The Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Not feeling like “the fat friend” all comes down to attitude

A funny thing happened when I began brainstorming for this week’s Guide. I asked several of my fat-girl friends (FGF) what stressful situations they’ve encountered while out with thinner friends. The outpouring of ideas was great! They hit me with suggestion after suggestion, while I raced to get everything down. After telling them how awesome their lists were, I turned to the flip side of the question and asked how they’ve dealt with these challenges.

And. . . *crickets*

Okay, ladies, you’ve made yourselves clear. We have lots of insecurities and challenges when it comes to socializing with our skinny friends, and not a lot of ideas for how to deal. Hopefully, some of this week’s tips will help turn that around.

Scenario #1: Dining out

This topic definitely struck a nerve with my FGF posse. It seems when dining with skinny friends, we can feel embarrassed about squeezing between tables to take a seat. We worry about ordering without our friends commenting on (or just thinking to themselves) whether we are/aren’t/should be trying to lose weight. And when our dining partner wants to sit in a too-small booth, some of us squeeze into a space where we’re uncomfortable while others feel shame or embarrassment upon insisting on a table.

It’s worth noting that many of us wouldn’t think twice about these situations if we were out to dinner with overweight friends. Think about it: When you meet up with a fat-girl friend for dinner, do you feel embarrassed about requesting a seating arrangement that makes you comfortable? I don’t. I feel completely comfortable speaking up for my needs and just requesting a table (or a chair without arms) when the host seats us. I also notice that I think about what I order and how I eat it in a completely different way when I’m with thinner vs. overweight friends. I’m more self-conscious with skinny friends; I eat slower, more deliberately, lest they think to themselves, “Well no wonder she’s fat. . .”

So maybe the answer is to approach meals with friends — big and small — the same way. From a place of confidence, strength and openness. Offer to make the reservations at a restaurant that has food choices you feel good about. Simply tell your friend you’re more comfortable at a table. Or ask if she minds scooting into the chair that has to be reached by slithering next to another pair of diners. And if someone comments on your food in any way that makes you uncomfortable (even if they’re trying to be supportive), it’s okay to be polite but firm. “I’d rather catch up than talk about food,” or “I’m just ordering what feels right today” should be enough to end the questioning clearly and directly.

And in instances where none of the above suggestions sound like winners, try my best friend’s idea: “Skip the meal entirely and plan a non-food-related activity, instead.”

Scenario #2: Movies, concerts and sporting events

Ah, stadium seating. Always a wild card when it comes to bigger bodies finding a comfortable (or even tolerable) fit. While most newer theaters have made their chairs roomier and included armrests that can be raised, the default for most arenas and stadiums is still fixed armrests on narrow seats (Anyone who has ever attended a Cubs game or an event at Detroit’s Joe Louis Arena can vouch for their examples as confined spaces). Another good example is floor seating at some concerts, which consists of those little, armless, plastic folding chairs. As one of my friends said, “What do you do when you feel awkward about bleeding into your smaller friend’s seat?”

First of all, some of these situations offer ways to be proactive. Be the one to select where you sit in a movie theater, and pick a seat on an aisle where you can raise the armrest or lean toward the aisle if you feel squished. Or swallow your pride and simply ask your friend if s/he minds that you raise the armrest between you. I can almost guarantee that this is a bigger deal in our heads than it is for those we hang out with, so don’t be shy about asking for what you need to be comfortable.

Similar suggestions apply when choosing seating for a sporting event or concert; aisle seats always allow a little extra breathing room, although they might also include a fixed armrest even if others within the aisle raise. If you luck out and end up with an extra seat next to you, ask your friend if s/he’d mind you sitting next to the empty.

Beyond these little (and sometimes obvious) fixes, there aren’t any magic solutions here. If your body’s bigger than the tiny seats, you’re likely to spill a bit into one direction or another. This is a classic case of mind over matter. Rather than being embarrassed about whether you’re in your friend’s space, remind yourself that you’re both out enjoying your favorite band/team/actor and your friend wants to be there with you. Really, what’s a little hip rubbing between friends? So much better to have the body contact there than with the creepy guy next to you with his chest painted in the team’s colors.

I’d like to throw out a key “don’t” here, too: avoid the temptation to make self-deprecating or outright negative remarks when in these situations. It’s fine to keep it light, but there’s no need to tear yourself down in order to make yourself heard. People come in many shapes and sizes – that’s just part of life – and we each have a right to be comfortable and treated with dignity and respect wherever we go, and trusted and true friends will get behind that 100%.

Scenario #3: Girls’ Night Out

Whether it’s a bachelorette party or just a night out with the girls after a long work week, the GNO can be a double-edged sword for fat girls unless it’s approached in just the right way. On the plus side: Hello? Great times with your good friends! On the down side: Potential body image doubts raising their heads when faced with cute clubbing clothes or while perching on tiny-seated bar stools.

The best defense here is to put your most fabulous foot forward. Choose an outfit that makes you feel confident, sexy or drop-dead gorgeous. Play up your favorite asset with a top that flatters your cleavage, make up some seriously sultry eyes, or bust out your hottest pair of heels. This isn’t about comparing yourself to other friends — or party-goers — of different sizes; it’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, I’m hot!”

Once you look the part, it’s easier to feel the confidence — fake it ’til you make it, right? There are other small things you can do to make the night more comfortable. Offer to cruise direct the activities and choose a restaurant or bar that has seating and a layout that doesn’t put you on edge. Ask if you can reserve a table or a large booth for your group, then make sure to claim a comfortable seat upon arrival. And if the activities involved aren’t necessarily your thing (dancing, karaoke, etc.), you can either be the supportive one who cheers the others on while holding down the fort, or you can do the FGG thing and make a conscious choice to step outside the comfort zone and try something new for just one night. Get up and dance to your favorite song (no one is watching you, anyway — they’re all too busy with their own groove!) or hop on the mic with your BFF for a duet (trust us, no one expects karaoke to sound amazing).

The key is to keep yourself in the moment. Remind yourself that this is your chance to let loose and enjoy work-free, kids-free, responsibility-free bonding time with your friends. How often does that come around? And why in the world would you want to pass that up or talk yourself out of enjoying it?

Scenario #4: The shopping trip

For some fat girls I know (myself included), shopping can be a very emotional experience. Under the best circumstances, it can be tough to keep a positive attitude as you come face-to-face (-to-face, if there are three-way mirrors involved) with your body and the areas you feel less-than-confident about. But when a thin friend suggests shopping together, a whole new set of challenges come to light. Will it be embarrassing to tell her you can’t wear anything from her favorite store? Will trying on outfits together make you focus on your body in a negative way?

First and foremost, let’s get real for a moment: Your friend knows you’re overweight, so going to a traditional-sizes store with her won’t suddenly “out” you as a fat girl. She may not have a clue about what size jeans you wear or how you envy her ability to pull off pencil skirts, but she knows you’re not supermodel-skinny. . . because she sees you. In addition to knowing that you’re hilarious/sarcastic/a terrible driver/whip-smart/loyal/great at playing the drums on Rock Band, she also knows you’re overweight. And you know what? She doesn’t care. I truly believe that coming to terms with this fact is the key to maintaining open, healthy and supportive relationships with our skinny friends. And I say that from a “do as I say, not as I do” place — because God knows I’m still working on it myself.

So when your friend wants you to help blow her paycheck at Nordstrom, take the invitation at face value — she wants to spend time with you and she trusts you to help pick clothes that make her look her best. You can approach the situation from standpoint of fabulous personal shopper (keeping the focus on her purchases, and maybe just trying on some knock-out accessories for yourself), or you can suggest hitting a few stores that sell the clothes you love, as well. I’ll admit right now that it’s been years since I’ve dragged a “skinny” friend into Lane Bryant, but I’m wondering as I write this what’s taken me so long. Some of the most supportive and “Ang positive” people in my life are those who wear a size 6 or 10. They’re among the first to remind me of my best attributes (both physical and otherwise) when I’m feeling down, and they’re huge champions of me leading a confident, happy life.

Isn’t that really the bottom line? Our friends are our friends for a reason. They love us. They want the best for us. And they don’t care if we wear a size 2 or a 22, as long as we’re happy and healthy and we’ve got their back just as strong as they have ours. One of my dearest friends from high school — someone I’ve known for almost 20 years — recently thanked me for sharing my honest feelings about her wedding in a recent FGG post about being a bridesmaid. She said that article and this site have opened her eyes to some of the experiences by (and views about) overweight women that she never knew existed. I’m wondering why it took me 20 years to open up to this wonderful woman in my life, and I challenge each of you to take the smallest, single baby step this week to do something similar in your own lives.

How have you made peace with hanging out with friends of all sizes? Tell us about your logistical tips — or Jedi mind tricks — in comments.

The cautionary tale of Wounded soldier by twodolla

As my college friends gathered this weekend to help celebrate my birthday (thanks again, guys!), we excitedly planned our get-togethers for the next several months: Birthdays. Weddings and babies. Pool parties. Camping. All of this outdoor fun brought to mind an age-old fat girl challenge:

Where can I find a portable chair that won’t fold like a bad poker hand when I sit down?

Many of us know the only thing worse than mentally assessing the hip room of every portable camping chair at an outdoor gathering is perching daintily upon a cheapie version and praying that the recommended weight allowance is accurate to the ounce. Actually, there is one thing worse: that horrible moment when dainty doesn’t cut it and said chair unceremoniously dumps its occupant onto her bottom. Ladies, I have heard the sickening CRACK! of a breaking chair, and my goal today is to help ensure none of our readers ever has to do the same. So if you’re an outdoorsy girl seeking comfort, stability, and subtle design (read: NOT the chair equivalent of a muumuu), try taking a load off in one of these tush-friendly finds.

If possible, test Goldilocks-style until you locate “just right.”

Obviously, the best option is to check out your prospective chair using your body’s own specific dimensions. Fold & unfold the chair, try sitting in various positions (fully reclined, leaning forward, legs crossed or propped up, etc.), and stand up using the armrests as leverage. Pay attention to whether the armrests’ support bars or their grommets pinch or dig into your thighs; when they’re iffy after a five-minute test run, imagine how uncomfortable you’ll feel during an evening in front of a bonfire. Overall, look for a chair that feels stable no matter how you sit. And don’t forget to pack it back into its carrying case and try hefting it before you purchase — folding camp chairs shouldn’t be a “team lift” item.

Coleman makes several models that should accommodate plus-sized users without drawing attention to them, such as the Coleman Elite Cooler Quad Chair ($34.99, Target), which lists a weight limit of 325 pounds and features a cooler built into the armrest (brilliant!). You could also try settling into the Coleman Lumbar Chair ($21.88, Wal-Mart), which offers extra lumbar support and a weight limit of 350 pounds, or REI’s Comfort Recliner Chair ($59.50), with a 325-pound capacity and a seat back angle that invites you to prop your feet up and get comfy. The highest weight rating we found during a search of major retailers was the Coleman Max Sling Chair ($26.88, Wal-Mart), which accommodates 400 pounds. Unfortunately, the downside to in-person shopping is that selection may be limited; individual store locations may not carry these heavy-duty models, or may have just a small quantity or selection in stock.

If you can’t try it yourself, read specs & reviews carefully.

If you’re willing to gamble a bit with ordering online, the seating possibilities are almost endless — just be sure to research carefully and read any available customer reviews. Remember that it’s not just the weight capacity of a chair you need to assess, but its seat width and how the armrest support bars are positioned, as well. And to reduce the likelihood of chair legs sinking into soft ground, opt for models with wider “feet” at the end of each chair leg.

Online sellers offering robust chairs range from well-known retailer Dick’s Sporting Goods to LivingXL (which offers plus-sized products in many categories) to niche sites like Koolest Products, notable for a wealth of “extreme” merchandise. We liked the unassuming nature of the powder blue, heavy-duty Quik Chair from Dick’s, which subtly and inexpensively ($24.99!) seats users weighing 500 pounds. LivingXL offers a similar model with a few color choices and a higher price tag ($49.99), as well as the largest portable chair on the market — a 1,000-pound capacity model with 30-inch-wide quilted seat ($99.95, or $139.95 for the canopied version).

For truly indulgent R&R, go for the bells and whistles.

With a capacity of 400 pounds, LivingXL’s Suntracker® Swivel Chair ($169.95) rotates a full 360 degrees and includes a built-in sun visor. And the aptly named MaXXDaddy Monster Folding Chair ($149.99, Koolest Products) boasts two cup holders, a magazine pouch, a detachable/adjustable footrest and a pillowed headrest that cushions your noggin, hammock-style. All this, and it accommodates 800 pounds in an extra-wide, 25-inch seat, to boot. A friend purchased this chair (in purple) a few years back, and lo, it was good! At one point, I believe he considered ditching his couch and replacing it with a fleet of these puppies. The only downside was the rather prominent MaXXDaddy logo. . .  and the stampede that ensued whenever my friend vacated his seat for a beer run. With comfort that legendary, though, you may not want to leave your new chair, either.

Tried one of the chairs we mentioned? Want to share your experiences with a different model? Tell us in comments.

I plan my family’s weekly menus before grocery shopping for a variety of reasons: efficiency, health, budgeting, and, well, I’m kind of a nerd and I enjoy it. Knowing what I’m buying before I shop also keeps impulse buys at bay, but last week, I made an exception.

When I spotted the words “Mediterranean Bruschetta” and “Party Crackers” in the same phrase on a box, into the shopping cart it went. Even my five-year-old is hooked on them, and kids can be a tough sell. Every day when he came home from morning kindergarten, we enjoyed an indoor picnic lunch featuring a variety of cheeses (light cream cheese for me, co-jack for him), fresh fruits, and colorful red and orange bell pepper slices. These crackers are very crunchy and flavorful, but they’re a little on the delicate side, so if you buy them for a party, go easy with dense or heavy appetizer spreads.

Tasty as they are, these are also a bit on the spendy side. But one thing I’m discovering as I’m learning to trust my body and my appetite is that a little decadence can go a long way. I also believe that you get what you pay for: I’d rather buy fresh salmon, asparagus, and couscous (one of my family’s favorite meals) than eat at McDonald’s, for instance (though some nights, I’d rather pay for convenience and I accept the costs associated with that, too). So as an occasional treat, these are well worth the expense. I might go for the Roasted Garlic & Thyme or Stoneground 7 Grain this  week, but for me it’s hard to resist the siren call of bruschetta. To the folks at Kashi: we’d love to see some more flavor varieties for these crackers. How about something with rosemary or cracked black pepper?

Have you spotted anything tasty while shopping for holiday celebrations this season? Share your fave finds in the comments.

Pear-shaped shadow by somegal

Is there a clothing store or brand that tends toward a pear-shaped silhouette? I’m 2 sizes smaller on top than on the bottom, so if it fits in the hips, I’m swimming in the top (I’m looking at you, Lane Bryant). I know what cuts minimize this effect, and I have a great tailor, but I’d like to be able to go somewhere and buy something off the rack without having to allot time for making it fit.”

Great question. A shop that specializes in, or at least has a great selection of, fashion for pear-shaped figures stumped us, so we took it to our peeps on Twitter, the Dooce community, and around the web. Here’s what we found:

Old Navy: they’ve got a growing plus-size collection, and a lot of their stuff has a nice lower drape to hide fuller hips, buns and stomachs.

Igigi: Lots of love out there for their pear-shape-friendly lines, their colors and their awesome super sales.

1-Plus: Sizes 14 and up here for Addition Elle, MXM and Pennington’s. Addition Elle, specifically, offers an essential-fit pant guide for four body shapes, including pear shapes.

Nordstrom: In Nordstrom’s plus-size shop, you can search by both size and body shape. Selecting pear-shape styles turns up more than 200 results.

Ralph Lauren: Controversial now for the photoshop flap, Ralph Lauren still has a surprising number of plus-size fans. Facts is facts, they say – RL offers some of the most form-fitting plus-size apparel in the industry, with realistic proportions for a variety of body shapes.

J. Jill: Fans say J. Jill carries cuts that are flattering for both pear and apple shapes, and that their plus-sizes fall on the generous side.

Torrid, Avenue, Macy’s : Some say they’ve been able to find the perfect, pear-shaped apparel at these shops, but that it’s generally hit-or-miss.

Make Your Own Jeans: We ran across this shop and had to include it, even though it’s not an off-the-rack solution. While neither of us has experience with it (if you do, let us know!), and their custom jeans are pricey, the idea of perfect-fitting jeans gives us goose bumps.

Thanks to everyone who helped us out! Now it’s your turn. For all our similarly-shaped readers, what’s your favorite shop for a wide, consistent variety of stylish, pear-shaped apparel?

The Swing Kitty dress in size 3x, from hissyfitoly

Wow! I knew I’d have fun researching and writing this post, but I didn’t know I’d have this much fun. I spent a couple of hours today browsing plus-size dresses, jeans, wraps, t-shirts and more on Etsy, and the extent of what I found is mind boggling. These ladies (and gentlemen) get it that we want to look young and fun and sexy, too. You’ll find no moo-moos here.

We’ll do these periodically as we uncover talented new designers and must-have pieces for our wardrobes, but right now I offer up twelve fabulous, fat-girl friendly Etsy shops that have it undeniably goin’ on.

vigilantelabs
A former Liz Claiborne designer, Lianna (and her partner, A.J.) know how to work the classy-whimsical angle. She carries everything from shirts to skirts to scarves and headbands. My favorite? The Satin Orchid Tank for $28.

dismantledfashions
If you’re a closet (or out and proud) retro babe, you’ll have a blast rooting through these costume-esque fashions that still work great as bold work or party wear. I loved the gothy-classy Cherries Miss Sassy Dress for $55.

byrodesigns
Girls, I know a lot of you are more bold than I – and if that’s you, you’ll get goose bumps over the idea of sporting these sexy, revealing but marvelously flattering bikinis (oh yes) from size 1x to 6x. Were *I* brave enough, I’d be all over the Red Polka Dot Bikini for $65.

janebonbon
Janebonbon, you had me Espresso Brown Silk Applique. This stuff is gorgeous, and if I were to outfit the Fat Girl’s Guide to Living mantra with an outfit, it would be one of these dresses. My fav is the Braless Maxi Dress for $89.

ellembee
These shirts are so much fun I dare you not to throw three or four or seven into your shopping cart right now. I’ve got my eye on the tough-girl Floral Tank in Celadon for $29.

yystudio
Sophisticatedly sassy and unique, these original designs are the work of a seasoned pro who gets the flexibility of the female form. I’m diggin’ the Chiffon Floral Ruffle Maxi for $86.

platipuses
Plus-size “badassery” indeed. Shirts, sweaters, clutches, dresses…for the less flamboyant but no less fashionable of us. Check out the YUM Cherry Halter for $25.

hissyfitoly
Cute, cute, cute! This is cool, plus couture at its back-to-basics finest. I love the Swing Kitty Dress (pictured above), and the Lace-Topped Dress (with matching fanny pack!) for $75.

matydavis
These. Are. Groovy. I couldn’t believe they came in plus sizes, but they do! How about a trip back to the acid rock 80s in a pair of these bad boys: the Shredded Corset Painted Jeans for $99.

brendaabdullah
If you’re looking for flowy, elegant but everyday wear fashioned from recycled clothing with storied pasts, you’ve hit the jackpot here. I don’t care how hot it is, I LOVE the Autumn Garden Sweater Tunic for $165.

urbanprairiegirl
Embrace your inner peasant with skirts and floaty pants from this colorful, whimsical designer. The lovely Patchwork Hippie Boheme Skirt for $75 caught my eye right away.

phippsart
Fun, graphic tees for when you’re looking to tone down the statement to casual and comfy. Pick your poison here with more than 200 items for sale. I’m kinda sweet on the Ocean Blue Tattoo Octopus Tee for $19.

What’s your favorite Etsy shop? Share it with us in comments!