those looking for something a little more substantial: It’s a really enjoyable read that features a protagonist you can cheer for. Sure, there are plot points requiring a suspension of disbelief, but Weiner’s smart, sassy writing gives Cannie a believable, identifiable voice, and we appreciate the willingness to stray beyond “weight loss = happiness” as a takeaway.

If you’re in the mood for love

Love at Large (Anthology, 2005)

What to expect: Six separate stories of plus-size women finding love with men who think they’re scrumptious. Want more? None of these protagonists are clinging vines just pining for a man; they’re independent, strong and sexy — all of which their suitors find irresistibly appealing. Yes, literary world, men can and do love larger women!

Good fit for your beach bag? Fun, fluffy and perfectly portioned for reading between catnaps. In short, a perfect beach read. One of the stories is even set near Lake Michigan, which made this girl proud.

Suddenly You (Lisa Kleypas, 2001)

What to expect: A lush, historical bodice-ripper with a plus-size female lead? Believe it. The action (so to speak) begins as 30-year-old Amanda opens her door to the male prostitute she’s hired to take her virginity — only to discover later that she’s judged his identity too hastily. What follows is a romantic cat-and-mouse game between free-spirited writer Amanda and her visitor (and new publisher), Jack, as well as a celebration of the allure of curvaceous beauty.

Good fit for your beach bag? If you’re a fan either of historical or romantic fiction, this is a no-brainer, but even skeptics may be drawn in by the impressively developed characters and witty dialogue. (And did we mention the sex?)

If you’re in the mood to reflect… or even cry

The Little Giant of Aberdeen County (Tiffany Baker, 2010)

What to expect: The story of 400-pound “giant,” Truly Plaice, orphaned as a young girl and having grown up surrounded by loss, drama and societal cruelty. Parts of the story may prove painful for readers who have experienced sadness at the hands of bullies and insensitive acquaintances, but fans of the book rave about Truly’s honest, compelling narration and her ability overcome her life’s circumstances and find meaning and escape.

Good fit for your beach bag? Part horror story and part fairy tale, this book seems to best suit the reader who seeks gloriously descriptive prose and page-turning twists — without expecting ponies and rainbows to be waiting on the other side.

The Wife’s Tale (Lori Lansens, 2010)

What to expect: The journey of an overweight (302 pounds) woman whose husband leaves on the eve of their 25th wedding anniversary. Realizing that she’s as imprisoned by fear as she is by food, Mary Gooch ventures from her Canadian hometown for the first time, finding her way to the new sights and characters of California as she seeks to find her husband, and herself.

Good fit for your beach bag? Some will find Mary’s cold-turkey “I’m not hungry anymore” weight loss off-putting, while others might wish for more of an ending, but introverted readers who seek to identify with a narrator may be drawn to Mary’s struggle and the intricate details of her life as an overweight woman.

If you’re in the mood to sleuth

If mystery’s your thing, it seems your full-figured female protagonist cup runneth over — what is it about fat girls that makes us scream “I’m the next literary answer to Angela Lansbury!”? For reasons we can’t identify, several series out there feature larger (or “average-size”) female characters; we’ve suggested a couple here that tend to get good reviews.

Too Big to Miss (Sue Ann Jaffarian, 2006)

What to expect: Don’t let the title or the ample-sized silhouette drawn on the cover art fool you: This isn’t a fat-hating book. Fortysomething paralegal Odelia Grey stands 5’1 and weighs 230 pounds, and although she’s not immune to the trials of life as an overweight woman, she doesn’t let them keep her down. Smart, talented and believable, Odelia kicks off her career as amateur sleuth here (five other titles follow), as she investigates the apparent suicide of her friend Sophie, a fat-girls’ rights advocate.

Good fit for your beach bag? While they’re split on some of the book’s humor (Odelia’s self-deprecating comments could be seen as undermining the size-positive message of her very existence as a heroine), critics and readers all seem to agree that Odelia’s a gem and Jaffarian’s plots are well-constructed.

Earthly Delights: A Corinna Chapman Mystery (Kerry Greenwood, 2008)

What to expect: Corinna Chapman used to be an accountant, but now she runs a bakery and is about to become a part-time sleuth. Confused? Don’t be. All you need to know is Corinna is “ample bodied” and fabulous. Set in Melbourne, Australia, this inaugural Chapman mystery follows Corinna as she balances life (and a potential love interest) with chasing the killer of local drug addicts.

Good fit for your beach bag?: Frothy and possibly forgettable, but definitely fun in the process.

Tell us, readers: What books are in your beach bag this season? What are your thoughts on portrayals of overweight women in literature? And what’s your favorite book — of any genre — featuring a larger main character?

Vive la difference!

Wouldn’t it be great if all of our dating-related anxiety evaporated once we met someone great? I think it should. After all the craziness often required to get to “great,” I don’t think anyone should be lying awake worrying about what other people think. But it’s hard not to worry at least a little when big differences loom between you like an elephant in the room — especially when those differences are physical. A potentially great pairing can wind up in peril if insecurity keeps you from enjoying each other, which can happen regardless of your size, age, or gender.

We all have an idea about how couples are “supposed” to look. They should probably be of a similar level of attractiveness, the archetypal big, strong man protecting the delicate, little (yet curvaceous) woman. That’s what pops into my mind, anyway. When you and your chosen one don’t fit into that mold, it can add another layer of anxiety to what’s already there.

What do you do when you’re dating someone who is really physically different from you or from that idea of what a couple should look like? Maybe they’re shorter or half your weight or absurdly fit and handsome or disabled or from a radically different cultural or ethnic background. No matter what the big difference is, it can be scary to confront. Unfortunately, you have to confront it in one way or another if you’re going to get comfortable with it. You must come to terms with the difference in your own mind, and you might even (gulp!) have to talk about it together.

Here’s the first thing you need to know: They wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place if they weren’t attracted to you — and I mean attracted physically. This is especially hard to believe if you feel like the guy is out of your league. I was with a guy for a while who was drop-dead gorgeous, had abs like Brad Pitt, was really nice, and was very successful. 99% of women would be seriously intimidated by him and be wondering why he had asked them out. I couldn’t help wondering why this guy who could have any girl wanted a fat girl like me. Turns out he was into my looks, my personality, my brain, and my big butt. It’s easy to forget that for many men, offering bigger versions of their favorite female body parts is a very nice perk. It’s even easier to forget that men are much less judgmental and far more appreciative of our bodies than we tend to be.

Here’s the second thing you need to know: They might feel physically inferior to you and fear that you won’t find them attractive. There’s a lot of pressure on men to be the big, strong Alpha male. But of course, just as most of us don’t resemble supermodels, many guys don’t fit that hunky he-man mold. I’ve dated men who were short and guys who were very thin and one who was so overweight and out of shape that he couldn’t walk a city block without getting winded and needing a break. While I was worried they would think my body was too big, they were even more worried that their bodies didn’t measure up to my standards. It’s easy to put those fears to rest if he asks whether or not it’s an issue. If it doesn’t come up, you can be stealthily reassuring and mention the things you like about his body.

Ultimately, you have to stop fretting over your differences and find the bonuses that they bring to your relationship. Do you get to enjoy the eye candy and enthusiastic attentions of someone with the body of an underwear model? Lucky, lucky girl. There are great things about kissing someone who’s about your height, and there are even greater things about how other parts of you line up. A big guy will make you feel especially feminine and delicate. Not only will you not break a skinny guy if you’re on top, but you might find that a whole new range of positions are available.

Having doubts and insecurities is inevitable–if it’s not looks, then it’s going to be something else. It’s human nature. The important thing is to not let those doubts or worries get in the way of enjoying each other. Just as we big girls should hold our heads high and feel comfortable in our own skin wherever we go, we should feel just as proud stepping out with our partners, because variety can be deliciously spicy.

Have you dated a guy (or girl) who was vastly different from you physically? How did you handle it (or not)? Share your experiences in the comments.

Even for weddings, my brothers and I don’t really do “traditional”

Chances are it’s happened to you already. Perhaps it was your sister, your best friend or your college roommate. You may have been over-the-moon excited, or you may have agreed with a pasted-on smile and a sinking stomach. Regardless of the circumstances, almost every fat girl will eventually face the question, “Will you stand up in our wedding?”

Having answered “yes” three times so far (2002, 2005 & 2008), I found myself saying “I wish I’d known back then…” several times as this Guide came together. Weddings can bring all kinds of emotions — both happy and bittersweet — to the surface, but for fat girls they also bring the potential stresses of conforming to a dress code, standing for long hours, and appearing in photos that will be kept forever. If that last sentence has you wanting to throw in the taffeta, hold onto your garters and see if our Guide gives you other ideas.

Make the best of your dress

Let’s get this out of the way: Unless you’re attending the Coolest, Most Laid-Back Bride in the History of Time, you’ll likely be asked to wear a dress that wouldn’t be your first choice, or possibly even something you’d wish on your worst enemy. For better or worse, brides sometimes begin planning their weddings with very specific mental images about how everything will look, and bridal party attire often plays a large role. Accept that fact. The sooner you do, the less painful everything else will be.

So, while you may not be determining fashions for the entire wedding party (more power to you if you are – go buy that awesome bride a drink!), some brides will be amenable to a request or suggestion if it’s approached just right. We recommend whittling your bridesmaid dress wish list (Remember: Not. Your. Wedding.) to the one item that’s your absolute deal breaker–and then avoiding the phrase “deal breaker” when you offer feedback. Maybe you know from experience that you’re too busty to pull off strapless without an NC-17 rating. Maybe skirt-and-top separates don’t provide enough coverage in back for you to move comfortably without exposing skin. Or maybe you’re just hoping and praying for a cut that doesn’t wrap your tummy or hips in a death grip. Part of signing on for bridesmaid duty is agreeing to be flexible, but your bride likely wants her ‘maids not to hate her — or at least to look good in photos.

Although the rule of thumb is to begin with a style that flatters the largest bridal party member(s), if your bride’s not a fat girl herself, she may not be hip to this idea… yet. Try to be as honest as possible with her while respecting her role as decision maker. (This part is especially important if she’s leaning toward a dress that doesn’t come in your size.) Offer to shop or pore over endless bridal mags with her (either in person or online). Show her some fabulous options that are fat-girl friendly and non-frumpy (see below). Share photos from a gorgeous wedding you attended where each bridesmaid selected her own dress in a color of the bride’s choosing.

If, despite your best efforts, the mandate is a dress you just can’t live with, the decision becomes yours. You can grin and bear it (and never, ever look at the photos) or politely decline. Both choices have their repercussions; follow your gut to decide which one is right for you in the long run.

Beyond the butt bow

Let’s assume that you’ve snagged some level of control over your fashion fate — where do you turn now? Fortunately, the world of plus-sized fashion continues to expand by the season, giving prospective bridal parties more flattering options than ever before. Superstores like David’s Bridal offer many dress styles (including separates, which allow you to mix different sizes for top and bottom) in sizes to 26, with some options extending to size 30. Sizes at online retailer Sydney’s Closet range from 0-44, though you’ll pay extra for sizes above 26. Other suggestions include inweddingdress.com (creative styles in sizes 2-26W), PS Bridal (discount online retailer specializing in plus-sized dresses and guaranteed fits, sizes 0-32+), designer Alfred Angelo (carries sizes 0-30W) and TheRoseDress.com (sizes ranging from 0-28 or small-6X, depending on designer). When my brother got married in 2008, my sister-in-law gave us free reign on dress selection. I thanked her profusely, then fell in love with a tea-length green number from IGIGI (see photo), although their bridal party pickings are currently a little slim.

When it comes to fabrics and cuts, remember that stiffer fabrics (satin, taffeta, velvet) don’t drape as nicely as more fluid options (crepe, chiffon, silk) and may add the illusion of more weight to your hips, waistline, etc. Ruffles and excessive pleating will do the same thing. A-line cuts generally flatter most figures and are more forgiving of larger hips and thighs, while interesting necklines or details draw the eye upward and away from your lower half. If you’re busty, be sure the top and straps offer enough support to keep you from spilling out.

Alter before altar

As we learned previously here at FGG, tailors can do wonders for your finished silhouette with a few nips and tucks. Consider enlisting a professional to help you look your best in bridesmaid couture — whether it’s a simple hem job for short girls or something more elaborate like contouring the waist, moving the straps or taking in the bust. The second time I was a bridesmaid (2005), the bride and all three of her attendants were plus-sized. Sizing for the burgundy dress she selected stopped at 24 back then, so we three ‘maids took our gowns to a local seamstress to have them sized more appropriately. In addition to hiking up the skirt a solid five inches for the shortest bridesmaid (yours truly), for two of us that meant adding a panel of fabric to the skirt, which we had wisely included with our purchase. It’s always better to purchase extra fabric at the same time you buy the dress; the odds are better that the color and sheen will more closely match your existing palette. Fair warning: The additional fabric and alterations tacked about $100 onto the price of the dress (thankfully, ours were purchased on sale).

A strong foundation

All the gown-selection care in the world won’t matter if you don’t dress the part underneath. For big girls like us, that may well mean taking one for the team and making peace with your Spanx. In addition to smoothing the line of your hips, tummy and thighs (which will help the fabric drape more smoothly and improve your silhouette for photos), the control provided by shapewear can give you a bit more confidence as you move down the aisle or shake it on the dance floor. I’ve fought a lifelong battle with shapewear but have had genuinely good results with the Spanx Super Power Panties. The top portion comes high enough to enclose my tummy without rolling down, and the legs don’t pinch, chafe or leave impressions, which is a huge relief. They’re pricey ($32) but they smooth the lumps that show on my hips otherwise.

Equally important is a good bra, especially if your dress is strapless or sleeveless. Both Lane Bryant and The Avenue offer convertible bras that can accommodate numerous strap configurations. If you plan to have your dress fitted, be sure to take and wear your convertible bra for the fitting so the tailor can adjust accordingly.

Accessorize your assets

If you get to select your own shoes for the big day, choose a pair that work with your dress but also won’t lead you to cursing under your breath two minutes into the ceremony. Chunkier heels provide more support and stability but don’t always look as cute with formal dresses. Heels make your legs look great, of course, but they also increase the weight-bearing pressure on the balls of your feet and the toes (good time as any to try gel inserts?). Even if you’ve hand-picked your shoes (and especially if you haven’t and are wearing bride-issued heels, sandals, etc.) consider packing a pair of ballet flats to change into for the dancing portion of the reception.

Some brides choose wedding jewelry as the “thank you” gift for their attendants; this is another area where it pays to be respectful but open with your bride; standard necklaces or bracelets may not fit a plus-sized girl’s neck, wrist, etc. My sister-in-law gave us knockoff pashmina shawls in 2008, which I loved. Even if your bridesmaid dress doesn’t include a wrap or shrug, arm-conscious girls can always bring one of their own to don after pictures (or before, with bride’s blessing).

Finally, if you’ve got the cash for it, say “yes” to any pre-wedding mani/pedi or massage pampering. It’s a great way to bond with the other members of the wedding party and the bride (especially if you live far apart), and it will help make you feel pretty, primped and sexy for the day of the wedding. Hair and makeup can be another glamorous treat (sometimes the bride pays, sometimes you do), but be sure you’re using a stylist that your group trusts. I’ll never be able to create the amazing makeup job done by the stylist from my Bridesmaid ’05 stint, but I’ve also seen friends horrified and bawling after a pro makeup job produced drag queen results.

Through it all, a little perspective

Years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of one of my best high school friends. Things were chaotic from the start: She lived in Denver, I lived in Chicago, and the wedding was in Detroit. Truthfully, I had no business holding the MOH title, since her sister did most (okay, all) of the work. I was young, broke, recently un-engaged, and a train wreck of epic proportions. On the morning of the wedding, we all had our hair done at a local salon, and I foolishly turned myself (and my ultra-long, willful hair) over to the care of the stylist without much direction. She suggested an updo that involved knots of some sort; I deferred to her and zoned out. Ninety minutes later, I was sobbing on my mother’s shoulder because my lifeless hair was skinned back from my head, emphasizing all the wrong things about my heaviest-weight-ever features.

Looking back on it now, I wish I could relive that day. Not because I’d do my own hair (though I have ever since) or because I’d ditch the ridiculous white nylons I wore under the dress (yeah, I don’t know), but because my attitude was all wrong. Being asked to stand with someone as they take their vows is an honor and a privilege. True, it often costs us an arm, a leg and a few shreds of our dignity, but it means we’re loved and cherished enough to be in the innermost circle. We’re flattering ourselves if we think all of those eyes are on us during the wedding instead of on the bride and groom. And as a bridesmaid, you only have to “ooh” and “aah” over the photos once or twice, not mount them on your wall.

So I had knots on my head for one day out of my life…who cares? When I look at the one photo I hung from that day, I don’t see the stupid knots or the remains of my tear stains — I see how much Rebekah cared about me and wanted me to be by her side. I’m reminded about how much she still means to me. And I see a friendship worth wearing Spanx for. Hopefully, each of us is lucky enough to have at least one of those friendships in our lifetime.

What are your best bridal party tips and tricks, or your “oh, hell — never again!” bridesmaid stories? Share all the juicy details in comments.

Holding Hands by Chinogypsie

You know your relationship needs help when you get cold shouldered by Dixie Carter’s death. Nothing against Ms. Carter, but when a two-inch celebrity obit is enough to kill your partner’s mood, it might be time to ask what’s going on. In our case, it’s one of those Mars-Venus things.

Ordinarily, my wife and I are an excellent team. Whether we’re camping in a state park, planning a holiday party, or co-parenting our fierce and willful four-year-old daughter, we’ve learned to anticipate each others’ needs, to communicate effectively, and to work with the skill and efficiency of a NASCAR pit crew within a schedule that’s often jam-packed with obligations. When one of us needs an afternoon off from parenting, the other picks up the slack. When one goes to the store, (s)he always considers what the other might need, without having to ask. In short, we know how to put the other person first. Which, to me, is the very definition of love. So, all would seem idyllic.

Well, not quite. As I’ve learned, all these things, while necessary and good, fall under the rubric of “support and partnership” but leave something to be desired when it comes to “cherishment.” Now cherishment is a word you may not have heard recently, probably because the last person to use it was likely Chaucer. But in essence, it encompasses all those little loving behaviors that one person displays to show physical affection: holding hands across the dinner table, playing idly with your partner’s hair, looking soulfully into your partner’s eyes, kissing deeply and passionately without the expectation of anything more.

As my wife explained it, “As a big woman, it’s easy for me to slip into thinking that ‘he won’t touch me unless he wants sex, so he must think I’m gross.’” Of course, being a bit of a beef-wit, I hadn’t thought of that. And I should have, because my wife’s been more than frank about her history before we got together. In those days, when her self-esteem was low, it was not unusual for her to be, shall we say, less than particular about her choice of partners—her logic being: “Well, he wants me. Good enough. I guess I’ll go home with him.”

Problem is, I’m just not a touchy-feely guy, and as such, I forget that those little caresses are so important to her. More importantly, I forget that their absence carries a negative subtext. So while I excel at support and partnership, I fail miserably at cherishment. Which is why something like Dixie Carter’s death can derail date night, even after seeing the movie “Date Night.” And while I’m not naïve enough to believe that remembering an extra quart of milk at the market is going to make my wife want to blow me (really, I’m not), I do believe all the times I put her needs before my own should count for something.

This is the part of the column where you might expect to find some pithy insight that solves the problem I’ve just described. Well, you can sit back in your chairs…no such luck. After another slogging late-night argument, my wife and I went to sleep, only narrowly averting a scenario where one of us bunks on the couch. We’ve discussed marriage counseling–I was in favor, she was against. We’ve each done a lot of work on ourselves, both in recovery from substance abuse and in individual psychotherapy. So I do understand her reluctance to embark on yet another soul-scouring enterprise.

So rather than tie this all together with some flip, clever, or pat answer that might get a laugh but solves nothing, I’ll put the question to you, dear readers: How do you practice “cherishment” in your relationship? And how do you encourage it in your partner?

PS – To Ms. Carter’s family, no disrespect intended. Dixie was kick-ass.

My dating history probably looks like many of yours: some good, some bad, with a few twists, turns, and surprise endings. We’re all full of hope and idealism at the beginning — sometimes enough to smother the little voice whispering that this is a Very Bad Idea – while at the end, we usually vow to never make that mistake again. This is why, despite my long string of failed relationships, I don’t regret a single one.

The good guys and the good traits remind us of what we truly want, be it qualities in personality, looks, or relationship dynamics. This is incredibly important for a couple of reasons. First, it helps sustain our hope that our dreams will become a reality, even when things are bad. Second, it helps to keep us from becoming too cynical or bitter about the prospect of love. We all need a reminder that there are lovely, charming people out there who dig us.

When it comes to the failures, let me make one thing clear: a relationship isn’t a failure just because it doesn’t lead to marriage. The failures that make great war stories later on, the ones that become classic examples of what not to do – these grizzly tales have ultimately helped me find increasingly better relationships. My dating scenarios usually started out in one of two ways: I deliberately ignored my intuition, accumulated wisdom, and the array of red flags warning me to stay away, or after ending something with a bad guy or a bad relationship, I’d run toward guys with opposite qualities. If Mr. Wrong was an anti-intellectual who refused to read, the next guy I’d date was going to be a professor. If he was too controlling and selfish, the next guy would need to fall all over himself to make me happy. I knew all of these are pairings wouldn’t work from the start, but I’m stubborn that way.

Over the course of my twenties, I’m finding that the pendulum swings are less and less extreme. I’m finally able to identify people and potential relationships that strike a happy medium. By taking chances on guys who strongly exhibited certain qualities, I got an intensive course in whether or not I actually liked and wanted that quality in a partner, how much I’m willing to put up with, and which traits are necessary and which are optional. I was never inundated with such information when I dated men who were utterly safe, without even the merest hint of danger or fear of getting hurt.

A sneaky fact about those seductive qualities that attract us, even though we know it might be a bad idea? They’re often a hair’s breadth removed from the quality we really want in a person. Say you want someone who will be a good provider with a stable job. You might think an up-and-coming junior executive is the perfect guy–until you date him and discover you can’t have a relationship with someone who works 90+ hours a week. I did that, but now I’m dating someone who makes less money, but is really responsible with it and has a great work ethic. Rich and powerful is nice, but I’ll take stability and having a highly involved relationship over that any day.

If you haven’t done it in a while, I encourage you to look back on past disasters and make a list of “must haves” and deal-breakers in a potential partner. You might be surprised how experience and time has shifted your priorities and the qualities you’re looking for. Even though the relationships weren’t all good, having the wisdom of your own life refined and set down on paper in front of you is a very good thing indeed. By being willing to take a few calculated risks to move your ship out of the safe harbor of “good enough,” you might find yourself winning the dating game.

Tell me about your dating mistakes – what have they taught you, what qualities did you discover mattered to you as a result?