The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Charlie’s daughter strikes a pose as a “sailor boy”

If I may say so, my four-year-old daughter is a well-rounded kid. She loves trains (courtesy of my love for them), cars, tools (the toy ones), and squirt guns. (Unlike a lot of parents, we’re not anti-water gun, we just make sure she understands that there exists a world of difference between water and bullets.) While she loves foam pirate swords, the hard plastic variety hold no interest because they can actually hurt someone. Tori also adores old cars, mostly because she loves Ruby, my 1972 Ford Maverick (yes, it’s got a child safety seat aboard) and can’t wait till she’s old enough to sit up front.

When it comes to toys, games, and activities, we try to balance the passive (TV watching and online games) with the active (swimming, biking, hiking, and climbing) and imaginative (pretending, role-playing, reading, and puzzle-solving). We’ve limited the overtly commercial franchises where possible, but the “princess phase” is perhaps unavoidable in little girls, and suppressing it seems as gender-biased as forcing it. Disney’s prices have done a great job of keeping our supply of DVDs to a minimum, but even the casual observer will find that Tori likes magic wands, Hello Kitty, and Tinkerbell. Again, telling her this stuff is too passive or girly seems just as silly as strapping boxing gloves on her, so we let her enjoy it.

My only reservation about her ideas on gender roles lies in some of the “rules” she recites once in awhile. She’s fond of saying “girls like pink and boys don’t” or “boys can’t have long hair.” We’re quick in every case to point out clear examples in her life where these rules don’t apply. She knows several boys with long curly hair and others who like pink better than blue. I’m not sure if she’s getting these stereotypes from school or TV, but they don’t go unchallenged around here. In fact, at age 4, Tori’s already been to a gay pride parade so she could meet some “princesses” (i.e., full-on drag queens) first-hand, which was more a shock to them than to her.

My most deeply held dreams for my daughter have little to do with gender-based ideals or roles, however.

Be fierce. Be strong, Be compassionate. Be curious.

These are the things I want for my daughter. Other fathers likely have similar lists. Like many dads, I wonder how I’ll handle the various milestones in my daughter’s life: her first date, her first time driving solo, the day she sets out on her own. Then there’s all the body image issues that begin early and seem to challenge a woman’s self-image throughout her lifetime: How do I protect her from the shame and self-loathing so common among women in our society? Can I? Should I?

Above all, I want Tori to have a strong sense of self, a trust for her own gut instinct, and enough confidence to resist measuring herself against someone else’s yardstick. But the power of the media is strong: fashion magazines, diet plan come-ons, and “reality” programming are tough to avoid. I’ve always believed that the fashion industry is one of the biggest cons ever perpetrated upon humanity, and while many disagree, I’m not afraid to say so. My motto: dress comfortably, wear what makes you happy, and screw what others think or say. Of course, regardless of what I think, people do measure each other by fashion. But I want Tori to know a few things when she makes her fashion choices:

1. Barbie is NOT a rational beauty standard,

2. All those photos in fashion magazines and on billboards are Photoshopped,

3. Every culture views physical beauty differently,

4. Your peers are just as frightened and confused as you are, and

5. You may not always be proud of everything you’ve done, but never be ashamed of who you are.

As for internal beauty, she doesn’t need any help from me. She is a warrior princess with enough self-confidence to scare a bear. She knows she is beautiful, and I hope that she can carry that feeling with her forever.

Without a doubt, my daughter’s best guide to a future of self-acceptance and self-confidence is her mother. In her, Tori has a living example of what it means to be active and confident at any size—to be equally at home hiking a mountain, canoeing a river, or biking along a beach-side trail. She is learning that being a bigger woman does not mean being passive or unhealthy. She is learning that what matters in your life is what you do, not how others see you. Of course, I am a realist and I know there will be times of insecurity and self-doubt. Everyone experiences them. But as my dad used to say, “It’s not the cards you’re dealt, it’s how you play them.”

I hope through all of this that Tori will grow to see life in terms of choices rather than limitations, and that neither her gender nor her body size should be a barrier to her desires, whether in personal style, career, recreation, or choice of friends or partners.

Still image from the Lane Bryant commercial-turned-Internet-sensation

I guess size does matter. No, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the new Lane Bryant TV ad that has stirred so much controversy. Seems that women parading around in their underwear is fine with television networks, so long as those women have slim-hipped, prepubescent bodies. But when you throw a few voluptuous curves into the mix, the TV execs start to panic. According to Lane Bryant, both Fox and ABC initially refused to run the ad. And though they later relented, the whole issue raises questions about both the interplay between media and advertising and the narrow definition of beauty in America.

Since this column is called, “It’s a Guy Thing,” let me say first that the model Lane Bryant uses in the ad is HOT. Even my wife thinks she’s hot. Now that we’ve established that, let’s move on to the whole beauty standard issue. I assume we’ve all seen our share of Victoria’s Secret ads, which are equally racy – if not moreso – than the content of the Lane Bryant commercial. Yet I’ve never heard of a network exec balking at the idea of running one the Victoria’s Secret ads.

The Lane Bryant commercial, on the other hand, presents a woman–a voluptuous woman, a la Rita Hayworth. I have to wonder: would today’s networks run an ad featuring Rita? How about Marilyn Monroe? Raquel Welch? When the American beauty standard transitioned from Welch to Twiggy, I can remember my dad’s disappointment. In response, he developed a crush on Lynda Carter. Hell, I had a crush on Lynda Carter. And by today’s standards, even Ms. Carter, in her 1970s Wonder Woman glory would be considered “plus sized.” Now that, to me, is the definition of insanity.

I’ve got to wonder what kind of nation celebrates violence during prime time viewing but wags a shaming finger at a generously curved woman embarking on a lunch date in her underwear and raincoat. If anyone can explain that to me, I welcome the attempt.

For a small but incisive reminder of how little has changed in the last 25 years, we need look no further than the 1980s sitcom Designing Women, whose star Dixie Carter recently passed away. I can remember co-star Delta Burke’s admonishment: “I’m not fat, I’m voluptuous” in the context of one of the show’s episodes. Despite the uproar of applause that followed, it remains a message some network execs have yet to process.

It’s been swirling around the blogosphere since last week, but in case you haven’t heard, reports emerged stating that two television networks, Fox and ABC, refused to air Lane Bryant’s new ad for Cacique lingerie. However, both networks run similarly racy Victoria’s Secret ads during prime time viewing hours, leading to speculation over whether the model’s size 16 bod was the reason behind the rejection. While the PR battle between Lane Bryant and the networks continues, let’s focus on a different issue: how awesome this ad is. Click below to view.

Sure, the model featured in the ad, Ashley Graham, is a size 16 – really on the cusp of plus size nowadays. But considering what usually passes for the female standard on television, this might be the beginning of a shift in both media perceptions and portrayals. Setting aside whether ads of this nature objectify women, and whether this is right or wrong, showing women with curves and some meat on their bones moving about with confidence, sass, and energy promotes just the sort of self image we value here at FGG.

Since the controversy first broke, both networks have agreed to air the ad during later portions of popular prime time programming. And Lane Bryant’s initial loss is now our gain, as the company is offering customers who visit www.lanebryant.com/sexy 40% off Cacique lingerie. And we’re excited that people are talking about what defines sexy, and whether it’s related to size at all. We’d be happy with a looser association.

Readers, tell us: What do you think of these ads, especially compared to Victoria’s Secret commercials? Are either or both too much of a good thing, or do they each strike the perfect note?

Between the Seats by SC Fiasco

When Southwest Airlines booted writer/actor/filmmaker Kevin Smith from his buckled-in seat aboard an Oakland-to-Burbank flight on Saturday, Feb. 13, the question of passenger size vs. seat size was catapulted into headlines. Again. Some readers may remember that Southwest drew a lot of (positive and negative) attention in 2008 with the announcement that it would begin actively enforcing its longstanding “customers of size” guidelines on flights. Simply put, the policy states that anyone who cannot comfortably lower both armrests, or who encroaches on another passenger’s space while seated, may be asked to purchase a second seat and/or wait for a later flight with more space. United Airlines instituted a similar policy last year, and many other airlines (AirTran is one notable exception) maintain some rule regarding passenger size and seating encroachment.

With so much recent press on the topic, it’s no wonder many of us are more nervous than ever about flying. And yet, a girl has places to go, right? While the troubling lack of consistency with which the rules seem to be applied means that any one of us could find ourselves in Smith’s shoes with zero warning, we think the best defense is a good offense.

Be informed. Do your homework before booking a flight and select the airline with the pricing/policy/accommodations combo that makes you most comfortable. Locating each airline’s approach to larger passengers can be a bit tricky (search for links to “special assistance,” “travel policies,” or “services and information”) but most web sites have them listed somewhere. Sites like Seat Guru will tell you how many inches of seat width and leg room to expect on the many types of planes each airline employs. Southwest’s seats are a uniform 17” wide, while many seats on AirTran, JetBlue, and Midwest measure 18”. That one extra inch may not seem like much, but for those of us with wide hips (*raises hand*), it might mean a more comfortable flight.

Once you’ve selected an airline, know your rights as a paying customer. Familiarize yourself with the specific travel policies and have a plan for the day of travel, including how you’ll handle the situation if your size should come into question.

Be proactive. To better the odds of adjacent empty seats, book flights during off-peak travel times whenever possible (Monday afternoon through Thursday morning, or early morning/late night).  When selecting a seat, opt for a window or aisle to minimize the number of shared armrests. For whatever reason, the size debate seems to keep coming back to armrests, the distance between them, and their ability to be lowered completely and “comfortably.” So let’s work with that: board your plane as early as possible, buckle up and lower the darn armrests for the world to see. You can always ask your seatmate to raise the shared one(s) later if it makes more sense.

If you know you need a seat belt extender, ask the flight attendant when you first board the plane. S/he will usually have several in the cabinet up front or will ask for your seat assignment and bring one to you. If you don’t realize until you’re seated that an extension is in order (don’t panic — belt lengths differ from plane to plane and sometimes from seat to seat), just press the call button or ask an attendant as they pass to do a luggage check. In my experience, every flight attendant has handled the belt situation discreetly. The important thing is to be confident and assertive, approaching the request for a belt extender the same way you would if you were asking for a pillow, blanket or extra napkin. There’s no shame or worry needed here; you’re just meeting a basic need.

Be honest. If you truly know in advance that your body’s dimensions and comfort requirements are going to significantly exceed the boundaries of a 17″ or 18″ seat, do yourself a favor and buy the second seat — preferably by calling customer service and being up front about your needs. Be clear about why you’ll require two seats together and ask how that reservation will be guaranteed and handled on your date of travel. Some airlines (including Southwest) will refund the cost of the second seat if the plane does not fill, while others (like United) will waive the standard call center fee. It’s not a perfect solution, but it will ensure your comfort and safety during the flight and it minimizes the potential for unpleasant surprises once aboard the airplane.

What say you, readers? We’d love to hear your opinions, recent airline experiences or flying tips in comments. And watch for a full-length Fat Girl’s Guide to Traveling in Comfort in the coming weeks.

A guest post by Kira Nerusskaya

Hello, fellow fat girls!

My name is Kira Nerusskaya, and I am a fat girl with a dream. A dream so simple, that it seems completely reckless and ridiculous: I would like people of all sizes to be treated with the same respect as everyone else. We seem to feel our “non-fat” counterparts achieve respect simply by breathing, even though we’re sharing the same air!

The most honest, humblest words are usually—the truth. Like Dr. Martin King, I think people should be judged by the content of their character not by the color of their skin. But, I have often said that I would like to further extend his definition to add “nor their size.”

People may call my simple dream reckless because everyone seems to think that you not only cannot be fat, but you shouldn’t be. And if you are, well, tough—deal with it—as if fatness equals and demands deservedly poor treatment.

Yet up until now, that’s exactly what we have been doing. But we are a little tired—tired of cruel fat jokes, glares, stares, and uncalled-for shouts on the streets, denial of possible romantic partners and proper health care, unequal professional treatment and/or discrimination in the workplace. Programmed weight stigma is alive and well in our society, we face it daily, and it’s come to be regarded as the norm. Yet somehow I am always surprised. I remember reading about curvy girls in the UK. One person commented that she didn’t understand how these plus-sized women could be pretty since they “must sit around on the couch eating Bon-Bons all day.” I remember thinking, “Are you for real?” I hardly think I am the exception: I have been fat all of my life, and have never eaten a Bon-Bon, and haven’t owned a couch in 10 years.

Fat stigma and negative stereotypes continue-even when our culture says they’re trying to embrace it.

Clearly, we still need a voice, and better yet, a voice attached to women on film, happy women who are happy in their bodies, out living and loving life, and themselves. What an important thing for the world – not just Americans – to witness.

I was introduced to the BBW (Big, Beautiful Women) community years ago by a male stranger on a railroad platform at New York City’s Grand Central terminal. He approached me, asking if we had met at Goddesses –  New York’s premier dance party for BBW singles and the men who admire them. I checked it out, and immediately knew that I was among friends. I had finally found my people.

I’ve always thought that we as a group should be documented, but from the inside, and thought that film would be the most powerful venue way capture the fat acceptance movement. I had been kicking around the idea for years, and now I just wanted to get on the street with a camera. As I sat alone on the bus thinking people must think, as Kim Brittingham has said, that “fat must be contagious,” I knew it was time to roll up my sleeves and get started.

So, despite a very demanding full-time job, I went down the block, had a t-shirt made, took a ten-minute “this is how you use the camera” lesson, took a picture with my deli guy, then pointed my radar and my camera toward the 2006 BBW Vegas Bash in 2006—and I haven’t looked back.

I didn’t stop with the U.S. Fat shame knows no boundaries—not gender, age, color, creed, economic status, profession, level of education, or nationality. So I turned to what I knew best, Russian literature, and thought about a book that was dear to me: Voices from the Chorus by Andrei Sinyavski. A collection of thoughts, overheard conversations and letters Sinyavski had written and received while imprisoned in the Russian Gulag, this book was the inspiration for my framework on how I would present the conversations in my film. I wanted to collect voices from the fat chorus, the voices of and about women living and working and playing every day.  Here’s what I found:

In England we had some good laughs, despite that there are many differences of opinion, and there’s definitely a need to bring better plus-size sources and clothing to the country.

France was familiar, I lived there in the early 1990s, and why I never had a problem with language, culture or how I was received by the French, I was heartbroken to watch the way they would be cruel to a fat person buying vegetables in the market. Because we don’t eat vegetables, right? Just Bon-Bons. And on the couch.

In Russia, it was like being home. Actually, it’s my second home. I loved meeting women from both Moscow and St. Petersburg. Talking about culture, we laughed together when I told them that I related more to the Russian Matriyoshka doll (the Russian nesting doll) than Barbie, even if she became a feisty brunette. And impromptu discovery on the way to the bus was one of my favorites: I met two other fat women. We smiled at each other as we sized each other up. They liked my clothes, I liked their honesty. We became friends, and, it turns out, they were plus-size clothing retailers with a booming business!

As I visited these countries, it was clear that their size acceptance movements were in a different place than ours, but still growing, and very grass roots—like any socio-political movement. They’re on their way, and seem happy to move in a positive direction, toward loving their bodies and themselves—and helping others to do the same. In all cases, the it was the warm sense of support we all received from each other, as we do here, that stuck with me most. Twelve thousand dollars and many hundreds of hours later, and I am left awed, grateful and honored for the many people who have shared their thoughts, hearts, and lives with me during the production of my documentary, Fat Girls Float.

Worldwide, plus-sized men and women are fighting for a very basic need: to be accepted. Our story needs to be told, and I thought who better to tell it than one of our own? Someone who knows what it means and how it feels, physically and psychologically, to walk down the street carrying 300 pounds. and so I have produced this documentary virtually by myself, from holding the camera, losing audio, making connections and tracking down people to talk with, promoting, asking, setting up travel, blogging, logging, cataloging and everything else under the sun necessary to tell this important story. It was worth it.

But I’m not finished, yet. I want Fat Girls Float to have an international audience, and I could use your help. Please check out and then pass along the film trailer to everyone you know, and if you’d like to help push this project over the top, consider a donation through Kickstarter.com, an organization dedicated to helping spread important messages through art.

‘In a culture where fat can weigh you down, the only thing that keeps you from sinking is the size of your heart.”

—KIRA

A guest post by actress Jenny Gattone

Think of me as a war correspondent- frankly, it’s a jungle out here. I speak of course, of the City of Angels. And I’m right in the thick of the battle – a chubby girl trying to make it as an actor in Hollywood.

I like to joke that when I’m on set I feel like a bull in a china shop. Film actresses are incredibly tiny, so I’m only half-kidding. I lived and worked in New York for about five years before doing a pilot, acquiring a manager, and moving across the country to work with said manager. I was terrified, wondering what would happen to me in the much more cookie-cutter world of Hollywood. What’s interesting, though, is that I actually work more in LA than I ever did in New York. A LOT more. I’m happy to tell you that despite how things look on television, Los Angeles is not a sea of blond highlights and fake boobs.

Well, maybe a little. There is a more uniform sense of what is beautiful here. I’ll be honest: show business, no matter where you are, is rough on a chubby girl. There are going to be directors that flat out will not cast a fat girl no matter how fierce you are. You may be compared to appliances (in my case, a refrigerator), and the blunt and objective way people will deal with your looks can be soul-sucking. But that’s true for every actor. On the bright side, I can look at an audition breakdown and peg the chubby girl part. (Hint: if they don’t flat out say fat, they usually mention the character’s love of food. Seriously.)

But as rough as it is on a chubby girl, it’s actually tougher on the non-chubby girls. You couldn’t pay me enough to be an ingénue in this town. No way, not with what I see some of my friends go through. A chubby girl is an as-is purchase. What you see is what you get. What are they going to do, say “How fast can you lose 75 pounds?” Yeah, sure, give me a year. And it’s a loooooooong day on a set. The skinny girls look so sad when lunch is served and they turn it down. Shoot, heck yeah I want a sandwich, I’ve been here nine hours!

One thing I’ve learned through LA’s skewed sense of beauty is that thin girls don’t really have a leg up in the self-image department. I haven’t seriously entertained the idea that being thin would solve all my problems since I was a teenager, but I was still astounded to discover that I seem to be more comfortable in my own skin than many of my thinner peers. It makes me sad to see so many of them try to come to terms with the ways in which they don’t resemble a swizzle stick and accept those things as “flaws.” It’s frustrating the way women are expected to live up to those unhealthy standards of thinness. I would love to see a full-scale revolution of women in this business. I would love to see us all, regardless of shape or size, stand up and say, “Fuck this!”

Unfortunately, there will always be women who will happily maintain a double-digit weight to work in film.

Right now you must be thinking, so how are things not as bad in LA as they look? My friends, it’s all attitude. You have to rise above the mind games. You have to grow a thick skin and see how beautiful you are no matter what they throw at you. Because truth is, most on-screen women aren’t any more beautiful than you and I; it’s amazing what a well-paid beauty professional in this town can do for any actress.

So girls, no matter what society tells you – directly or indirectly – about what is and isn’t beautiful and how appropriate it is to recognize and appreciate yours, screw them – feel it, recognize and appreciate it anyway. I try to, and I’m getting better and better at it as I go. Besides, I’m doing all right here. I’ve done a couple pilots, gone in for some cool films, I belong to a fantastic theatre company in Hollywood that I absolutely love, and I’m in my second show this year.

I also collaborated on a screenplay that’s now in pre-production. The heroine? A chubby girl. Because there’s no shortage of us off-camera, and one of my career goals is to get more of us in front of it.

Jenny Gattone

Whatever opinions any of us hold of Michael Jackson, he battled image in the media for most of his adult life, and his death today is a reminder of the brevity and unpredictability of our own lives.

Let’s all get up and boogie for six and a half minutes, shall we?