The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Every woman deserves to see herself as beautiful and sexy (image by JamieBates)

All women experience self-doubt. Actually, scratch that. All women — with the possible exception of the Jersey Shore cast — experience self-doubt. Not even the most seemingly together girl is immune. Despite appearing to have the perfect job, the perfect skin, the perfect curves, the perfect manicure perfect relationship. . . even she looks in the mirror and fixates on some body part she wishes were larger, smaller, tighter, smoother, or just plain different.

It’s a strange quirk of the female psyche, this tendency to put ourselves down — fat girls even moreso. Feeling insecure about our weight can hold us back from applying for a job we really want, pursuing a meaningful relationship, or trying a new activity or hobby we’ve been curious about. Negative feelings about our bodies can also affect our experiences with sex and intimacy, causing us to prefer “lights off, shirt on” sex or not allowing us to fully enjoy or respond to a partner’s affection.

While it’s unlikely a single blog post can resolve years of self doubt, if we can give you one or two real-world suggestions — or even some food for thought — that helps facilitate a positive change in your self-perception, then we’ll call it a successful day at FGG.

Stop deferring compliments

Let’s play a little game: Imagine you’re filling your water bottle in the office kitchen on Friday morning when a co-worker exclaims, “Your hair looks amazing today!” Or one of the other moms at the playground tells you how much she loves your shoes, or that your new shirt is fabulous. What about when your husband or date tells you that you’re sexy? What goes through your mind in those moments, and how do you respond?

Too many times, we brush off compliments because they make us feel awkward or unworthy. Or, worse still, we respond by putting ourselves down: “Oh, no! My hair is a disaster today with this humidity!” “Really? I think this shirt makes my arms look huge. But your shirt is adorable.” “Whatever. I’m sweaty and gross from carrying the groceries inside; there’s no way that’s sexy.”

Why can’t we stop pushing back and simply allow ourselves be appreciated? Hearing something positive about ourselves — especially about our appearance — doesn’t have to be transactional. We don’t have to automatically counter with something we don’t like, or to look for a way to even the playing field by complimenting the other person.

The next time someone praises your appearance, your body, your sense of humor, or any of your unique characteristics, there are three really simple things you need to do: Smile genuinely, say “thank you,” and believe the person who said it.

That’s it. The more accustomed you are to accepting compliments graciously, the better your chances for well-developed self esteem. You might even try writing down these positive observations about yourself, or repeating them back to yourself in the mirror or during moments of self doubt. Telling yourself “you’re attractive and desirable” might feel awkward at first — you might even laugh. But it’s been shown that self-talk is a powerful brain-changer, and you also might start to believe it.

Always play up your strengths

With your ears and mind open to receiving positive feedback, it should be just a short hop to identifying your strongest attributes — physical or otherwise. Even if it’s hard for us to express or show outwardly, each of us can identify something about ourselves that we like when we look in the mirror. Perhaps you have gorgeous eyes, or ultra-thick, shiny hair. Or maybe it’s your killer legs or a smile that lights up your whole face. My best friend is fond of joking that the headline of her fictitious online personal ad would read: “Possesses super-soft skin. . . and an 8-bit Nintendo.” And it’s certainly no coincidence that I prefer lower-cut, V-neck tops to turtlenecks.

Whatever your favorite parts, help them look their best with the right care and grooming, or the accessories to make them stand out. Give your pretty feet some pampering and a colorful summer pedicure. If you’ve got an hourglass figure, buy a dress that defines your lovely waist. Take care of your beautiful teeth with good oral hygiene and regular visits to the dentist. Or experiment with different makeup techniques that make your green eyes sparkle or your brown eyes smolder.

Although neither confidence nor a person’s worth can be measured in body parts or physical traits, there’s something to be said for starting small and building up from there. Stepping out into the world feeling positive about even a few things about your appearance can be a seed for change in other parts of your life, too. In the same way crossing a couple of easy items off a to-do list can build momentum, knowing that you have a knock-em-dead [insert your fave trait here] can help make it easier to feel love — or even just acceptance — for the areas of your body that don’t make you as happy.

More than the sum of your parts

Beyond the bounce of a great hairstyle or the allure of impressive cleavage, there’s a whole body waiting to be understood and appreciated. Despite — or perhaps because of — the familiarity that comes with living in our own skin every day, many of us don’t often consider all the positive things our bodies do on a daily basis. What’s worse, we often try to hide, cover or ignore whole areas of our bodies because of the extra weight we carry.

But think about it: Extra weight or not, your body is both an amazing machine and a refuge. The same legs that feel “too big” manage to carry you through every day, up the stairs and down the street — even through exotic places and new experiences. For the moms out there, the stretch marks that become all you can see when you view your tummy are the evidence of loved and cherished children your beautiful body carried, nourished and birthed. And the arms you might feel ashamed to bare because of the way they flap or roll are the same arms your friends or family run to when they’re hurting, or scared, or need to be reassured. Wearing a size 8 or 28 is irrelevant in these situations, so why should size be so prevalent in how much we appreciate our bodies?

Tune in to your body

Of course, body confidence isn’t as simple as flipping a switch or we’d have done it already and I’d be talking to myself here. For some of us the process takes our whole lives and involves professional reinforcement. But activities that connect you to your body can also help foster the process. At FGG, we’ve talked about how everything from stretching to yoga to the great orgasms can enhance the mind/body relationship while also improving health and energy. Some women also find confidence through specific activities in which they feel they excel — or through which they just feel a comforting “I’m just like everyone else here” normalcy.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that the water is my happy place. And though I began taking aqua classes to improve my fitness, I’ve noticed other changes in the three months since I began attending regularly. I stand straighter now. I’m more conscious of the way my muscles work together. And, on very rare occasions, I actually feel the same fluidity in my body outside of the pool as I do in the water.

If you’re still searching for your physical happy place, try another FGG favorite activity to help access your body’s more subtle graces: The self-portrait project. Focusing regularly on locating new body angles to photograph can be a powerful tool in making peace with (and finding love for) your body. Seeing yourself from new perspectives may even help you begin to see what someone might mean when s/he says “You’re so pretty,” or even “You’re so sexy.”

Listen to your friends and family

This is possibly the strongest argument of all for self worth, and yet one that is grossly underestimated or ignored. No matter what our age or current position in life — married, dating, single, parenting or not, on top of the world or in a state of reinvention — each of us has some type of support network. Sometimes it’s a nuclear family; other times it’s an assortment of friends who fill the same role. The point is, we have people around us who see us for who we are and who love us.

I’ve often considered the double standard many of us are tempted to buy into: The notion that our plus-size friends or family members are awesome, beautiful, diverse, lovable people who enrich our lives — without stopping for a moment to consider that they likely feel the very same way about us. How is it possible to be so quick to see the beauty in others, yet so reluctant to admit it in ourselves?

The next time a friend shares that she loves how you look in a particular photo, try to stop yourself from immediately thinking she’s crazy because you had your eyes closed, or because it’s not taken from the most flattering possible angle. Instead of looking for double chins, try to see what she sees in the picture. Is it the joy spreading across your face as you break into laughter? Is it the glow of feeling loved by those around you? Is it the curl of your grin that indicates you just told a hilarious story? Or maybe it’s the pride you’re exuding upon accepting your college degree or while watching your child take his first steps.

Ultimately, beauty is more than perfectly straight teeth or cellulite-free skin. It’s the intangible light that glints from women of every size and shape, every single day. Sometimes it catches in ponytailed hair as she does the dishes, and sometimes it’s reflected in smoky, bedroom eyes. Where will someone see it today in you? And will you be brave enough to recognize and embrace it?

We want to hear your stories of self confidence and beauty. At what point in your life have you felt the most irresistible, and how did body image play into that experience? How do you tap into your reserve of confidence and desirability? Do the other plus-size women in your life realize their own beauty?

Finding your summer clothing comfort zone takes practice Image by hartman045

Nobody should have to make a first impression while wearing a swimsuit. This isn’t just a fat girl problem – it’s intimidating for every single person. The unstoppable weekend machine of warm weather activities is running on all cylinders right now. To complicate things, these barbecues, trips to the lake, and afternoons at the pool are frequently an open invitation to friends of friends. They’re a great way to introduce new people into your group or get to know someone better, and you’re likely to notice that some of these new-to-you friends are single. If you’re as lucky as I am, they seem to crop up, unannounced, on that one weekend where you’ve finally worked up the courage to shed your sarong.

While I love and look forward to most of these activities, they all carry with them a kernel of anxiety that just won’t go away. Why? Because they mean choosing between wearing what I know looks good on me but leaves me totally overheated, uncomfortable and stuck on the sidelines and joining the fun while wearing skin-baring things like bathing suits and shorts that expose some of my least favorite parts of me. In reality, those single new people either think you look hot (check out those curves!) or they don’t care about what you look like, so we might as well (un)dress for the weather.

If I could tell you how to have unshakable confidence and feel secure in your beauty while running around mostly naked in public, I would. I’d also be fantastically wealthy. We worry about being too big. Other girls worry about not having curves. Guys worry about their man-boobs or hairy backs. It’s a universal problem whose cure is mental, not at the gym or the surgeon’s table. We have to realize that everyone sees us, all the time, and they already know what our bodies are like. You know what? That’s okay. Get a swimsuit that flatters your good points, a pair of board shorts or sarong, and get out there! Find a compromise between comfort and being covered up that you can feel good about, because life is too short to put off having fun and enjoying the world around us.

I thought I had these unfounded fears beaten after spending every weekend last summer at the lake, until the guy I’m dating said I should get a bikini because, “Babe, you’d be so hot in one.” I tried to tell him that they don’t come in my size. He sent me a picture of someone much bigger than me in a white bikini. I told him I’d think about it but didn’t want to go out in public in one. He said he wants to go to a water park for his birthday. I told him to get his head examined. And then the idea of having one – my first bikini ever – wouldn’t leave me alone. That’s how I found myself in line at Walmart late last night, a green string bikini – in my size – in hand. I couldn’t try it on since the dressing rooms were closed, but at $15, I didn’t really have an excuse not to try one. He loves it. I refuse to wear the bottoms where anyone other than him will see me. We’re compromising: I’m going to be brave by wearing my modest tankini bottom with the bikini top at the apartment pool, but I’m wearing whatever I want to the water park because my comfort is more important to him than his eye candy. I still can’t reconcile myself to the idea of me in a bikini as a desirable thing, but hey, that’s part of why I’m dating him, and I appreciate that he’s helping me see myself through new, appreciative eyes.

The message that women should be more covered up the bigger and older their bodies get is a strong one in American culture. We are highly critical of ourselves, even when there’s nothing to criticize, and I’m tired of that holding me back from having fun. The beaches I’ve been to in other countries have women of all ages and sizes running around topless and unashamed. I try to think of them because it helps me remember that my body is something to be enjoyed and appreciated — at every phase of life. If grandmas can walk around wearing only bikini bottoms in Spain and Italy, surely I can relax around strangers at the water park in my tankini. When you go meet people for a backyard pool party this summer, I encourage you to chat up at least one person you haven’t met before. Hold your head high and project the confidence you feel when you’re wearing your favorite outfit. I think you’ll find yourself feeling graceful and bold, no matter what you’re wearing when you make a first impression. If you don’t feel that way, at you can feel lucky that you’re not sitting in a hot tub in your first bikini, praying that your boobs stay contained within those little green triangles.

Vive la difference!

Wouldn’t it be great if all of our dating-related anxiety evaporated once we met someone great? I think it should. After all the craziness often required to get to “great,” I don’t think anyone should be lying awake worrying about what other people think. But it’s hard not to worry at least a little when big differences loom between you like an elephant in the room — especially when those differences are physical. A potentially great pairing can wind up in peril if insecurity keeps you from enjoying each other, which can happen regardless of your size, age, or gender.

We all have an idea about how couples are “supposed” to look. They should probably be of a similar level of attractiveness, the archetypal big, strong man protecting the delicate, little (yet curvaceous) woman. That’s what pops into my mind, anyway. When you and your chosen one don’t fit into that mold, it can add another layer of anxiety to what’s already there.

What do you do when you’re dating someone who is really physically different from you or from that idea of what a couple should look like? Maybe they’re shorter or half your weight or absurdly fit and handsome or disabled or from a radically different cultural or ethnic background. No matter what the big difference is, it can be scary to confront. Unfortunately, you have to confront it in one way or another if you’re going to get comfortable with it. You must come to terms with the difference in your own mind, and you might even (gulp!) have to talk about it together.

Here’s the first thing you need to know: They wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place if they weren’t attracted to you — and I mean attracted physically. This is especially hard to believe if you feel like the guy is out of your league. I was with a guy for a while who was drop-dead gorgeous, had abs like Brad Pitt, was really nice, and was very successful. 99% of women would be seriously intimidated by him and be wondering why he had asked them out. I couldn’t help wondering why this guy who could have any girl wanted a fat girl like me. Turns out he was into my looks, my personality, my brain, and my big butt. It’s easy to forget that for many men, offering bigger versions of their favorite female body parts is a very nice perk. It’s even easier to forget that men are much less judgmental and far more appreciative of our bodies than we tend to be.

Here’s the second thing you need to know: They might feel physically inferior to you and fear that you won’t find them attractive. There’s a lot of pressure on men to be the big, strong Alpha male. But of course, just as most of us don’t resemble supermodels, many guys don’t fit that hunky he-man mold. I’ve dated men who were short and guys who were very thin and one who was so overweight and out of shape that he couldn’t walk a city block without getting winded and needing a break. While I was worried they would think my body was too big, they were even more worried that their bodies didn’t measure up to my standards. It’s easy to put those fears to rest if he asks whether or not it’s an issue. If it doesn’t come up, you can be stealthily reassuring and mention the things you like about his body.

Ultimately, you have to stop fretting over your differences and find the bonuses that they bring to your relationship. Do you get to enjoy the eye candy and enthusiastic attentions of someone with the body of an underwear model? Lucky, lucky girl. There are great things about kissing someone who’s about your height, and there are even greater things about how other parts of you line up. A big guy will make you feel especially feminine and delicate. Not only will you not break a skinny guy if you’re on top, but you might find that a whole new range of positions are available.

Having doubts and insecurities is inevitable–if it’s not looks, then it’s going to be something else. It’s human nature. The important thing is to not let those doubts or worries get in the way of enjoying each other. Just as we big girls should hold our heads high and feel comfortable in our own skin wherever we go, we should feel just as proud stepping out with our partners, because variety can be deliciously spicy.

Have you dated a guy (or girl) who was vastly different from you physically? How did you handle it (or not)? Share your experiences in the comments.

Holding Hands by Chinogypsie

You know your relationship needs help when you get cold shouldered by Dixie Carter’s death. Nothing against Ms. Carter, but when a two-inch celebrity obit is enough to kill your partner’s mood, it might be time to ask what’s going on. In our case, it’s one of those Mars-Venus things.

Ordinarily, my wife and I are an excellent team. Whether we’re camping in a state park, planning a holiday party, or co-parenting our fierce and willful four-year-old daughter, we’ve learned to anticipate each others’ needs, to communicate effectively, and to work with the skill and efficiency of a NASCAR pit crew within a schedule that’s often jam-packed with obligations. When one of us needs an afternoon off from parenting, the other picks up the slack. When one goes to the store, (s)he always considers what the other might need, without having to ask. In short, we know how to put the other person first. Which, to me, is the very definition of love. So, all would seem idyllic.

Well, not quite. As I’ve learned, all these things, while necessary and good, fall under the rubric of “support and partnership” but leave something to be desired when it comes to “cherishment.” Now cherishment is a word you may not have heard recently, probably because the last person to use it was likely Chaucer. But in essence, it encompasses all those little loving behaviors that one person displays to show physical affection: holding hands across the dinner table, playing idly with your partner’s hair, looking soulfully into your partner’s eyes, kissing deeply and passionately without the expectation of anything more.

As my wife explained it, “As a big woman, it’s easy for me to slip into thinking that ‘he won’t touch me unless he wants sex, so he must think I’m gross.’” Of course, being a bit of a beef-wit, I hadn’t thought of that. And I should have, because my wife’s been more than frank about her history before we got together. In those days, when her self-esteem was low, it was not unusual for her to be, shall we say, less than particular about her choice of partners—her logic being: “Well, he wants me. Good enough. I guess I’ll go home with him.”

Problem is, I’m just not a touchy-feely guy, and as such, I forget that those little caresses are so important to her. More importantly, I forget that their absence carries a negative subtext. So while I excel at support and partnership, I fail miserably at cherishment. Which is why something like Dixie Carter’s death can derail date night, even after seeing the movie “Date Night.” And while I’m not naïve enough to believe that remembering an extra quart of milk at the market is going to make my wife want to blow me (really, I’m not), I do believe all the times I put her needs before my own should count for something.

This is the part of the column where you might expect to find some pithy insight that solves the problem I’ve just described. Well, you can sit back in your chairs…no such luck. After another slogging late-night argument, my wife and I went to sleep, only narrowly averting a scenario where one of us bunks on the couch. We’ve discussed marriage counseling–I was in favor, she was against. We’ve each done a lot of work on ourselves, both in recovery from substance abuse and in individual psychotherapy. So I do understand her reluctance to embark on yet another soul-scouring enterprise.

So rather than tie this all together with some flip, clever, or pat answer that might get a laugh but solves nothing, I’ll put the question to you, dear readers: How do you practice “cherishment” in your relationship? And how do you encourage it in your partner?

PS – To Ms. Carter’s family, no disrespect intended. Dixie was kick-ass.

super gurrl by JamieBates

We’ve all been there: Saturday morning’s long, impatient to-do list competes with the more compelling siren song of a warm blanket and a good book. Or a jam-packed day at the office – complete with a two-hour lunch delay to solve the latest crisis – burns this morning’s stockpile of energy down to embers. Or on the one day you get to sleep in, the kids decide to wake an hour and a half early to place an order for Mickey Mouse pancakes. While everyone faces days that test their endurance, the extra weight (and sometimes the negative self-talk) that fat girls carry in addition to our everyday burdens can make it tough to find an energy boost when we need it. Next time life demands a Superwoman setting, try refueling your energy reserves with one of these techniques.

Move it or lose it

It doesn’t take a physicist to grasp that whole “a body at rest stays at rest” law of motion deal. The more we sit without doing something active, the more inclined we are to. . .  sit without doing something active. So get up, already (this is one of those times when I need to take my own advice). Push back from the cube desk every 30 minutes and walk a lap around the office, fill your water bottle, etc. Set an egg timer and clean like crazy for exactly 10 minutes. Do five of anything resembling a jumping jack. Walk for just five minutes, then assess if you want to continue moving. For many people, the simple act of getting the blood flowing and the heart beating a little faster is all it takes to shake off the afternoon drag.

What’s your cup o’ tea?

When faced with an early morning or tough afternoon, many of us automatically reach for the caffeine boost of coffee or soda. Next time, consider swapping that Diet Coke for a cup of tea, which can provide energizing benefits without dehydrating you or posing caffeine’s risk of addiction. Popular choices include rooibos tea (antioxidant-rich and said to help soothe headaches and muscle aches, as well as improving digestion) and teas made with spearmint (light, refreshing taste and benefits said to include improved digestion and a limiting of excess hair growth on women – bonus!). Check out TeaBenefits.com for ideas about the tea that best suits your health and mood.

DIY mantra

Stuart Smalley had “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” My best friend posts song lyrics or Bible verses on Facebook when she needs to pick herself up or focus. As ridiculous as it sounds, my own “daily affirmation” came from a fortune cookie I received last summer: “You are capable, competent, creative, careful. Prove it.” (I figured if a cookie takes the time to call you out in no uncertain terms, it’s probably wise to listen.)

Having a mantra doesn’t have to be boring, trite or sound like a corporate mission statement — it’s simply about identifying what drives you. What’s the motivating force behind your job, your activities, your relationships or your choices? Are you working toward a family? A home? Better health? An established industry name? If you can connect to the root idea of what makes a task important, you may be able to find the reserves to push through it with gusto.

Make like Gumby

Back in November, Tee published the (awesome) Fat Girl’s Guide to Stretching and we learned how easy — and energizing — it could be to incorporate basic stretches into our daily routine. All those expert tips and sage advice? Still true! the important thing to add is that regardless of your lifestyle, whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, a student, a high-profile corporate exec, or working two jobs to pay rent, simple stretches are a take-anywhere, try-anywhere cure for flagging energy in just a few minutes. You don’t need equipment and you don’t need total privacy (which is more than we can say for the next tip) or intensive training, because moves as simple as neck stretches and shoulder rolls provide big benefits and can be done right from your desk.

Gimme an ‘O!’

We’re no longer in the Victorian age, ladies, so I’m just going to say it: orgasms are good for us. Whether achieved solo or with a partner, the release of endorphins orgasms provide is similar to that of a runner’s high, and the benefits include everything from reduced stress levels to pain management to curbed appetites. Not bad for something that feels great, right?

It may seem counter-intuitive to recommend an activity that provides such deep relaxation (and frequently, sleepiness), but a clear mind and a 20-minute power nap will often do wonders for both attitude and productivity. Plus, not every burst of energy is physical; feeling empowered and energized can just as easily be a mental strategy. How much more confidence and enthusiasm do you project when you feel good about yourself and your body? And what better way to connect with your body’s innate awesomeness than through some, shall we say, quality time and a toe curler (or two)? I rest my case — and ask that you not try this in the office.

It’s essential

Aromatherapy evokes or enhances different moods through scent, either in the form of candles or essential oils. Small amounts of the concentrated oils can be sniffed from a vial or jar, applied to pressure points like the temples, feet, or wrists, or heated in a diffuser to fill a room with fragrance. To revitalize and energize, consider scents like tea tree, mint, basil, lime, cedar, rosewood, ginger and frankincense. Oils and candles are available at retailers like Bath & Body Works, as well as smaller, niche stores and online vendors. Check out AromaWeb for more information.

Pump up the jams

Over dinner last month, my 50-something friend Iris confided the secret of her recent weight loss and sudden take-no-prisoners approach to life: Quite simply, she got a new attitude. “It’s Patti LaBelle,” she said with a grin. “I get on my treadmill and as soon as ‘New Attitude’ comes on, I’m ready to rock!”

Whether your own musical magic trick is an “anthem song” like Iris’s, or just a tune that takes you to a particularly confident, empowered time and place, music is a powerful tool – so make it work for you when you need it most. Flood your headphones with the iPod mix of songs that always gets your blood pumping (mine always includes “Hazy Shade of Winter” by The Bangles). Or choose a song with lyrics that speak to your mood and blast it while you work, cook, drive, fold laundry, or just sing at the top of your lungs.

Judge if you will, but all it takes is the opening pulse of Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” to remind me of the 4 a.m. lakefront reality check/pep talk delivered by a dear friend last summer. In a moment of flagging confidence and confusion about the future, he helped me cut through my fears and self sabotage as Gaga wailed and waves crashed in the background. A year later, I still play that song when I need a reminder that Mike was right and everything’s “gonna be okay. . . (just dance).”

Regis, I’d like to phone a friend

If you’ve read this far, you may have noticed that I frequently mention my friends when I write–they’re my extended (and surrogate) family and, often, my inspiration. Our friends are able to see the amazing qualities we possess but can’t always acknowledge in ourselves. So it stands to reason that these are the same people who may have a motivating trick or two up their sleeves when we’re feeling drained. Reaching out to a friend via phone, text or e-mail takes only moments, but the belly laugh or the calibration with your truest self that s/he provides may be what you need to feel rejuvenated.

How do you stay energized? Where do you turn for an energy boost when you most need it? Tell us in comments.

Are Wii Having Fun Yet? by Peony

A few weeks back, Tee did a great job of breaking down some of the fat-friendly online dating sites, and you girls chimed in with your experiences. I’d like to continue that conversation with some tips on building an online dating profile that will get you noticed. As with resumes, it can be frustrating trying to sum up everything that’s great about us in a single, flimsy document. Let’s face it, girls: tooting our own horns is hard, and we all struggle at least a little when it’s time to talk about ourselves and pick photos that capture our fully adorable selves – all in the hope of finding true love.

As for writing about yourself, each dating site has different sections with prompts. I’m not here to tell you exactly what to put in those little white boxes, but I can give you some help beyond the classic (and excellent) advice to “be yourself.” To help boost your confidence, enlist the help of a trusted friend who will be honest and share your positive qualities. Avoid complaining about your past heartbreaks with cheaters and other jerks; so many women sound off about this, and it only drowns out their good qualities. It’s kind of a given that most of us have had our hearts stomped on, so focus on sounding hopeful and enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting someone. Start by mentioning things you enjoy doing–not only does this give someone things to talk about with you, but it can offer prospects some great date ideas.

Finally, under no circumstances should you say that you don’t know what to put here or that talking about yourself is hard. Everyone else on the site managed to do it, and you can, too. Just be positive and don’t put too much pressure on yourself–you can always edit and refine your profile later. (Don’t forget to check your profile every few months to make sure it’s still accurate).

Next you’ll need a portrait, and this is one thing I can tell you all about. I’ve worked as a semi-professional photographer and still pursue it as one of my favorite hobbies. I did a year-long self-portraiture project AND I’ve worked with curvaceous brides, so I know a thing or two about looking good in pictures when you don’t have a model’s body. OkCupid released an interesting study they did on how user pics affected interest in their dating profiles. Check it out here. You absolutely must have recent pictures. I have been on a date (twice) where the guy used old pictures and had become significantly less attractive in the meantime. Relying on old photos of a thinner you starts things off disingenuously, and it’s very tough to recover from that and move on into a relationship.

Find a friend to help you take good pictures. Make a day of it — change outfits a few times or go to the park. Wear something you feel pretty in, wear the amount of makeup you would for a normal workday, and have fun with it. Just relax and let yourself get used to your personal paparazzi. The great thing about digital photography is that you can easily take two hundred pictures to get three or four good ones. Natural light is best, but you can stay inside if it’s gross outdoors; look for soft, flattering light from a window. Also, if you photograph yourself at home or at a friend’s place, make sure whatever is showing behind you is tidy! Your sink full of dishes or overflowing dirty laundry basket shouldn’t be someone’s first impression of you.

You’ll look best if the pics are taken from slightly above you to minimize a double chin. Stand up straight and tall, shoulders back, chin up. You’ll get the best pictures if your photographer gets in close (3-4 ft for the average point and shoot camera) to fill the frame with you. Turning 3/4 rather than straight on gives a flattering silhouette that’s pleasing to the eye. You should have a couple of good face shots and something that gives an idea of what your body is like. If you don’t have a friend to take pictures, set the camera on something sturdy, use the self timer, and be patient – remember, you can easily delete any non-keepers as you practice.

A word about photo editing: don’t Photoshop things too much. Covering up a blemish is okay, but heavy editing is best left to the pros. If you have the software and tools, fixing technical things (exposure, contrast, etc.) is a good idea. Flickr offers the Picnik photo editing service, which has basic free features and additional tools available for a low price.

These tips should get your online dating adventure off to a good start. Feel free to ask questions in the comments, and I’ll see if I can’t answer them or point you to a good resource!

Mirror Love, by Peony

Valentine’s Day is a big deal for a lot of people. Some of you out there started panicking on Monday because there were only two short weeks until the big day. And you’re in a new relationship! And what do you do without making it a big Valentiney deal!?

I’m here to tell you one thing: bold acts of romance inspired by the pressure of the day will not be your friend. This goes double if there isn’t a precedent for the great big thing you’ve thought up.

There are a few classic pitfalls we often fall into in the excitement of new relationships, regardless of whether or not it’s Valentine’s Day – a high-pressure holiday just makes them that much more tempting. Don’t freak out! Get smart and enjoy the day with your new lover in a comfortable, low-pressure environment that will let you relax and be your charming, beautiful self.

Pitfall #1 — The Fancy Dinner

You don’t need reservations for a $200-a-plate candlelit feast. Instead, you’re gonna take the day off work, get out your cookbooks, and put all your new love-energy into whipping up a five-course meal that no restaurant could top. Who needs French chefs when you’ve got l’amour, right? No, wrong. Very, very wrong.

This situation begs for dishes to fail, for you to be exhausted and frazzled, and for the evening to be a whole lot of pressure and very little fun. A better idea? Make something you know you can ace with your eyes closed, like grandma’s famous lasagna, and invite him over for a taste of get-to-know-you. Tell him he can bring the wine. The food is satisfying, you’re relaxed, the kitchen isn’t a wreck, and you get to be the cool girlfriend who didn’t make some weird Valentine’s dinner with heart-shaped toast points smeared with foie gras.

Pitfall #2 — The Fascinating Conversationalist

What will you talk about? It’s way too early to sit there together and play the “No, I love YOU more” game. And it’s a really bad night to pick to have one of those where-is-this-going or “next level” conversations. Maybe you’re planning on spending the next week researching the things he likes so that you can be a super interesting person to talk to. Oh, the fun you’ll have throwing around hockey stats or your matching opinions on political referendums!

Don’t. If you’re not actually into it, it’s going to be obvious, and worse, you’ll only know enough for a conversation or two and then what? If his interest in you grows based on what he thinks you share as interests, you’re setting yourself up for failure later (or exhausting, after months of trying to pretend).

You’d be better off spending that research time learning just enough about him to ask him some really interesting questions. We all like to talk about the things we enjoy, and I’ve yet to meet a man who wasn’t interested in teaching me about his passions when he can tell I’m seriously interested. Not only will you get to learn about the way his mind works and what he likes, but you may stumble on something you two really do share and can enjoy together.

Pitfall #3 — The Sex Appeal

I like lingerie, and I love to buy it and wear it just for me. If someone else gets to enjoy it, too? That’s just a bonus. While sexy, lacey things on romantic evenings is always a tempting option, the pressure of big dates or the first time you plan to sleep together can make it hard to resist. But do resist. It’s  unnecessary, and creates false pressure for what the evening should be about, even if sex will be a part of it.

The same goes for exciting new adventures in bikini waxing and studying up on sexual positions that make you glad you made that New Year’s resolution about going back to yoga. If you haven’t slept together, prancing out in a hot pink satin negligee with a copy of Kama Sutra is quite the opening salvo. How will you top that? It’s all downhill from there.

Go with your gut here, but if you’re not sure what to do or are only doing something because it’s Valentine’s Day, forget spending energy on something just to impress your new guy (or girl). Instead, just do something for yourself. A new pair of cotton panties with a punchy print and matching bra, for example, will make you happy and comfy (and relaxed, and sassy, both of which your new lover is likely to notice and appreciate). The better you feel, the more fun everyone will have, and that’s what your day, and night, should ultimately be about.

Best wishes for a happy, stress-free Valentine’s Day, no matter how you spend it!

- Peony