The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

Self-appreciation comes when we reframe our “imperfections”

One of my favorite movie moments comes from the film Shirley Valentine, the story of an under-appreciated mom who ditches her husband and teenagers to pursue her decades-long dream of traveling to Greece. She meets a handsome local who seduces her on his sailboat, kissing her body and admiring her stretch marks as beautiful badges of honor. I let out a cheer when I heard him utter those words, until the lead character, Shirley Valentine (played marvelously by Pauline Collins) looks at the camera and deadpans, “Aren’t men full of shit?”

Great line, right? I laughed. But as much as I adore the Shirley Valentine character, I have to side with the boyfriend here. Sure, stretch marks aren’t glamorous, and I’d rather not wave mine around at the pool, but I’d guess that for many of us they’re the norm, whether through childbearing or weight gain (or both).

A few years ago, I was out walking with my family after dinner when I noticed a young woman walking with a toddler. She had the same soft midsection that’s so common for those of us for whom hitting the gym wasn’t a big priority after giving birth. For the first time in my life, I found that soft belly look adorable. Endearing. It said something, and meant something: I grew a person with my body, and it changed me.

What delightfully imperfect part of your body do you love most, and why? Tell us in comments!

I am . . . tired by thewaltonsare

As a writer with a strong visual side, I’m often drawn to images paired with words, provided they don’t unintentionally veer into SNL parody territory. This week’s photo, plucked from the talented pool of our FGG Girls Flickr Group, hit the mark perfectly: it’s lovely, compelling, and I think we can all relate to the feelings expressed here, including the part about being tired! (For some quick pick-me-ups, check out our Guide to Unleashing Your Inner Superhero).

I strongly believe that the labels we bestow upon ourselves are powerful – whether they’re pragmatic, positive, or negative. Self-talk runs deep, girls: If we tell ourselves we’re unlovable or unworthy or unsuccessful or unlikely to–whatever, really–we’ll probably prove ourselves right. Conversely, if we tell ourselves we’re adorable and lovable and deserving of happiness, I guarantee you we’ll be more likely to find those qualities reflecting back to us. No, whispering nice things to ourselves is not a magic cure-all, and yes, elbow grease is necessary to bring our affirmations to life. But if our labels are bringing us down or no longer serving us, perhaps it’s time to write some new ones and try viewing ourselves in new ways.

How about you, girls? What words would you post beside your own self portrait? Are they descriptive of your roles in life, or do they capture your physical or emotional traits instead? Are there any new ones you could add or old ones that no longer fit (kind of like that skort you just found in your summer clothes bin)? Share your thoughts on self-talk and labels in comments. And if you decide to make your own self-portrait (our Guide to Sexy Self-Portraits contains tips for great selfies of any type) accompanied by words, be sure to share it in our FGG Girls Flickr group!

Spring color pop courtesy of molmanik

Black, chocolate and charcoal may be flattering and slimming wardrobe staples, but after a few months of winter, a girl’s wardrobe could use a little something-something. Brighter. Cheerier. Bolder. So when those first sunny days arrive, I start jonesing for color – which makes this week’s adorable and inspiring Photo of the Week an obvious choice.

Last week, we challenged you to spring clean your closets. I did, and it was alarming how many ill-fitting, “safe bet” garments I’d been holding on to for months or years. The up side: now there’s room to shop for some vibrant, fun pieces that highlight my curves! What about you? Did you ditch any of your “Someday Syndrome” clothes and make room for new styles and shades?

Girls, spring means it’s time to shop for COLOR. And whether you’re craving pastels, jewel tones, neon or all of the above, share your latest fab finds in the comments – the brighter, the better.

Love Thyself by JamieBates

I love visiting our FGG Girls Flickr Group. There’s so much color, honesty, life, and courage among the images displayed there, and endless great ideas for self portraiture. We have several girls (myself included) who are doing a year of self portraits, a great way to get to know your physical self over the course of a year. Why not give it a shot yourself?

I tend to post images for “Photo of the Week” that I keep returning to for one reason or another, and this was one of those photos. Not only is it bold and beautiful, but it makes a statement about self-love. Most of us arrive loving ourselves just fine, and somehow as the years pass, the outside world sends us different or conflicting messages until one day, some of us end up forgetting how awesome we really are. Also, women are often socialized to be compassionate caregivers, which sometimes pushes self-love to the very bottom of our daily “to do” lists. Obviously, not all of us struggle with self-love; I know a handful of women who light up any room they enter. They’re all different shapes, sizes, and ages, but their common trait? Self-love.

More, please.

What about you, readers? Do you struggle to love yourself, physically and emotionally, or are you pretty happy with the way you are?

Image by thewaltonsare

In my part of the world, winter is begrudgingly giving way to spring, and I know some of you readers on the other side of the globe are about to ease into autumn. Whether your days are getting shorter and colder or longer but cloudy and rainy, this is a great time of year to don some comfy clothes, grab a hot beverage, and dive into a captivating read.

Since my mom brought home my first Nancy Drew novel, I’ve been a fan of mysteries and just recently devoured Laura Caldwell’s Red Hot Lies, a zippy and entertaining, but meaty enough to feel plausible novel set in my favorite city, Chicago. The absolute very best book I’ve read in years was Tana French’s In the Woods, also a crime novel but it’s a true genre buster set in Dublin and written in a deliciously lovely voice. I recommend it to anyone who loves great storytelling, regardless of genre. I also enjoy travelogues, especially funny ones like Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods. Tide, Feather, Snow by Miranda Weiss was a lovely book about life in Alaska, and I got a kick out of Street Without A Name by Kapka Kassabova, the author’s tales of growing up in Communist Bulgaria, which was as fascinating and witty as it was poignant and sad.

What about you, girls? Have you read anything you simply couldn’t put down recently? We’re always looking for great titles related to body image and self love, but whatever you’d like to share from your recent reads, post them in the comments.

Are Wii Having Fun Yet? by Peony

A few weeks back, Tee did a great job of breaking down some of the fat-friendly online dating sites, and you girls chimed in with your experiences. I’d like to continue that conversation with some tips on building an online dating profile that will get you noticed. As with resumes, it can be frustrating trying to sum up everything that’s great about us in a single, flimsy document. Let’s face it, girls: tooting our own horns is hard, and we all struggle at least a little when it’s time to talk about ourselves and pick photos that capture our fully adorable selves – all in the hope of finding true love.

As for writing about yourself, each dating site has different sections with prompts. I’m not here to tell you exactly what to put in those little white boxes, but I can give you some help beyond the classic (and excellent) advice to “be yourself.” To help boost your confidence, enlist the help of a trusted friend who will be honest and share your positive qualities. Avoid complaining about your past heartbreaks with cheaters and other jerks; so many women sound off about this, and it only drowns out their good qualities. It’s kind of a given that most of us have had our hearts stomped on, so focus on sounding hopeful and enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting someone. Start by mentioning things you enjoy doing–not only does this give someone things to talk about with you, but it can offer prospects some great date ideas.

Finally, under no circumstances should you say that you don’t know what to put here or that talking about yourself is hard. Everyone else on the site managed to do it, and you can, too. Just be positive and don’t put too much pressure on yourself–you can always edit and refine your profile later. (Don’t forget to check your profile every few months to make sure it’s still accurate).

Next you’ll need a portrait, and this is one thing I can tell you all about. I’ve worked as a semi-professional photographer and still pursue it as one of my favorite hobbies. I did a year-long self-portraiture project AND I’ve worked with curvaceous brides, so I know a thing or two about looking good in pictures when you don’t have a model’s body. OkCupid released an interesting study they did on how user pics affected interest in their dating profiles. Check it out here. You absolutely must have recent pictures. I have been on a date (twice) where the guy used old pictures and had become significantly less attractive in the meantime. Relying on old photos of a thinner you starts things off disingenuously, and it’s very tough to recover from that and move on into a relationship.

Find a friend to help you take good pictures. Make a day of it — change outfits a few times or go to the park. Wear something you feel pretty in, wear the amount of makeup you would for a normal workday, and have fun with it. Just relax and let yourself get used to your personal paparazzi. The great thing about digital photography is that you can easily take two hundred pictures to get three or four good ones. Natural light is best, but you can stay inside if it’s gross outdoors; look for soft, flattering light from a window. Also, if you photograph yourself at home or at a friend’s place, make sure whatever is showing behind you is tidy! Your sink full of dishes or overflowing dirty laundry basket shouldn’t be someone’s first impression of you.

You’ll look best if the pics are taken from slightly above you to minimize a double chin. Stand up straight and tall, shoulders back, chin up. You’ll get the best pictures if your photographer gets in close (3-4 ft for the average point and shoot camera) to fill the frame with you. Turning 3/4 rather than straight on gives a flattering silhouette that’s pleasing to the eye. You should have a couple of good face shots and something that gives an idea of what your body is like. If you don’t have a friend to take pictures, set the camera on something sturdy, use the self timer, and be patient – remember, you can easily delete any non-keepers as you practice.

A word about photo editing: don’t Photoshop things too much. Covering up a blemish is okay, but heavy editing is best left to the pros. If you have the software and tools, fixing technical things (exposure, contrast, etc.) is a good idea. Flickr offers the Picnik photo editing service, which has basic free features and additional tools available for a low price.

These tips should get your online dating adventure off to a good start. Feel free to ask questions in the comments, and I’ll see if I can’t answer them or point you to a good resource!