The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Self-appreciation comes when we reframe our “imperfections”

One of my favorite movie moments comes from the film Shirley Valentine, the story of an under-appreciated mom who ditches her husband and teenagers to pursue her decades-long dream of traveling to Greece. She meets a handsome local who seduces her on his sailboat, kissing her body and admiring her stretch marks as beautiful badges of honor. I let out a cheer when I heard him utter those words, until the lead character, Shirley Valentine (played marvelously by Pauline Collins) looks at the camera and deadpans, “Aren’t men full of shit?”

Great line, right? I laughed. But as much as I adore the Shirley Valentine character, I have to side with the boyfriend here. Sure, stretch marks aren’t glamorous, and I’d rather not wave mine around at the pool, but I’d guess that for many of us they’re the norm, whether through childbearing or weight gain (or both).

A few years ago, I was out walking with my family after dinner when I noticed a young woman walking with a toddler. She had the same soft midsection that’s so common for those of us for whom hitting the gym wasn’t a big priority after giving birth. For the first time in my life, I found that soft belly look adorable. Endearing. It said something, and meant something: I grew a person with my body, and it changed me.

What delightfully imperfect part of your body do you love most, and why? Tell us in comments!

Confidence is your best asset in front of the lens (Photo by JenniferBanks21)

This week, we asked our FGG fans on Facebook how they felt about having their picture taken, and the responses weren’t too surprising:

“I’m WAY happier BEHIND the lens because I’m always shocked that the girl looking back at me from a photo is really what I look like.”

“Some fat girl always takes my place in pictures, like magic. So weird.”

“I want to stop avoiding being in pictures.”

Whether staring down the barrel of a wedding photographer’s lens or a camera-happy friend snapping yet another round of Facebook pics, most full-figured women have felt that moment of panic right before the flash fires: “Can I squish behind my friend a little more?” “Do my arms look too flappy?” “I wonder if Photoshop has a ‘make me look like Kate Winslet’ setting?”

Tragically, the “Make Me Look Like Kate!” Photoshop action remains but a fantasy. Still, armed with practical questions from several of my best fat girl friends, I took the subject of looking good in photos to a professional. In addition to covering daily assignments as a photographer for the Grand Rapids Press, Emily Zoladz also freelances throughout west Michigan — including a booming wedding business. Emily gamely tackled topics ranging from trout pout to how to light up a candid photo, and even shared her own “can I hide it?” area. (Yes, fit girls have them too!) If you’ve ever wished you could dodge the camera rather than face an unflattering photo, read on and prepare to smile with confidence next time the camera swings in your direction. Knowing how to look our best in photos is an essential life skill for women (and men) of any size, because we deserve to feel fabulous when we look back on ourselves enjoying our favorite occasions.

FGG: What colors other than black are slimming in photos?

EZ: Anything dark, or any combination of dark with light on top (e.g. a dark skirt with a light-colored top). Also, go with what matches your eyes. For blue eyes, navy is a great color. If you have hazel eyes, wear olive or hunter green, and so on. 

FGG: Do you light or pose plus-size girls differently?

EZ: I don’t light full-figured girls differently. However, side filtered light (e.g. coming from a window or a soft box) is going to be more flattering than direct, unfiltered light on anyone. As for the pose, I think you should pose however you are comfortable. If I want you to sit on a window seat but you feel self-conscious about your legs, then go ahead — put a pillow on your lap and hug it. A confident, glowing smile is going to be what draws any eye to your portrait, regardless of the pose.

[FGG note: For a pose that elongates your body in a standing photo, try angling your body and feet toward the camera about 45 degrees but not fully sideways. Extend your outer leg slightly farther than your inner leg, and twist only your upper body toward the camera.]

FGG: Is there a universally flattering or “best” angle that makes a fuller face look thinner or minimizes double chins?

EZ: I would say side profiles tend to be more slimming than a full front-on pose. If I am photographing the side of the face, I can see the subject’s cheek bones more prominently. Practice for this pose by glancing over your shoulder and twisting your torso SLIGHTLY, as if someone has called your name and you are casually looking to see who it was. Also, keep your shoulders back and stacked high, rather than slouching. It may feel like you are sticking your tummy out, but broader shoulders actually create the illusion of a smaller waist. I would also avoid low angles (if your photographer is crouched down below you, pointing the lens upwards), because this will create double chins.

FGG: Does a “best” side really exist for each person? How do we know what it is?

EZ: I think people really do have a “best” side. It all depends on face structure. Noses are a big factor, cheek bones, as well. If you want to figure out yours, study old pictures of yourself and see if you can find any pattern among the “good” ones. Also, practice tilting your face this way and that in the mirror. Do you prefer the way you look like with your head cocked to the side, or facing straight-on?

FGG: Is it possible to pull off a successful come-hither look without looking like a trout?

EZ: [Laughs] I think the best way to pull this off is just to look serious. Don’t think about being sexy, think about being slightly mad. Don’t glare at the camera, just pout a little like something is annoying you. Some people are better at this than others. . . my friend Sasha pulls it off brilliantly.

FGG: What about avoiding half-closed eyes and having them “pop” without looking crazy or bug-eyed?

EZ: This is really up to the photographer. Some people are just blinkers, so you need to take several photographs in case you catch them in a blinking moment. To give your eyes a little “pop” without looking bug-eyed, try raising your eyebrows [a bit] and trying to think more intensely. Exert energy into that smile (or that frown, pout, etc.).

FGG: Let’s talk group photos: Where’s the best place for a big girl to stand if she wants to blend in?

EZ: In group photos, larger figures tend to blend better if they are mixed into the group, not on the end. If you are concerned about sticking out, don’t stand dead center, but don’t also stand on the end.

FGG: Any suggestions for girls who feels self-conscious of particular features, like wide hips, a belly or large upper arms?

EZ: When that camera is raised and you brace yourself into a pose, think about the features you DO like, not the ones you don’t. Everyone has something they are self-conscious about (for me it’s my upper arms). Pose how you are comfortable; if that means having to sit down, or twist yourself sideways a little, do it. A confident smile is key.

FGG: How much retouching or Photoshopping is included with professional pictures?

EZ: Retouching really varies depending on the professional and the purpose. I do retouching in weddings, but only for the bride and groom. I have nipped brides’ chins and necks up a little, firmed arms and pinched waists. Having said that, I won’t do anything that drastically changes the way the bride looks. I am always a little torn doing this, because I want you to look like you. At the same time, if it’s only [a slight adjustment] and it’s the difference between “Oh, I would love this photo but I HATE the way my arms look!” then the editing might be worth it.

FGG: You take a lot of candid shots — what advice would you give to any girl about embracing being photographed this way, which sometimes feels “scary” because she can’t control how she looks?

EZ: People are the most beautiful (in my opinion) when they are just being themselves. Don’t worry about a silly expression or if a shot will be made with your mouth half open. In reality, the photographer is thinking about how the light is hitting you, what angle best creates a clean composition — and then waiting for a particular moment to happen so that we can capture the essence of you. We aren’t going to go with that photo where you look awkward. We just sometimes have to take photos like that until you loosen up enough to show us who you really are.

FGG: Final advice for our readers? Anything goes!

EZ: I know I said it already, but BE CONFIDENT. Your personality is what shows through on film, not some silly jaw clench that you think makes your cheekbones pop.

One of my best friends swears by the “extend your neck out, then tilt your chin down” trick to shave off a double chin. What’s your secret weapon for looking fabulous in photos?

A “date” dress by molmanik

Dear FGG: I have five weddings (3 indoor, 2 outdoor) and a christening to attend before Labor Day. Got any suggestions about finding fun & tasteful special-occasion dresses in plus sizes? Thanks!

Girl, are you ever in good company! Spring and summer are boon times for weddings, graduations, reunions and other dress-up occasions. This question hit home for me as I mailed my third 2010 wedding RSVP this morning — another still looms on the horizon — without having a clue what I’m wearing to the first schmancy occasion this Saturday.

For some of us, locating a dress we feel comfortable and confident in can be such a chore that we may default to either wearing the same outfit to every function or hastily grabbing the first option that fits. Fortunately, dress shopping for fat girls is no longer about settling, and there are scores of plus-sized possibilities out there for us to recommend, from fun and flirty to black-tie appropriate.

Beyond the LBD

Sure, every girl needs a fabulous little black dress in her closet, but graduations, daytime or outdoor weddings, and other gatherings with a less formal feel are prime opportunities to showcase your figure and personality in dresses that go beyond solid, dark colors. We found several affordable and cute dresses that fit the bill at Old Navy, of all places. Their surprisingly robust (yet online-only) plus-sized collection extends through size 4X (28/30) and includes both bold colors and sleeved, feminine looks.

Other more casual finds: Lane Bryant offers several dresses this season that play on the black-and-white, geometric trend. We also located a handful of flattering, sleeved options for arm-conscious girls. And my friend Katie fell so in love with the flirty styling and lilac color of this LucieLu creation, all she needs now is a wedding to crash.

Dress to impress

When the occasion calls for a more formal style, you can still look for pieces in cuts that flatter your curves. Online retailer Kiyonna (sizes up to 5x or 30/32) is on the pricey side, but the dresses are curve-hugging and often to-die-for. (Although seeing them modeled by the gorgeous Ashley Graham probably doesn’t hurt, either.) If you can sift through the rhinestones and Scarlett O’Hara-wear, alight.com has some classy options in a wide range of price points. We also adore several looks from SWAKDesigns. Available in sizes extending to 6X (32/34), these dresses have a knack for being sexy, yet gala-appropriate. And who wouldn’t feel like a bombshell arriving at her high school reunion in drop-dead red?

Whether you go casual or cocktail, remember to choose a dress that stays put and moves with you if you plan to hit a dance floor. Now share with us, readers: What is your favorite dress-up outfit? And where do you turn to find special-occasion style?

It’s been swirling around the blogosphere since last week, but in case you haven’t heard, reports emerged stating that two television networks, Fox and ABC, refused to air Lane Bryant’s new ad for Cacique lingerie. However, both networks run similarly racy Victoria’s Secret ads during prime time viewing hours, leading to speculation over whether the model’s size 16 bod was the reason behind the rejection. While the PR battle between Lane Bryant and the networks continues, let’s focus on a different issue: how awesome this ad is. Click below to view.

Sure, the model featured in the ad, Ashley Graham, is a size 16 – really on the cusp of plus size nowadays. But considering what usually passes for the female standard on television, this might be the beginning of a shift in both media perceptions and portrayals. Setting aside whether ads of this nature objectify women, and whether this is right or wrong, showing women with curves and some meat on their bones moving about with confidence, sass, and energy promotes just the sort of self image we value here at FGG.

Since the controversy first broke, both networks have agreed to air the ad during later portions of popular prime time programming. And Lane Bryant’s initial loss is now our gain, as the company is offering customers who visit www.lanebryant.com/sexy 40% off Cacique lingerie. And we’re excited that people are talking about what defines sexy, and whether it’s related to size at all. We’d be happy with a looser association.

Readers, tell us: What do you think of these ads, especially compared to Victoria’s Secret commercials? Are either or both too much of a good thing, or do they each strike the perfect note?

Spring color pop courtesy of molmanik

Black, chocolate and charcoal may be flattering and slimming wardrobe staples, but after a few months of winter, a girl’s wardrobe could use a little something-something. Brighter. Cheerier. Bolder. So when those first sunny days arrive, I start jonesing for color – which makes this week’s adorable and inspiring Photo of the Week an obvious choice.

Last week, we challenged you to spring clean your closets. I did, and it was alarming how many ill-fitting, “safe bet” garments I’d been holding on to for months or years. The up side: now there’s room to shop for some vibrant, fun pieces that highlight my curves! What about you? Did you ditch any of your “Someday Syndrome” clothes and make room for new styles and shades?

Girls, spring means it’s time to shop for COLOR. And whether you’re craving pastels, jewel tones, neon or all of the above, share your latest fab finds in the comments – the brighter, the better.

Love Thyself by JamieBates

I love visiting our FGG Girls Flickr Group. There’s so much color, honesty, life, and courage among the images displayed there, and endless great ideas for self portraiture. We have several girls (myself included) who are doing a year of self portraits, a great way to get to know your physical self over the course of a year. Why not give it a shot yourself?

I tend to post images for “Photo of the Week” that I keep returning to for one reason or another, and this was one of those photos. Not only is it bold and beautiful, but it makes a statement about self-love. Most of us arrive loving ourselves just fine, and somehow as the years pass, the outside world sends us different or conflicting messages until one day, some of us end up forgetting how awesome we really are. Also, women are often socialized to be compassionate caregivers, which sometimes pushes self-love to the very bottom of our daily “to do” lists. Obviously, not all of us struggle with self-love; I know a handful of women who light up any room they enter. They’re all different shapes, sizes, and ages, but their common trait? Self-love.

More, please.

What about you, readers? Do you struggle to love yourself, physically and emotionally, or are you pretty happy with the way you are?

From a sketchbook Toni’s mom saved from her artistic days.
(Russell Iredell, Drawing the Figure, 1941)

Rod Stewart once confessed: “I seem to have a particular liking for blondes. The most memorable is always the current one. The rest seem to merge into a sea of blondes.” And while Rod may be a bit of a prick, at least he’s honest enough to confess that he has a “type.”

Lots of guys do. I don’t.

Not that I’ve had a long list of partners. Six, to be exact. But I’ve been fortunate enough to have loved, and been loved by, some extraordinary women. Each is fiercely independent, intelligent, and passionate about life. If you asked me to name the one thing that most attracted me to them, it would be this last item: their passion for life, biting into each new experience as though it were a ripe peach. But physically, they’re all very different – tall, short, A cup, double D – and they wear a wide range of dress sizes.

So when it comes to the physical, women often want to know: what do men like? I have no idea. I don’t speak for other men; I only know what I like. It can be anything from the generous curve of her lips, a quickness in her glance, the way she puts her hair up in hot weather, that little soft place behind her ears, the sway of her hips in a summer dress, or her voice whispering my name in the dark. The best magic comes in these small moments.

I will tell you where I got my appreciation for the female form, at the risk of providing way too much information. No, it wasn’t from porn. Oddly, my dad had at various times in his life fancied himself a painter. Though he made a few expensive trips to the art supply store and issued the urgent request that my mom set up his new easel before lunch one Sunday, he never once set brush to paper. But he did buy books. Books of paintings and books of photography. Among them, The Artist’s Model, probably issued in the early 1960s. And late at night, when the apartment was quiet, teenage Charlie would sneak a few looks at the beautiful nude models featured in its pages. See? Probably too much information.

So, the first women I saw naked (and the only women I’d see naked until age 19) all had generous curves, and were photographed in black and white with the most advanced lighting techniques of the day. And fortunately, back then there was neither silicone nor a size zero.

I’m not sure there’s much more I can say. Although one of my wife’s favorite stories about me comes from when we were dating, when she asked, “How did you know you’d be attracted to me because the other women you’ve dated are so much thinner?” I thought about that for a moment before answering. Being the classy guy I am, I said, “Well, I felt you up pretty good in the car.” Yes, that was my answer. And rather than taking it as an insult, it remains, to her, quite endearing.

Go figure.