The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Sugar lips, by Peony

In one way or another, 2009 was a rough year for most of us. It certainly goes on record as the year I made a stunningly impressive string of bad decisions regarding men. The worst I’ve ever made, every single time. When three of my best girlfriends independently suggested that maybe I should take a little time out from the dating pool to remember what I’m actually looking for, I knew I was overdue for a hiatus.

In that spirit, I turned the whole month of December into what I called The Great Manbreak Experiment. Two of those three friends decided to join me, and the break from guys has been good for all of us. We’ve seen bad habits and patterns that repeat themselves. And because the list of what you want in a man shifts over time, we were all sorely in need of an update.

My favorite part of this whole experiment? A guy friend served as our guru. He’s broken down the kinds of guys I go for, how they run their games, and what to watch out for. I’m pretty sure he could take this on the road and make a lot of money telling women the things they were too close to see for themselves. One particularly valuable lesson came up in conversation one night, and I want to share it with you, because the friends I’ve mentioned it to have all made the “epiphany face” when they realized they had all dated a guy who did this. Tell me if you have, too:

So you’ve met this guy, and he looks GREAT on the “datability” resume. You’re psyched because you think things should definitely work out, but then he slowly (or in some cases, not-so-slowly) turns out to be really different than you thought he was going to be. Maybe the chemistry is great, but there’s just something that’s not feeling quite right.

It’s the blow jobs. Think about it. It’s not the act itself, but it’s in the timing in which he brings it up. This is a big thing to watch out for. Guys who bring it up early on may be broadcasting that they’re selfish and not really respecting you. Reasonable people are on their best behavior the first couple of times they go out on a date. It’s important to most of us to put our best foot forward so that the person we like will like us back. If broaching the subject of blow jobs right away is his very best, most gentlemanly way to treat you on an early date, things are not going to get better with time. Just a couple of these guys can end up souring our whole dating experience.

We all expect men to feel out the possibility of sex at least a little bit. It’s human nature, and let’s face it, sexual attraction is a big part of dating. But there’s an ocean of difference between a guy feeling things out without the expectation of immediate fulfillment, and one using a respectable facade to fly under your radar and go straight for what he wants. If he’s enough of a gentleman to say he’s happy to hold off on sex until you’re comfortable and the two of you know each other better, he should be enough of one to never suggest, even through masked  questions, that you service him in the interim. The blue balls excuse was already old in high school.

Therefore, in 2010, getting head from me will require a waiting period to make sure that only the genuinely deserving are treated to it. I’m going to do a better job of respecting myself and my body, and I’m going to find men who are not only a great match for me, but who also make my pleasure their priority every bit as much as their own. That’s my dating resolution. And I wish all you sexy, single, beautiful fat girls out there a 2010 graced with handsome men who not only adore you, but who are worth of having every bit of their affection returned. Above and below the belt.

-Peony

FGG welcomes a new, regular contributor – our very own sex columnist, Peony Benoir. She’ll be here each month to feed us a fun, entertaining, thoughtful and ultimately inspiring column on her experiences with sex and dating as a single, fat girl. Enjoy!

When the topic of fat girls comes up, it’s often about fetishists or rude things that men say or psycho-social body politics. I’d like to talk straight from the trenches with honest conversation about the joys and perils of being a sexy, single fat chick. I was mostly single for a long time, then suddenly I found myself madly in love. I ended the relationship about a year later and found myself single again. And dating is different this time — really different.

Before The Ex, I was an alpha bitch, and I worked hard at it. I was determined to not get hurt, and refusing to be vulnerable is a good way to do that. It’s an even better way to never get what you want out of love. The Ex managed to breach my defenses – broke me wide open – and it remains one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. Putting that protective shell back on hasn’t been easy or particularly desirable.

Since I’m lauding The Ex instead of hating him, you might be wondering what he taught me. He’s the first man who, from the beginning, loved me because of my body rather than in spite of it. Big difference. He helped me connect my hidden, mental temptress to my body and taught me to use it skillfully and boldly. I have learned to become a seductress, and it’s a lot of fun.

Once, I could have made you a two-page list of the qualities I have and things I would do for people to try and make up for the fact that I’m fat. If I am perfectly groomed and well-dressed and charming and funny and cook well and don’t make demands, surely this will make up for me not looking like a swimsuit model. I focused primarily on his pleasure, feeling that if he worked to give me any, it would be one more thing I’d have to make up for.

This was all completely ridiculous, of course. I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t feel enthusiastically entitled to getting plenty of head, regardless of how attractive, successful, or blessed by the penis fairy he may (or may not) be. I no longer have any interest in anyone who doesn’t see my body for the soft, creamy, sensual playground that it is. And I have no time for anyone who isn’t enthralled by the prospect of sharing in my nearly insatiable and wildly creative sex drive.

Being equally sexually demanding and voracious is something women still aren’t really permitted to be, regardless of size, but it’s especially true for fat chicks. The prevailing assumption is that we’re supposed to be grateful for any attention we get, and we have no right to be picky and demanding about it.

Screw that.

If you haven’t gotten out of your own way and just let people be into you, try it…pronto. The truth is that men like sensual, smart women of many sizes. They like variety and intrigue. The ones that only like pneumatic fembots aren’t worth a second glance, even if you are magazine cover material. Once I stopped putting out the protective vibes of frigid wrath, men came out of the woodwork. Most of them were men any girl would be thrilled to have interest and attention from. Yet the only difference between the old me and this one is my attitude about myself and my own value. That kind of attitude adjustment is one we all need from time to time–I dare you try it on for size and let me know how it goes.

I’ll be here every month to talk about my experiences and challenges with sex as a single, fat girl. Got questions? Ask me anything.

- Peony

The gorgeous Dyanna on Flickr

Last week we poked around in the married sex lives of FGG’s editors to offer advice on keeping the fire lit down below after you’ve been married for awhile, post-childbearing belly and all. And while lots of advice on married and single sex can certainly be interchangeable, both have unique challenges – we knew a separate feature on sex and the single fat girl was in order.

Unlike married women (who ostensibly already have them), single women have the added challenge of finding men who are attracted to curvier, more ample bodies – or who are at least curious and open to trying something new. You’d be surprised how many of those guys are out there. Unfortunately, they don’t come with signage. Or instructions.

That’s okay, we’ve got you covered. So to speak.

Give your brain a makeover

Whether you’re single by choice or looking high and low for The One, whether you’re free and casual about sex or more reserved, it all starts with you. Sexiness is born in the brain and propagates throughout the body until you’re practically vibrating with it. It doesn’t come from anywhere else – not your perfume, your clothes, your friends or the guy you’re talking to. The sexiest clothes can look awkward on a woman who is ashamed of herself or trying too hard, and a woman who loves her body and respects herself can turn heads in an old t-shirt and jeans.

Even if you have to fake it until you truly believe it (even thin women often do), self-confidence is a turn-on no matter what size you are. If you’re in the habit of negative self-talk, you’re not only unlikely to score a guy worth having, you’re probably not going to enjoy it very much even if you do.

Don’t focus on the fat

Whatever you’re focused on, a guy just getting to know you in the bar or in the bedroom will be focused on the same thing. If you’re constantly adjusting your clothes or lingerie to hide this bulge or that dimple, he’ll be distracted and you’ll seem distant and uncomfortable. Go with choices that accentuate your assets, but that you’re familiar with so you know what they cover when you’re sitting/standing/walking, so you can forget about babysitting your wardrobe and focus on more important things. If you’re worried about him seeing your belly in bed (or just want to tease a little with a peek of your rear-end – guys love this) a t-shirt or baby doll with nothing underneath is a great option, and a sexy balance between modest and daring.

Whatever you do, don’t bring the fat into the conversation. Even guys who like larger women are turned off by those who keep apologizing for their weight or disparaging themselves.

If that doesn’t convince you, remember this: it’s hard to relax when you’re obsessing. It’s hard to orgasm when you’re not relaxed. Enough said.

Let the real you out to play

When you’re uncomfortable with yourself, temptation is high to pretend you’re anyone else but you. Maybe it’s as subtle as a different laugh or tone, or as obvious as listening in horror as things come out of your mouth that you would never say. Even nervous or exaggerated body language can betray who we really are.

Slipping into a modified identity might feel less vulnerable in the short term, but that’s a tough act to keep up. Sex is so much more satisfying when you can let go and know it’s 100% you that’s turning him on. Besides, how will he ever know you share his geeky fascination with backyard weather stations or his love of albino bulldogs if you’re busy channeling Anna Nicole?

Prime your body

Did you know that Kegel exercises not only strengthen and tone your vaginal muscles, but also help to condition your abdominal muscles as well? Talk about a two-fer!

If you’ve been diligent about Kegels, you already know the sexual benefits they bestow. You feel more sensitive, he feels more snug and stimulated, and chances are the intensity of your orgasms will be kicked up a few notches. Any guy will tell you that they can’t get enough of a woman that’s clearly getting a lot out of their sexual experience together.

Also: stretch. Especially if you’ve got a particularly large belly or thighs, you may have to make some modifications to favorite positions. Being limber can mean the difference between fun, playful, satisfying sex and feeling awkward or defeated.

Make use of props

In darkness or very dim light, curb shy feelings by surrounding yourself and your lover with lots of luxurious pillows. It helps a soft, curvy (or let’s face it, often lumpy) body blend in instead of feeling like it sticks out like a sore thumb. Though remember: he still probably doesn’t think so.

If you’re braving the bright light but feel a little too exposed, tangle yourself up in a decadent sheet, leaving the good bits exposed for playing.

Get creative with positions

The positions that will be most satisfying for you and your partner will vary depending on each of your body shapes and preferences, but with a few modifications, large women can make any position hot. Below are the ones we hear the collective, fat-girl rrowr from most often.

Doggie-style: Women say this helps them feel less vulnerable, men say it lets them get in deep. Win/win.

You on top: Make this easier by having him sit in an armless chair, or, better yet, laying on a weight bench. Afraid of your belly bouncing around? Wear a tight t-shirt, or straddle him in a short skirt with nothing underneath. That’s both a tease and a girdle. Another win/win.

If you go missionary: Put a pillow under your butt. It helps him have easy access, and it funnels belly fat away from your pelvic area where all the action is happening, making you feel less self-conscious.

Stand up and bend over something: The bed, the back of the couch, the counter. You can press your belly against the surface and make it disappear, and the rest of you is less prone to the spreading effects of gravity that can happen in bed.

Need more? Check out what some FGG Twitter followers had to say on the subject:

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Don’t be afraid to try something new. Sex is frequently funny and bodies are weird, so it’s not a big deal if the position doesn’t work. It’s about feeling good, which doesn’t always mean that you look your very best. So what? I don’t like the way I look when I’m on top, but it feels AMAZING and guys are fond of the fact that your boobs are in their face, their hands are free, and they get to watch your face. You won’t break him. I swear. Even if he’s shorter than you or half your weight (I’ve done both).

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As counter-productive as it might sound, I have a huge appreciation for the female form and I found that when I point out women I think are sexy while we’re out or even in pictures on chat or email, it’s a huge turn-on for him (and if he’s a new date, he’s caught completely off guard). And that turn-on instantly translates into his pursuit of me, and lots of exciting sex.

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If you have any inclination toward the alternative lifestyles and are shy about checking it out because you don’t look like a porn star, you’re doing yourself a disservice. These are some of the most accepting, positive groups of people you can find. Their ideas and choices fall outside of the mainstream, and their definitions of what makes a person desirable encompass more than how you look in a bikini. Seeing women of all ages and sizes in various stages of undress being happy in their bodies while in public was a very liberating thing.

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If I’m afraid I’ll be too nervous or shy to orgasm during sex, I like to get myself off while he lays next to me. By the time I’m done, he can barely stand to wait a second more and we have some intense, wild episodes (albeit short sometimes), and I don’t have to worry about whether I’ll get there if I’m too focused on my body and what he thinks.

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The biggest enemy is your anxiety. Potential lovers are far less judgmental than we think. I have yet to meet one who wasn’t into confident, clever, sensual women who are enthusiastic and responsive when it’s naked time.

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What did we miss? Share your thoughts about shameless sex for the single fat girl in comments!

Above: FGG editor Tee and her husband still enjoy a playful sex life after eight years together, and two kids from a previous marriage

This year my husband and I celebrated twelve years of marriage. Together, we’ve weathered financial and medical disasters, taken epic road trips to wild places  and celebrated milestone birthdays, including the arrival of our three sons. I’ve also had to cope with the changes to my body over those 12 years, like the natural changes that come with turning 40 (almost two years ago), developing a new set of stretch marks with each pregnancy, and probably the tackiest baby gift a girl can receive: the belly apron. To make matters worse, my husband, who had also gained weight over the years, recently lost most of it after several weeks of regular exercise and a few tweaks in his diet. I, however, have not. I’d be lying if I said that the collective effects of all of these things hasn’t tainted how I feel about romping around the bedroom.

Yet all relationships need nurturing in order to thrive, and when you’re in a committed relationship for the long haul, that includes nurturing your sex life. But for those of us with body image barriers, showing up for that kind of nurturing means first nurturing our bruised psyches. Because it’s not our bodies that are truly the problem – it’s how much we let them get in the way.

We’ll cover sex for the single fat girl in an upcoming post, but this week Tee and I have pulled together a list of what’s worked for us over the years in turning that around, both from our own experience and through our many conversations with my friends facing the same challenges in their own marriages and long-term relationships.

Toni: TALK

Sounds like a big, fat “duh,” right? But talking about sex doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Our upbringing and our varied (be they sordid, dull, embarrassing…) pre-committed-relationship love lives can make complicated conversation starters. My husband is my best friend and he makes me laugh every single day, and yet I still feel embarrassed sometimes bringing up the subject with him because . . . he’s my best friend. Who makes me laugh every single day. What if he cracks a joke when I’m trying to be serious about being sexy? What if something I say reminds him that I’m just fat and undesirable?

Forget about it. Connecting with your husband or lover (who, it’s important to remember, has chosen you out of near limitless possibilities) in conversation about and even during sex is a good way to turn the focus back to all the things that were magnetic to both of you about each other. Besides, we all know where the sensual center of the body really lies: the brain.

Tee: TRUST HIS INSTINCT

When Tee and her husband first met and started dating, she was constantly preoccupied with how she thought he — a fit, active, quintessential outdoor guy — would respond physically to her body, which was larger and lumpier than his “type” had been in the past. That hesitation and embarrassment nearly cost them their relationship, but she slowly realized that he was a grown man capable of making that decision for himself…and if he was attracted enough to take the plunge she had to get over herself. Once she let go, she says their sex life took off, and it’s been hot-and-steady ever since.

Toni: DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL YUMMY

Humans are social creatures, with an innate need to belong and feel like a part of our own tribes. Despite what Hollywood, gossip blogs and many women’s magazines want us to believe, our physical appearance shouldn’t be our most important attribute. But let’s be realistic: it does matter to us, and it’s okay to want to feel desired and desirable, no matter our age or size, and no matter how long we’ve been with our partners.

So go ahead and splurge on sexy, feminine, silky lingerie, flattering (even daring) clothes and yummy, scented lotions and bath oils. Find a few things that make you feel absolutely fantastic, and integrate them into your sex life. And if you haven’t tried this in a while, consider the benefits of sex by candlelight; we all look glamorous in it, and I’m able to forget about those stretch marks for a while, which boosts my own libido, which he then picks up on…starting a frisky feedback loop.

Tee: BE TACTILE

Touching is underrated, and Tee picks this out as the number one turn-on she and her husband share. It’s hard to feel undesirable and unsexy when your husband or lover can’t stop touching you. Invite it, let him know you love being touched even in non-sexual ways. A run-of-the-hands down your body when you’re at the sink doing dishes. A thigh squeeze in the car on the way to an event. Be sure to do it in return, because guys love to feel desired, too. Even just making a point to brush against each other when you’re passing in the hall can yield a little electricity.

If you’re like many of us with body image issues, though, there may be parts of you you’d prefer his hands don’t wander – like your belly, or the part of your back where chubby rolls of fat that gather under your bra strap. That’s okay. Rather than be fearful or ashamed, catch his hand and guide it to the places you do want to be touched. He’ll get the idea.

Toni: GIVE AND TAKE. YES, TAKE.

Never has the phrase “law of attraction” been more poignant when applied to our sex lives. All cheekiness (ahem!) aside, there is something very freeing about being generous and giving to our partners without expecting anything in return. I’m not talking about being subservient, but being generous. And then let yourself be open to that generosity in return.

A good friend recently confessed that the bedroom is the one place where she allows herself to be totally selfish, since the rest of her life involves nurturing and giving, giving, giving. It’s okay to receive and it’s okay to be selfish so long as it’s balanced for you and your partner. My husband knows I’m a sucker for a massage, and often just letting him caress my shoulders, back, arms and legs relaxes me enough to forget about all of the stress and preoccupations that keep me from giving myself up to the mood. And don’t be shy: make sure he knows what drives you crazy. Because honestly, with a lover trained at giving us mind-blowing orgasms, who would be thinking about whether we’ll ever fit into a size six again?

Tee: GET A LITTLE FREAKY

Different trumps just about everything. Particularly for guys, the unique and unexpected are instant turn-ons that make the bearer of those irresistible. To distract yourself from your imperfections and inject some fresh, sexy playfulness into your sex life, Tee suggests reading erotic stories together, or better yet – writing each other into one and sharing it at an unexpected moment (though she adds to clear your schedule first and be prepared, as it’s not likely to end there). Sexy movies and photos work for many couples, but if these exacerbate your negative self-perceptions, ditch those in favor of your own costumes, photo sessions (even if it’s you taking sexy photos of him), role playing and other games. Making sex light and playful eases the gravity we assign to it, and, by extension, our place in it when we don’t feel great about ourselves.

Toni: KNOW THYSELF

It took me a few years to figure this out, but I’ve found that my desire tends to peak in the afternoon, when my husband is usually at work and it’s lowest by the time we both collapse after wrangling the kids to bed. And I tend to really want it when I’m ovulating and less so when my menstrual cycle begins. And if the kids are awake? Forget it! I just can’t get in the mood if I think my five-year-old might burst into our room at any moment. My husband, on the other hand, has none of these exceptions (go figure).

Take the time to know your cycles, your moods and preferences, and then share this with your husband or lover. He might be turned on to know that you’re at home feeling sexy when he’s at work, or that a middle-of-the-night tryst when the kids are sleeping could be a great time to get some. Bonus: it’s extra dark at 2am! And you’ll likely make up for the wake up with the deep sleep of a post-coital crash.

No matter what you try, remember this: the more sexy we feel on the inside, the more desirable and magnetic we are naturally. And the more our lovers and husbands express that desire, the more sexy we’ll feel. Pretty soon, the habit is formed and our sex lives are changed.

So… why are you still here? GO!